Legally Married but PPD Wedding Later Complication - They are the same day.

kgd7357

First of all, I am not married legally, nor have I had a PPD. I plan to do both next June on the same day. The issue I have is unique to border towns.

My FI's dad will be performing our ceremony (more affordable and sentimental), but is only legally allowed to in DC (he's actually a family court judge). We are not religous and do not require a church ceremony, so we'd had planned to do the ceremony and reception in the same location. After looking at venue prices in DC, we decided to pick a venue just over the border in VA that was much more affordable. We later found out that VA is one of the most expensive places to get permission to perform marriages.

As a result, we were thinking of signing our license and actually agreeing to marry each other in the morning and doing our vow and ring exchange in the evening in front of our guests. Does this mean that I can't call it a wedding or wear a white dress or receive gifts?

RebeccaB88

IMHO, if you aren't getting legally married in front of your guests, it's a PPD, even the same day.  You should probably either find a new venue in DC, or find a new officiant in VA. 

phira

Honestly, I think that you need to make some decisions about how the day will go. What you're planning isn't as blatantly egregious as a typical PPD, but it's still not necessary.

You basically need to decide how important it is for you to be married by your future father-in-law, and how important it is for you to say your vows and have your ceremony in front of your guests. You can get married in DC and then go to the reception in VA--your guests will miss the ceremony. You can find an officiant in VA--everyone can see the ceremony but your future father-in-law won't officiate. You can just pony up the cash to have your future father-in-law officiate in VA. You can find a ceremony venue in DC that can fit everyone, and have your reception in VA.

kgd7357

Thanks for the thoughts. That's why I'm asking now. The venue is not changeable, and we would really love my FFIL to do it, so it looks like we may just have to pony up the cash. Still cheaper than hiring someone else.

grumbledore

kgd7357 said:

First of all, I am not married legally, nor have I had a PPD. I plan to do both next June on the same day. The issue I have is unique to border towns.

My FI's dad will be performing our ceremony (more affordable and sentimental), but is only legally allowed to in DC (he's actually a family court judge). We are not religous and do not require a church ceremony, so we'd had planned to do the ceremony and reception in the same location. After looking at venue prices in DC, we decided to pick a venue just over the border in VA that was much more affordable. We later found out that VA is one of the most expensive places to get permission to perform marriages.

As a result, we were thinking of signing our license and actually agreeing to marry each other in the morning and doing our vow and ring exchange in the evening in front of our guests. Does this mean that I can't call it a wedding or wear a white dress or receive gifts?

You should pay the fee for your chosen officiant to officiate your actual marriage at your actual wedding.  You should not get married in one place and then re-enact getting married a few hours later in front of an audience.

Jen4948

If you want to get married at that venue, then yes, you'll have to cough up the funds to have a qualified person marry you there.  But don't try to cut corners at the expense of your honesty.

ei34

The vows are the sweetest part of a ceremony in my opinion, that's what your guests will get to witness.  I think because it's the same day it's fine.  Hope you and your fiancé have a happy day!

grumbledore

eileenrob said:

The vows are the sweetest part of a ceremony in my opinion, that's what your guests will get to witness.  I think because it's the same day it's fine.  Hope you and your fiancé have a happy day!

Their guests would only get to witness the re-enacted vows.  This is bs.

katieg520

What does PPD mean?

kgd7357

Well the idea was that we wouldn't do the vows until later. You don't need to exchange vows to be legally married just in sane mind, and verbally consenting. And it wouldn't be a wedding ceremony, it would be a vow and ring exchange.

Although, I see this isn't a popular idea. It's too bad VA is just so gosh darn difficult with granting permission. We may look at some options in DC too, since the ceremony is so short we may find something cheap or free.

bunni727

Just how close are we talking? Could you have the ceremony in DC and reception in VA? I've read on here that people are okay traveling up to 20-30 minutes in between sites.

Jen4948

@kgd7357, if you want the moment in the presence of your friends and family at which you exchange vows and become "married" not to be a PPD, and to be your real wedding, then that means you can't have a private legal ceremony in advance.  If you have the earlier ceremony, then the earlier ceremony would be your "wedding" whether or not vows or rings are exchanged.  It being cheaper or "easier" to marry in DC than in VA is not an excuse.

Edited to add: Changed to correct jurisdictions

kgd7357

@bunni727

The reception is 2 miles over the border, so VERY close.

Your idea is what I meant by: "We may look at some options in DC too, since the ceremony is so short we may find something cheap or free."

We might just split them up and people can come to both. We'd just make sure they were timed far enough apart so people could travel.

If you were a guest, does that plan seem more preferable to watching just vows and ring exchange (which would not be called a wedding)?

Again, this is why I'm asking now. I have plenty of time to look into options, just trying to get a set of opinions.

grumbledore

kgd7357 said:

Well the idea was that we wouldn't do the vows until later. You don't need to exchange vows to be legally married just in sane mind, and verbally consenting. And it wouldn't be a wedding ceremony, it would be a vow and ring exchange.

Although, I see this isn't a popular idea. It's too bad VA is just so gosh darn difficult with granting permission. We may look at some options in DC too, since the ceremony is so short we may find something cheap or free.

A "legal marriage" is a marriage.  Any moment or series of moments during which a marriage is created is a ceremony, regardless of formality.  Your guests want to see a bride and groom walk down the aisle and get married, not a husband and wife of three hours walk down an aisle and pretend to get married.

kgd7357

@grumbledore

I understand your opinion. I'm looking at other options, and asking for thoughts on them. Please do not repeat the same criticism. I got it. Check. Bad idea.

OliveOilsMom

First, many people post at the same time, so it's possible to get more than one response bascially saying the same thing.  So don't take that too personally.

Second, getting married in DC and then going to the reception in VA is pretty much the same as marrying in a church and then going to the reception venue, which is what lots of couples do.  Find a place in DC that works for your ceremony and then have the reception in VA.  This is a great plan.

Maggie0829

@kgd7357 - Is there a way for your FFIL to work with an officiant in VA to help perform the ceremony?  Like your FFIL could say the opening remarks and welcome the guests to the wedding and then say a nice speech of such about the two of you but the ordained officiant can perform all the necessary items, such as the vows and exchanging of rings and pronouncing you man and wife.

grumbledore

kgd7357 said:

@grumbledore

I understand your opinion. I'm looking at other options, and asking for thoughts on them. Please do not repeat the same criticism. I got it. Check. Bad idea.

I think the reason it is being repeated is because you are still saying that's how you're doing it. We are trying to show you why it's a bad idea.

Nail, I'd like you to meet my friend, Head.

kgd7357

@bubbles053009

I already see that it's a bad idea. @grumbledore has pointed it out three times.

I was nervous about asking people to move between the ceremony and reception because the ceremony will be short and not in a religious place. However, I think I am now leaning towards this plan based on some of the helpful responses. @OliveOilsMom

What I was wondering is if guests would find the travel annoying, since it seems a little unneeded because it isn't a religious thing.

Maggie0829

@bubbles053009

I already see that it's a bad idea. @grumbledore has pointed it out three times.

I was nervous about asking people to move between the ceremony and reception because the ceremony will be short and not in a religious place. However, I think I am now leaning towards this plan based on some of the helpful responses. @OliveOilsMom

What I was wondering is if guests would find the travel annoying, since it seems a little unneeded because it isn't a religious thing.

If you aren't getting married in a church or other religious building, then yes, as a guest I would be confused and wondering why you just didn't have the ceremony and reception all in one location. And driving from DC into Virginia depending on the time of day can be hell and even though it is a short distance could take awhile with traffic. So yes, as a guest I would be slightly annoyed because I would have to deal with the hell that is DC roads/traffic.

bunni727

@bubbles053009

I already see that it's a bad idea. @grumbledore has pointed it out three times.

I was nervous about asking people to move between the ceremony and reception because the ceremony will be short and not in a religious place. However, I think I am now leaning towards this plan based on some of the helpful responses. @OliveOilsMom

What I was wondering is if guests would find the travel annoying, since it seems a little unneeded because it isn't a religious thing.

If you aren't getting married in a church or other religious building, then yes, as a guest I would be confused and wondering why you just didn't have the ceremony and reception all in one location. And driving from DC into Virginia depending on the time of day can be hell and even though it is a short distance could take awhile with traffic. So yes, as a guest I would be slightly annoyed because I would have to deal with the hell that is DC roads/traffic.

Stuck in the box: I'm not familiar with the area, so didn't know if it would be a hassle when I suggested it. If that won't work, I like the idea of having your desired officiant work with someone who can perform legal marriages in VA.

daveANDkristen

I would not side eye a ceremony and reception taking place at two different locations, even if the ceremony wasn't in a church.  I do agree with PPs though. I wouldn't side eye this as much if you are being open with your guests, but I think being married publicly/legally in one ceremony is the best scenario.  Look into some reception venues that are closeby your ceremony spot.  If traffic is a concern, maybe you should drive between the two venues several times at various times of day to see if it's bad. 

Out of curiosity, does it really cost that much to be ordained in Virginia?

jenniferurs

I think she said that having her FFIL ordained in VA would still be cheaper than hiring an officiant in the area. That being said, I'm not sure the "hire an ordained minister and have your FFIL perform only certain aspects of the ceremony" thing really solves the issue. If she's going to spend that much, she can just spend it on getting the FFIL ready to go.

ranzzo

daveANDkristen said:

I would not side eye a ceremony and reception taking place at two different locations, even if the ceremony wasn't in a church.  I do agree with PPs though. I wouldn't side eye this as much if you are being open with your guests, but I think being married publicly/legally in one ceremony is the best scenario.  Look into some reception venues that are closeby your ceremony spot.  If traffic is a concern, maybe you should drive between the two venues several times at various times of day to see if it's bad. 

Out of curiosity, does it really cost that much to be ordained in Virginia?

My ceremony took place at a pretty gazebo in a local park, my brother was ordained so that he could officiate.  Our reception was at the local civic center.  I don't think it matters if the ceremony location is a church or other religious building. 

kgd7357

@jenniferurs

You are correct. It still is cheaper. VA is really weird because they do not accept online ordinations and you have to prove you have an "active congregation", which is tough if you don't live there. You can also get a "one time civil marriage authorization", but again you have to be a resident and post a $500 bond. There are a few loopholes in that you can actually have anyone perform the ceremony as long as a VA resident is there and gets the "one time civil marriage authorization". They can then sign the paperwork and get the bond back. The other option is to pay a VA based organization to ordain you, and they will provide you with the needed paperwork for the court (this is what is cheaper than an officiant, but a pain in the neck). I looked into it quite a bit. This may still be the best bet.

APDSS22

I think the easiest solution for you OP, would be to pay to have your FFIL legally able to wed you and your FI in VA.  If it's cheaper than having someone else perform the ceremony, then bonus points.  If you want to have the ceremony in DC and the reception in VA I think you're going to need to see exactly how bad the traffic's going to be.  Depending on where you are, most people don't mind driving a couple miles but that traffic could be terrible and not worth it.  You also might look into lengthening the vows part so that people wouldn't be driving out for a 2 second ceremony then dealing with traffic over state lines and getting frustrated before arriving at the reception.  If the drive's going to be longer than the ceremony, I would go back to the idea of paying to make FFIL legal in VA.

WildMagelet

I wouldn't mind travelling a few miles between ceremony and reception if I could watch you actually get married.  I am not from the area though so I don't know what the traffic would be like when/where you're planning on being on the road.  Aside from religious ceremonies I've also attended outdoor ceremonies that require a small amount of travel between the ceremony & reception location.

Ultimately it sounds like it would be worth the extra cost & hassle just to get your FFIL ordained in VA, unless you can find someone reasonably priced to co-officiate the ceremony as PPs suggested.

Dreamergirl8812

OP I understand the desire to save money (hundreds in your case). But the MOST important part of a wedding is the getting married part. That is the ONLY part of the wedding you cannot skimp on. Do what you have to do to have a valid marriage ceremony.

hockeywithadiamond

kgd7357 said:

@grumbledore

I understand your opinion. I'm looking at other options, and asking for thoughts on them. Please do not repeat the same criticism. I got it. Check. Bad idea.

Check out Roosevelt Island as a possibility...NPS land but I believe they consider it D.C.  There's also Thompson's Boat Center and I've seen quick ceremonies there back when I was a rower.  There's a bunch of options in D.C. and check out MD as well.  Glen Echo Park is beautiful and has weddings all the time by the carousel and in their spanish ballroom.  You could check with Metro PD and see if holding a quick ceremony at Logan circle would be possible, it's one of the prettier circles in DC.  I think if you look there are tons of options for low cost ceremony venues in DC.  

I would consider having people park at the reception though and hiring a charter bus to shuttle people into the city.  Depending on your crowd I know there are a bunch of people in Metro DC who hate driving in the city and are terrified of the Metro.

PM me if you want some more suggestions.

photokitty

*zips up flame suit bc i know this won't be a popular suggestion, but I'm trying to cone up with some alternative suggestions* what if you have the wedding as planned, and then drive across the border and sign the paperwork? You could reaffirm the fact you vowed to marry, but you have to stay sober and of sound mind at your reception.

SP29

I wouldn't have an issue driving between ceremony and reception, even with a non-religious ceremony site, as long as they were fairly close (within half an hour) and no huge gap in between.