Moms and Maids

I Miss my mom

So... I feel like a totally ungrateful b!tch of a daughter!

My biological mother passed away 10 years ago and when she passed I had an ok relatioship with my stepmom. I remember back then saying that I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to be happy or that would feel like something was missing when I got married (yes, at 15 I thought of those things) and my step mom told me something may be missing but she was going to be there.

Now I'm getting married in 8 months, and my stepmom is the most wonderful woman ever. After my mom passed I was rotten- like really a nasty kid for a couple years and she loved me anyway more than I thought a woman could love a child or young adult that she didn't give birth to. 

She has been wonderful, and supportive and caring. She hugged me when I cried over my mother, and held my hand after my first break up, did my hair and make up for prom. She always treats me like I'm hers and she never thought other wise... but as my wedding draws nearer I can't help but miss my mom. I am so afraid that I am going to cry on my wedding day and when she asks why I won't want to tell her its because I miss my mom so much. I don't want her to think that she hasn't been wonderful, or that I don't love her. I am her daughter, she is my mom...but I still miss my biological mother.


Re: I Miss my mom

  • KD+AR said:
    So... I feel like a totally ungrateful b!tch of a daughter!

    My biological mother passed away 10 years ago and when she passed I had an ok relatioship with my stepmom. I remember back then saying that I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to be happy or that would feel like something was missing when I got married (yes, at 15 I thought of those things) and my step mom told me something may be missing but she was going to be there.

    Now I'm getting married in 8 months, and my stepmom is the most wonderful woman ever. After my mom passed I was rotten- like really a nasty kid for a couple years and she loved me anyway more than I thought a woman could love a child or young adult that she didn't give birth to. 

    She has been wonderful, and supportive and caring. She hugged me when I cried over my mother, and held my hand after my first break up, did my hair and make up for prom. She always treats me like I'm hers and she never thought other wise... but as my wedding draws nearer I can't help but miss my mom. I am so afraid that I am going to cry on my wedding day and when she asks why I won't want to tell her its because I miss my mom so much. I don't want her to think that she hasn't been wonderful, or that I don't love her. I am her daughter, she is my mom...but I still miss my biological mother.


    At no point does any of this make you a totally ungrateful bitch of a daughter to your (step) mother. At all. Ever. Nada. Nope. Never.

    You miss your mom. On your wedding day, you're probably really going to miss her. If I expect that, and I don't even know you, you bet your bippy that your (step) mom will be expecting it, too.

    If she asks you, be honest with her. "I miss my mom"
    No shit you miss your mom. My mom isn't dead, she only lives several states away and I miss her all the time. My bf's mom is super awesome. My dad is incredibly awesome. But they're not stupid, they know I miss my mom.

    No one can replace your mom. They can try to fill a void, but the person you specifically miss isn't there.


    It's like a pet, right? You can have an awesome dog, your best friend... cutest puppy EVARRR! And then he dies. A few years later, you get a new dog. He's a great dog. He's faithful, he loves you, doesn't even pee on the carpet. But you still miss your first dog, right?

    And now that I've used dogs to compare your moms, I'm done now offending anyone who was offended by that comparison. I was only just trying to get my point across using other examples.

    Anyway, your stepmom is not going to be offended that you miss your (bio) mom on your wedding day or any day for that matter. I'm not psychic, I'm just seeing things from an outside perspective.

    My suggestion? On your wedding day, take a moment to think about your mom. Just some time, alone, away from distractions, to concentrate on what your mom looked like, and smelled like and how hard the rest of the day is going to be without her. And then, throw yourself into your wedding. Turn your thoughts onto your soon-to-be husband and your guests and how pretty your flowers smell or how good the food looks or what ever. THAT'S what your mom would want you to do. Again, not because I'm psychic, but because I'm seeing things objectively.

    I'm very, very sorry that your bio mom won't be there, my heart goes out to you a hundred times over. She'd probably be proud of you for giving your other mom a chance at being a mom when she just couldn't be there herself.
    So much great advice here.

    And I whole heartedly second the comment that missing your mom in no way makes you a horrible person or a bad daughter to your stepmom or any other negative thing you might be imagining. Given how wonderful and supportive you say your stepmom has been to you since your mother's passing, I'm sure she will be just as wonderful and supportive on your wedding day if you mention that you are sad that your mom is not there to share that day with you.
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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    @SimplyFated is wise. You are not a horrible person. You miss someone you love deeply.
  • You are definitely not being a brat and it makes total sense that you would miss your mom on your wedding day! No matter who else is there.

    @Simply Fated gave great advice about taking a moment to yourself to think about your mom on your wedding day before the excitement gets started. Do you have any of your mom's jewelry, a photo, or something else you could carry to have her with you in some small way? If that is not comforting to you, obviously don't do it - just a thought.

    It sounds like your step-mom has been amazing and a wonderful support for you since you were younger. Maybe you could write her a card before the wedding or take her to lunch one day or something, just to say you appreciate all she has done for you and her unique role in your life. That way you know you've said thank you, and you won't feel bad for simply being human and missing your biological mother.
  • tarajames344tarajames344 member
    First Comment
    edited September 2013
    <3<3 It's ok to miss her on your wedding. <3<3 She will be there. You're not ungrateful. 
  • Yesturday I went and tried on dresses;

    I got my dress and I was sad. My mom wasn't there, and my two half sisters that were my mom and step dad's couldn't be there.
    It made me sad more than anything else. I am just looking ahead and my Mother wont be there. My older brother who truely understands the same struggles because he shared both the same mother and father and is sitting in jail (because he is dumb and doesn't learn from his mistakes) my fathers parents who take of me most when I was younger won't be there and I was running on 3 hours of sleeps so I was just emotionally and physically drained and I couldn't keep it together.

    I just cried from being sad and overwhelmed.
  • I know exactly how you feel. I am in a very similar situation. My my mother passed away 11 years ago when I was just 13 years old and my father remarried a few years later. Similar to what you mentioned I was really horrible and nasty to her and to everyone for a few years when I was around 15-17 years old. I was just miserable and wanted my mother back and just took it out on my poor step mother who never tried to replace her and just tried to be like a big sister to me. She loved me even though I treated her badly and now that I have grown up and dealt with my mother's death my step mother and I are very close. I go to her for advice, when I'm happy when I'm sad, etc. My father has also had some health problems the past few years and she has been so wonderful in helping me and my sister deal with that as well. I am so happy to have her in my life and for her to be a part of my special day but I know when that day comes I will miss my mom terribly. I miss her now that she's not here to share the planning and excitement with me. You are in no way being a bad step daughter for feeling this way. I am sure she is already aware how much you will miss your Mom on that day and if you cry then you cry! Just let yourself feel however you feel there's nothing wrong with that. If she is as great as you make her sound she will completely understand. I feel for you as I am in the same position. Just know that our mom's will be looking down on us smiling and they will be there with us in spirit. I don't know if you have thought of any ideas but I saw a great thing on Pinterest where you take a photo of your Mom and put it in a little keychain photo holder and clip it to your bouquet that way in some way she will be present. I am planning on doing that. Also I am going to have a short moment of silence for ALL our loved ones who are there with us in spirit on that day. Maybe doing something like that would give you some comfort and help you feel like she is there. Try and keep your chin up I know it's hard and this is the one time in our lives where it is hard to not have our Mom's here. I am also planning on giving my step mom a little gift on my wedding day to say Thanks for always being there and helping me grow into the woman I am. I personally feel that carrying my Mother's picture with me and giving my step mom the little gift will make me the happiest because then they will both be there with me and know how much I love them both.

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