the situation

crcoff3997 · August 2010

Okay, so I'm pretty sure you all were right. I was being too sensitive and too paranoid! After reading all your posts, I've realized I was being too much of a worry wort and just need to chill out. Thanks for your input

MairePoppy · August 2010

Your friend had the right idea when it came to her wedding.The MOH/BMs duties are limited to buying the required dress, showing up for the wedding on time and having good will toward the couple. In addition, the MOH has some special duties during the ceremony, such as holding your flowers, the ring and signing the marriage license. That's all that is required. Anything else, such as throwing showers and helping out with any wedding planning or tasks should be strictly voluntary.

If you want to have a bbq and invite your bms and their families, go for it. But they should not be required to attend. They will be able to perform their limited wedding duties whether they know each other or not.

Don't ask your MOH to step down. She hasn't done anything to warrant that.

JadziaDax · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b193784c-a7da-4961-a80a-5d96c5b92028Post:3ae29235-199c-4a4f-a550-cd9c6883b656">MOH woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Before I start, I guess I'll give a little bit of history: I was in her wedding, and she didn't really include her bridesmaids in much of the planning, other than the bachelorette party and our dresses - not even hers. There was no shower thrown for her by us, and really the only role we played was showing up, lining up next to her and then being at the reception for a whopping two hours before the entire wedding dispersed. We weren't really even a part of the "getting ready" process. It was really just her, her mom and her sister getting their hair and make up done together and then the rest of us had to fend for ourselves. Even at the reception, she and her husband had a sweethearts table and didn't eat with the wedding party. Anyway, she's been acting pretty squirely lately (for lack of a better term). Any time I try to schedule get-togethers for planning or whatever else, there's always something she "has to do". I've mentioned having family barbecues that all of our families can attend so we can get to know each other better, because my bridesmaids are extremely important to me and I really want to develop lasting, solid friendships among our families but she never seems on board with the idea. She lives about an hour away from me, and I usually work weekends and I have to ask off for them about a month in advance. There are times when I plan things with her and she doesn't follow through with them. I'm not entirely sure I want her to be the maid of honor anymore, because if she's not willing to be available to help out when we plan it a month ahead of time, then where will she be two months or three months out when I really need her? We were really close friends, but I'm almost ready to just wash my hands of this and be done with it. Her lack of interest in planning is really pushing me away and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to sever our friendship completely, but I feel like she has absolutely no interest in any part of this. Has anyone else had a problem like this? If so, what did you do about it?
Posted by crcoff3997[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is not until May 2011 so I think you need to chill out a little- I don't mean to come across as being rude when I say that. I've seen too many friendships ended over weddings which is ridiculous.

I'm wondering why you mentioned your friends wedding in the first paragraph. Do you feel guilty that you weren't involved so much in your friends wedding, like you want her to be involved in yours? Family get togethers are really not necessary. When you ask someone to be your MOH or bridesmaid, all they have to do is buy a dress, show up and support you on your wedding day. Your MOH also lives an hour away, which can be a pretty long commute depending on other priorities she may have.

I'm also wondering what you will be expecting of her two to three months before the wedding. I've must have missed the MOH/ BM's duties memo 'cause I can't think of a thing i'd need my bridesmaids to do, other than order their dresses. Talk to your MOH and tell her you would like to see her more, but lay off on the pre-wedding events you're planning 9 months before your actual wedding.

vsgal · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b193784c-a7da-4961-a80a-5d96c5b92028Post:3ae29235-199c-4a4f-a550-cd9c6883b656">MOH woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Before I start, I guess I'll give a little bit of history: I was in her wedding, and she didn't really include her bridesmaids in much of the planning, other than the bachelorette party and our dresses - not even hers. There was no shower thrown for her by us, and really the only role we played was showing up, lining up next to her and then being at the reception for a whopping two hours before the entire wedding dispersed. We weren't really even a part of the "getting ready" process. It was really just her, her mom and her sister getting their hair and make up done together and then the rest of us had to fend for ourselves. Even at the reception, she and her husband had a sweethearts table and didn't eat with the wedding party. Anyway, she's been acting pretty squirely lately (for lack of a better term). Any time I try to schedule get-togethers for planning or whatever else, there's always something she "has to do". I've mentioned having family barbecues that all of our families can attend so we can get to know each other better, because my bridesmaids are extremely important to me and I really want to develop lasting, solid friendships among our families but she never seems on board with the idea. She lives about an hour away from me, and I usually work weekends and I have to ask off for them about a month in advance. There are times when I plan things with her and she doesn't follow through with them. I'm not entirely sure I want her to be the maid of honor anymore, because if she's not willing to be available to help out when we plan it a month ahead of time, then where will she be two months or three months out when I really need her? We were really close friends, but I'm almost ready to just wash my hands of this and be done with it. Her lack of interest in planning is really pushing me away and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to sever our friendship completely, but I feel like she has absolutely no interest in any part of this. Has anyone else had a problem like this? If so, what did you do about it?
Posted by crcoff3997[/QUOTE]

She had it right with her wedding. Everything she did and did not do is the proper way to handle a wedding. A bridal party has one responsibility--buy the dress and smile in pictures. Nothing else should be required or expected. This includes pre-wedding parties, any wedding planning, DIY projects, your dress shopping and fittings, day of wedding beautification, sitting at a head table or staying for 5 hours at a reception.

Please don't force your friends to be friends with each other or your family. Some people are not into meeting new people. Some people only want to build lasting friendships with others that they choose to. It is not your place to pick their friends for them.

mwhitson14 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b193784c-a7da-4961-a80a-5d96c5b92028Post:3ae29235-199c-4a4f-a550-cd9c6883b656">MOH woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Before I start, I guess I'll give a little bit of history: I was in her wedding, and she didn't really include her bridesmaids in much of the planning, other than the bachelorette party and our dresses - not even hers. There was no shower thrown for her by us, and really the only role we played was showing up, lining up next to her and then being at the reception for a whopping two hours before the entire wedding dispersed. We weren't really even a part of the "getting ready" process. It was really just her, her mom and her sister getting their hair and make up done together and then the rest of us had to fend for ourselves. Even at the reception, she and her husband had a sweethearts table and didn't eat with the wedding party.

What I have in bold is exactly how I acted. One of my BMs lives 3 hours away, the other an hour away, so when it came time to do stuff, I didn't bother them with it. They both have busy lives, and the wedding details were between me and DH; I didn't want any resposibility on my girls. Nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, she's been acting pretty squirely lately (for lack of a better term). Any time I try to schedule get-togethers for planning or whatever else, there's always something she "has to do". I've mentioned having family barbecues that all of our families can attend so we can get to know each other better, because my bridesmaids are extremely important to me and I really want to develop lasting, solid friendships among our families but she never seems on board with the idea. She lives about an hour away from me, and I usually work weekends and I have to ask off for them about a month in advance. There are times when I plan things with her and she doesn't follow through with them. I'm not entirely sure I want her to be the maid of honor anymore, because if she's not willing to be available to help out when we plan it a month ahead of time, then where will she be two months or three months out when I really need her?

Honestly, with her living an hour away, she may just not think that she needs to be superinvolved, ESPECIALLY with your wedding still so far away. We usually tell posters not to even PICK their WP until about 8 months out, so don't be so surprised she's not nipping at your heels to help out with stuff. My girls helped me out very little with the planning, but when it came to the wedding, one BM was awesome.

We were really close friends, but I'm almost ready to just wash my hands of this and be done with it. Her lack of interest in planning is really pushing me away and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to sever our friendship completely, but I feel like she has absolutely no interest in any part of this. Has anyone else had a problem like this? If so, what did you do about it?
Posted by crcoff3997[/QUOTE]

Is that seriously the ONLY reason you don't want to be friends with her? You need to take a step back and reevalute your priorities if you want to sever ties with a close, long term friend just because she's not helping you plan your wedding. I can guarantee you the only way she's acting this way is because it's how she was during her planning.

christinelyn0131 · August 2010

Well, okay, I'm going to skip over the etiquette stuff and try and relate. A girl I'm considering to ask to be my BM is super flakey. I'm not sure I can even trust her to show up to my wedding. That being said, if your trust her to show up then let her be distant. You could try talking to her, saying you enjoyed being her BM but want to do yours differently.

JenGin74 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b193784c-a7da-4961-a80a-5d96c5b92028Post:e8f4781f-549c-4717-9988-0758d27c9a1b">Re: MOH woes</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH woes : Is that seriously the ONLY reason you don't want to be friends with her? You need to take a step back and reevalute your priorities if you want to sever ties with a close, long term friend just because she's not helping you plan your wedding. I can guarantee you the only way she's acting this way is because it's how she was during her planning.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Ditto Whit. It's not her job to help you plan. If you need help planning, you should speak with your fiance.

marisah83 · August 2010

Her only job is to get a dress and show up for the wedding. BM's aren't required to be involved in planning. That is something that you and FI handle. I know you probably just want to share your excitement with her, but you can't expect anyone to be as excited as you are. As for the bbq, you already stated how hard it is for you to have weekends off...maybe scheduling is tough for her too? It really isn't necessary to get to know each others' families. If you want to have a party with your BMs, invite them, but don't get upset if some of them can't come.

Please don't ask her to step down as MOH. She's done nothing wrong.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

It sounds like she was a great bride, and you could probably learn a thing or two from how she handled her wedding.

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