Dad's sort-of-fiance wants her parents invited - who I DON'T know.

harper0813

Wow. I feel really bad for your guests.

aurianna

I got the impression that Cidefi would still still be hosting lemonade and sweet tea to her guests even after cocktail hour. I didn't get the impression that there would be other drinks for purchase. While I think it would be really wise to offer a sugar free drink other than water, I think she's being appropriate here.

This in part has been a big misunderstanding.
It looks like while she is only offering an open bar for the cocktail hour, I don't think she's doing a cash bar after; tea and lemonade is all that will be made available. It's not consistent so it's not ideal, but I don't think it's particularly offensive either.
And apparently she didn't mean B-listing in the way we tend to.

I could understand why she would get defensive, as she really isn't planning anything terribly wrong for her guests... but there was definitely some over-reaction on her part.

Text-speak has its place in short texts, but in forums like these its to our benefit if things are made easier to decipher and understand, and to yours, so that what you say isn't more easily misconstrued.


Wait... this was the thread about bride not wanting to invite her FSM's parents? Wow... we certainly branched.

Did OP ever respond to anything?

aurianna

stupid double post.

Viczaesar

cidefi said:

Okay, God knows why, but I'm going to try again. Why are you bringing up the idea of an open bar in response to her question? She wasn't asking about when there's an open bar. It's not relevant. Therefore it makes no sense as a response. Do you follow me?

Then stop trying...simple.

So in other words no, you don't understand.

Viczaesar

cidefi said:

@cidefi I think the confusion may be the understanding of what an open bar is... An open bar includes all soft drinks, wine, beer, and hard alcohol. It's paid for by the hosts and the guests can get whatever they want. It sounds like you are having this during cocktail hour only. @laurynm84 was asking if you are still offering hosted soft drinks to your guests after cocktail hour or if guests will be charged for them.

I'm from the south so there maybe some confusion on what "soft drinks" r. I define a soft drink as pop or soda. If @laurynm84 is asking me if I'm serving that, then my answer would still be no. We're not serving soda pop at all. Other wise @southernbelle I know what an open bar is. I don't need people's condecending attitudes. My problem isn't that people r correcting me or suggesting things. My overall problem is the constant nickpicking over and over and over again. Ok so we all know about my bar situation. We all understand that there is a proper way and an improper to do it. AND WE ALL KNOW THAT IM CHOOSING DO IT WRONG!!! Everybody does not have to keep saying the same thing a thousand times!! Now if u have questions, or maybe I didn't explain myself completely or correctly, then fine ask away. I have no problem with trying to help people understand my POV. But 1s I say this is what it is, then that's what it is. And all the insults and name calling, and stupid pictures r so unnessesary. I DON'T NEED TO KEEP BEING TOLD THAT I TYPE A 17 YEAR OLD. I type in shorthand/text speak its not a big deal. If is a big deal to u, SO WHAT!!! If u don't like how I type, skip over my responses...not hard to do. I type in big letters to stress a point, because the rules say that we can't use colored ink, not because I'm yelling. I've been saying the same thing for 3 days!! And now that bar topic has spilled over into this topic. CAN IT ALREADY!! I'm not changing ur minds, and u guys r not changing mine. U've told me the rules and have explained why it is that way. I appreciate the answers, but leave it be. I KNOW HOW U GUYS FEEL ALREADY...SHUT IT GEEZ!!!

Yep, definitely not a 40 year old.

PrettyGirlLost

aurianna said:

I got the impression that Cidefi would still still be hosting lemonade and sweet tea to her guests even after cocktail hour. I didn't get the impression that there would be other drinks for purchase. While I think it would be really wise to offer a sugar free drink other than water, I think she's being appropriate here.

This in part has been a big misunderstanding.
It looks like while she is only offering an open bar for the cocktail hour, I don't think she's doing a cash bar after; tea and lemonade is all that will be made available. It's not consistent so it's not ideal, but I don't think it's particularly offensive either.
And apparently she didn't mean B-listing in the way we tend to.

I could understand why she would get defensive, as she really isn't planning anything terribly wrong for her guests... but there was definitely some over-reaction on her part.

Text-speak has its place in short texts, but in forums like these its to our benefit if things are made easier to decipher and understand, and to yours, so that what you say isn't more easily misconstrued.


Wait... this was the thread about bride not wanting to invite her FSM's parents? Wow... we certainly branched.

Did OP ever respond to anything?

It may not be against etiquette per se, but isn't it generally discouraged here to only have an open bar during cocktail hour, or closing it during dinner, etc?  I thought it was discouraged because if advertised people will mob the bar during cocktail hour to ensure they get enough drinks before the bar closes, and if it isn't advertised people will go up to the bar later only to be disappointed.

mimiphin

I think OP was scared away!

aurianna

PrettyGirlLost said:

It may not be against etiquette per se, but isn't it generally discouraged here to only have an open bar during cocktail hour, or closing it during dinner, etc?  I thought it was discouraged because if advertised people will mob the bar during cocktail hour to ensure they get enough drinks before the bar closes, and if it isn't advertised people will go up to the bar later only to be disappointed.

The way see it, there is a spectrum of rudeness with bars. I view it as such, with the first being the rudest:

0. Any version of a cash bar where even the non-alcoholic drinks cost money

1. Cash Bar, all night, with Exceptions
Bride/Groom, maybe bridal party drink for free
(It's bad enough when the guests have to pay, it's even worse when we see the wedding "royalty" drinking for free while we pay)

2. Cash Bar, all night, for everyone

2. Open bar at cocktail hour, switched to cash after
(I decided to tie them. At least they're good hosts for an hour here, but the switch can be very confusing and cause issues).

4. Hosted beer & wine, cash liquor

4.5 Drink tickets
Part of me can rationalize... I don't get upset when they only offer me one steak or one piece of cake. So maybe I wouldn't be terribly put out if they only offered me two alcoholic drinks. But just the idea of getting tickets and then having to turn them in for my drink as if it were the neon yoyo at an arcade just turns me off.

5. Open bar at cocktail hour, switched to no bar after
(Because it can cause confusion and/or disappointment)

6. Open bar / hosted beer & wine / dry wedding / aka the things that aren't rude


I've said I don't think it's a good idea or proper and explained why. But I think she's taken an disproportionate amount of flack for her "crime." (though, a lot of that could be due to the attitude more than anything).

ETA
1 to 5 might all be against etiquette... but I feel like #5 is more of a side-eye than a full blown offensive thing. Just my opinion though.

ETA
Added 0 and 4.5

aurianna

I should change my screen name to "Double Poster"

PrettyGirlLost

That's a pretty decent list!

PrettyGirlLost

Gah, I'm a dbl poster now too!

Dreamergirl8812

Can anyone find a GIF for clusterfuck?

And stop fucking saying "retarded!" It's incredibly immature, ignorant, derogatory and hateful. But mostly ignorant.

huskypuppy14

I apologize for misunderstanding you @ Cidefi, and insinuating you were a troll.   When you are yelling at people and saying the R word what are we supposed to think? What you are doing with your drinks is fine with me, though technically against etiquette. 

Also, sorry again for starting this on the wrong thread.  

ShesSoCold

APDSS22

cidefi said:

cidefi said:

OK LET ME MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR. I MADE 3 LIST... LIST A IS FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT ME, MY FH KNOW WILL COME WITHOUT ANY DOUBT. LIST B IS THE PEOPLE WE ARE NOT SURE ABOUT BECAUSE THEY EITHER LIVE IN OTHER COUNTIES OR ACROSS THE COUNTRY OR WHATEVER THEIR REASON MY BE. LIST C IS A LIST OF PEOPLE (family members) THAT WE REALLY DON'T WANT AT THE WEDDING FOR WHATEVER REASONS. MY invitations are going to mailed out early, so that our guest can make appropite travel plans for themselves and their children being that school will still in session and because we have a lot of military family members. No I'm not mailing out 3 different lists. I'm using 3 different list to organize the OVERALL guestlist. PLEASE STOP TWISTING THIS UP!!!

cidefi said:

Wow really PDKH!! U people r calling me rude. But ur the 1's posting pictures and insulting me...wow this is laughable. Its great to see people get attacked for disagreeing with majority. I am not disrespecting my guest by making lists in order to organize myself and keep track of things. I don't feel like it would disrespectful to decline money that was being given with stipulations. Hell if I were in the bride's shoes I would have offened by the SM's demands, but again that's just me and I don't know the entire situation. This is really stupid and childish to me, and I won't be responding to any more of ur comments. To the orginal poster, I really do hope that ur situation works out, and that ur wedding day turns out to eveything u hoped and planned for. U all have a great night and be blessed

You are not being attacked here.  The "wedding ninja" came from your own post, she just supplied a picture of a "wedding ninja."  Because it's funny.  The only person attacking anyone is you @cidefi because (see quoted post above) all caps is considered yelling on an internet forum.  So you're the only one yelling at people and ATTACKING them.  The other posters just wanted to point out that your posts are against etiquette and this is an Etiquette Forum.  As in, a place where posters ask for advice about what to do in their situation that follows commonly accepted etiquette.

The definition for etiquette here being that you should be a proper host/hostess for your guests and see to their comfort and needs.  Example: If a bride does not provide enough chairs for her guests to all sit down during the ceremony, she is being rude to them because that causes them discomfort.  A proper hostess would have enough chairs for all of her guests to sit down.  If you do not care about the comfort of your guests, it might be wise to stop posting on an Etiquette board, where you will be refuted for your inconsiderate advice every time because the regular posters here spend a lot of time trying to help the newer posters learn proper etiquette and try to guide them to the correct hosting solution.

While you state that you are not trying to advise the posters, they ask a question and we all try to give them the most correct way to host their guests given their situation.  If you are posting what you would do in that situation, you are advising them that this is an acceptable solution to their problem and since you posted on an Etiquette board, you are also insinuating that your post exemplifies proper etiquette and will not offend the poster's guests.  Since none of us know each of the guests the poster plans to invite, what we do here is help the poster find a solution that will offend the smallest amount of people possible.  None of their guests, if we can manage it.  Most people are not offended by a gracious host/hostess who tries to see to the comfort of all of their guests.  Some people are indeed offended by cash bars, dollar dances, B-listing, fake ceremonies and everything of that ilk.

I personally do not mind text speak (which is the shortening of words like "you" and "are" to their phonetic letters "u" and "r") in small amounts although it does make your posts harder to read.

OH DEAR GOD STOP NICKPICKING!!! U people don't have to pick apart every single last freaking thing a person says. Geez don't u know how to read between the lines, or use common sense!!?? Seriously its a WEDDING!! It's a freaking wedding, and nobody is really gonna care about anything except the booze (if there any), and the food. Not 1 person is gonna die because they pay for drink, or because the wording isn't perfect on the invites, or because I use text speak on a website!! Posting pictures of something someone said is not funny ie. Wedding Ninjas. Its insulting and childish, and maybe hurtful to the poster. If u should get invited to a wedding and u don't like the invitation ie. cash bar - DECLINE TO GO. The couple would probably be better off without ur judgemental selves there anyway.

@cidefi : This is not nitpicking.  This was an attempt to respond to you in a logical fashion with reason and a level head.  I was trying to address the points you made without insulting your posting style (see where I just clarified what "text speak" is and that it only makes your posts harder to read, not calling you names or putting you down in any way shape or form?) or your intellect.  I never said anyone would "die" from any of these etiquette breaches.  Only that it makes you a poor hostess and that you would not be putting your guests first.  If you choose to do otherwise, I cannot stop you. 

I do not believe posting a picture of what a wedding ninja would look like should be construed as insulting.  Funny, maybe.  Maybe also a little childish if you think all adults lack a sense of humor but if someone posts about a fish in a hat, another poster putting up a picture of a fish in a hat wouldn't be insulting them so I really can't align myself to your point of view here.

I also mentioned the all caps thing because your posts in all caps will be read as yelling.  You continuing to use all caps after reading my post means you want to yell at me.  I'm not quite sure why since I was being as politic about my answers as possible to try to explain why people were responding as they were to your posts. 

If someone invited me to a wedding with "CASH BAR" written on the invites, I may very well decline to go in hopes that the couple may make use of the money they were planning on using to improperly host me and my husband to more comfortably host their remaining guests.  I don't even drink, I just think it indicates a lack of poor planning that could translate to other areas of the event like seating and food which would affect me more as a guest.  If it was a family member or very close friend I might still go depending on situation.  Most of the people I know are proper hosts though so I would have to wait for this situation to even occur to be sure.

Most of the things the ladies on this forum judge people on boil down to a lack of common decency on the part of the couple getting married.  I would absolutely 100% judge someone who made their guests more uncomfortable simply because they planned a wedding they could not afford or to have a certain "look".  Make cuts on things that don't affect your guests, don't go after things that affect them first when you need to make budget cuts.