Is there a settled opinion re: bridal party dates?

PrettyGirlLost

tmclawchick said:

 

msuprincess04 said:

Wow. I guess I always consider couples as a single entity. So, where one is invited, the other is naturally invited as well. I'd be annoyed if I was invited to a wedding 4 hours away then had to sit in a hotel room by myself all night, then spend hours the next day trying to entertain myself because my date went off for pictures and I wasn't invited. It's one thing to say the dates can join and for them to decline, it's another to say they aren't allowed to be there at all. 

Frankly, the bride needs to get over herself and think of her wedding party and what makes them comfortable as well. This may include having a date tag along. What would a date do that would interrupt her pictures anyway? The bridal party spends a lot of that time just standing around while people take pictures of the bride/groom. 

This was what I thought too! My fiance was the best man in his friend's wedding and I was invited to everything the night before/killed time off to the side with the other dates while they took picutres with no problem...

I have a feeling the next 8 months are going to be difficult....

Oh shit, this wedding is 8 months out?!  And she is already all worked up about the day of schedule?

Oh honey, send her ass to us right away!

XrebeccaX

I was invited to a night-before sleepover recently, as the fiancee of the best man, and I declined. There were some other factors at play (for one thing it wasn't at a hotel, it was at the bride and groom's home; we have a dog at home that needed tending; other logistics involving carpooling with OOT guests etc) but the bride didn't mind at all. I showed up the next morning to "get ready" with her and her MOH and all was well.

Point being, it is nice to be included but it's just not worth worrying about (for your friend). She'll encounter plenty of other things to worry/be stressed about so I think this is one thing she just needs to let go. Also...what harm does it do if the dates of the wedding party are cooling their heels while pictures are taken? They're not going to be photobombing (presumably). Sure, it's not how I'd want to spend an hour but I'd also not want to be knocking around town sans my date.

Basically my feeling is that everyone is an adult in this situation and they will have different levels of comfort regarding sharing a hotel room with relative strangers. The bride should give her WP the OPTION to stay with her if they'd like; people will hopefully respond based on their comfort level/personal preferences. It's probably not necessary to invite the GM's dates.

climbingsingle

I didn't notice until now that the wedding is 8 months away. Holy jeez. Talk about a Bridezilla. 

APDSS22

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I didn't notice until now that the wedding is 8 months away. Holy jeez. Talk about a Bridezilla. 

Hopefully in the 8 months til the wedding the bride forgets about this little scheme...

MandyMost

I'm replying before reading the other responses because to me, this seems SO obvious.

The bridal party has to be invited to the wedding with their dates. The bride and groom can NOT require their bridal party to spend the night before the wedding. The bride and groom can invite the bridal party, sans dates, to spend the night if they wish, but the bridal party is fully allowed to decline if they choose not to leave their date alone in a hotel for a night, with no repercussions. 

The bride and groom can choose who is in their pictures. The can not choose who is present when those pictures are taken. However, if there is a limo, the bride and groom can only offer the limo to the bridal party, but the bridal party can fully refuse to take the limo if it leaves their dates high and dry.

Honestly, the best option here is to forgo the sleepovers, and then be a polite host and try to keep your guests (i.e. your bridal party and their dates) happy by either allowing the dates to observe the photos, or doing your best to entertain them while their dates are taking photos. 

annathy03

This Jenn girl is BSC.  First off, the WP gets to bring their dates to the RD, it's incredibly rude to not include them at the dinner, almost as much so as not inviting them to the wedding.  Second, WTF is she worried about them being at pictures for?  They won't photobomb them.  Third, a sleepover?  I'm OK if they're optional, but making it feel required (since there is nothing they can do to make it ACTUALLY required) is bullshit.

HisGirlFriday13

I just got married Sunday. My MOH had her FI with her, my BM had her BF with her, one of DH's GM had his....date...with him, his brother (another GM) had his FI with him. 

You know what? I barely noticed them.

The girls' dates dropped them off at the salon, then hung out (separately; they didn't know each other) at Panera, then accompanied us to the church. Both of them brought books and sat quietly in the back of the church reading until the Mass started. We took photos after the ceremony at the church and they continued to sit quietly. We took a few photos at the reception venue outside, and they stayed inside and ate the hors d'oeuvres. 

Jenn has an attitude problem and a bridezilla problem, and her FI needs to tell her to tone it the eff down.

M1ssJ

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

phira

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

These people are all adults. You didn't NEED everyone to stay with you the night before. It would have been nice if you offered the accommodations and made it known what time people needed to be there by. But if you required it, you were being rude.

And I'm sorry, but saying that significant others would be a distraction for the wedding party? Your wedding party members were your honored guests, and not your props.

HisGirlFriday13

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

Ditto @phira; your wedding party members were your honoured guests, not props, and if you required them to spend the night with you/your FI, away from their SOs, you treated them shamefully. I'm morbidly curious -- how many of them are still friends with you now?

manateehugger

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

You make your wedding party sound like children - "wrangle" them - really? They aren't your property or your props. 

How the hell is someone going to distract the bridal party (from their oh-so-important duties?)? Unless they are streaking buck ass naked swing a rally towel through your photo sessions, I don't get it. 

blueobsidian

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

So basically, you told the people who are closest to you that you think they are irresponsible and don't believe they are capable of showing up on time.  Since when it is ok to treat your loved ones like that?  If you don't trust and respect them, why would you want them to stand up next to you?

tmclawchick

 

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

Holy early wedding batman! Though I bet the lighting would be really nice in the morning, and there's a nice calmness to everything too...

It seems like your plan worked well for you, but if one of the groomsmen and the groom both wanted their dates to be able to linger while photos were being taken (seeing that they're driving from a far distance and would need to give their dates a ride to reception or otherwise plan for their dates to try to hitch a ride with someone else--awkward--) would you have refused? That's the situation we're dealing with here, and I'm at a loss...

climbingsingle

I am abnormal and wake up early every day, even on the weekends. But if I had to wake up at 5am for hair and makeup, I would not be a happy camper. Eeeesh. 

ashleyep

grumbledore said:

She's being ridiculous.  Who cares if the "dates" are hanging around, as long as they aren't disrupting the photos?

Also, sleeping over the night before?  Seriously?  What are we, 12?  If a bride asked me to do that, I would say no.  I'm over 30 - if I don't sleep in my own bed, I am very cranky in the morning.

IMO, all guests should have a date (if they so choose), either their SO, or for single guests, a plus one.  Technically, etiquette does not dictate that plus ones be given to truly single guests.

I would never ask someone to be in my wedding party and not invite their SO/not give them a plus one if truly single/dictate whether or not they can travel at any point in the day with their SO/date. 

Really? I was considering doing this at my wedding. My parent's house is a lot closer to the town we're getting married in than any of their homes and I thought it would be nice for them to not have to get a hotel room for Friday night too. I certainly wouldn't require it, but it doesn't seem like the end of the world. When I was a bridesmaid this summer I would have preferred that option to the $460 I spent for two nights in a hotel, or the hour drive home late Friday night just to return early Saturday morning. 

The dates of the groomsmen sleeping over is weird though.

SP29

@Ashleyep it would be fine to offer your parents house (if they are offering) as an accommodation. You are right, that would be nice to have to option vs. spending additional money on a hotel. But it shouldn't be a requirement. Likewise, if it were me, and the WP accepted, sure we'd hang out the evening before, but I wouldn't plan any sleepover "events"- treat them the same as if you had guests staying from OOT for the weekend. 

Also, if you offer the night at your parent's house to a WP member who has a date, the offer should also be extended to the date (I would assume this case your parents have extra rooms and it wouldn't be everyone sleeping in the living with sleeping bags), and they can then accept or decline. 

PrettyGirlLost

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Wrangle?  They are adults, not kids or cattle.  If you tell adults to show up at X place at Y time they will, and if they do not then life goes on, your wedding goes on. If people are late to things and miss out on walking down the aisle with you, or being in a photo, you should be bummed out but that is no reason to try and force them to stay with you the night before the wedding and on your wedding day.  Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.  Random people?!  These are not random people, they are the SO's of your WP members and your WP are your nearest and dearest family and friends.  They should be treated with the utmost respect.  And WTF is there for your WP to be distracted from?  Basking in your bridal glory?  Look, your wedding day is the day you get married. . . it's not your coronation ceremony for when you are crowned Most Important Creature in the Universe.  People's dates are not going to distract them from smiling in your damn pictures.  After having to spend the night with you and all day leading up to the ceremony I think I'd need a distraction from "marital bliss" too. . .

M1ssJ

tmclawchick said:

 

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

Holy early wedding batman! Though I bet the lighting would be really nice in the morning, and there's a nice calmness to everything too...

It seems like your plan worked well for you, but if one of the groomsmen and the groom both wanted their dates to be able to linger while photos were being taken (seeing that they're driving from a far distance and would need to give their dates a ride to reception or otherwise plan for their dates to try to hitch a ride with someone else--awkward--) would you have refused? That's the situation we're dealing with here, and I'm at a loss...

The entire bridal party rode in the trolley we rented from the ceremony to the reception venue. I personally reached out to the SO that I didn't know and asked a known friend/family member/ trusted person in our circle to make sure they got to the reception ok, gave them numbers and they exchanged numbers themselves. It was 1 hour of separation. And since we're all still friends and hang out regularly I'm assuming this was not a crushing blow to them.

And yes wrangle. When you have 14 aunts/unlces on one side of the family and countless cousins, every photography second is precious. You have no idea if the SO will be understanding or not during the moments where  you need to snap a picture with the photog and they want to snap one on their Iphone, or get a quick kiss, or ask a question.

I understand everyone doesn't feel that way so you should do what works for you. Our wedding party was great , we are all still friends, and no one had separation anxiety from driving to the reception without their SO.

M1ssJ

PrettyGirlLost said:

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Wrangle?  They are adults, not kids or cattle.  If you tell adults to show up at X place at Y time they will, and if they do not then life goes on, your wedding goes on. If people are late to things and miss out on walking down the aisle with you, or being in a photo, you should be bummed out but that is no reason to try and force them to stay with you the night before the wedding and on your wedding day.  Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.  Random people?!  These are not random people, they are the SO's of your WP members and your WP are your nearest and dearest family and friends.  They should be treated with the utmost respect.  And WTF is there for your WP to be distracted from?  Basking in your bridal glory?  Look, your wedding day is the day you get married. . . it's not your coronation ceremony for when you are crowned Most Important Creature in the Universe.  People's dates are not going to distract them from smiling in your damn pictures.  After having to spend the night with you and all day leading up to the ceremony I think I'd need a distraction from "marital bliss" too. . .

Haha I love that clip

Dreamergirl8812

M1ssJ said:

tmclawchick said:

 

M1ssJ said:

I'll be the minority. My wedding was at 9:30 am with hair/makeup starting at 5am. I had the girls all stay at the condo and the gentlemen all stay at the hotel. We didn't have any lead up time before the wedding to be able to account for missing party members.

The day of , it was time consuming enough to wrangle party members and family members. Their dates went on to the cocktail hour and were joined by their SO at the reception. I agree with your friend, I wouldn't want random people who are going to distract the BP around either.

Holy early wedding batman! Though I bet the lighting would be really nice in the morning, and there's a nice calmness to everything too...

It seems like your plan worked well for you, but if one of the groomsmen and the groom both wanted their dates to be able to linger while photos were being taken (seeing that they're driving from a far distance and would need to give their dates a ride to reception or otherwise plan for their dates to try to hitch a ride with someone else--awkward--) would you have refused? That's the situation we're dealing with here, and I'm at a loss...

The entire bridal party rode in the trolley we rented from the ceremony to the reception venue. I personally reached out to the SO that I didn't know and asked a known friend/family member/ trusted person in our circle to make sure they got to the reception ok, gave them numbers and they exchanged numbers themselves. It was 1 hour of separation. And since we're all still friends and hang out regularly I'm assuming this was not a crushing blow to them.

And yes wrangle. When you have 14 aunts/unlces on one side of the family and countless cousins, every photography second is precious. You have no idea if the SO will be understanding or not during the moments where  you need to snap a picture with the photog and they want to snap one on their Iphone, or get a quick kiss, or ask a question.

I understand everyone doesn't feel that way so you should do what works for you. Our wedding party was great , we are all still friends, and no one had separation anxiety from driving to the reception without their SO.

1 hour of separation? Didn't you say that you required them to spend the night apart from their SOs? Did that time magically get lost.

Either your friends are idiots or you're a bridezilla.

M1ssJ

I'm sorry lets get super technical. Rehearsal dinner etc ended around 12:30 am so...

The 1am- 5am where we slept before hair and makeup = 4 hours of sleep

5am- 9:30am before the wedding = 4.5 hours

Ceremony for an hour= 1 hour

pictures = 1 hour

So I kept them apart for 4 sleeping hours  & 4.5 hours of prep time & 2 waking hours. 

The SOs probably slept in so I'm going to to steal back 3 hours of prep time.

HisGirlFriday13

M1ssJ said:

I'm sorry lets get super technical. Rehearsal dinner etc ended around 12:30 am so...

The 1am- 5am where we slept before hair and makeup = 4 hours of sleep

5am- 9:30am before the wedding = 4.5 hours

Ceremony for an hour= 1 hour

pictures = 1 hour

So I kept them apart for 4 sleeping hours  & 4.5 hours of prep time & 2 waking hours. 

The SOs probably slept in so I'm going to to steal back 3 hours of prep time.

Do you not understand that it's not the time per se -- whether it was 4.5 hours or 5 hours or 10 hours -- so much as it is your egregious behaviour in treating grown adults like children and demanding they sleep when and where you wanted them to? Because that's honestly the problem. It doesn't matter how LONG it was, it matters that you told grown-ass adults what to do and how to do it, rather than saying, "I need you at the salon at 5 a.m. for hair and make-up," which is what REASONABLE people do. 

I don't like sleeping apart from DH. I didn't like it before we were married, I don't like it now, and, quite frankly, any "friend" of mine who demanded that would be told, "I will be at the salon at 5 a.m, as you requested, and have a good night otherwise."

GrrArgh

I really had no idea sleep overs were this popular. I must be old: I want my own bed, a quiet house and possibly an ambien the night before my wedding. 

photokitty

Oh all the things i find annoying in this scenario the most egregious is keeping everyone up til 1am and making them get up before 5am. Seriously? I get 4 hours of sleep bc you are getting married?? Is this all some sick sorority hazing ritual?? You don't want to be around me on that little sleep, let alone in your pictures. Forget me being pleasant and lying about what a great time I'm having.

Ps sleeping til 8am on the weekend is not really sleeping in. Imho

MGP

M1ssJ said:

I'm sorry lets get super technical. Rehearsal dinner etc ended around 12:30 am so...

The 1am- 5am where we slept before hair and makeup = 4 hours of sleep

5am- 9:30am before the wedding = 4.5 hours

Ceremony for an hour= 1 hour

pictures = 1 hour

So I kept them apart for 4 sleeping hours  & 4.5 hours of prep time & 2 waking hours. 

The SOs probably slept in so I'm going to to steal back 3 hours of prep time.

So let me get this straight - you kept people up until 1:00 AM, had them spend the night away from their families, gave them 4 hours of sleep, then put them through 4.5 hours of prep time and kept them away from their dates for your precious pictures?  Wow.  Do you think they are children that can't wake themselves up and get ready?  If that's not treating your wedding party like props, I don't know what is.  I hope you paid for those 5:00 AM updos.  And breakfast.

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It doesn't matter how LONG it was, it matters that you told grown-ass adults what to do and how to do it, rather than saying, "I need you at the salon at 5 a.m. for hair and make-up," which is what REASONABLE people do.  Yes!  And taking it a step further a REASONABLE person that cares about their honored guests would just say "have a good night please be at the ceremony site at 9:00 AM.  I'm sure you will look gorgeous!"

WinstonsGirl

I've done 1 sleepover, for my SIL.  I was single at the time, so I didn't care.  We went from the RD to the venue, had a mini party in the room, breakfast room service and got ready.  Like I said, I didn't care, since I was single and she was paying.  Now, there's no way I'd spend a night away from DH for a wedding.  

At our wedding, my MOH asked to get ready with us.  Her DH was invited too, but declined instead to spend the day on the beach versus in our room.  I didn't blame him.  He also chose to stay at the cocktail hour rather than come watch photos.  We had tons of extra people running around while we did photos.  It didn't matter and didn't change the flow of photos.  

M1ssJ

photokitty said:

Oh all the things i find annoying in this scenario the most egregious is keeping everyone up til 1am and making them get up before 5am. Seriously? I get 4 hours of sleep bc you are getting married?? Is this all some sick sorority hazing ritual?? You don't want to be around me on that little sleep, let alone in your pictures. Forget me being pleasant and lying about what a great time I'm having. Ps sleeping til 8am on the weekend is not really sleeping in. Imho

We finished eating at 9pm, everyone chose to hang out until 1am. I don't count that as sleeping in either but I was comparing it to getting up at 5 for hair and makeup

photokitty

M1ssJ said:

photokitty said:

Oh all the things i find annoying in this scenario the most egregious is keeping everyone up til 1am and making them get up before 5am. Seriously? I get 4 hours of sleep bc you are getting married?? Is this all some sick sorority hazing ritual?? You don't want to be around me on that little sleep, let alone in your pictures. Forget me being pleasant and lying about what a great time I'm having.

Ps sleeping til 8am on the weekend is not really sleeping in. Imho

We finished eating at 9pm, everyone chose to hang out until 1am. I don't count that as sleeping in either but I was comparing it to getting up at 5 for hair and makeup
The thing is we'll never know if any of your bridesmaids CHOSE to stay up til 1am bc you MADE them sleepover with you so it's not like they could leave and go to bed.

Sorry, but you were completely unreasonable ~ it's ok we all have one you in our circle and if you're lucky (like my friend) we still love you - but know this - years later we're still lamenting behind your back about how awful you were on your "super special and most important, i'm the bestest bride forget the schmuck in the tux, everyone jump and look at me me me" day. So future brides, don't make the same mistake.

phira

@m1ssJ Again, the issue here is that there is ZERO reason to require anyone to stay the night with you the night before. Morning wedding and hair and make-up is starting at 5am? Don't care--they should have the option to sleep in their own beds. They were up hanging out with you till late? Doesn't matter--they don't have to stay the night if they don't want to.

kitty8403

I was actually thinking that renting a hotel suite and chilling with the girls I never get to hang with anymore would be fun. It beats being stuck alone someplace--do people really think it's appropriate to stay with their SOs the night before they marry now?

I know of one couple who rented separate houses and stayed with their own attendants the night before. FI was a groomsman, and I was allowed to stay at the guys' house. We had our own space someplace. I don't know if most of the bridesmaids had dates, but I would think they had the same option at the other house. I drove separately so I don't remember the rehearsal being an issue. Seems like a decent way to do this, albeit somewhat expensive.