Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Anyone else regret their bridesmaid descision?

I had my sister as my moh, and my little sister as jr bridesmaid, I had my husbands sister as a brdiesmaid (who I love) but then I also had my other sister in law (husbands brothers wife) because we were friends before I met my husband. Unfortunately towards the wedding we kinda stopped getting along; she got pregnant and stopped wanting to help out at all, (which I understand) but then she came to the wedding and was rude and had a bad attitude attitude all day, and I barely have talked to her since. I now wish I would have chosen my cousin over  her, and am not sure why I did. I guess I wanted to include her since she was part of the reason dh and I met. 
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Re: Anyone else regret their bridesmaid descision?

  • I regret not asking my sister in law to be in the wedding party.  I didn't ask her because we're not particularly close.  But on the wedding day, I could tell she was feeling pretty left out and maybe a little hurt, especially since her husband was the best man.  I certainly wouldn't have minded having her in the wedding party, but when I was choosing, I picked my closest and dearest friends.  I still feel sort of bad about it.

    I also regret this, but mostly because I think she wouldn't have been so negative at the bachelorette and wedding if she felt more included... not a good reason to ask someone but looking back I feel like it would have "kept the peace".
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  • ginter27 woah!! How many have been replaced.... and why?!!?
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    Blue_Bird
  • For my wedding, i regret everything about the wedding party (except my husband). My flower girl didnt show up (but was happily there for pictures), my bridesmaid i thought was a friend but we didnt talk after the wedding and the BM same thing. 

    This time, I love everyone we picked to stand beside us but i wish my Friend Of Honor would get on board with the dress situation! 
    Married 11/12/05 ~ Renewed Our Vows 11/9/13. 

    "The LORD will fight for you, you need only be still."


  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Nope, I loved all of them. I mean, I could have done without my sister being included, but whatever.

    Blue_Bird
  • I wish I hadn't asked so soon.  It was like immediately after I asked, a few of our lives went in different directions (people moved away, got boyfriends, had children) and we don't see each other very much at all.  It's like we just all grew apart and have different priorities and interests now.  I definitely would have made a different friend my maid of honor but I asked too soon and ended up having a girl who used to be my closest friend verses someone who is currently my closest friend. 
  • I wish I'd asked 2 more girls.  I kept it to 4 based on a stupid wedding planning book before I came here, and now I feel like it's too late to ask them.  I love the 4 I asked (although FIs sister and I aren't super close, but we really like each other and I know being a BM means a lot to her), I just wish I hadn't felt the need to have an "appropriate" WP size.
  • annathy03 said:
    I wish I'd asked 2 more girls.  I kept it to 4 based on a stupid wedding planning book before I came here, and now I feel like it's too late to ask them.  I love the 4 I asked (although FIs sister and I aren't super close, but we really like each other and I know being a BM means a lot to her), I just wish I hadn't felt the need to have an "appropriate" WP size.
    How much longer until your wedding? I know there are people who would probably say there is some sort of time limit to asking, but I don't think so (unless it's just a week before and too late to get a dress). When my sister got married she added one an extra brides maid very late into her planning because this girl did so much to help her and became a closer friend as it drew near. The girl wasn't insulted at being asked late but rather was thrilled that my sister was tryng to honor her in that way. I think people only get insulted being asked late if they are asked to fill in a spot to get a discount on dresses or because there is one extra grooms man.
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    Bubblegum5586
  • I am having the hardest time choosing my bridal party. My sister obviously and I am okay with that. My best friend was a for sure until we got engaged and shes now stopped talking to me or anything in over a month. I dont quite understand why but I never saw me getting married without her being around. And then i have 3 great cousins who I cant imagine choosing between. And I didnt want to have a huge bridal party. 3 ladies max. Ugh...
  • Our wedding isn't until August and I think we decided too soon. There have already been some life changes and I just don't know how it will end up being 9 months from now. Definitely should have waited... 
    KRD2014
  • Our wedding isn't until August and I think we decided too soon. There have already been some life changes and I just don't know how it will end up being 9 months from now. Definitely should have waited... 

    same boat here... i got engaged and immediately said to one of my fiance's and my better mutual friends "of course i would love you to be a bridesmaid!" in conversation following the engagement. as it turns out her BF is the best man, which is now possibly the only reason i'll keep her in the wedding party. we were becoming close friends but we have begun hanging out less and less, and we literally do not speak out side of times when we get together as couples or at events where the whole group of friends will be. i feel like we really don't know each other as well as i thought, certainly not well enough to expect her to know what i like or need during this hectic wedding planning phase. the other bridesmaids include my sister (MOH) who is out of state and is still helping in every possible way, by BFF who is trying her best to be pregnant around the time of my wedding, which is totally fine, and she is still helping in every way possible.... i have a private bridal party facebook group to keep all the girls including moms and other friends who are helping, in the loop on the planning, ideas, etc. this one who is local, is the last to see or comment, if at all, on all of that. she has no input other than she can not wear the dresses i have chosen for them to choose from because of her size. I am just worried that she does not really want to be in the wedding and does not know how to say she would rather pass. is there some way to bring this up and give her an out, without offending her if i'm way off base?? =/ sorry for the rant.... ;)
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  • I do have to say when I say yes to being a bridesmaid I feel I'm saying to yes helping with anything I can. I have been bridesmaid 9 times & MOH twice & I loved it with every wedding (some better then others). But I also think its how the bride handles everything. A Thank You goes a long way!! On the other note my BFF got married almost 2years ago & she has regrets for asking BMs out of obligation. So since I got engaged & started making real wedding plans she just keeps telling me "pick who you love & won't regret being in your pictures FOREVER". So I haven't officially picked my girls yet because I want to be sure my girls (& me) are happy now & after the wedding is over. I know I have high expections for them & if they cant or don't want to do it then I rather get a "No" then lose a friend.
    Jazzyliza
  • edited November 2013
    Same here... the thing is, my fiancé proposed when I was having my Christmas dinner with the girls, one of them was a friend in elementary school but we haven't seen each other in a while and we started talking recently, so when he asked, another friend (which was going to be a BM anyway) said "yaaay, we're gonna be BM!!!" and I know that's stupid but I felt like I had to invite the other girl to be part of my WP because she was there... so I did, I even made a "be my maid?" box  (you can see the details here) and everything and she said yes! so I was happy, everything was going according to plan, and suddenly she gets pregnant... I'm ok with that, I even told her "it's ok if you can't be a BM... I understand" and then she kept saying that she was going to be fine, that she wasn't going to be fat (which sincerely I do not care about), blah blah... and suddenly one day she says that she can't be a bridesmaid because she's feeling insulted on the way I talk about her pregnancy (I did say a joke or two, but they were jokes!  and in a joking context....), to me it sounded like an excuse, she made a HUGE drama about it... posting a lot of hateful things in fb and even blocked me! I seriously thought I had screwed it up with my "jokes" and later on I found out that her c-section is due feb 14th (my wedding is feb 15th)... so he came up with all of this just because she couldn't say the truth and that she wasn't going to be there... WHY?!?!?! I really don't get it!!! I definitely shouldn't have to ask her if I wasn't sure, I felt the pressure, I didn't want to offend her and now my WP is uneven... now I'm always giving the advice to new friends that are newly engaged "DO NOT RUSH when picking your BMs, take your time!"
  • I definitely shouldn't have to ask her if I wasn't sure, I felt the pressure, I didn't want to offend her and now my WP is uneven... now I'm always giving the advice to new friends that are newly engaged "DO NOT RUSH when picking your BMs, take your time!"
    wow that is an awful ordeal! sorry to hear of all the drama... but i was going to say, the wedding party being uneven is not really a big deal IMO. you could have 2 of the men walk with one BM in the recessional, if you're doing that, and you can get creative with the pics so that the uneven number on each side is not so apparent. :) i would much rather have uneven numbers than have girls who cause drama in my wedding ;).
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    MyVanillaTiara
  • I had one guideline for my BM picks: Is this a ONCE and FUTURE friend? More concisely, has she been a friend in the past, is she a friend in the present, and can you imagine being friends with her in 10+ years? If "yes" to all 3 questions then this friend is excellent Bridesmaid material!
    aja319
  • annathy03 said:
    I wish I'd asked 2 more girls.  I kept it to 4 based on a stupid wedding planning book before I came here, and now I feel like it's too late to ask them.  I love the 4 I asked (although FIs sister and I aren't super close, but we really like each other and I know being a BM means a lot to her), I just wish I hadn't felt the need to have an "appropriate" WP size.
    How much longer until your wedding? I know there are people who would probably say there is some sort of time limit to asking, but I don't think so (unless it's just a week before and too late to get a dress). When my sister got married she added one an extra brides maid very late into her planning because this girl did so much to help her and became a closer friend as it drew near. The girl wasn't insulted at being asked late but rather was thrilled that my sister was tryng to honor her in that way. I think people only get insulted being asked late if they are asked to fill in a spot to get a discount on dresses or because there is one extra grooms man.
    It's in April, just over 5 months away.  One I asked to be a reader which I think is a good fit for her since she is the best public speaker I know.  I haven't (officially) picked the dress, and the other girl was my roommate before I moved to FIs city and we've been close for years, so I worry it would feel like she is second tier, when in reality I should have asked her from the get-go.
  • We wanted a drama free, simple wedding party and I'm so glad we went with only two people.  It was so easy!  We picked two people who had always been in our lives and always would.
    MyVanillaTiaradinnerparty3
  • "ginter27 said:

    I've had to replace every bridesmaid except my MOH and I was ready to replace her. I wish I would have waited longer than 2 hrs after the proposal to pick my wedding party."

    Are you kidding me? What a terrible way to treat your friends. I'd love to know if you still have left after that behavior.
    Anniegunz said:
    Woah, kinda harsh, NYC Mercedes! I know that it isn't a requirement that the bridal party help with the wedding, but it is certainly expected that these people would care enough about you and your big day to help in any way they can. And I don't see that being pregnant is a valid excuse. If you don't feel up to the task there's always the option to bow out gracefully. I had both of my sisters in my wedding, both pregnant and one living in another state, and they were both more helpful than I could have asked for. I think that's the difference, you shouldn't ask people to help because you shouldn't have to ask. Yes, it is true that this day is totally your responsibility and you shouldn't expect that everyone else is going to do everything for you. But all of my BMs were a part of the wedding and helped us out of love. Although, I do agree that people shouldn't linger over past regrets. It's such a huge waste of time, especially since you can't do anything about it now! So forget the things you may or may not have changed about your wedding day and be happy about all the things you loved from it (the biggest one of which should be your new husband!).

    NYC was not harsh in the least. Your bridal party is meant to stand next to you in support of your marriage on your wedding day. They are not required to throw you parties and help plan your wedding. Yes, most will do those things, but some won't and they are not wrong or mean for it. Brides shouldn't have any expectations of their bridesmaids except for them getting the dress (that fits their budget) and showing up the day of. To regret picking someone because they didn't help enough (and god forbid pregnant) is pretty crappy.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    lc07
  • Ok, so I think NYCMercedes is definitely harsh, and here's why... I think your expectations for your bridesmaids should be pretty clear upon asking them... I do not have a lot of expectations for my bridesmaids, and we've had many discussions about bachelorette parties, and other fun stuff that goes along with being a bridesmaid. Nothing is mandatory for my girls, but I invited them all to different things for wedding planning. Knowing what you're expecting, and what they expect can take some of the trouble out of thing. That being said, I have a similar issue with my FI's best female friend who I added to my wedding party, she just doesn't really seem to be excited about anything except her own wedding, which I understand but I wish she could reciprocate the feelings I have for her wedding. 

    In the end, you're marrying your best friend and that's what really matters. 
    Llikotdesserd
  • Ok, so I think NYCMercedes is definitely harsh, and here's why... I think your expectations for your bridesmaids should be pretty clear upon asking them... I do not have a lot of expectations for my bridesmaids, and we've had many discussions about bachelorette parties, and other fun stuff that goes along with being a bridesmaid. Nothing is mandatory for my girls, but I invited them all to different things for wedding planning. Knowing what you're expecting, and what they expect can take some of the trouble out of thing. That being said, I have a similar issue with my FI's best female friend who I added to my wedding party, she just doesn't really seem to be excited about anything except her own wedding, which I understand but I wish she could reciprocate the feelings I have for her wedding. 

    In the end, you're marrying your best friend and that's what really matters. 

    You're missing the entire point. You should never expect anything from your bridesmaids. Period. So there should be no list of expectations or requirements upon asking. Because again, you shouldn't have any expectations of them.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    mellyD2014KittyKaty20lc07
  • Just wondering...if your bridesmaids are not there to help you, what exactly is the point of having them? Isn't that kind of what you sign up for when you accept to be someone's bridesmaid? I mean, some bridezillas go overboard expecting too much of the bridal party, but its kind of understood that bridesmaids help the bride out...
    ENiekerkmcgarci2sec988Knottie6394f6b22a913594
  • Miclan88 said:
    Just wondering...if your bridesmaids are not there to help you, what exactly is the point of having them? Isn't that kind of what you sign up for when you accept to be someone's bridesmaid? I mean, some bridezillas go overboard expecting too much of the bridal party, but its kind of understood that bridesmaids help the bride out...
    It's actually not understood that the bridesmaids "help the bride out", it is not their wedding and therefore not their responsibility. While some people like to encourage the belief of this myth, if you spend some time on these boards you will come to understand that the list of bridesmaid responsibilities consists of:
    • buying a dress (after the bride confirms their personal budget with them)
    • showing up on the day of the wedding at the right time and place

    That is it my friend. Of course if a BM offers to help (without any encouragement from the bride) then the bride can definitely take her up on her offer. 

    I have a genuine question, why is it that many of you want your BMs to help? My FI and I are having a blast planning everything, and I have a DOC who is handling all the set-up tear down. I don't need or want my BMs "helping" with my wedding, I do want them to be able to enjoy the event and not have to deal with anything leading up to the day. In fact, 3 of my BMs have offered to "help with anything" and honestly, I can't think of anything I'd like them to do! Instead I just invite them over/out for dinner/drinks and keep our friendship exactly the same with no influence from the wedding. 
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    meh0429
  • Sweetie, I have spent time on these boards, although I generally avoid it because too many posters think they are above everyone else and that they are the be all and end all of the rules of "etiquette". No one ever has constructive advice, it's always catty talking down to others. I'm not sure what kind of "friends" you have, but if you are under the impression that friends are not supposed to help each other out, it might be time to look for new ones.

    As for why people want their bridesmaids to help, I live across the country from where I got married and only got to come home 3 times before my wedding. It was nice to have them help me make my centerpieces and put together my hotel bags. Plus, they wanted to help, like a good bridesmaid should.

    kefryarsec988
  • Same here... the thing is, my fiancé proposed when I was having my Christmas dinner with the girls, one of them was a friend in elementary school but we haven't seen each other in a while and we started talking recently, so when he asked, another friend (which was going to be a BM anyway) said "yaaay, we're gonna be BM!!!" and I know that's stupid but I felt like I had to invite the other girl to be part of my WP because she was there... so I did, I even made a "be my maid?" box  (you can see the details here) and everything and she said yes! so I was happy, everything was going according to plan, and suddenly she gets pregnant... I'm ok with that, I even told her "it's ok if you can't be a BM... I understand" and then she kept saying that she was going to be fine, that she wasn't going to be fat (which sincerely I do not care about), blah blah... and suddenly one day she says that she can't be a bridesmaid because she's feeling insulted on the way I talk about her pregnancy (I did say a joke or two, but they were jokes!  and in a joking context....), to me it sounded like an excuse, she made a HUGE drama about it... posting a lot of hateful things in fb and even blocked me! I seriously thought I had screwed it up with my "jokes" and later on I found out that her c-section is due feb 14th (my wedding is feb 15th)... so he came up with all of this just because she couldn't say the truth and that she wasn't going to be there... WHY?!?!?! I really don't get it!!! I definitely shouldn't have to ask her if I wasn't sure, I felt the pressure, I didn't want to offend her and now my WP is uneven... now I'm always giving the advice to new friends that are newly engaged "DO NOT RUSH when picking your BMs, take your time!"
    What kind of jokes?  Just because you think they were jokes doesn't mean she does.  Also, even though her c-section ended up being scheduled for the day before your wedding doesn't mean that it was scheduled at the time she dropped out of the wedding.  She may have scheduled knowing that she was no longer busy that weekend.  
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    My bridesmaids won't help with anything like physical labor either because I don't need them to. But, these are the three women closest to me. I've solicited their ideas and opinions. Most importantly, they'll be with me the day of before I walk down the aisle. As a bridesmaid, I'm often the one cracking jokes and doing silly dance moves so the bride laughs and stops looking like she's going to pass out. Moral support is invaluable, not because any bride is doubting her relationship but because of the sheer enormity of what's about to take place. That, in my opinion, is what your friends/bridesmaids are for, not to be your prop and/or your slave. (That being said, as a 'maid, I always offer help and sometimes a bride takes me up on the offer. I've helped put together invitations and pack for a honeymoon, for example.)
    ________________________________


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