asking guy to be groomsman but not his gf to be bridesmaid

whynot342

hi everyone,

i have a quick question. my fiancee and i are getting married next summer and we are discussing our attendants. we each have a younger sister, both of whom of course want to be in the party. i also have my two best friends from childhood who will be my bridesmaids (no maids of honor). my fiancee is going to ask his male cousin, and his sister (grooms--woman? gal? groomsmaid) and probably one other friend. this friend and his fiancee is someone that we hang out with a fair amount of time. is it ok for my fiancee to just ask the guy, and i not ask the girl? this makes it the parties more balanced, etc. i dont know. we are pretty good friends with them as a couple, though the my fiancee and the guy work together. she may ask me to be in her upcoming wedding, but not sure. help!

RebeccaB88

Your bridal parties are supposed to be those you are the absolute closest to. Pick who you really, really want to be there. It's not an insult to not choose someone as a bridesmaid. Just invite her to the wedding and make sure they get to sit together at the reception.

Dreamergirl8812

whynot342 said:

hi everyone,

i have a quick question. my fiancee and i are getting married next summer and we are discussing our attendants. we each have a younger sister, both of whom of course want to be in the party. i also have my two best friends from childhood who will be my bridesmaids (no maids of honor). my fiancee is going to ask his male cousin, and his sister (grooms--woman? gal? groomsmaid) and probably one other friend. this friend and his fiancee is someone that we hang out with a fair amount of time. is it ok for my fiancee to just ask the guy, and i not ask the girl? this makes it the parties more balanced, etc. i dont know. we are pretty good friends with them as a couple, though the my fiancee and the guy work together. she may ask me to be in her upcoming wedding, but not sure. help!

You do not decide who stands up with you based on who stands up with him; you choose yours, he chooses his. Period.

As others around here say, you choose who you would call if you had to hide a body at 2am.

It's not tit for tat (doesn't matter if she'll choose you to be in her wedding). And sides don't need to be even.

bethsmiles

You do not have to ask her just because your FI is asking her FI to be in the wedding. But if the only reason you aren't asking her is because of even sides that is pretty crappy. Forget numbers, forget about if she might ask you to be in her wedding, forget who your FI is asking, and ask yourself do you want this girl to be a BM? If the answer if yes then ask her. If the answer if no then don't.

whynot342

thanks everyone. there are other friends that i would ask before her, but i do want to stick to a small bridal party. should i give her another honor? (and if so, like what? we are jewish, but we will not be having a super religious wedding or anything). contact the day my fiance asks the guy?

AroundTheBlock

The old tradition for bridesmaids and groomsmen was that they had to be single. That rule is gone with the 1960s, but it is worth while considering what that rule facilitated. Remember that what weddings are all about is the commitment between marital partners. Married people are supposed to consider their partner's well-being first before any other commitment. And someone who has a fiancee is engaged to be married -- in other words, they have made a marital commitment, if only a preliminary one. The same is true (and in fact moreso true) of anyone who has entered into cohabitation with someone else since that is a form of de-facto marriage lacking only the legal component.

So, if you choose truly single attendants, you can count on them to be free to attend showers and hen (or "bachelorette") parties, to be available to ride with you in limousines and spend hours at rehearsals or photo-shoots, without being concerned about whether their partner is being taken care of. You can devise your seating plan without worrying about where to sit these partners-of-attendants. Or course there are ways to take care of attendants' partners such that you show respect for their relationship, while still not automatically including partners into your wedding party. But you will have to make the effort continuously to find those creative solutions.

My point is that, while you certainly do not need to include the groomsman's fiancee in your wedding party, you two will have to include her in your planning anyway. That's part and parcel of the choice when one of you chooses to have married or engaged attendants.

Jen4948

There is no requirement that couples be asked together to be in a wedding party.  You do have to invite both to your wedding and seat them together at your reception, but that's as far as it goes.

misssunshine17

Don't give her some other random job, unless it's doing a reading. Anything else isn't an honor and she'd probably rather be a regular guest.

palrmt

You definitely don't have to ask her to be BM but I wouldn't suggest giving her a "job." I have been to a couple weddings that my husband (then bf) was a GM in and I was perfectly fine just being a guest.  It never crossed my mind that the bride would ask me to be in the WP cause we weren't particularly close in either case. 

bethsmiles

missax said:

misssunshine17 said:

Don't give her some other random job, unless it's doing a reading. Anything else isn't an honor and she'd probably rather be a regular guest.

Agreed. Being a guest is an honor.

 I agree with this as well. I was just talking with a friend who has been a BM in 2 weddings this year and she was saying how she is so excited that she gets to just be a guest at the next wedding she is attending.

ei34

The bride-to-be picks those closest to her to be her MOH and bridesmaids, and the groom-to-be picks the guys he's closest to.  My two MOHs (my sisters) and my bridesmaid were all dating guys at the time, but none of them were in my hubby's party.  My groom's sisters weren't even in my bridal party- they're nice and we get along but they're not members of my innermost circle.  Just make sure that the dates of bridal party members are sitting with their significant others at the reception, and not with strangers.

allispain

Based on your second post, OP, I definitely don't think you should invite her - she's not one of your nearest and dearest. I also recommend against giving her something else to do - she doesn't need to be given a job just because her FI is a GM (no one should be given a job regardless). Just make sure that you seat her with her FI at the reception, and invite her to join you for the RD (if you're having one).