In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:913a7c8e-f414-485f-b558-7abc28933a7b">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>: [QUOTE]Again, thank you so much for all of your input and advice. I really thought about what you guys said & instead of asking her "what are you doing" or anything that could come off as me attacking/accusing her I'm just going to contact her every few days and just ask how she's doing & what's new. I'll just try to engage her in normal conversations & if she is still using maybe at some point it will click in her head that if someone else cares about her so much she should care about herself too. I really appreciate all of your words & hugs, as always <3 Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
If you get frustrated, you can always come here and talk to us. It's better we hear your frustrations than for her to hear them. I think the more you focus on her as a person and less on her addiction, the more open she will feel to talk to you about it. **Hugs**
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:8cdc91d2-6555-43b4-8119-33c3ba786f06">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : You are awesome with how you word your thoughts. Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]
Ha, good to hear, because I feel like I just rambled incomprehensibly for 15 minutes.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:1524c10c-9837-4b89-818e-d24135bbc6e9">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : Ha, good to hear, because I feel like I just rambled incomprehensibly for 15 minutes. Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Definitely not, lol. You said everything I wanted to, but didn't know how.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:7db972d9-4683-4a53-a619-88b9ddfeecc7">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : You are. You really are. Either damned by your own feelings, or damned by her feelings. It's time to be damned by your own feelings. It sucks, it's hard on you, I know this. But this isn't about you (not that I think you're trying to make it about you, I don't), it's about her, and her life, and her choices. And while it hurts you, she's not thinking about that. That doesn't mean she doesn't care. She's likely fairly aware that she's hurting people that love her. But she's got so much going on in her own head. This has nothing to do with you. I mean that in the kindest way possible. This is her crap. It's her illness. It's her life. It sucks for you, absolutely. But nothing you can say to her will change what she's doing. The ONLY right thing (ETA: to her) to say at this point is "Cousin, I love you. I care about you. If you need help, I'm here for you." Anything else you say is likely to come off as judgmental and not supportive, even if you aren't judging and you're trying to be supportive. It's the way their minds process information. You didn't SAY anything wrong, but she might interpret it wrong, and that's pretty much what counts. It hurts to hear her say that she felt like no one cared, when you guys thought you made it really clear. But if you say "I love you, you've got to stop this," all she hears is "You've got to stop this." It doesn't translate right. Like I said, I know you mean nothing but love and support. But it's possible she's not getting that out of what you're saying. It doesn't mean you're WRONG, it just means something isn't coming through. It's terribly difficult, and you'll likely feel crappy no matter what you say or do. That's the reality of it, and it totally blows. I feel for you, I truly do. I know what I'm saying is coming off harshly, and I promise I don't mean to be scolding you. I'm just trying to help you understand why you say one thing and she hears another. I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
<div>Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. You're right. Even things I don't want to believe/hear. I think I did know all of this already (I've dealt with addicts my entire life) but it's like each time you go through it again you want it to be different. You just want to shake the person & smack some sense into them. Obviously, that's not an option & it wouldn't really do any good anyways. It's so hard. </div><div> </div><div>Again, thank you. I really appreciate all of your words.</div><div> </div><div>ETA: NO! I didn't take it that way at all, I'm truly appreciative. It's really helpful what you said.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:044ca136-1672-4d43-8846-27dd9ab53fd0">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. You're right. Even things I don't want to believe/hear. I think I did know all of this already (I've dealt with addicts my entire life) but<strong> it's like each time you go through it again you want it to be different. You just want to shake the person & smack some sense into them.</strong> Obviously, that's not an option & it wouldn't really do any good anyways. It's so hard. Again, thank you. I really appreciate all of your words. ETA: NO! I didn't take it that way at all, I'm truly appreciative. It's really helpful what you said. Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
That has absolutely been my experience too. And there's a huge difference between knowing it, and applying it to a situation you're embroiled in because it's your family. I can apply it better because I don't know and love your cousin.
Re: Is there anything I can do?
[QUOTE]Again, thank you so much for all of your input and advice. I really thought about what you guys said & instead of asking her "what are you doing" or anything that could come off as me attacking/accusing her I'm just going to contact her every few days and just ask how she's doing & what's new. I'll just try to engage her in normal conversations & if she is still using maybe at some point it will click in her head that if someone else cares about her so much she should care about herself too. I really appreciate all of your words & hugs, as always <3
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
If you get frustrated, you can always come here and talk to us. It's better we hear your frustrations than for her to hear them. I think the more you focus on her as a person and less on her addiction, the more open she will feel to talk to you about it. **Hugs**
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : You are awesome with how you word your thoughts.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]
Ha, good to hear, because I feel like I just rambled incomprehensibly for 15 minutes.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : Ha, good to hear, because I feel like I just rambled incomprehensibly for 15 minutes.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Definitely not, lol. You said everything I wanted to, but didn't know how.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : You are. You really are. Either damned by your own feelings, or damned by her feelings. It's time to be damned by your own feelings. It sucks, it's hard on you, I know this. But this isn't about you (not that I think you're trying to make it about you, I don't), it's about her, and her life, and her choices. And while it hurts you, she's not thinking about that. That doesn't mean she doesn't care. She's likely fairly aware that she's hurting people that love her. But she's got so much going on in her own head. This has nothing to do with you. I mean that in the kindest way possible. This is her crap. It's her illness. It's her life. It sucks for you, absolutely. But nothing you can say to her will change what she's doing. The ONLY right thing (ETA: to her) to say at this point is "Cousin, I love you. I care about you. If you need help, I'm here for you." Anything else you say is likely to come off as judgmental and not supportive, even if you aren't judging and you're trying to be supportive. It's the way their minds process information. You didn't SAY anything wrong, but she might interpret it wrong, and that's pretty much what counts. It hurts to hear her say that she felt like no one cared, when you guys thought you made it really clear. But if you say "I love you, you've got to stop this," all she hears is "You've got to stop this." It doesn't translate right. Like I said, I know you mean nothing but love and support. But it's possible she's not getting that out of what you're saying. It doesn't mean you're WRONG, it just means something isn't coming through. It's terribly difficult, and you'll likely feel crappy no matter what you say or do. That's the reality of it, and it totally blows. I feel for you, I truly do. I know what I'm saying is coming off harshly, and I promise I don't mean to be scolding you. I'm just trying to help you understand why you say one thing and she hears another. I don't think I'm doing a very good job.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
<div>Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. You're right. Even things I don't want to believe/hear. I think I did know all of this already (I've dealt with addicts my entire life) but it's like each time you go through it again you want it to be different. You just want to shake the person & smack some sense into them. Obviously, that's not an option & it wouldn't really do any good anyways. It's so hard. </div><div>
</div><div>Again, thank you. I really appreciate all of your words.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: NO! I didn't take it that way at all, I'm truly appreciative. It's really helpful what you said.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. You're right. Even things I don't want to believe/hear. I think I did know all of this already (I've dealt with addicts my entire life) but<strong> it's like each time you go through it again you want it to be different. You just want to shake the person & smack some sense into them.</strong> Obviously, that's not an option & it wouldn't really do any good anyways. It's so hard. Again, thank you. I really appreciate all of your words. ETA: NO! I didn't take it that way at all, I'm truly appreciative. It's really helpful what you said.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
That has absolutely been my experience too. And there's a huge difference between knowing it, and applying it to a situation you're embroiled in because it's your family. I can apply it better because I don't know and love your cousin.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.