Moms and Maids

Mom Causing Stress

edited September 2013 in Moms and Maids
I have planned my wedding date for October 2014. My dress arrived today and my mother of course was looking all over the packaging trying to figure out what it was. I got it into my room and tried it on, it fit beautifully with some room for me to grow. 

I've been delaying telling my mother about the date because she has been critical from my boyfriend from the start, my father likes him as he doesn't hold as superficial standards as my mother does. Of course when she asked I knew there was no hiding it any further (as this dress is massive) so I just went out and told her I had bought a wedding dress. She wanted me to show her and at first she seemed happy enough, she even took a picture to show my dad later... but then it began.

She started first (very rudely) asking when I was planning on getting married, if she was privy to that kind of information, so I just told her that maybe next year. She then began the comments of "you need to get situated first", "you don't need to get married", "I don't want you to marry him, anyone but him". This was enough to almost get me to tell her off but I acted along as if she were joking and went back into my room to put it away. The only other person home was my younger sister, she actually seemed excited about it all and even implied she wanted to be a bridesmaid. 

I had been so excited when I seen my dress had arrived and was bouncing when I had tried it on, now I am sitting in my room trying to avoid going back out there at all costs. I know that she is probably excited and happy for me on the inside but on the outside she is really beating me down over this. I don't know how to handle this as my mother and I have never had any serious emotional conversations. 

Edit: After I had already posted this I heard her talking to my sister in the living room about low cost wedding bands, so I am assuming this means she is more optimistic about this wedding then she is letting on.
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Re: Mom Causing Stress

  • I have planned my wedding date for October 2014. My dress arrived today and my mother of course was looking all over the packaging trying to figure out what it was. I got it into my room and tried it on, it fit beautifully with some room for me to grow. 

    I've been delaying telling my mother about the date because she has been critical from my boyfriend fiance from the start, my father likes him as he doesn't hold as superficial standards as my mother does. Of course when she asked I knew there was no hiding it any further (as this dress is massive) so I just went out and told her I had bought a wedding dress. She wanted me to show her and at first she seemed happy enough, she even took a picture to show my dad later... but then it began. So did you/did you not tell your parents you're engaged? I'm confused.

    She started first (very rudely) asking when I was planning on getting married, if she was privy to that kind of information, so I just told her that maybe next year. But you're getting married in October 2014. Why can't she know that? She then began the comments of "you need to get situated first", "you don't need to get married", "I don't want you to marry him, anyone but him". Her comments are inappropriate. I'm sorry you don't have her support. This was enough to almost get me to tell her off but I acted along as if she were joking and went back into my room to put it away. The only other person home was my younger sister, she actually seemed excited about it all and even implied she wanted to be a bridesmaid. Pick whoever you want for your bridal party - but usually they're not chosen until about 10 months out, just FYI.

    I had been so excited when I seen my dress had arrived and was bouncing when I had tried it on, now I am sitting in my room trying to avoid going back out there at all costs. I know that she is probably excited and happy for me on the inside but on the outside she is really beating me down over this. I don't know how to handle this as my mother and I have never had any serious emotional conversations. "Mom, I want to talk to you about our exchange earlier. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was engaged and that this is happening very suddenly for you. FI and I are planning to be married next October. I was scared if I told you, you wouldn't be supportive. As soon as I told you, the comments you made felt hurtful and unsupportive."

    Edit: After I had already posted this I heard her talking to my sister in the living room about low cost wedding bands, so I am assuming this means she is more optimistic about this wedding then she is letting on. Don't assume. Talk to her.
    If you are adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to talk to your mom about this. Go have a conversation with her about it. Come clean about all your plans.
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    doeydoDreamergirl8812RebeccaB88jendemeyer
  • She knew about my engagement, we've been engaged for 2 years now as he proposed closer to when I had started college. She kind of treated it as if it were a joke, even after she seen he had bought me a nice ring. She is the only person that I know who didn't take it seriously.

    I don't want to give her a certain month yet because I am still not 100% sure that the date will be set in stone. It will more than likely be in October unless something comes up and pushes it into next year. I really did not want to get into all of that at the exact moment, she will certainly know the date when I am more sure of it. (In my eyes she should have known this was coming sooner or later as this is my final year of college)

    As far as bridesmaids go I had no idea what I was going to do for that because all my friends will be out of town in school, so I am shocked and kind of happy my sister is bringing up being a bridesmaid.

    I am not going to go out and have a talk right now. I just feel it would probably be better to give her some time to absorb it, wait until she talks to my dad when he comes home... so maybe I'll wait a day or two to bring the topic up so that we can have a talk about all of this.

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  • She knew about my engagement, we've been engaged for 2 years now as he proposed closer to when I had started college. She kind of treated it as if it were a joke, even after she seen he had bought me a nice ring. She is the only person that I know who didn't take it seriously. I'm really sorry to hear that. It must be very hard to not have the support of your mother during your engagement.

    I don't want to give her a certain month yet because I am still not 100% sure that the date will be set in stone. How about "we are thinking about October of 2014, but we don't have anything set in stone at this time." It will more than likely be in October unless something comes up and pushes it into next year. I really did not want to get into all of that at the exact moment, she will certainly know the date when I am more sure of it. (In my eyes she should have known this was coming sooner or later as this is my final year of college) 

    As far as bridesmaids go I had no idea what I was going to do for that because all my friends will be out of town in school, so I am shocked and kind of happy my sister is bringing up being a bridesmaid. Are you planning on inviting your friends to your wedding? Do you think they will attend? If so, the only "duties" with being a BM is to show up to the wedding sober and in the dress you pick out. So if they're planning on coming to the wedding at all, the title of BM only puts them in a certain dress and place at the ceremony. Nothing else.

    I am not going to go out and have a talk right now. I just feel it would probably be better to give her some time to absorb it, wait until she talks to my dad when he comes home... so maybe I'll wait a day or two to bring the topic up so that we can have a talk about all of this. I think it's smart of you to talk to her about it while it's fresh. You can wait for her to cool off if you want, but don't let it go for too long. 

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She knew about my engagement, we've been engaged for 2 years now as he proposed closer to when I had started college. She kind of treated it as if it were a joke, even after she seen he had bought me a nice ring. She is the only person that I know who didn't take it seriously.

    I don't want to give her a certain month yet because I am still not 100% sure that the date will be set in stone. It will more than likely be in October unless something comes up and pushes it into next year. I really did not want to get into all of that at the exact moment, she will certainly know the date when I am more sure of it. (In my eyes she should have known this was coming sooner or later as this is my final year of college)

    As far as bridesmaids go I had no idea what I was going to do for that because all my friends will be out of town in school, so I am shocked and kind of happy my sister is bringing up being a bridesmaid.

    I am not going to go out and have a talk right now. I just feel it would probably be better to give her some time to absorb it, wait until she talks to my dad when he comes home... so maybe I'll wait a day or two to bring the topic up so that we can have a talk about all of this.


    Please don't take this the wrong way, but your posts are sounding very immature.  You are hiding out in your room like a moody teenager to avoid your mom.  You're waiting in your room until your dad comes home?  You're an adult!  Own it!  Tell your mom you are thinking of an October 2014 wedding, but haven't fully decided.  She is probably stunned that you are actually planning.  You ordered a wedding dress without her.  Many moms love to do that with their daughters.
    [Deleted User]southernbelle0915hockeywithadiamondDreamergirl8812

  • Please don't take this the wrong way, but your posts are sounding very immature.  You are hiding out in your room like a moody teenager to avoid your mom.  You're waiting in your room until your dad comes home?  You're an adult!  Own it!  Tell your mom you are thinking of an October 2014 wedding, but haven't fully decided.  She is probably stunned that you are actually planning.  You ordered a wedding dress without her.  Many moms love to do that with their daughters.
    I am not hiding in my room, if I had not shown her the dress I would still be in my room working on some of my homework. I meant that I was not going to go out there to bring this up until she actually talks to my father first to sort things out (I'll actually be out of the house at work before my dad comes home). 

    Right now I have been trying to consider how I'd feel about this if it were me and part of me thinks that she spoke before she thought. I also realize that she probably thinks I've been scheming behind her back when I've really just been looking for ideas and sorting out my thoughts and didn't want to tell her before I was sure of myself.
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  • She knew about my engagement, we've been engaged for 2 years now as he proposed closer to when I had started college. She kind of treated it as if it were a joke, even after she seen he had bought me a nice ring. She is the only person that I know who didn't take it seriously. I'm really sorry to hear that. It must be very hard to not have the support of your mother during your engagement.

    I don't want to give her a certain month yet because I am still not 100% sure that the date will be set in stone. How about "we are thinking about October of 2014, but we don't have anything set in stone at this time." It will more than likely be in October unless something comes up and pushes it into next year. I really did not want to get into all of that at the exact moment, she will certainly know the date when I am more sure of it. (In my eyes she should have known this was coming sooner or later as this is my final year of college) 

    As far as bridesmaids go I had no idea what I was going to do for that because all my friends will be out of town in school, so I am shocked and kind of happy my sister is bringing up being a bridesmaid. Are you planning on inviting your friends to your wedding? Do you think they will attend? If so, the only "duties" with being a BM is to show up to the wedding sober and in the dress you pick out. So if they're planning on coming to the wedding at all, the title of BM only puts them in a certain dress and place at the ceremony. Nothing else.

    I am not going to go out and have a talk right now. I just feel it would probably be better to give her some time to absorb it, wait until she talks to my dad when he comes home... so maybe I'll wait a day or two to bring the topic up so that we can have a talk about all of this. I think it's smart of you to talk to her about it while it's fresh. You can wait for her to cool off if you want, but don't let it go for too long. 

    I'm thinking that perhaps it'd be a good time to approach it tomorrow morning when we are alone so that we've both had time to sleep on it. I really think that once she talks to my dad about it and then has time to think on her own that perhaps she will be in a better state of mind to discuss it without getting nasty with me. At this moment I have still gotten more mixed signals but it sounds less nasty and more joking as if she is trying to cover up what she said earlier as a joke.

    The whole bridesmaids topic is something I have no solid ideas about. My friends are not the type to want to spend money to attend an event, so my sister may as well be my only option if they cannot make it. I have brought it up to my best friend and as it is the kind of thing she could only commit to much closer to the date (as in a couple months prior). 
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  • Why doesn't she like your FI?
    MairePoppydoeydo
  • Teddy917 said:
    Why doesn't she like your FI?
    If you were to ask her this point blank she gives a different reason everytime. She will call him a jack**s, lazy, abuser (this is a long and interesting story based on a rumour she heard about us joking around at the beach), dirty, fat, rude, poor... the list goes on and on. It is my belief that she is just searching for reasons why he is not good enough for me. 

    It this were actually the case then my father and friends would likely agree with her on some level, but no one seems to hate him nearly as much as she does. I guess her idea of a husband was someone rich and successful who would sweep me off my feet. We've been together for 4 years now and only on a few occasions she has actually gotten along with him or made a compliment to him.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Think of this from your mom's perspective.  Her daughter is engaged for 2 years.  No known plans have been made and all of a sudden a wedding dress arrives at the house.  Your mom is probably very flustered with this sudden development.  I still think you need to own this.  Tell your mom any ideas you have.

    I also think Teddy asks a valid question.  Why doesn't you mom like your FI?
    Teddy917MairePoppy

  • Teddy917 said:

    Why doesn't she like your FI?

    If you were to ask her this point blank she gives a different reason everytime. She will call him a jack**s, lazy, abuser (this is a long and interesting story based on a rumour she heard about us joking around at the beach), dirty, fat, rude, poor... the list goes on and on. It is my belief that she is just searching for reasons why he is not good enough for me. 

    It this were actually the case then my father and friends would likely agree with her on some level, but no one seems to hate him nearly as much as she does. I guess her idea of a husband was someone rich and successful who would sweep me off my feet. We've been together for 4 years now and only on a few occasions she has actually gotten along with him or made a compliment to him.


    Has he given her any reason to think any of those things?
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Teddy917 said:
    Why doesn't she like your FI?
    If you were to ask her this point blank she gives a different reason everytime. She will call him a jack**s, lazy, abuser (this is a long and interesting story based on a rumour she heard about us joking around at the beach), dirty, fat, rude, poor... the list goes on and on. It is my belief that she is just searching for reasons why he is not good enough for me. 

    It this were actually the case then my father and friends would likely agree with her on some level, but no one seems to hate him nearly as much as she does. I guess her idea of a husband was someone rich and successful who would sweep me off my feet. We've been together for 4 years now and only on a few occasions she has actually gotten along with him or made a compliment to him.
    Does the bolded mean that some of your friends/father don't care for him? The way you worded it implies other people don't like him, just not to the extent your mother dislikes him. In this case there is a big difference between "Nobody hates him as much as my mom" and "Everybody else LIKES him"

    I'm sorry your mom isn't being supportive of you.
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    Anniversary
    jendemeyer
  • In terms of my other friends and family they like him, even my best friend who I confide in when we have our issues doesn't dislike him at all. Some are probably just indifferent about him because they don't know him very well but he has never done anything to make them dislike him. Even my best friend has made comments about my mom's attitude towards him, she feels it isn't fair to me.

    It is a complicated amount of reasons why she doesn't like him. When we started dating in high school he lived in the "bad" part of town so my mom really looked down her nose at him and his mother as neither of them worked and his mom collected disability. He only started working when I motivated him to start saving money, since he only has a high school diploma (which he struggled for) he doesn't have the best jobs. He hasn't started college yet but intends to once I am out of college (and start to settle down) and he figures out what he wants to do for a career.

    He has tourettes so whenever he comes over to my house he grunts about 3 times a minute, which my mother doesn't see as much as a medical condition and more of a disrespectful remark even though he has no control over it. He also has a problem with his perspiration which causes him to have a stronger odour when nervous, he is supposed to use prescription deodorant but cannot afford it, she takes this as a sign he is lazy and dirty.

    Once she heard a rumour he was abusing me because a neighbour had seen us on the beach joking around, he was jokingly shaking me back and forth by my shoulders (making me laugh) and they took this as a fight and immediately told my mother who believed them over me, I heard about that for months until I finally snapped at her. I still think part of her believes it. 

    I could go on but it'd just keep on going similar to above... But generally these things above are the basic reasons why she dislikes him so much. 

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  • Well I can see how someone that doesn't know him that well could think badly of him. But he sounds cool to me. Maybe your mom just needs to get used to it and then maybe she'll warm up to him.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with Teddy. I'm glad your best friend likes him, thats always important. I would try to be a bit more open plan wise with your mom, I know mine would be extremely hurt by me purchasing a wedding dress without doing any shopping with her. Give her a chance to warm up to him. Try to get your dad to talk to her maybe?
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    Anniversary
  • Just an update on what is going on.

    She has talked to my dad and some of her friends already so this morning we had a talk about it. She told me that she is just worried for me and doesn't want me to make a mistake. I ended up just telling her that if I have royally screwed up then we will just get divorced and I will learn my lesson.

    She hasn't said anything else nasty about him and is actually joking about it now. 
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  • Just an update on what is going on.

    She has talked to my dad and some of her friends already so this morning we had a talk about it. She told me that she is just worried for me and doesn't want me to make a mistake. I ended up just telling her that if I have royally screwed up then we will just get divorced and I will learn my lesson.

    She hasn't said anything else nasty about him and is actually joking about it now. 
    Even though divorce happens, you should never go into a marriage thinking of it as a "way out." You should both be so CONFIDENT and COMMITTED to this marriage, that divorce isn't even thought of. If something drastic and unexpected were to happen later on, then divorce might be considered then, but please don't enter into a marriage thinking "We'll just get divorced if we realize it was a mistake." Figure it out now and then decided to get married or not.
    KeptInStitchesTeddy917jendemeyer
  • Even though divorce happens, you should never go into a marriage thinking of it as a "way out." You should both be so CONFIDENT and COMMITTED to this marriage, that divorce isn't even thought of. If something drastic and unexpected were to happen later on, then divorce might be considered then, but please don't enter into a marriage thinking "We'll just get divorced if we realize it was a mistake." Figure it out now and then decided to get married or not.
    I personally don't believe in getting divorced unless all other means of salvaging the marriage have been attempted first. I don't think like this, I actually am very confident and committed to marriage with him, I just told this to my mother to have her less worried... I don't want her to think that I'm trapping myself forever with the wrong person. Even though I pray and don't plan on ever getting divorced I recognize that it is a possibility in all marriages. 


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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    Jessica - I'm glad you were able to talk it out with your mother. 

    For those who said you were "hiding" in your room or who suggested that you need to stick up for yourself, are all close with both or one of your parents? I am in a similar boat like Jessica. My mother has done some terrible things and I have a lot of emotional/psychological/mental damage done because of this & my life while living with my family. (I am from Cali, I moved to be with my FI who is from the state of NY, that's how bad it was) It is not easy to try to "talk it out" with someone who just doesn't want to hear your opinion yet you still want their love and approval. 

    I didn't think you were hiding at all Jessica. I have gotten in plenty of fights (yelling and scream till our throats hurt matches) & escaping to my room was just the only option I had to keep my sanity. Running away from the problem doesn't help but some people just do not hear what you have to say. I just wanted to let you guys know for those out there that do not have close relationships with their parents or with anyone for that matter, it's hard to stick up or speak up to that person when they don't want to hear what you have to say. 

    2012FutureMrsB - I also agree with you. Entering a marriage with any kind of thought of "Oh I have an out" is not a good way to start a marriage/life together. 
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