Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Anyone else regret their bridesmaid descision?

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Re: Anyone else regret their bridesmaid descision?

  • Miclan88 said:

    Sweetie, I have spent time on these boards, although I generally avoid it because too many posters think they are above everyone else and that they are the be all and end all of the rules of "etiquette". No one ever has constructive advice, it's always catty talking down to others. I'm not sure what kind of "friends" you have, but if you are under the impression that friends are not supposed to help each other out, it might be time to look for new ones.

    As for why people want their bridesmaids to help, I live across the country from where I got married and only got to come home 3 times before my wedding. It was nice to have them help me make my centerpieces and put together my hotel bags. Plus, they wanted to help, like a good bridesmaid should.

    Might I ask to whom you are responding to? The OP or someone else?
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  • Miclan88 said:

    Sweetie, I have spent time on these boards, although I generally avoid it because too many posters think they are above everyone else and that they are the be all and end all of the rules of "etiquette". No one ever has constructive advice, it's always catty talking down to others. I'm not sure what kind of "friends" you have, but if you are under the impression that friends are not supposed to help each other out, it might be time to look for new ones.

    As for why people want their bridesmaids to help, I live across the country from where I got married and only got to come home 3 times before my wedding. It was nice to have them help me make my centerpieces and put together my hotel bags. Plus, they wanted to help, like a good bridesmaid should.

    Is this for real?  Being a good person is doing good for others without expecting anything in return.  Sounds like you expect a hell of a lot from other people, so I'd say you aren't a good friend.  

    My MOH did go venue shopping with us and went dress shopping with me.  He was always there to listen to my problems with my in laws concerning the wedding and was great friend.  He also lives in FL and I live in NH, so if he hadn't been available to do squat, I would have been fine with that.  In fact, if he was my next door neighbor, I still wouldn't have expected him to do squat.  I planned my wedding with my FI without expecting anything from anyone because it was OUR WEDDING and OUR RESPONSIBILITY.  

    Do your friends come over to help you bake your husband's birthday cake?  They might if they aren't busy with their own lives, but nobody expects them to because there are no articles out on the internet that say that your friends must help you plan your husband's birthday party.  

    Your WP members are those people who are special enough in your life that you want them to stand next to you during a very important part of your life.  That does not mean they have to help you put together centerpieces.  They are also GUESTS and should be treated like other guests.  They should enjoy their time at your wedding and simply show up to your wedding like any other guest.  They didn't choose to have your wedding, you did, so you are responsible for it, no one else.
    Rebl90Blue_Birdthejucheidea
  • Can someone give me an example of things they need the bridesmaids to "help" with?  Besides picking out the dress, I haven't "needed" them to do anything and I can't imagine what else I would need them to help me with.  Do people ask the bridesmaids to make calls to set up appointments with vendors?  Keep track of the RSVPs?  Handle the budget?  Address the invitations?  That all seems ridiculous.  I just can't imagine having anyone other than me and my fiance doing all the actual stuff that goes into the wedding.  I see lots of threads here where someone is bitching that a bridesmaid "isn't helping" and I am wondering what exactly that means. 
  • jneen101 said:
    Can someone give me an example of things they need the bridesmaids to "help" with?  Besides picking out the dress, I haven't "needed" them to do anything and I can't imagine what else I would need them to help me with.  Do people ask the bridesmaids to make calls to set up appointments with vendors?  Keep track of the RSVPs?  Handle the budget?  Address the invitations?  That all seems ridiculous.  I just can't imagine having anyone other than me and my fiance doing all the actual stuff that goes into the wedding.  I see lots of threads here where someone is bitching that a bridesmaid "isn't helping" and I am wondering what exactly that means. 
    People assume the word 'bridesmaid' is synonymous with 'bridal slave.' It seems a lot of bridezillas ask their bridesmaids to take care of all kinds of things. They treat them as if they are at the bride's beck and call and she is the queen running the show.

    I once saw a bride on the Bridezillas TV show make her bridesmaids paint the grass where it wasn't green at her venue...in-freaking-sane!

    The most I've asked my bridesmaids for? An opinion and whether or not they want to join me while shopping for a gown. Not a requirement whatsoever. People are BSC who ask their bridesmaids to handle planning, random requests, and any other BSC ideas the bride has.



    AshleyNicole1218
  • The whole "point" of having bridesmaids is choosing close friends/family that you would like to honor on your wedding day. They are not hired help. I come from an area where it's expected that your BM is your slave; totally ridiculous. You are supposed to honor them by asking that they literally stand beside you on your wedding day. Now obviously many (most?) BMs would love to help out when and where they can. If any of my friends/family ask me to be a BM in their wedding, I would be thrilled that they want me there in that special position and try to help out wherever I could. But if I couldn't, I expect that they would not think less of me, be upset with me, or otherwise make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think that's the point that everyone is trying to make.
    Rebl90lc07
  • mattycammattycam
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    member
    edited December 2013
    I would have liked to add more people...but then the number of people in the bridal party would be ridiculous!
  • My only regret is that I ONLY had my sister. I have a group of solid childhood friends that were more helpful and supportive than I could have ever imagined. In the end, I felt terrible none of them stood up with me as they were my biggest cheerleaders and supporters throughout the entire planning. My husband didn't want a bridal party at all, so our compromise was having a MOH/Best man and that was it..

    I think my friends understood but I still ended up feeling terrible
  • Here's my two cents:

    1. The origins of a bridesmaid go way back-they were dressed to look like the bride to confuse the evil spirits. Then they were there to preserve her innocence, lay out the white sheet in the bedchamber, and help her get undressed. Unless you have a deep fear of evil spirits, or a need for some historically accurate medieval ritual, then, sorry-the Bridesmaid(s) just have to wear a dress and show up the day of.

    2. That being said, there are plenty of good friends who would never dream of NOT helping-or at least offering to help-the bride who (we hope) is also a good friend. If you don't know your friends well enough to know how they behave in a situation where help is warranted/needed-AND you expect that your BMs would be those people-then you shouldn't ask them to be in your BP.

    I knew I would ask my twin BFFs to be in my BP, and my BFF Erin, as well. I was in both twins' WParties, and after 30 years of continual and evolving friendship, I knew exactly how they would act as my BMs. Erin's friendship is younger-about 10 years, but that's still long enough to kowhow she acts as an adult.   

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  • maybebabytxmaybebabytx
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited March 2014
    There is a difference between BMs "not helping" and being rude on the wedding day, which OP said. If a bm doesn't want to share in the joy and happiness of the bride during planning and day of then she should say "no thank you" when asked to be a bm. The very least duty of a bm is to share in that joy and happiness, but I personally also think it includes helping the bride out throughout the wedding. That's always how I have been as a bm and how my BMs are. Not because they "have to" but because they are your friends/sisters/future sister/etc and they are happy and honored to. Edited for autocorrect. Stinking autocorrect
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Miclan88 said:
    Just wondering...if your bridesmaids are not there to help you, what exactly is the point of having them? Isn't that kind of what you sign up for when you accept to be someone's bridesmaid? I mean, some bridezillas go overboard expecting too much of the bridal party, but its kind of understood that bridesmaids help the bride out...
    The point is to honor your dearest friends by asking them to take part in your ceremony and stand beside you while you say your vows. At the reception, they become honored guests.
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Did it ever occur to anyone that every pregnancy is different? Just because one pregnant friend was "just fine" doesn't mean this bridesmaid wasn't puking every other day and dealing with raging hormones and headaches the other days. It's a bit hard to drum up excitement and happiness when you feel hounded and judged for not helping enough.

    There are two sides to every story.

    ashley8918

  • Did it ever occur to anyone that every pregnancy is different? Just because one pregnant friend was "just fine" doesn't mean this bridesmaid wasn't puking every other day and dealing with raging hormones and headaches the other days. It's a bit hard to drum up excitement and happiness when you feel hounded and judged for not helping enough.

    There are two sides to every story.
    Yup! I know some people whose bodies pretty much were fighting pregnancy the whole time they were pregnant. It was basically sucking all the energy out of them just to keep themselves well enough that the baby would be okay. It was like their body just could not handle it and it was really really hard on them to have a baby at all.
    Other people sail through it all.

  • I loved most of my bridesmaids, but I regret asking one of my cousins to be a bridesmaid. She was super demanding and bratty... wanted me to pay for everything including her hair and makeup and thought I should treat them all to a "spa day".... uh can you say ka-CHING?

    She also wanted a bachelorette party until I told her that those are thrown by bridesmaids....not the bride. She shut up then. The day was beautiful, and she was on her best behavior. Though she did tear my dress when she was klutzing on the dancefloor and I'm still pretty mad about it. It was not noticeable, though. I guess it's okay. The seamstress fixed it when she dry-cleaned it. No harm done. It was in the seam.
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3h1kr8sYk1qzve89.gif
  • I certainly understand why people pick quickly - you're excited about it and have always pictured certain folks being there with you. Realistically it's probably good to wait a month or two to see who is excited for you and who is maybe going through a difficult time (financially or emotionally) such that being in a WP is not a great idea. Ladies who are frequently jealous or who you have been competitive with in the past are always going to be poor choices. Ladies who are routinely generous with their time and kindness are good choices. 

    No one in your WP is your hired help, and you shouldn't treat them like that, but I think we've all witnessed incidents where a bridesmaid is either not in a position to be in that role or is just not well suited to it. 
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