Not a happy time :(

MrsMorrisonToBe

Dear FI and I are getting married next summer. I know men don't get too involved with the planning process, but how many of you ladies have experienced as time goes on, your FI not taking an interest in contributing financially with you. This has been a big worry as it feels like he doesn't have much interest and I don't feel like I know where his interest totally is. He does not wish to do an engagement photo, he does not wish to book any holiday time for a potential honeymoon. I am wondering why he even asked me to marry him at all It is also his birthday on Tuesday. He has chosen not to spend his birthday with me, but to do something else that could have been planned for another day as he is off on Monday as well. Pretty upset about that and alot of things right now

artbyallie

Have you talked to him about any of this? What does he say? Maybe you should put at least a temporary stop on planning a wedding until you are both on the same page.

JoanE2012

artbyallie said:

Have you talked to him about any of this? What does he say? Maybe you should put at least a temporary stop on planning a wedding until you are both on the same page.

Agree.  I think you need to have a talk with your FI.  Why is he not contributing financially?  Is money the reason he doesn't want to have engagement photos or book time for honeymoon?  Money is one of the main reasons for divorce.  If you don't have money issues worked out before the marriage, getting married isn't going to make them any easier.  You need to work this out now.  You'll be glad you did.

msdds51

I feel like you posted a very similar concern in another discussion.  If this problem is getting worse, you need to cut your losses.  Have you talked to him straight out about your concerns and come up with a plan to make them better, yet?

GaesserMartz

Have you two sat down and talked about how you are going to be handling your finances? Marriage is a partnership in all regards. Do you both bring home an income? Does one earn more than the other? How will you split living expenses? Rent/mortgage? Utilities? Groceries? Household items (t.p., laundry detergent, etc.) 50/50%, equal % of each income? What about expenses that occur w children? How do you handle personal spending cash? (clothes, dates, that special - really expensive but totally worth it to you item you treat yourself to now an then) Is one of you a saver (socking all spare cash away for a rainy day or retirement) and the other is s spender (splurging on that dream vacation or fancy restaurant)? Are you each OK w the other's spending habits? How will the two of you handle it if one of you looses a job or gets really sick and can't work? You NEED to discuss these money topics in DEPTH!! It may seem like "boring" conversations - but this time talking in an INVESTMENT in your FUTURE together! If these issues are coming up during the wedding planning, what will they be like in the marriage? (You won't be planning a wedding then, but financial choices are a part of our adult lives FOR-EVER!!!) Best of luck to you!

thejucheidea

Our finances were combined for almost two years prior to the wedding, so no, I didn't have this issue. I'm the finance bitch in the house anyway -- he runs everything by me for approval if it's something he wants to do out of our joint account instead of his personal.

Also, my husband didn't do anything in prep for the wedding. I couldn't even get him to read our ceremony prior to the ceremony. Some (many?) dudes just don't give a good goddamn about wedding stuff. We're still married though, and our wedding was amazing.

dharmabunny

FFS, talk to the boy.

It's hard to say whether this is just trying to stop the cash flow bleeding (and doesn't really get excited about the extra wedding junk) or if its other stressors or an attempt to disconnect overall.

It's only speculation until you confirm it with the source.

ReturnOfKuus

I would reconsider marrying him if I were you.

casey8784

Also, my husband didn't do anything in prep for the wedding. I couldn't even get him to read our ceremony prior to the ceremony. Some (many?) dudes just don't give a good goddamn about wedding stuff. We're still married though, and our wedding was amazing.

My fiance at times doesn't seem interested at all in the wedding, but it's really that the wedding is so far in the future it's not really "real" to him yet. And, when his older sister got married years ago, there was a lot of drama with her now-husband's family, so my FI doesn't want to deal with any of that, so he's letting me do all the stuff (not that there IS any drama...and I still run all my decisions by him before finalizing it anyways...) We're not doing engagement photos - we think it's a waste of money, and the wedding pictures are what we're going to be treasuring more in the years to come. Talk to your guy, and find out the "why" before letting it get to you more.

[Deleted User]

amaryann210

katejahnke said:

woah woah woah - not trying to be rude towards the other responders here but I don't think telling this poor girl to reconsider her engagement is the right advice.  I mean, he DID initially ask her to marry him and made the commitment, right?  Go with the other responses about TALKING to him - girlfriend I don't know you or your relationship but if you cannot talk to him about this, what are you planning to do when the going really gets tough??  You need to sit him down and have a planned out conversation with him.  Guys are a different breed.  Sometimes they really do not understand what they do or say really upsets women.  Again, don't know your fiance, but I'm sure he probably has a reason for the crazy actions (no engagement photos, no honeymoon etc) - they may be completely ridiculous and irrational, but I am 99% sure he has some sort of a reason for it.  So you need to get him to explain that reasoning, and figure out a way to come to a compromise.  This probably sounds old fashioned but maybe he doesn't want to contribute financially because he holds the belief that the bride or bride's family traditionally pay for the wedding?  And honestly, do you REALLY even want your fiance to help you plan?  My fiance is not really helping plan and I am 100% okay with that.  I ask his opinion on the big things like color, cake, location etc but would never expect or WANT him to help plan.  He is a guy - they don't plan out what they are going to do this weekend until Saturday morning let alone a huge event months and months away! My advice? Map out a plan of what you want to say and accomplish with your conversation.  Stick to that.  Get to the bottom of WHY he doesn't want to do those things.  Come up with a compromise.  Try not to accuse him of doing things "You NEVER want to help plan" - instead use "I" Statements - "I feel hurt when you don't want to plan because I fear you are not interested in our wedding."  I bet you will get a better response that way than the accusing way.  Good luck!

I beg to differ.  Some men are all about having a say in what goes on at their wedding.  It's not just about the bride (contrary to the notion of "It's my day!!").  My FI has had an equal role in planning and that's the way we both wanted it.  Did we split each task 50/50?  No.  I had more say in the centerpieces and he had more say on the music.  Regardless, this is OUR day.  And there are lots of guys out there who are planners.  I'm very happy to be marrying one. 

[Deleted User]

msdds51

katejahnke

Ordinarily, I would agree with you (except on the you being ok with your FI not doing anything part) but if this is not an issue that's getting better in their relationship she needs to do something to change that.

 

OP, I do agree that you need to talk to him, like I said before, but you also need to be realistic that this is a problem that will follow you through marriage if you do marry him without it getting resolved.