how do i politely...

[Deleted User] · December 2010

...inform a relative that i don't wish to be addressed as "mrs. john smith" or "mr. and mrs. john smith"? my name is not john. i have a first name and that ain't it. i'm getting really sick of this.

Beachy730 · December 2010

Is it for a wedding invite or something? I would just make sure to write back on the response card Mr. & Mrs. John and Jill Smith. But I don't know if people would get the hint.

andy71781 · December 2010

Who is this relative? Can you be honest with them?

[Deleted User] · December 2010

xmas cards, birthday cards. i've attempted to drop hints by spelling out both our first names in the return address (in the format you mention) when i send things to these people.

mica178 · December 2010

Keep on responding and signing your name Jill LastName? And if there's any way that you can work it into a conversation with her, do it. ("I was talking with my friend recently, and she was asking for advice on addressing invitations. What do you think about using the first names of both husband and wife?")

[Deleted User] · December 2010

andy - it's an aunt. i actually have a couple of aunts that do this that i'd like to set straight. but i don't have a super close relationship with them and i'm not looking to piss anyone off. i just want people to stop addressing me in a way that offends me. hoping y'all can help me craft a good email or something, where i don't come off as a jerk.

Beachy730 · December 2010

Is it someone you are comfortable enough to say something to? My family can be really cocky so I would probably say something like "oh I didn't know when I got married that I lost my own first name." But I can definitely see how people can take that the wrong way.

mica178 · December 2010

I don't know how well that stuff translates in email. In fact, I don't think that's a conversation I'd have on email.

andy71781 · December 2010

Ok I think you have a couple options. I think you can suck it up and not say anything - that would make you safe from any conflict but be mad next time you get something addressed as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Or you could go the straight up second-wave feminism idea. Send them an email saying why you hate it. Talk about the origins of the custom, how basically women were unimportant and basically just the property of their husbands. Make them proud to have a progressive niece.

Beachy730 · December 2010

I didn't see your last response about your relationship with them until after I posted, so I guess that wouldn't work.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:6db995f1-ebc6-4f17-85b4-810ec42224f5">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it someone you are comfortable enough to say something to? My family can be really cocky so I would probably say something like "oh I didn't know when I got married that I lost my own first name." But I can definitely see how people can take that the wrong way.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
i love that but i'm not sure it'd fly in this circle. i don't really interact with them in a sarcastic way. i also don't see them often in real life, really just chat over email here and there.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:8d478522-f616-4c8c-b7c9-7db903b117d8">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how well that stuff translates in email. In fact, I don't think that's a conversation I'd have on email.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]
rats! that's what i was afraid of.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:3e2c189f-530d-4cd4-ae0a-e07f7b8c401e">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]Or you could go the straight up second-wave feminism idea. Send them an email saying why you hate it. Talk about the origins of the custom, how basically women were unimportant and basically just the property of their husbands. Make them proud to have a progressive niece.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]
this could be an interesting angle. one to mull over. thanks!

louisvillebride21 · December 2010

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like they're going to be too proud to have such a progressive neice. Probably think you're stuck up and that you think you're better than them. Of course you know them better, but that's the impression I get after you saying you've dropped them several hints.

andy71781 · December 2010

Patriarchy is also found in family traditions like women taking the name of their husbandswww.essortment.com/all/whatispatriarc_rhsf.htm#" target="undefined" class="kLink"> and children always carrying the father's last name. More women are choosing to keep their maiden names or hyphenate with their married name so they can retain their own identity. With reference of Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so, the man assumes the dominant role again and women lose.

http://www.essortment.com/all/whatispatriarc_rhsf.htm (not the most intelligent article...but you get the idea)

kikibaby · December 2010

I think I'd go with simple and to-the-point.

"Hi Aunt! I hope you're well. Thanks so much for the Christmas card, it was really lovely. Just one thing- in the future, I'd feel more comfortable if you could address it to Jill Lastname instead of Mr. John Lastname. I really like my name and I love seeing it on a card! Happy Holidays, I hope it's a great one!

Love,

Jill"

Birdie1483 · December 2010

They could just be "old school" like my family.

Does it sound stupid to say something like "Hey Aunt X. Blah Blah blah. While I love the name John with all of my heart, I prefer to be addressed as Mrs. Jill Smith. Kathankloveyoubye"

You can insert your own personal level of cheesiness to the first part of that sentence.

I'm lame and am usually afraid to address things directly with my family so I have my parents do it.

FI thinks I"m crazy that I'm afraid to just say how I really feel to people.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:75493560-c753-41eb-ae32-e0caeda1266a">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]From what you've said, it doesn't sound like they're going to be too proud to have such a progressive neice. Probably think you're stuck up and that you think you're better than them. Of course you know them better, but that's the impression I get after you saying you've dropped them several hints.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
i just think they're oblivious to my hints. like, simply didn't notice or care how i addressed myself.

kiki, i really really like that approach too. i'm gonna muse on that, may go that way. thanks!

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I don't have much additional advice that PP's haven't given, but I agree with you wholeheartedly! I am asking our DJ to announce us as "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe" at our reception b/c I hate acting like I lost my first name when I get married!

I think polite but to the point might help in your situation. "Hey Aunt Sue, There's no hard feelings or offense taken or anything, but I was hoping in the future when you address me in cards or what not, you could put my first name too and just not John's? It's just a personal preference of mine."

[Deleted User] · December 2010

birdie, if my mom was still alive i'd totally have her disseminate this information to her sisters, who are all very close. and that would've worked brilliantly. but, she's not here.

i'm on my own.

kikibaby · December 2010

NP- I'm like Birdie, I like to slip those things in between random chat, seems to soften the blow.

Birdie1483 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:8ceaa808-2c85-4751-b1f4-94283488c61e">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]birdie, if my mom was still alive i'd totally have her disseminate this information to her sisters, who are all very close. and that would've worked brilliantly. but, she's not here. :( i'm on my own.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

I know I'm sorry :(

[Deleted User] · December 2010

just one of many seemingly unimportant things that make me want her back. i digress...

sister2groom · December 2010

Do they refer to you as "Mrs. John Smith" on YOUR birthday cards? Because that's a little strange. If it's just when they address cards to the both of you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" that would be one thing and I personally would just let it slide, but if it's when addressing just you, that's pretty antiquated. I mean, I'm pretty traditional with names, always knew I would drop my last name when I got married, but...wow.

louisvillebride21 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:b7579c44-c122-4095-8772-0a8935ff2e77">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]just one of many seemingly unimportant things that make me want her back. i digress...
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
It really can be the small things. It's been 7 years for me and I'll still have an errant thought....Oh, I have GOT to tell dad this. Adn then it hits me like bricks. Every single time.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

they have addressed me as "mrs. john smith" on my birthday cards which makes me want to throw things. i also get upset when they address our xmas cards "mr. and mrs. john smith". both ways offend and upset me and i think i should be able to assert myself on this. i don't want to led it slide, which is why i'm inquiring about the best way to proceed.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:7e6b5698-8a12-49fc-b3aa-c229924296d2">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i politely... : It really can be the small things. It's been 7 years for me and I'll still have an errant thought....Oh, I have GOT to tell dad this. Adn then it hits me like bricks. Every single time.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
ugh. this kind of thing happens to me frequently. and in that moment of realization it's like being kicked in the gut. i'm sorry lvb.

louisvillebride21 · December 2010

I'm sorry too. It's like a dead parents club. But it's not the cool kids club because grown women aren't 'supposed' to act this way about it.

squirrly · December 2010

I think Kiki's got the right idea. You can add a little more to it, like you're kind of hurt that people don't seem to want to send mail to you - just your H's wife - and that you're using your name professionally as well as socially.

Birdie1483 · December 2010

Dude I hate being a member of the dead parent's club. Especially for major life events.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

i don't subscribe to the idea that we're "supposed" to act any particular way. everyone deals with grief differently and there's no right or wrong.

louisvillebride21 · December 2010

Oh, I know. I feel how I feel and I make no excuses for it. But I've gotten shiit about it. I mean, it's been 7 years, you're not over it yet?!?!?!!1111

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