Moms and Maids

Should I uninvite my mother?

edited September 2013 in Moms and Maids
So I'm getting married in November. My parents are going through the most heinous divorce in history. They have been at it for nearly 3 years now and this is round 2. To make a very long and complicated story short, my father transferred a company that owns our family business office property to my sister and I way back in 2007 before they were contemplating divorce. He says this was for family investment planning purposes so it would be safe from any potential problems and could not be taken away in the event of a lawsuit or similar problem. She now says that it was all to take it away from her for his eventual plan of their divorce. So now I own this property my mother wants but it was mortgaged and is underwater and I couldn't give it to her if I wanted to. (Legal contractual stuff with the bank) So now 2 months before my wedding my mother and her attorneys have amended the divorce petition to include me as a defendant alleging fraud and conspiracy with my father to deprive her of marital property and all sorts of stuff. My mother is suing me in her divorce!!! To top it all off I have graduated law school, have been studying for the Tx Bar exam and had to report being sued for fraud in my application to take the bar! So here is the question: should I uninvited my mother to my wedding? Of all the things a girl is supposed to do in her life with her mother there are 2 big events- your birth and your wedding! How could I possibly have her there and how can I not? My dad,of all people, says I should forgive and have her there and not let anger at her poison me but, I am simply terrified that the negativity and crazy of this divorce and of her will override MY big day. It is supposed to be a celebration of the love my fiancé and I have not an, awkward at best, insane and horrendous at worst, family reunion where their issues overwhelm the first steps we take in our life together. So what should I do? And if I don't invite her do I invite her side of the family? Mutual family friends? I'm at a loss and completely devastated. Please help!

Re: Should I uninvite my mother?

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Oh wow. First off, I would invite her family - you can't punish your grandparents (her parents), your aunts and uncles (her siblings), your cousins (her nieces and nephews), etc. for her behavior. I'd invite her to the wedding, but keep her at arm's length all day, if that makes sense. Maybe have people ready to run interference between the two of you, to keep her from upsetting you.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Wow.  I really don't know what to say.  It is disgusting when parents drag their children into their divorce and honestly what she is doing is disgusting.  She is in the end punishing you for something that your Father did, whether or not it was because he was planning on divorcing her in the future or not.

    I would invite her to your wedding but like PP said, I would keep her at a distance especially since their is a legal matter involved.

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's a really shitty thing your mom is doing.  Even if your dad was thinking of transferring the property to you because he though the divorce would be coming, how can that be your problem? If you ever think that you will have or want to have a relationship with your mom in the future, send her an invitation.  Don't give her any honors at the wedding, have her seated with the rest of the guests.  She won't be escorted in prior to the processional, don't get her a corsage, and don't have her announced at the reception, if you were planning to do that. 
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's possible that (a) she had to include you in the petition as you are listed as the owner, or (b) this is her way to force your father to accept her offer. I'm sorry you are in the middle of the divorce settlement. I suggest that your father is not fully 100% off the hook here, as he "started it" with the transfer of property. He very well could have been covering his bases back in 2007, as divorces don't just happen overnight, and this has been going on publicly for three years.
    MairePoppy
  • if you want to have a future relationship with your mother, invite her and try to keep her at arm's length.  if you forsee your relationship becoming a disaster in the future, and would rather cut it off now, don't invite her.  personally, i'd want to explain to her how her little lawsuit was impacting my future professional career to gauge her reaction.  if she doesn't care that she's putting her daughter's future in jeopardy, she's not worth having a relationship with (i assume that if you lose this suit, your license would be in question - i'm a CPA and we have similar licensing rules).

     

    Also, what is she hoping to gain in the divorce from property that is underwater?  Wouldn't that just be a negative asset?  I would think she wouldn't want that included in your dad's income, since it would reduce it and therefore entitle her to less alimony, right?  Maybe not.  it's been a long time since i took a Law class. :-)

     

    do invite her family as long as they can act like adults around your father and his family.  you don't want your wedding to become WWIII.  if that's looking like a possibility, i'd consider eloping.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    It's possible that (a) she had to include you in the petition as you are listed as the owner, or (b) this is her way to force your father to accept her offer. I'm sorry you are in the middle of the divorce settlement. I suggest that your father is not fully 100% off the hook here, as he "started it" with the transfer of property. He very well could have been covering his bases back in 2007, as divorces don't just happen overnight, and this has been going on publicly for three years.
    Yep, this could be true. 

    My best friend's husband transferred their assets to his business account, took 2nd mortgages on their home and vacation property, convinced her to turn over personal property (cars) to his business to 'protect them,' since he was going to file for bankruptcy. He also took her jewelry to be stored in his secretaries safe. Then he told her he needed time to himself and was getting his own place for a while - that accounted for large sums of missing cash for rent money. Turns out, he was living with his secretary. My friend's daughter thought her mother was an old shrew who drove her dad away, because mom never complained or said a bad word to the kids about their dad. She was trying to rise above and protect her kids from the pain that she felt.

    Your father's actions weren't exactly above board, if he was hiding his assets. As NYC said, she probably had no choice but to put your name on the law suit, if she hopes to recover some of her property. There could be much more to this story than you want to know.

    ETA - I wish I could say this is the only person I know that this has happened to. But I have several other acquaintance that were robbed by their husbands, long before the guys filed for divorce. A few lost everything, including their homes. 

    You should keep your personal relationship with your mom separate from the legal mess. Treat her as you would have, before the divorce proceedings. Was she a good mother before this?

                       
    maryemoo
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    That really sucks that your mother is suing you in her divorce from your father and it's screwing you over with the state.

    But it also sucks that your father used you to "protect" assets from your mother.

    In any case, don't make your wedding about their divorce.  I'd invite your mother and treat her respectfully if not warmly.
  • The property had a loan on it the proceeds of which went to the community estate to keep it afloat. The rational explanations for why there is nothing in it for her but worse monetary consequences have been explained to her and are either not believed or not understood. There was a forensic accountant who said nothing indicates hiding assets or missing money. This is all spite to burn the world down. Apparently it is more worth it to be able to choose to lose everything than the consequences of losing everything and ruining our relationship in the process. In her words "your father has been trying to use you against me so now it's my turn".
    What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
  • Oy vey. And I thought my parents' divorce two years ago was ridiculous. This makes them look like the epitome of sanity.

    I can only give you advice based on what I myself would do. Since I'm not the type to sit by quietly and let my family go BSC, I would contact my mom in writing and lay out very specifically how her using me as a weapon against my father is detrimental to my career and my life. I would also say that I am disappointed that she has chosen to get back at him through me as opposed to taking my well-being into consideration. Depending on the response received, I would let her know that I have no desire for such a toxic relationship in my life, and then I would keep her out of it. Sadly, I had to do something very similar with my father, who turned quite toxic during and after the divorce. It wasn't pleasant and it caused me a lot of inner turmoil while I was coming to this conclusion, but I have been a much happier person ever since.
    image
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Argh. What reprehensible words from her. Definitely keep her at a distance, no corsage, nothing like that, but I would still invite her so she can't claim that your dad is using you against her by keeping her away from her little girl's wedding, or something to that effect.
  • The property had a loan on it the proceeds of which went to the community estate to keep it afloat. The rational explanations for why there is nothing in it for her but worse monetary consequences have been explained to her and are either not believed or not understood. There was a forensic accountant who said nothing indicates hiding assets or missing money. This is all spite to burn the world down. Apparently it is more worth it to be able to choose to lose everything than the consequences of losing everything and ruining our relationship in the process. In her words "your father has been trying to use you against me so now it's my turn". What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
    "Mom, since you are so determined to get back at Dad that you are willing to jeopardize my future and our relationship, you are not welcome at my wedding or in my life until you apologize."

    If she knows the reality of the situation and is choosing to ignore it out of spite, I wouldn't involve that kind of drama in my wedding day.  As far as I'm concerned, if someone is hellbent on destroying their relationship with me, it should be destroyed.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    WonderRedmaryemoojendemeyer
  • If anyone was suing me I would never have them at my wedding. Period.
    So much this. It's not even a question for me. I realize it's awkward because it's your mom, but really? She's suing you!! F that.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    One of the worst things a mother (or father) can do is use her kids to get back at her ex-spouse. If her lawyer has explained to her that their was no wrong doing on your father's part, and she won't accept it, she probably should talk to a therapist. You could tell her you won't have anything to do with her until she gets counseling. That leaves the door open for her. 

    You should invite her side of the family to your wedding, if that's what you would have done under normal circumstances. They may choose not to attend, but it will be on them, not you. 

                       
  • If anyone was suing me I would never have them at my wedding. Period.
    Wow. Absolutely agree with this. Even MORE because its your mother.

    Sorry you have to go through this. Try not to let it ruin your happiness!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The property had a loan on it the proceeds of which went to the community estate to keep it afloat. The rational explanations for why there is nothing in it for her but worse monetary consequences have been explained to her and are either not believed or not understood. There was a forensic accountant who said nothing indicates hiding assets or missing money. This is all spite to burn the world down. Apparently it is more worth it to be able to choose to lose everything than the consequences of losing everything and ruining our relationship in the process. In her words "your father has been trying to use you against me so now it's my turn". What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
    "No, Mom.  It was nobody's turn to use me as a weapon-or use me at all.  My attorney will be communicating this to your attorney that you are to knock it off."
    maryemoo
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would get a lawyer re: mom, and elope re: wedding.
  • @chicasmash - So sorry you're going through this - especially during the bar exam and C&F process.  Is your sister a defendant too?  Has she been able to offer you any good advice for your situation?

    I second @Dreamergirl8812 - if someone was suing me, they would not be welcome at my wedding.  I also wouldn't want someone who sued me in my life, so I would be fine with the possibility of the wedding uninvite severing our relationship.  I would still invite mutual friends and maternal family members, especially if I was still close to them. 

  •  
    The property had a loan on it the proceeds of which went to the community estate to keep it afloat. The rational explanations for why there is nothing in it for her but worse monetary consequences have been explained to her and are either not believed or not understood. There was a forensic accountant who said nothing indicates hiding assets or missing money. This is all spite to burn the world down. Apparently it is more worth it to be able to choose to lose everything than the consequences of losing everything and ruining our relationship in the process. In her words "your father has been trying to use you against me so now it's my turn". What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
    "Mom, since you are so determined to get back at Dad that you are willing to jeopardize my future and our relationship, you are not welcome at my wedding or in my life until you apologize."

    If she knows the reality of the situation and is choosing to ignore it out of spite, I wouldn't involve that kind of drama in my wedding day.  As far as I'm concerned, if someone is hellbent on destroying their relationship with me, it should be destroyed.
    This exactly!! I am so sorry that you are going through any of this!!
  • Ugh.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I have no idea what to do with your mother...invite her and assume she won't show up if your dad does?  

    I'm here more to offer law student support.  Stay strong, and best, best, BEST wishes with the board of bar examiners.  Fingers crossed for you.  
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    It's possible your father did it in purpose but there is no proof.  Even if he did, he gave the property to you and your sister, not some mistress, buddy, random stranger, etc.  Hypothetically in the event your parents had died I'd assume you were going to end up with it anyways.  Your mom should let this go.

    Your mother, on the other hand, should know what the consequences are of her actions are.  If there's any doubt, I would sit her down, one last time and lay out to her the impact of this suit could potentially have on your life and your career.  If she really doesn't care that your future could be a potential casualty in her vendetta to get back at your father then she's not worth having in your life anyways, IMO.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
    image
  • maryemoomaryemoo Fort Wayne, Indiana member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It sounds like your mom has already made her choice and prioritized herself and what she gets out of the divorce over you/your happiness/your career/her relationship with you. If it were my mother she absolutely would not be invited, because she is essentially saying " I don't give a f--- about you, I'm going to ruin your life (wedding, career) to get what I want.
  • maryemoomaryemoo Fort Wayne, Indiana member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    And a BIG DITTO that you need a lawyer.
  • Sorry to hear your story, must be frustrating! 

    A rational answer would be yes, you should invite her and keep her at arm length; but if it were me, and I have a choice, I won't invite her...
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