Dinner after small wedding

Melinda232

This wedding will be a second wedding for both of us. It will just be us and our children (7 kids between the 2 of us). We are flying the kids in and paying for hotels and food for all of us.  We are getting married at a small outside ceremony 3 hours from our home. I have  had a few friends say they wanted to come to the wedding.  We were not planning on a reception, so my question is this....... How do I state on the invitations that they are welcome to join us for the ceremony and dinner, but we are not paying for everyone's dinner (without sounding tacky or rude)?
Thanks

annathy03

You don't. When your friends mention wanting to come, tell them you're keeping it small and intimate with only your children, and suggest another time you can get together to spend time with them. If you invite them to the ceremony they need to be invited to the reception (dinner).


ETA: receptions are to thank your guests for coming, it's always rude to ask guests to pay for their own thank you.

gailpete

Once you invite them to see you get married you have to pick up the tab for their dinners (this is your reception).  You need to either decide to pay for their dinner & drinks, or not invite them to the wedding.

JoanE2012

Melinda232 said:

This wedding will be a second wedding for both of us. It will just be us and our children (7 kids between the 2 of us). We are flying the kids in and paying for hotels and food for all of us.  We are getting married at a small outside ceremony 3 hours from our home. I have  had a few friends say they wanted to come to the wedding.  We were not planning on a reception, so my question is this....... How do I state on the invitations that they are welcome to join us for the ceremony and dinner, but we are not paying for everyone's dinner (without sounding tacky or rude)?
Thanks

You don't.  It's incredibly rude to invite someone to your wedding and then thank them for attending by letting them pay for their own meal.

If you can't pay for their meal, don't invite them.  Just tell them you're having a small wedding with just immediate family.

southernbelle0915

The reason you're having trouble wording it in a non-rude way is because it's rude. Reception = receiving guests = thanking guests for witnessing you're ceremony. If you invite people to witness you're ceremony, you host them afterwards.

Melinda232

Everyone seems to have missed the part where I said friends said they wanted to come.  I was not plannig on inviting anyone, but they have said they want to come.  I don't feel that I was being rude.  I have been told I am being rude for not inviting people and now everyone is telling me
I am rude if I do invite them......

annathy03

Not inviting them isn't rude, no one is entitled to be invited to your wedding. You don't owe anyone an invitation.

However, if you invite them you have to host them at whatever reception you have to thank them for coming. It sounds like you don't really want to invite anyone but your children, in which case I'd recommend you don't.

misssunshine17

Don't invite people you can't host. Period. 

annathy03

Also, who is telling you it's rude not to invite them? I assume it's someone in real life who thinks they should be invited, but rest assured having the wedding you were planning with only your FI and children is A-OK.

doeydo

No, just no.  You either have a very tiny wedding or you invite your friends and you pay for their dinner.  It is incredibly rude of you to think that you can invite people and then expect them to pay their own way through your reception (dinner). 

WonderRed

Melinda232 said:

Everyone seems to have missed the part where I said friends said they wanted to come.  I was not plannig on inviting anyone, but they have said they want to come.  I don't feel that I was being rude.  I have been told I am being rude for not inviting people and now everyone is telling me
I am rude if I do invite them......

No, we are telling you you are rude if you do invite them but don't pay for their food. If you can't or don't want to host them, don't invite them.  Plain and simple.  You are not rude for keeping your guest list to your children. 

rvg22

If you want them at your wedding, then invite them and then pay for their dinner.

If you don't want them there, don't invite them. If they bring it up again, say "it is a very small wedding, immediate family only. We will celebrate together soon!"

They will understand, if they are reasonable people. It is actually easier, in my opinion, to have a family-only wedding. We are having family and a few close friends, and so OTHER friends and acquaintances have made comments that express how they wish they were invited and I feel a little badly about it. Your situation has a more natural guest list cutoff, if that makes sense...?

Melinda232

Wow, Ok several friends here have said they wanted to be invited and would be offended if they weren't.  In many discussions with them, I have said, We are just having a ceremony with the children and then dinner at a restaurant.  Our friends have said they would still like to be there and come have dinner.  I have told them we are not having a reception and they have said they would like to support us in Our Day and they understand.  They were not expecting us to pay. I thought I would be nice and make it an official invite and make invitations, but I guess not........... Thanks anyway

misshart00

If people are that offended that they're not invited, they need to grow up. No one is entitled to be invited to your wedding.

rvg22

Melinda232 said:

Wow, Ok several friends here have said they wanted to be invited and would be offended if they weren't.  In many discussions with them, I have said, We are just having a ceremony with the children and then dinner at a restaurant.  Our friends have said they would still like to be there and come have dinner.  I have told them we are not having a reception and they have said they would like to support us in Our Day and they understand.  They were not expecting us to pay. I thought I would be nice and make it an official invite and make invitations, but I guess not........... Thanks anyway

This is very rude of them! Don't change your plans for these people. Stand strong!

I could envision a few of my friends saying something like this in a joking way; any chance that they were not entirely serious?

Melinda232

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us.  Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family. 

JoanE2012

Melinda232 said:

Wow, Ok several friends here have said they wanted to be invited and would be offended if they weren't.  In many discussions with them, I have said, We are just having a ceremony with the children and then dinner at a restaurant.  Our friends have said they would still like to be there and come have dinner.  I have told them we are not having a reception and they have said they would like to support us in Our Day and they understand.  They were not expecting us to pay. I thought I would be nice and make it an official invite and make invitations, but I guess not........... Thanks anyway

Your friends are being very rude if they are guilting you into an invite by saying they would be offended......especially if you have told them it is immediate family only.  I would never dare invite myself to anything, even if it were my best friend!  

It is a private ceremony with immediate family.  If you open it up to those friends, you'll have other friends or family that are certainly going to get offended that they weren't invited!  Most people get it when it's immediate family.  When you extend the circles but don't include everyone in those circles, that's when you get hurt feelings.

Blue_Bird

southernbelle0915, would you please give us a bean dipping lesson?

loves2shop4shoes

My MIL recently got married.  Second marriage for her.  She was a widow.

She and her H only invited their children.  Their own siblings were not invited.

If you REALLY want it to be just children, then thank people for their well wishes, but stand firm.  No one has a right to attend your wedding, and frankly, them trying to shove themselves down your throat is just bad manners on their part.

Don't invite them.  Do what you and your FI originally wanted and just have it be you and the kids.

If you allow them to bully you into inviting them, they are also bullying you into paying for them...because there is NO way it's ok (from an etiquette standpoint) to invite them and then not pay their meals.

psychbabe314

You could treat it like you would any other thing that could come across as rude (ex: adults only, where you are registered, etc).

Invited them to the ceremony through a nice invitation, if you would like. If they ask about dinner afterwards you can say something along the lines of "My family will be having dinner at ________, if you would like to pop-in and congratulate us."

So, basically don't put it in the invite, but spread by word of mouth where you will be having dinner so people can pop-in if they would like. You are not inviting them to dinner, just letting them know where you plan to be.

Viczaesar

psychbabe314 said:

You could treat it like you would any other thing that could come across as rude (ex: adults only, where you are registered, etc).

Invited them to the ceremony through a nice invitation, if you would like. If they ask about dinner afterwards you can say something along the lines of "My family will be having dinner at ________, if you would like to pop-in and congratulate us."

So, basically don't put it in the invite, but spread by word of mouth where you will be having dinner so people can pop-in if they would like. You are not inviting them to dinner, just letting them know where you plan to be.

What?  Absolutely not.  You cannot invite people to just the ceremony. 

psychbabe314

Viczaesar said:

psychbabe314 said:

You could treat it like you would any other thing that could come across as rude (ex: adults only, where you are registered, etc).

Invited them to the ceremony through a nice invitation, if you would like. If they ask about dinner afterwards you can say something along the lines of "My family will be having dinner at ________, if you would like to pop-in and congratulate us."

So, basically don't put it in the invite, but spread by word of mouth where you will be having dinner so people can pop-in if they would like. You are not inviting them to dinner, just letting them know where you plan to be.

What?  Absolutely not.  You cannot invite people to just the ceremony. 

But... it technically is just a ceremony. Does it really equal bad etiquette if there is no reception? People have ceremonies and then cake and punch receptions, so why would just a ceremony be bad etiquette? People go to city hall and get married all of the time with family or friends to observe and leave it at that w/o dinner or a celebration to announce it to everyone until months later.

WinstonsGirl

psychbabe314 said:

Viczaesar said:

psychbabe314 said:

You could treat it like you would any other thing that could come across as rude (ex: adults only, where you are registered, etc).

Invited them to the ceremony through a nice invitation, if you would like. If they ask about dinner afterwards you can say something along the lines of "My family will be having dinner at ________, if you would like to pop-in and congratulate us."

So, basically don't put it in the invite, but spread by word of mouth where you will be having dinner so people can pop-in if they would like. You are not inviting them to dinner, just letting them know where you plan to be.

What?  Absolutely not.  You cannot invite people to just the ceremony. 

But... it technically is just a ceremony. Does it really equal bad etiquette if there is no reception? People have ceremonies and then cake and punch receptions, so why would just a ceremony be bad etiquette? People go to city hall and get married all of the time with family or friends to observe and leave it at that w/o dinner or a celebration to announce it to everyone until months later.

In a cake and punch reception, the couple is hosting cake and punch for their guests during their reception, therefore they are thanking their guests for attending the ceremony.  Those who go to JOP with family and friends and don't host something to thank them after (dinner, as the example you mentioned) are rude.  Just cos someone does it doesn't make it right or polite.  

Viczaesar

psychbabe314 said:

Viczaesar said:

psychbabe314 said:

You could treat it like you would any other thing that could come across as rude (ex: adults only, where you are registered, etc).

Invited them to the ceremony through a nice invitation, if you would like. If they ask about dinner afterwards you can say something along the lines of "My family will be having dinner at ________, if you would like to pop-in and congratulate us."

So, basically don't put it in the invite, but spread by word of mouth where you will be having dinner so people can pop-in if they would like. You are not inviting them to dinner, just letting them know where you plan to be.

What?  Absolutely not.  You cannot invite people to just the ceremony. 

But... it technically is just a ceremony. Does it really equal bad etiquette if there is no reception? People have ceremonies and then cake and punch receptions, so why would just a ceremony be bad etiquette? People go to city hall and get married all of the time with family or friends to observe and leave it at that w/o dinner or a celebration to announce it to everyone until months later.

Yes, it does.  Do you comprehend the difference between a cake and punch reception and no reception at all?

People who go to city hall with guests and leave without hosting dinner or a celebration are rude.

AroundTheBlock

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us.  Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family. 

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

Dreamergirl8812

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did
not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they
would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there
to support us.  Many of them know we have been through a lot and have
stayed together and fought for this family. 

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.




OP, meet bad advice.

southernbelle0915

Blue_Bird said:

southernbelle0915, would you please give us a bean dipping lesson?

With pleasure. To bean dip:

Friends: "We want to be at your wedding! We'd be offended if we weren't invited..jk lol!! But really..."
You: "you're so funny. We're having. Very tiny affair with just the kids. Have you tried this bean dip? Wow, it's delish!"
Friends: "but we want to support you!! We won't take no for an answer."
You: "do you think they used pesto in this? Phenomenal!"
Friends: "invite us, invite us, INVITE US!!"
You: "I'm going to find out who's recipe this is. Please excuse me."

KDM323

Tell your friends that you appreciate their love and support and that you will take lots of pictures to show them.

Invite them to your home (or whatever) at another time and show them the pictures.

OliveOilsMom

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us.  Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family. 

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

To the bolded, just no!  That is terrible!  Invite them to the wedding and then follow us to the place where we will be eating.  You can get your own table and we will toast you from our own table while you are sitting across the room far away from us?  WTF? 

OP - either invite them and host their dinner or don't invite them and tell them you are happy for their support, but you wish for the day to be private with just your children in attendance.

mommapizano

Melinda232 my question to you is what do you want? Do you want the friends there or do you want to keep your original plan with just your kids? I think you were planning what you and your FI could afford to host and something very intimate/special, which is great! 

If you don't really want them there or are indifferent to them being there, even if they guilt you, I would just say you appreciate their support but you are just keeping it to an intimate ceremony and dinner with your kids. I don't think people can be offended or hold that against you. If you do want them there, maybe consider doing something like cake and punch after. Your family could always go to dinner later that night after a light reception. 

You asked the question on the etiquette board and you got the proper etiquette answer which is to not invite them at all if you can afford to host them at some sort of reception whether it's dinner, cake and punch or cheese and crackers and lemonade. 

Melinda232

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us.  Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family. 

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

Thank you, When I asked the question, I did not realize everyone was going to be so judgmental and rude to me.  This is not about money as many of you have assumed.... We simply did not think that friends were going to want to drive the 3 hours (some still are not sure they will)  but others want to be there to support us regardless.  I have had talks with all of them about not doing the reception and going to dinner.  They were fine with that.  Again they for want to just be there for us. And because of the location, there are many other things for everyone to do after dinner.....if they want to hang out with us they can, if they want to go explore, then that's fine too.

All I was looking for was how to present this on paper and you are the only one that gave me a great idea, everyone else is just judging.  So thank you @Aroundtheblock

I will however be deleting my account from this place.  I do not wish to be around people who have forgotten what a wedding really is (family, love and support) and are only interested in what everyone else thinks and judging others.