• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...

2

Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...

  • I wasn't directing it towards you in general, Its all the girls that are super rude to girls that just need some advice or to vent.  I can't even write on my own forum now because these girls are totally taking things i said out of context and keep talking about what I said. So when i see its happening to someone else I'm going to say something.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:aaac3f89-b00e-4a09-bab5-71ae4ebdfcb2">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks again to the not-so-harsh ladies, greatly appreciated! I am super close to all of my bridesmaids, 2 of them being cousins/best friends since babies, one of them being my sister and the other being another close friend; the 4 of us are tight-knit. We also all live within 10 minutes of each other so there was no flying across the country to try and make it. <strong>We did tell everyone that we preferred a Jack and Jill because we had just built/moved into our house in March 2010 (wedding was in July 2010) and we actually didn't want or need any gifts</strong>. It just sucked that one of my bridesmaids (the one that's always a good time) asked me what I wanted to do for my bachelorette party and all I asked was to not just go out to a bar since I don't really drink. So the bachelorette party planner just ditched out on the planning and didn't even go out with us when we all went out = bummer.
    Posted by jessle830[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I hope this doesn't come across as rude because that's certainly not my intention. BUT, maybe your bridesmaids got insulted by this? Like, you took over planning of your shower and didn't give them a chance to do so? Maybe that really put them off to the rest of the wedding? I obviously don't know you or your bridesmaids personally, but from an outsiders point of view that's all I can think of. </div><div>
    </div><div>If I was a bridesmaids in someone's wedding and they just "told" me what they wanted and assumed things before giving me a chance to plan something I would be sort of put off. </div><div>
    </div><div>And again, maybe I have this totally wrong and it wasn't like this at all, but from what I gather if it was a similar sort of situation that could be a reason why they weren't so accommodating with the rest of the wedding things?</div><div>
    </div><div>Bottom line, it sucks to be disappointed, but at this point, now that all is said and done, you can choose to hold a grudge and shed some friends, or just try to move on and contiune the friendship. </div>

  • I agree with phunluvin82; you came here to vent and that's perfectly fine. BMs also represent something bigger in your case: lifelong friends! It's not too much to ask that they give up an afternoon or evening to celebrate with you. And, if people can't celebrate THIS with a friend, then what will they celebrate? If they can't be happy for this joyous occassion, then when will they ever be there for you? Friendship is a two way street and it sounds like you were reasonable with your BMs. 

    I just posted in Wedding Party about my Entire bridal wedding party bailing out, so I can relate. 
    "May as well live it up cos you won't live it down!" Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I've seen this a hundred time on these boards. "All the bridesmaids have to do is put on a dress and show up." Wrong. You have every right to expect that your bridesmaids will act like your friends.

    What being someone's friend means differs from person to person, but I'm pretty sure that it includes these things:
    1) When you throw a party for someone (say, a Jack & Jill), you should actually throw that party and not afterwards ask for a fee. If you do not have the money to throw said party, you should say so beforehand.
    2) When you throw a party for someone (say, a bachelorette party) and ask the honoree whether she has any preferences, if at all possible you should try to avoid that one single thing that she said that she prefers not to do (say, a pub crawl).
    3) When you throw a party for someone (such as abovementioned bachelorette party), you should pay. If you cannot pay for that individual's drinks, you might want to mention that you can't host the party.
    4) When you promise someone that you'll show up to help with someone, it is always proper form to actually do so. If you cannot make it, please call. Please be aware that it is especially rude to bail on someone for no good reason when they need your help on a Very Important Day.
    5) If you have asked someone to be your bridesmaid in the past and that individual put in a lot of time and effort, that likely means that your friendship means a lot to that person. When that individual asks you to be a MOH or BM, while you are not required to do the same things, please be aware that not treating her wedding as the important event that she considered yours may result in hurt feelings.
  • Oh FFS, not "doing" as much for your wedding as you did for theirs or not spending as much money as you did for theirs does NOT equate to not caring.

    Some women just don't have that much time OR money. It doesn't make them bad friends. It does, however, make YOU a bad friend for judging their money and time situations.


    I fully understand being disappointed that there was apparently issues with communication and follow-through with your BM's. But that's about where the understanding ends.

    peanut - no one is posting anything in your thread that you didn't already write/admit to... you trying to back track and then whine about the girls who are telling you how ridiculous you are being just makes you look MORE ridiculous. You're mad at your MOH for "not being there for you", yet she showed up in the correct dress and stood by your side for the ceremony and YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE she was outside for part of your reception. GET OVER IT and enjoy your new life as a wife.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:e4f8c619-b992-40d4-be47-190a1c7e39e6">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh FFS, n<strong>ot "doing" as much for your wedding as you did for theirs or not spending as much money as you did for theirs does NOT equate to not caring.</strong> Some women just don't have that much time OR money. It doesn't make them bad friends. It does, however, make YOU a bad friend for judging their money and time situations. <strong>I fully understand being disappointed that there was apparently issues with communication and follow-through with your BM's. But that's about where the understanding ends.</strong> peanut - no one is posting anything in your thread that you didn't already write/admit to... you trying to back track and then whine about the girls who are telling you how ridiculous you are being just makes you look MORE ridiculous. You're mad at your MOH for "not being there for you", yet she showed up in the correct dress and stood by your side for the ceremony and YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE she was outside for part of your reception. GET OVER IT and enjoy your new life as a wife.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    And yet saying that you're hosting something and then demanding that the honoree pay--on two occasions--makes one both rude and a bad friend. Unless I'm missing something about OP demanding these parties, it seems more like they were thrown for her and she offered reasonable preferences (which is perfectly fine). We may not be getting the entire story, which often happens around here, but from what I'm reading the bridesmaids did not act like good friends. Yes, as you mentioned, and as I even mentioned, you are not required to spend the same amount of money on the bride that she did for you. OP never said or insinuated that either. However, if you don't act like you care about a person (say, by demanding to be paid back for her shower, or by doing the one specific thing she asked not to for her bachelorette and begrudgingly getting something to eat at a dive, or by not even bothering to show up for extras for which you <em>said you had the time</em>), it may hurt that person by making her feel like her friendship isn't reciprocated.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:ab3017a3-2eaa-4df3-96bd-a86106306972">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]"True friends make an effort to celebrate milestones in one another's lives, and that doesn't mean spending money. It means taking a few minutes out of your day to write down something meaningful. I am sorry that you friends passed you over like this." I fail to see how spending the time to travel and be at the wedding, having a shower (Jack & Jill or not), having a bachelorette party, AND buying a dress/shoes (which, BTW, OP if you required specific shoes,  YOU should have paid for them, regardless of price) is not making an effort to celebrate milestones... ... it sounds like your BM's did exactly what they should have done and then some. And for the record, my best friend/MOH likely will not be here for a shower or a bachelorette party because she's in school almost 10 hours away from me. And I won't love her any less for it - she's my MOH because she's my best friend, not because I think she'll get me great gifts or throw me a great party. Likewise, another BM lives 8+ hours away at Vet School, and will likely miss any pre-party events that may or may not be planned (I'm not expecting a shower or bachelorette). Being that both girls are in college, I also don't expect gifts - because you know what? They have lives and their own bills to pay for, and traveling for a wedding/being in a wedding party can get expensive. One of my BM's is flying in from freaking CANADA for my wedding, so no, I don't expect her to be at any pre-party events either... or to get me a gift. Once again, I don't love them any less - <strong>they'll still be at my side for my wedding, which is the only thing that matters to me in asking them to be BM's</strong>. Man, you know it was a full moon when all of the bridezillas come out of the woodwork like this. Makes me sad.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    interesting....I saw you post on another girls post earlier....she was upset because 2 or 3 of her BM's backed out of being in the wedding at the last minute (and did it in a very rude way also) and you told her to suck it up (not in so many words, but basically that's what you told her) so you're a hypocrite! And honestly I think it is very rude of you to call us "bridezillas" just because we have certain expectations (that are NOT outside the norm btw) of our BM's. Yes, that's right, I said EXPECTATIONS, because if you don't have expectations of your BM's then how are they different from any other guest at the wedding? Yes you are honoring them as a part of your wedding, but isn't that the whole reason for having them? By name, they are the BRIDES maid, that is in NO WAY saying they are your slave or b!tch, but just one of your closest friends that you can truly count on.  My MOH and BM's have been absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful that they have been so supportive! Let's be honest here, who really DOESN't want a shower or bachelorette party?? That's great that you have wonderful best friends, but you cannot honestly tell me that you are not the least bit upset that your BEST friends can't spare ONE night to take you out for a drink in your last nights of being a single girl?! And yes I understand that everyone else has lives of their own, but is it really that much to ask for your supposed best friends to make ONE day about you and your FI?! No, it's not....and really you shouldn't even have to ask.  Its very sad that people like you are making girls like the OP feel guilty about feeling sad with the lack of support and excitement from her friends. And I swear if one more of you crazy knotties say that you shouldn't need support from your BM's during wedding planning, I might scream! Of course we all go to our soon-to-be husbands for support, but there is nothing that can replace a best girlfriend and sometimes guys just don't understand.

    OP- I feel really bad that this happened to you! I really wish your friends had stepped up a little more and given you the love and excitement YOU DESERVE from them on your wedding day! But hey, at least you have an amazing husband right? :)
  • edited May 2011
    Ditto to what Sunny said - Catty 1st time brides.  Get over yourself and what you consider good/bad behavior or what YOU think is appropriate.  Do you know this poster personally?  I'm guessing not.  Who are YOU to judge.  So, this bride wanted to vent and maybe - just maybe get a "We understand how you feel."  But NO - most of you had to jump down her throat.   Wonder how the Jumpers would feel or how they would react if they were the same shoes?  As catty as they are here - I can only imagine.  Give this bride a break and don't be so quick to judge.  Get over yourself!
    Created by Wedding Favors
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:22168b49-c7f1-4b08-b89f-1e9783ab1035">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : interesting....I saw you post on another girls post earlier....she was upset because 2 or 3 of her BM's backed out of being in the wedding at the last minute (and did it in a very rude way also) and you told her to suck it up (not in so many words, but basically that's what you told her) so you're a hypocrite! And honestly I think it is very rude of you to call us "bridezillas" just because we have certain expectations (that are NOT outside the norm btw) of our BM's. Yes, that's right, I said EXPECTATIONS, because if you don't have expectations of your BM's then how are they different from any other guest at the wedding? Yes you are honoring them as a part of your wedding, but isn't that the whole reason for having them? By name, they are the BRIDES maid, that is in NO WAY saying they are your slave or b!tch, but just one of your closest friends that you can truly count on.  My MOH and BM's have been absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful that they have been so supportive!<strong> Let's be honest here, who really DOESN't want a shower or bachelorette party??</strong> That's great that you have wonderful best friends, <strong>but you cannot honestly tell me that you are not the least bit upset that your BEST friends can't spare ONE night to take you out for a drink in your last nights of being a single girl?!</strong> And yes I understand that everyone else has lives of their own,<strong> but is it really that much to ask for your supposed best friends to make ONE day about you and your FI?!</strong> No, it's not....and really you shouldn't even have to ask.  Its very sad that people like you are making girls like the OP feel guilty about feeling sad with the lack of support and excitement from her friends.<strong> And I swear if one more of you crazy knotties say that you shouldn't need support from your BM's during wedding planning, I might scream</strong>! Of course we all go to our soon-to-be husbands for support, but there is nothing that can replace a best girlfriend and sometimes guys just don't understand. OP- I feel really bad that this happened to you! I really wish your friends had stepped up a little more and given you the love and excitement YOU DESERVE from them on your wedding day! But hey, at least you have an amazing husband right? :)
    Posted by jeng5077[/QUOTE]

    1) I don't particularly like being the center of attention OR showered with gifts, so I am 100% okay with not having a shower or bachelorette party.

    2) I can HONESTLY tell you that I am not the least bit upset that my best friends are not able to take me out for a bachelorette party. School, work, and their personal lives come before a night of drinking before my wedding - and I'm okay with that.

    3) Your best friends ARE giving you and your FI "one day"... it's called your WEDDING DAY.

    4) Be prepared to scream - wedding planning shouldn't be some huge stressful traumatic situation where you need "support". You're planning a party. That's it. Albeit, a generally very expensive and big one, but a party none the less. "Support" is for when a family member dies, you receive a diagnosis of cancer, or some other life-altering tragedy. If planning a wedding is OMG-SO-STRESSFUL that you need "support", you're doing it wrong and should probably just JOP it and be done.
  • I personally think that if you can't afford to attend all the pre wedding festivites or to purchase the dress and accessories of the brides choosing or you don't have the time to support the couple planning the wedding, you should decline when asked to be in the wedding party. If you can't give 100% to the couple and be there for them, whether it be attending a shower or bachelorette party or tying hundreds of tiny bows on favors, you should be honest with the bride or groom and just tell them that you can't afford or don't have the time to be a part of the wedding party. You can still be a good friend and attend the wedding and the bride and groom will be able to fill their bridal party with people who do care, who will give their all to the couple who is 100 times more stressed out and busy and broke than anyone who is just attending the wedding should be. Friends who accept the invitation to be a part of the wedding party should be willing and able to do anything you ask of them when planning your big day. Our Best Man is the perfect example of this. If we contact him regarding something that needs to be done for the wedding, he doesn't even ask what it is. He just replies with, "Yep! I'll be there." He's truly devoted to his role and is willing to do anything that is asked of him.

    OP - I think you have every right to feel upset about this. I personally would talk to my friends about this, so that you don't go on forever resenting them. If you don't say anything, it will probably put far more stress on your relationships than if you were to sit down calmly and have a heart to heart. True friends don't want to hurt each other's feelings and will typically apologize if they realize that they have in the past.
    Knottie1428389114
  • jeng507jeng507 member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:7a14dca9-0370-4b53-8d9d-887ecc90c6aa">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : 1) I don't particularly like being the center of attention OR showered with gifts, so I am 100% okay with not having a shower or bachelorette party. 2) I can HONESTLY tell you that I am not the least bit upset that my best friends are not able to take me out for a bachelorette party. School, work, and their personal lives come before a night of drinking before my wedding - and I'm okay with that. 3) Your best friends ARE giving you and your FI "one day"... it's called your WEDDING DAY. 4) Be prepared to scream - <strong>wedding planning shouldn't be some huge stressful traumatic situation where you need "support</strong>". You're planning a party. That's it. Albeit, a generally very expensive and big one, but a party none the less. "<strong>Support" is for when a family member dies, you receive a diagnosis of cancer, or some other life-altering tragedy</strong>. If planning a wedding is OMG-SO-STRESSFUL that you need "support", you're doing it wrong and should probably just JOP it and be done.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    No one ever said it is "traumatic". I personally am having an absolute BLAST planning my wedding with my FI, family, and BM's (I'm not gonna know what to do with myself once it's over:)....with that said, that does not mean that I do not get stressed out from time to time.  Planning and paying for an elegant dinner party for a large group of people IS stressful and all you girls who say "you're doing it wrong if you're stressed out" are out of your minds and you know it! And honestly I think it is wrong in so many ways that you all keep saying the only time you should need support is with a death or illness....needing support does not always have to be about something bad. Support in my mind is just asking if I need help with anything. Maybe you didn't get any help with your plans (which is very sad) and maybe that didn't stress you out at all during your wedding planning...good for you!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:7a14dca9-0370-4b53-8d9d-887ecc90c6aa">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : 1) I don't particularly like being the center of attention OR showered with gifts, so I am 100% okay with not having a shower or bachelorette party. 2) I can HONESTLY tell you that I am not the least bit upset that my best friends are not able to take me out for a bachelorette party. School, work, and their personal lives come before a night of drinking before my wedding - and I'm okay with that. 3) Your best friends ARE giving you and your FI "one day"... it's called your WEDDING DAY. 4) Be prepared to scream - <strong>wedding planning shouldn't be some huge stressful traumatic situation where you need "support".</strong> You're planning a party. That's it. Albeit, a generally very expensive and big one, but a party none the less. <strong>"Support" is for when a family member dies, you receive a diagnosis of cancer, or some other life-altering tragedy</strong>. If planning a wedding is OMG-SO-STRESSFUL that you need "support", you're doing it wrong and should probably just JOP it and be done.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    No one ever said it is "traumatic". I personally am having an absolute BLAST planning my wedding with my FI, family, and BM's (I'm not gonna know what to do with myself once it's over:)....with that said, that does not mean that I do not get stressed out from time to time.  Planning and paying for an elegant dinner party for a large group of people IS stressful and all you girls who say "you're doing it wrong if you're stressed out" are out of your minds and you know it! And honestly I think it is wrong in so many ways that you all keep saying the only time you should need support is with a death or illness....needing support does not always have to be about something bad. Support in my mind is just asking if I need help with anything. Maybe you didn't get any help with your plans (which is very sad) and maybe that didn't stress you out at all during your wedding planning...good for you!
  • Wow, the attitudes on here are mind-blowing.  I didn't have much wedding drama and I only went on this message board occassionally for advice and what-not, but I'm glad I didn't post anything.  I thought these message boards were supposed to be for support and advice, not for telling someone they are whining and making them feel like the biggest bridezilla ever because they feel let down by people who are important to them.

    If she feels slighted by her BMs, then that's her prerogative.  Fights happen, feelings are hurt, and it can happen whether it's your wedding day or just a regular Sunday.  I think the original post was meant to vent and get out some overwhelming feelings.  I didn't take it as whining, just as someone who was feeling blown over by feeling like her friends weren't there for her.  Some responders turned what she was venting about and made her seem like a selfish, whiny, thankless bridezilla all because she felt let down.

    I think people need to show a little more support on here.  If you don't agree with something someone says or think they are being superficial, you could try either ignoring the post or your could give constructive criticism.  As for saying, "You aren't going to get any sympathy around these parts.  Especially with your negative attitude."  Wow!  I didn't think she had a negative attitude, she was just hurt by how she felt her friends weren't supporting her.  I think that deserves support.  I don't recall her saying she hated her friends or wished she had picked other BMs, just that she was so sad and upset that they didn't seem to be there for her or take her feelings into account.

    jessle830, I hope you were able to talk to your fiance/husband about this so that he could help you through it.  Whenever I was feeling upset or overwhelmed by the wedding, mine was my rock.  Even if I couldn't rely on him to remember to put the flower girl's basket by the entrance to our beach ceremony for when we arrived to walk down the aisle, LOL.  ;o)

    I just hope posts on here could be more positive.  Planning your own wedding is an incredibly stressful and overwhelming time and feelings can get out of hand no matter what the underlying reasoning.  Just try to keep that in mind before you blast someone for venting and looking for support.
    Knottie1428389114
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:8ab3a052-afe6-4268-af36-7438285807b9">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, the attitudes on here are mind-blowing.  I didn't have much wedding drama and I only went on this message board occassionally for advice and what-not, but I'm glad I didn't post anything.  I thought these message boards were supposed to be for support and advice, not for telling someone they are whining and making them feel like the biggest bridezilla ever because they feel let down by people who are important to them. If she feels slighted by her BMs, then that's her prerogative.  Fights happen, feelings are hurt, and it can happen whether it's your wedding day or just a regular Sunday.  I think the original post was meant to vent and get out some overwhelming feelings.  I didn't take it as whining, just as someone who was feeling blown over by feeling like her friends weren't there for her.  Some responders turned what she was venting about and made her seem like a selfish, whiny, thankless bridezilla all because she felt let down. I think people need to show a little more support on here.  If you don't agree with something someone says or think they are being superficial, you could try either ignoring the post or your could give constructive criticism.  As for saying, "You aren't going to get any sympathy around these parts.  Especially with your negative attitude."  Wow!  I didn't think she had a negative attitude, she was just hurt by how she felt her friends weren't supporting her.  I think that deserves support.  I don't recall her saying she hated her friends or wished she had picked other BMs, just that she was so sad and upset that they didn't seem to be there for her or take her feelings into account. jessle830, I hope you were able to talk to your fiance/husband about this so that he could help you through it.  Whenever I was feeling upset or overwhelmed by the wedding, mine was my rock.  Even if I couldn't rely on him to remember to put the flower girl's basket by the entrance to our beach ceremony for when we arrived to walk down the aisle, LOL.  ;o) I just hope posts on here could be more positive.  Planning your own wedding is an incredibly stressful and overwhelming time and feelings can get out of hand no matter what the underlying reasoning.  Just try to keep that in mind before you blast someone for venting and looking for support.
    Posted by bitesizesandy[/QUOTE]

    Do people even read the titles of posts before they reply?

    "<strong>Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing..."
    </strong>Really? You're going to go so far as to call your friends "lame" because they didn't buy you a gift and didn't help YOU plan YOUR and YOUR FI's wedding? That's negative right off the bat.
     
    I sure hope her bridesmaids know that their time and money spent to be in and attend the wedding wasn't enough for their "friend".
  • She was venting, get over it! And yourself for thinking you are so perfect. The way your attitude is I'd be suprised if you have real friends that come to you for advice because I sure as heck wouldn't Your straight up rude and distrespectful.  Even if people make I'm sure the OP would like you to stop putting input into her post because she and others do not care what you have to say.
    Knottie1428389114
  • jessle830jessle830 member
    10 Comments
    edited May 2011
    I gotta say I love you guys! haha I felt kinda crappy when I got the first couple responses to this post, I couldn't believe how mean and judgemental some of these people could be but then I started reading as more posts came in and I really appreciated everyone's advice and support! No one comes on here looking to feel like crap about themselves, they're simply looking for advice and opinions! So thank you for the millionth time for the support/constructive criticism and standing up for the girls that come on here once in a blue moon for a little support.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:8e1406db-a007-468b-ae39-f2f7f5d0330a">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I personally think that if you can't afford to attend all the pre wedding festivites or to purchase the dress and accessories of the brides choosing or you don't have the time to support the couple planning the wedding, you should decline when asked to be in the wedding party. If you can't give 100% to the couple and be there for them, whether it be attending a shower or bachelorette party or tying hundreds of tiny bows on favors, you should be honest with the bride or groom and just tell them that you can't afford or don't have the time to be a part of the wedding party. You can still be a good friend and attend the wedding and the bride and groom will be able to fill their bridal party with people who do care, who will give their all to the couple who is 100 times more stressed out and busy and broke than anyone who is just attending the wedding should be. Friends who accept the invitation to be a part of the wedding party should be willing and able to do anything you ask of them when planning your big day. <strong>Our Best Man is the perfect example of this. If we contact him regarding something that needs to be done for the wedding, he doesn't even ask what it is. He just replies with, "Yep! I'll be there." He's truly devoted to his role and is willing to do anything that is asked of him.</strong> OP - I think you have every right to feel upset about this. I personally would talk to my friends about this, so that you don't go on forever resenting them. If you don't say anything, it will probably put far more stress on your relationships than if you were to sit down calmly and have a heart to heart. True friends don't want to hurt each other's feelings and will typically apologize if they realize that they have in the past.
    Posted by bunchkin09[/QUOTE]

    That's exactly what brought up all these feelings. Our best man was there at the drop of a dime any time we needed something and I see that as being a great best friend. Then came bachelor/bachelorette party time and the groomsmen rented a limo. They took into consideration that my DH wasn't into strippers and drinking so they took him go cart racing, then out to dinner and then out to a bar in Boston! So when my friends were like let's meet in the commuter parking lot and we'll go to a bar, with half the people there being their coworkers that I didn't even know, then didn't offer to pay a $3 cover, I was sort of taken back I guess. The guys were so helpful and they even pitched in and got us a nice grill for our wedding gift. Like I said, it's not about the money or the gifts,  I was just surprised that girls know how important a wedding is to another girl. Girls typically put more thought and feeling into certain events therefore it surprised me that the guys actually put way more time, effort and thought into this wedding! Not gonna lie, there was also a bit of jealously when my husband had an amazing bachelor party and mine consisted of me driving 2 hours to meet my friends at a bar and eat dinner at a dive.

    I am thankful to have an amazing husband who was there for me when all this went down.  He's the best for sure. Now it's all over and life is good <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />
  • edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:65957db8-ba84-4733-a0da-a2705fe67ad1">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]She was venting, get over it! And yourself for thinking you are so perfect. The way your attitude is I'd be suprised if you have real friends that come to you for advice because I sure as heck wouldn't Your straight up rude and distrespectful.  Even if people make I'm sure the OP would like you to stop putting input into her post because she and others do not care what you have to say.
    Posted by peanutkls[/QUOTE]

    LOL.

    Thanks. I needed that.

    Regardless of whether or not you like the <em>delivery</em> of my posts doesn't change the fact that the <em>content </em>is valid. If you want someone to just agree with you and be a yes-man, you're on the wrong boards.
  • It's not just me ur delivery is rude have some compassion for other peoples feelings and most of the time when someone is writing something on here the reader does not get all the facts and past information. She was upset because her MOH wasn't doing what most MOH really offer to do be helpful and supportive that doesn't always mean paying for things and doing things for them. She has the right to have those feelings just like any other bride has the right to feel that way.
  • amys325amys325 member
    500 Comments
    I have been the MOH in 4 weddings and they have all been out of town for me and I've flown home for showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings, rehearsal dinners, registering for gifts, and whatever the bride and groom needed from me.  I've spent thousands of dollars on these women because they asked me to the be their MOH in their wedding and I did whatever was humanly possible to love and support them. 

    As a bridesmaid or MOH, it is not just your responsibility to show up sober on the wedding day, that's the job of the other guests...

    Now, I don't necessarily feel like you can expect a gift from an attendent.  People do spend a lot of money on being in a wedding, but a nice card or some sort of small trinket would have been nice.
    Knottie1428389114
  • In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...:
    [QUOTE]I personally think that if you can't afford to attend all the pre wedding festivites or to purchase the dress and accessories of the brides choosing or you don't have the time to support the couple planning the wedding, you should decline when asked to be in the wedding party. If you can't give 100% to the couple and be there for them, whether it be attending a shower or bachelorette party or tying hundreds of tiny bows on favors, you should be honest with the bride or groom and just tell them that you can't afford or don't have the time to be a part of the wedding party. You can still be a good friend and attend the wedding and the bride and groom will be able to fill their bridal party with people who do care, who will give their all to the couple who is 100 times more stressed out and busy and broke than anyone who is just attending the wedding should be. Friends who accept the invitation to be a part of the wedding party should be willing and able to do anything you ask of them when planning your big day. Our Best Man is the perfect example of this. If we contact him regarding something that needs to be done for the wedding, he doesn't even ask what it is. He just replies with, "Yep! I'll be there." He's truly devoted to his role and is willing to do anything that is asked of him. OP - I think you have every right to feel upset about this. I personally would talk to my friends about this, so that you don't go on forever resenting them. If you don't say anything, it will probably put far more stress on your relationships than if you were to sit down calmly and have a heart to heart. True friends don't want to hurt each other's feelings and will typically apologize if they realize that they have in the past.
    Posted by bunchkin09[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, but I REALLY disagree with this.  None of my bridesmaids are in a position to spend a lot of time or money on my wedding and I would have been really hurt if they declined just because they thought I would be a bridezilla and demand that much effort from them. 

    Two of them are my sisters and one is my good friend and two of they all have kids, two of them are single moms and my the other lives out of state.  I would never expect them to take time or money away from their children just so they could buy some ridiculously expensive dress or help me with a project that I decided to do.  Being a mother trumps being a bridesmaid every.single.time and I fully understand and support that.

    I would rather have them standing next to me in jeans and a t-shirt on my wedding day and having not helped with a single thing than to have them decline to be there with me just because they couldn't commit time and money to me.

    This is exactly why we say that all your WP is required to do is buy the dress and show up, because hopefully they mean more to you than just free slave labor and party throwers.  Would you expect that people that close to you would offer to do more?  Of course, but sometimes they have things going on in their own lives that make that impossible, but it doesn't make them bad friends.

    As I said before, it is absolutely okay to be disappointed if people weren't able to do more for you and come here to vent about it.  But at the end of the day, it's something that needs to be gotten over because holding grudges against lifelong friends because of one day just doesn't make sense.
    Anniversary
  • To the OP:
    I tried to read as many posts on this thread as I could, but there is just too much to read, so please excuse me if I repeat some things that have already been said here.
    I completely understand why you would be annoyed/disappointed with your bridesmaids. I understand that is not about the gifts, or the parties. You are upset/feelings are hurt because these girls are supposed to be your friends - they were special enough to you, that you chose them to be in your bridal party. As close friends of yours, you hoped that they would "treat you" as you have "treated them" when you were in their wedding(s). Being told to "deal with it or don't come" when going to your bachelorette party, is flat out rude. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who treated me that way.

    With friendship, comes certain "expecations" (for lack of a better word). This applies to any friendship. If we all went around with the attitude that nothing should be "expected" of us when we are supposed to be someone's good friend, the world would be a horrible place, don't you think?

    When I am good friends with someone - I care about their feelings. I do what I can to support them - and when I was a bridesmaid, I did everything I could to show my support, participate and be a good friend, whether it was a matter of planning an event, or just showing up. (or doing things that I knew would make the bride happy). It does hurt when you feel "let down" by people you consider close friends of yours.

    I also understand that you were venting - and I don't get the impression that you are going to hold a grudge or end friendships with these girls.  My feelings would totally be hurt if I were in your shoes, and anybody who says they wouldn't care - and that they only expect their bridesmaids to buy the dress and show up, are lying, or just heartless.
  • amys325amys325 member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:fc02f969-af3b-4702-8eef-644919d744f9">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : [QUOTE ]I personally think that if you can't afford to attend all the pre wedding festivites or to purchase the dress and accessories of the brides choosing or you don't have the time to support the couple planning the wedding, you should decline when asked to be in the wedding party . If you can't give 100% to the couple and be there for them, whether it be attending a shower or bachelorette party or tying hundreds of tiny bows on favors, you should be honest with the bride or groom and just tell them that you can't afford or don't have the time to be a part of the wedding party. You can still be a good friend and attend the wedding and the bride and groom will be able to fill their bridal party with people who do care, who will give their all to the couple who is 100 times more stressed out and busy and broke than anyone who is just attending the wedding should be. Friends who accept the invitation to be a part of the wedding party should be willing and able to do anything you ask of them when planning your big day. Our Best Man is the perfect example of this. If we contact him regarding something that needs to be done for the wedding, he doesn't even ask what it is. He just replies with, "Yep! I'll be there." He's truly devoted to his role and is willing to do anything that is asked of him. OP - I think you have every right to feel upset about this. I personally would talk to my friends about this, so that you don't go on forever resenting them. If you don't say anything, it will probably put far more stress on your relationships than if you were to sit down calmly and have a heart to heart. True friends don't want to hurt each other's feelings and will typically apologize if they realize that they have in the past. Posted by bunchkin09[/QUOTE] I'm sorry, but I REALLY disagree with this.  None of my bridesmaids are in a position to spend a lot of time or money on my wedding and I would have been really hurt if they declined just because they thought I would be a bridezilla and demand that much effort from them.  Two of them are my sisters and one is my good friend and two of they all have kids, two of them are single moms and my the other lives out of state.  I would never expect them to take time or money away from their children just so they could buy some ridiculously expensive dress or help me with a project that I decided to do.  Being a mother trumps being a bridesmaid every.single.time and I fully understand and support that. I would rather have them standing next to me in jeans and a t-shirt on my wedding day and having not helped with a single thing than to have them decline to be there with me just because they couldn't commit time and money to me. <strong>This is exactly why we say that all your WP is required to do is buy the dress and show up, because hopefully they mean more to you than just free slave labor and party throwers</strong>.  Would you expect that people that close to you would offer to do more?  Of course, but sometimes they have things going on in their own lives that make that impossible, but it doesn't make them bad friends. As I said before, it is absolutely okay to be disappointed if people weren't able to do more for you and come here to vent about it.  But at the end of the day, it's something that needs to be gotten over because holding grudges against lifelong friends because of one day just doesn't make sense.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>See, but this is where you are wrong.  And not from the OPs standpoint.  As someone who has been asked to be in numerous weddings, I would never just show up with the dress on.  It is my responsibility to do what my friend, the bride, needs me to do.  My friends and I just must be closer than most of you are because I hold being an MOH or a BM to such high standards. </div><div>
    </div><div>And for all of you who are interested, I didn't have a big bridal party.  My husband and I just had my sister and his brother as MOH and BM.  And guess what??  My friends all threw me a bach party/shower, came to my DW in St. Thomas, dressed in matching dresses and helped me with anything I needed.  True friends are there for you whenever you need them!</div><div>
    </div><div>Here is a picture of my "honorary bms"
    <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', 'f1a70f36-8028-4202-9761-d8caa178d00b', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/7/f1a70f36-8028-4202-9761-d8caa178d00b.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

    </div>
  • edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:8c06c3e0-397c-4f6f-bcd2-ced842eff2ff">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]See, but this is where you are wrong.  And not from the OPs standpoint.  As someone who has been asked to be in numerous weddings, I would never just show up with the dress on.  It is my responsibility to do what my friend, the bride, needs me to do.  <strong>My friends and I just must be closer than most of you are because I hold being an MOH or a BM to such high standards</strong>.  And for all of you who are interested, I didn't have a big bridal party.  My husband and I just had my sister and his brother as MOH and BM.  And guess what??  My friends all threw me a bach party/shower, came to my DW in St. Thomas, dressed in matching dresses and helped me with anything I needed.  <strong>True friends are there for you whenever you need them!</strong> Here is a picture of my "honorary bms"
    Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

    I dare you to challenge the closeness of me and my MOH. We live nearly 10 hours apart, haven't seen each other in almost 18 months, and yet talk every day.

    ... and it will not surprise me (nor disappoint me) in the least if she does not offer to throw me a bridal shower and/or bachelorette because you know what? She has a life of her own.

    She's my FRIEND first and foremost, a "bridesmaid" (MOH) second. And as such, I understand that school, work, and her own relationships come before planning a party for me or buying me gifts.

    Just because YOU spend more money and time on your own for your friends' weddings doesn't mean that someone else is a crappy friend for not doing so.
  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:8f708463-e728-4d7b-be37-4fb5fbd3b483">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : I dare you to challenge the closeness of me and my MOH. We live nearly 10 hours apart, haven't seen each other in almost 18 months, and yet talk every day. ... and <strong>it will not surprise me (nor disappoint me) in the least if she does not offer to throw me a bridal shower and/or bachelorette because you know what? She has a life of her own. </strong>She's my FRIEND first and foremost, a "bridesmaid" (MOH) second. And as such, I understand that school, work, and her own relationships come before planning a party for me or buying me gifts. Just because YOU spend more money and time on your own for your friends' weddings doesn't mean that someone else is a crappy friend for not doing so.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]
    That wasn't the issue here. Would you be disappointed if your MOH offered to throw you a bachelorette party and then told you "if you don't like it, don't come"?
    Would you be disappointed if your MOH offered to help you with wedding preparations and was supposed to come help at a specific time, and then never showed up and gave you no explanation as to what happened? Would you be disappointed if you had helped organize her shower or bachelorette party when she got married - and you tried to make sure that she was happy with everything - and tried to be there for her as a GOOD FRIEND, but she didn't reciprocate? That would make any person feel slighted IMO.
    This isn't about "roles" as a MOH or Bridesmaid, or how much $$ you spend on each other's weddings. It is about expecting certain things from your close friends - expecting them to ACT like your close friends, especially during a very special time in your life. (which by the way, only happens once).
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:b82e9e18-ec82-4af7-b45a-7bcf77c67f98">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : That wasn't the issue here. Would you be disappointed if your MOH offered to throw you a bachelorette party and then told you "if you don't like it, don't come"? Would you be disappointed if your MOH offered to help you with wedding preparations and was supposed to come help at a specific time, and then never showed up and gave you no explanation as to what happened? Would you be disappointed if you had helped organize her shower or bachelorette party when she got married - and you tried to make sure that she was happy with everything - and tried to be there for her as a GOOD FRIEND, but she didn't reciprocate? That would make any person feel slighted IMO. This isn't about "roles" as a MOH or Bridesmaid, or how much $$ you spend on each other's weddings. <strong><u>It is about expecting certain things from your close friends - expecting them to ACT like your close friends, especially during a very special time in your life. (which by the way, only happens once).
    </u></strong>Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    Did you bother to read the title of the thead? <strong>Lame bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...

    </strong>Lame bridesmaids would be those who fail to show up to your wedding - the ONE DAY that you get as a bride... her bridesmaids did.

    Everything else they CHOOSE to do is a gift from them to you. I can understand being disappointed at them having the attitude of "if you don't like it, don't come" - but is that enough to dub them lame <em>bridesmaids</em>? IMO, no. That dubs them bad friends and the issue goes beyond the wedding...

    Would I be disappointed if she offered to help and failed to show up? Probably. But instead of just being angry/upset with her, I'd probably bring it up and ask her what happened - odds are she had something come up in her OWN life. And her own life will trump my wedding every.single.time. And I'm okay with that.

    As for the underlined/bolded, perhaps you are EXPECTING too much. The expectation for BM's is to show up at the wedding in the correct dress on time and sober. Then their "duties" are done. In doing those few things, they HAVE acted like good friends. Showers, parties, etc. once again are GIFTS that they may CHOOSE to give - they should not be expectations, nor should they be reasons so many brides get upset when they don't go perfect.
  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:5f92ccea-eab0-44d8-b85f-13c0a965eb1a">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : Did you bother to read the title of the thead? Lame bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... Lame bridesmaids would be those who fail to show up to your wedding - the ONE DAY that you get as a bride... her bridesmaids did. Everything else they CHOOSE to do is a gift from them to you. I can understand being disappointed at them having the attitude of "if you don't like it, don't come" - but is that enough to dub them lame bridesmaids ? IMO, no. That dubs them bad friends and the issue goes beyond the wedding... Would I be disappointed if she offered to help and failed to show up? Probably. But instead of just being angry/upset with her, I'd probably bring it up and ask her what happened - odds are she had something come up in her OWN life. A<strong>nd her own life will trump my wedding every.single.time.</strong> And I'm okay with that. As for the underlined/bolded, perhaps you are EXPECTING too much. <strong>The expectation for BM's is to show up at the wedding in the correct dress on time and sober. Then their "duties" are done</strong>. In doing those few things, they HAVE acted like good friends. Showers, parties, etc. once again are GIFTS that they may CHOOSE to give - they should not be expectations, nor should they be reasons so many brides get upset when they don't go perfect.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    As I said, it is about expectations of my FRIENDS, not Bridesmaids. As you said previously, they are your friend first, then a bridesmaid. So while that might be the only expectation of a "bridesmaid" (and that must be a bridesmaid that you barely know if they would only show up to the wedding and do absolutely nothing else), that is <strong><u>not </u></strong>the only expectation of a <u><strong>CLOSE FRIEND,</strong></u>who you chose to be your MOH or bridesmaid.

    Yes, I agree that the subject of this thread is off base, but she was venting. Give her a break. We don't know what the OP did in terms of handling this. Whether she is going to (or has) talked to her bridesmaids/MOH about the issues or not, is not relevant. You are reading more into the subject of this thread, rather than what was actually said in the OP.

    We don't all live under a rock. We ALL KNOW that when we are asked to be a bridesmaid, the bride would like us to be a part of her shower, bachelorette party, etc.. as well as at least offer to help with stuff. Who has been a bridesmaid and ALL you did was just "show up in the dress"? Please..lets be realistic here.

    If your MOH lives 5 hours away and cannot attend your bachelorette party, that is one thing. But if she lives 2 minutes away and doesn't attend, that is something different, to me. These are events that are planned well in advance, and depending on the reason she did not attend, the bride could definitely be upset with just cause. Yes, people have lives, and shouldn't have to drop everything to attend your shower. But if they agreed to be a bridesmaid (or MOH), then IMO, they should make every attempt possible to attend and be a part of those events. A shower is usually like 3 or 4 hours on a Sunday.. if they can't take 3 hours of out their life to attend your bridal shower, then maybe they shouldn't be a bridesmaid in the first place, because to me, that is not what a good friend of mine would do.

    And about the "no gift" thing.. it is not about "just wanting a gift". But again, if you are close friends with someone, and you asked them to be a part of your bridal party (or even more importantly asked them to be your MOH), and then don't give you a gift for your wedding, how could you not be disappointed with that? If she doesn't even give you a card or anything, then who wouldn't be hurt by that? How could you say that wouldn't hurt your feelings in the slightest?

    The OP was venting here.. she never said that she was going to end all of her friendships with these people, make a huge deal out of it, etc.. but the things she is upset about make sense, and she shouldn't be told she is wrong to feel that way.

    *Edit* - about her life trumping yours every single time. That's the thing - friendship is a two way street. There is give and take. There are compromises. You do what you can for your friends and expect the same in return. If I was friends with someone, and their life always "trumped" mine, why would I want to be friends with that person in the first place? If you are a friend to someone, their life should be important to you, and you should make an effort to be a part of it.
  • amys325amys325 member
    500 Comments

    KellyBrian,

    I will say that I'm sorry that I challenged the closeness of your friends/BMs.  I guess I just can't understand how your friends wouldn't hold this day (your wedding day) in their highest regard as well.  When my friends get married, it is important to me as well. They are my friends and I'm happy for them and doing anything in my power to make their special day better is what I'm there for.

    You saying "The expectation for BM's is to show up at the wedding in the correct dress on time and sober" makes them sound more like Minions or Slaves then the girls on this thread who want their friends to be an important part of the wedding.  Being a BM or MOH is not about the dress or being sober (which by the way makes me laugh when people say that...I served booze during my ceremony). 

    What it comes down to is that we all have different expectations of our BMs.  Some people like the OP and myself expect more than a little matching Minion, we expect our friends to be there for us, enjoying in the fun of the wedding day and the love of two people.  While others just want you to show up on the wedding day.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:d5d2ba00-1111-48cc-9823-a380beab431b">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]KellyBrian, I will say that I'm sorry that I challenged the closeness of your friends/BMs.  I guess I just can't understand how your friends wouldn't hold this day (your wedding day) in their highest regard as well.  When my friends get married, it is important to me as well. They are my friends and I'm happy for them and doing anything in my power to make their special day better is what I'm there for. You saying "The expectation for BM's is to show up at the wedding in the correct dress on time and sober" makes them sound more like Minions or Slaves then the girls on this thread who want their friends to be an important part of the wedding.  Being a BM or MOH is not about the dress or being sober (which by the way makes me laugh when people say that...I served booze during my ceremony).  What it comes down to is that we all have different expectations of our BMs.  Some people like the OP and myself expect more than a little matching Minion, we expect our friends to be there for us, enjoying in the fun of the wedding day and the love of two people.  While others just want you to show up on the wedding day.
    Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]
    Haha you are exactly right. If I just wanted my bridesmaids or MOH to just show up in a dress, I could grab random people off the street for that.
    It is unrealistic to say that is all you should expect of a bridesmaid.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_lame-bridesmaids-gift-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:de695e61-d458-431a-8f79-c97f3edef1c6Post:8c06c3e0-397c-4f6f-bcd2-ced842eff2ff">Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lame Bridesmaids - no help, no gift, no nothing... : I'm sorry, but I REALLY disagree with this.  None of my bridesmaids are in a position to spend a lot of time or money on my wedding and I would have been really hurt if they declined just because they thought I would be a bridezilla and demand that much effort from them.  Two of them are my sisters and one is my good friend and two of they all have kids, two of them are single moms and my the other lives out of state.  I would never expect them to take time or money away from their children just so they could buy some ridiculously expensive dress or help me with a project that I decided to do.  Being a mother trumps being a bridesmaid every.single.time and I fully understand and support that. I would rather have them standing next to me in jeans and a t-shirt on my wedding day and having not helped with a single thing than to have them decline to be there with me just because they couldn't commit time and money to me. This is exactly why we say that all your WP is required to do is buy the dress and show up, because hopefully they mean more to you than just free slave labor and party throwers .  Would you expect that people that close to you would offer to do more?  Of course, but sometimes they have things going on in their own lives that make that impossible, but it doesn't make them bad friends. As I said before, it is absolutely okay to be disappointed if people weren't able to do more for you and come here to vent about it.  But at the end of the day, it's something that needs to be gotten over because holding grudges against lifelong friends because of one day just doesn't make sense. Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE] See, but this is where you are wrong.  And not from the OPs standpoint.  As someone who has been asked to be in numerous weddings, I would never just show up with the dress on.  It is my responsibility to do what my friend, the bride, needs me to do.  My friends and I just must be closer than most of you are because I hold being an MOH or a BM to such high standards.  And for all of you who are interested, I didn't have a big bridal party.  My husband and I just had my sister and his brother as MOH and BM.  And guess what??  My friends all threw me a bach party/shower, came to my DW in St. Thomas, dressed in matching dresses and helped me with anything I needed.  True friends are there for you whenever you need them! Here is a picture of my "honorary bms"
    Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

    So your friends don't mean more to you than free slave labor and party throwers?  Yeah...you sound REAL close to your friends....

    What I was trying to say is that of course as friends, you expect that they would <em>like</em> to do more than just show up in the dress, but if you get mad at them because they can't, then that's just ridiculous.  You should choose people based on how close they are to you, not based on what they can do for you.
    Anniversary
  • amys325amys325 member
    500 Comments
    You should choose people based on how close they are to you, not based on what they can do for you.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    Exactly!  That is actually what I'm trying to say!  And if they are that close to you, they will step it up and do whatever is needed for you and your FI on your wedding day. 

    When my best friend got married in November, 2010 and I was a co-MOH, I was there for her whenever she needed me.  I live 6 hours away and do not have a car, so everytime I came home for something I had to fly.  I flew to visit her to shop for BM dresses (she picked the color and we picked the style), her shower, threw her bach a party (which she told me what she wanted to do and we planned it according to her wishes), her dress fittings, her flower appt, her rehearsal dinner, and obviously for her wedding.   I did all this while A)  Planning my own wedding in February, 2011 and B)  having to help my dad with my extremely ill step-mother who ended up passing 2 weeks before my friends wedding. 

    Did my life and things I couldn't control get in the way of being SUPER excited for my friend and her Fiance?  Nope.  I wanted to be there, I wanted to be supportive

    Like a PP said...if you just want someone to show up and wear a dress, then pick a random off the street. 

    All I'm trying to get across is that the OP has a reason to be upset and came here to vent and I'm being supportive.  Obviously people have different views on the subject and that's great.  What kind of world would this be if we all agreed? 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards