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Wedding Etiquette Forum
LMB311
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Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?
My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because:
a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met.
c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them.
So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well.
So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok?
Thanks!
a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met.
c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them.
So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well.
So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok?
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?
[QUOTE]My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because: a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable. b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met. c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them. So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well. So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok? Thanks!
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]
<div>A <em>bit</em> judgy? No, you are super judgmental to the max.</div><div>
</div><div>What on earth makes you think you have the right to say whether or not someone else's <em>marriage </em>is committed? </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want the husband there, don't invite the wife. Otherwise, get over it.</div>
And because it is not your right or place to determine how committed anyone's relationship is.
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[QUOTE]My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because: a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable. b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met. c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them. So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well. So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok? Thanks!
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]
As someone who deals with criminals all day long, ex cons aren't that big a deal. Most of them are normal people who just fucked up. What was he convicted of?
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
Also, as PPs said, it is not up to you to judge another couple's relationship. It is frankly none of your business. If they choose to be together after all that, then you either invite Mr. & Mrs. Smith, or do not invite them. However, in doing this you have opened a family Pandora's box.
What does your FH have to say about this? It is his sister,after all, and I am sure he has met him at least once or twice before he was sent up the river.
No one has to know there is an ex-con at your wedding, unless you put a little side note in the programs.
1. Don't invite either of them, but considering that this is your FSIL that may not be a wise choice.
2. Send the invite and let FSIL decide if they are committed enough to attend as a couple since it really isn't your place to judge their level of committment.
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Like PPs, I want to know what he was convicted of. I wouldn't want a child molestor or murderer at my wedding, but would be able to look past other things.
OP is awfully quiet.......
[QUOTE]Because a couple is a social unit.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
Exactly what I was going to say. And Jill, my <3 for you grew by leaps and bounds the other day, simply by you posting about misophonia. I TOTALLY agree that gum should be illegal.
And I thought about you this morning driving to work when the truck in front of me had a foxhound poking his lovely head out of the window. ::quits creeping on Jill::
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[QUOTE]It's not okay to host an event where all couples are invited except for this one person's <strong>boyfriend</strong>. Unless the guy was charged with child molestation or rape, I think you need to allow FSIL to bring her <strong>boyfriend </strong>(assuming they're still together by the time the wedding rolls around). Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]
Husband, Mica. Not just a boyfriend.
Yeah, this post is pretty judgmental... You need to find out what sent him to the big house before you break up a social unit. As far as etiquette goes, it is extremely rude to not invite a person's spouse, but if he is say a child molestor, I think everyone who knows, would feel that you excluding him was justified... However, if it is nothing serious then the only way anyone would be uncomfortable is if you broadcast it... Hell, one of 75 year old people coming to my wedding is an ex-con. SHE was arrested many years ago for protesting in the South.... With your way of thinking, she would be cut from the guest list, while her husband was invited... Wrong and wrong....
OP is the bottom comment on this thread (clicky) and it has some more information about this post actually.
[QUOTE]OP is the bottom comment on this thread ( clicky ) and it has some more information about this post actually.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it makes her sound worse. Sounds like she's decided she's not inviting him and doesn't care if the FSIL decides not to come.
OP, how the hell is the rest of your super-conservative family going to even KNOW that he was in jail? Are you planning on advertising that fact? Because the right thing to do would be to keep your mouth shut to avoid creating drama or awkwardness - unless, of course, he is a child molester or rapist or something like that.
You do realize there may be other ex-cons coming to your wedding, right? Most people don't know each other's criminal records. Unless he's a child molester or serial rapist or something, I'd think he should be invited.
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And just wow...sometimes I wonder how sentences are determined because sometimes they seem so misplaced.
Hopefully your comment will really change the OP's mind.
[QUOTE]OP is the bottom comment on this thread ( clicky ) and it has some more information about this post actually.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
based on whats written in there, sounds like you dont' want either of them there. so just don't invite her either. it might cause a drift with her parents, but if you and your FI both dont' want her there... then dont' invite her and you won't have to worry about him. But I think if you invite her and they are still married and together then you more than likely have to invite him too (pending knowing what he was convicted of).