Wedding Etiquette Forum

My son proposed to his girlfriend last night

I cannot believe it. My wonderful son, who is my world, has gotten engaged. I should be over the moon. I was for his older brother and sister when they each got engaged and married, but they chose good people. He is still so young, I fear he does not know her well enough, and not to mention this girl has her claws dug so deeply into my son, I could lose him forever.

I've known this girls mother since I was a teen/young adult. I used to babysit for her and she was evil and manipulative even as a child. When my son brought this womans daughter over my home for the first time, she was only in middle school, and I wanted to give her the kindess and care I knew she could not be getting from her own mother. I soon realized this girl was as bad or worse than her mother. She controls my son and everything he does. She has made him change jobs, move, stop talking to friends, and she has been rude right to my face, but of course not in front of him. I KNEW he would wisen up sooner or later, but he has not, and now she has finally made him propose. I know he did not do this on his own free will. What do I do? How do I get rid of this demon trying to take over my family?

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Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night

  • beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    You don't "get rid of this demon". You shut your mouth and deal with it. You pretend to like her and be nice and respectful to her. The more you push her away, the more you will push your son away and closer to her. Your son is an adult and is able to make his own decisions, whether you like it or not. 

    Do you know for a fact that "she made him propose"? Because to be honest, you're coming across as the crazy manipulative "demon". 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:7e7f7910-82e5-4206-85b6-d60d1bcd5f16">My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]I cannot believe it. My wonderful son, who is my world, has gotten engaged. I should be over the moon. I was for his older brother and sister when they each got engaged and married, but they chose good people. He is still so young, I fear he does not know her well enough, and not to mention this girl has her claws dug so deeply into my son, I could lose him forever. I've known this girls mother since I was a teen/young adult. I used to babysit for her and she was evil and manipulative even as a child. When my son brought this womans daughter over my home for the first time, she was only in middle school, and I wanted to give her the kindess and care I knew she could not be getting from her own mother. I soon realized this girl was as bad or worse than her mother. She controls my son and everything he does. <strong>She has made him</strong> change jobs, move, stop talking to friends, and she has been rude right to my face, but of course not in front of him. I KNEW he would wisen up sooner or later, but he has not, and now she has finally made him propose. I know he did not do this on his own free will. What do I do? <strong>How do I get rid of this demon trying to take over my family?
    </strong>Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    Unless she is actually abusive, she has not made your son do anything.  He has made his choices.  I understand that you don't agree with them, but he is old enough to make his own decisions.  Lots of people make bad decisions and they have to learn from them in their own time.  I'm not sure what you can do.  If your son is in love with this woman then anything you do to get "rid of this demon" is going to damage your relationship with your son.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    1) so you babysat her mom? Just want to get my timeline straight.

    2) You get one and only one "Coming to Jesus" type talk with your son on this topic. Did you waste it? I say you take him out on a mother-son date - to lunch or whatever. And explain that you love him and you are so excited for him to get married to the woman of his dreams, but is she the one he will be happy with forever? Is this truly what he wants? Mention that he's changed jobs, moved and lost some friends recently and you're wondering why (in one sentence) and gague his reaction. If he's receptive to it, just plant a seed (but it's not likely). If there's friction (which there probably will be - it's his fiancee), drop the subject. I cannot stress how important it is to drop the subject if he doesn't agree with you. It could potentially hurt your relationship with him.   (this would ideally take only 10 or 15 minutes to pan out) If it is his dream you have to be supportive of his decision to marry this girl.

    Don't feel the need to over extend yourself to help her our specifically and don't feel the need to be her friend. Kill her with kindness and grin and bear it.

    ETA: I didn't say quite what I meant

     It's like a bandaid type deal - get it done and overwith as fast as possible to what lies underneath.
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  • Unfortunately anything you do will be playing right into her hands. If she's that manipulative, don't you think that anything you say against her to your son will just be something she'll feed on to cause an estrangement?

    Your son is an adult. It's sad to think that he might have to learn the lesson about her the hard way, but there is nothing oyu can do, besides be outwardly non-judgemental so that he feels like he can turn to you if he wants out of his engagement/marriage.

    Perhaps if you can stomach is, kill her with kindness. Maybe her complaining about you being nothing but nice to her might wake him up. I think that's your only option. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:2381d2d7-6ab5-4d01-b950-a3c2c52a49d7">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : You don't. You smile and pretend to like her. Don't make him pick between the two of you, or he will pick her. Don't give her any reasons to dislike you or she will look reasonble when she doesn't want to have holidays with you because you make her uncomfortable.<strong> You will have to be perfect </strong>so that when she tries to create a wedge she will look like the bad guy instead of some poor young wife trying to stand up to the MIL from hell.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    This times 10000000x you cannot give her any reason to dislike you at all.
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  • Wait a minute...are you my future-mother-in-law? I could see her referring to me as a "demon taking over her family". 
  • How is it that she "made" him do those things?

    Do you suspect abuse, as in emotional abuse?
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  • I have been nothing but kind and welcoming to this girl from the beginning. I have always had a very close relationship with my son--not a hovering relationship, which is what I believe you all have picked up from my post. That is not the case. He has always been open and honest with me, so there was never any need for me to pry or hover. I am in utter shock because I can't believe he did not mention this engagement to me first. Do not misunderstand, that is not to say I am mad he did not tell me, it is just so unlike him. He has always been a "mama's boy" in that I have always been the first one he calls for anything. I know this changes, I have older children, I know how this all works normally. We are mother and son first, but have really developed quite a friendship, too. I am also not upset that he is getting married in general. Like I had said before, I was over the moon for my older son and daughter, I get along very well with their spouses. This girl is just truly a jealous, manipulative person.

    And to the person who asked, yes, I babysat this girls mother. Her mother is 10 years younger than me. My son is 1 year older than her daughter. There is an 8 and 10 year difference between the son I am writing about and my older children. Hope that clears that up.
  • There is nothing you can do other than continue to be sweat and kind to this person.  Anything else will mkae you looked like a MIL from hell ad push him even farther away from you.

    Sad, but true.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:f4cc4055-262d-4e7a-9647-8393cc4eaf8b">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]I<strong> have been nothing but kind and welcoming to this girl from the beginning.</strong> I have always had a very close relationship with my son--not a hovering relationship, which is what I believe you all have picked up from my post. That is not the case. He has always been open and honest with me, so there was never any need for me to pry or hover. I am in utter shock because I can't believe he did not mention this engagement to me first. Do not misunderstand, that is not to say I am mad he did not tell me, it is just so unlike him. He has always been a "mama's boy" in that I have always been the first one he calls for anything. I know this changes, I have older children, I know how this all works normally.<strong> We are mother and son first, but have really developed quite a friendship, too</strong>. I am also not upset that he is getting married in general. Like I had said before, I was over the moon for my <strong>older son and daughter,</strong> I get along very well with their spouses. This girl is just truly a jealous, manipulative person. And to the person who asked, yes, I babysat this girls mother. Her mother is 10 years younger than me. My son is 1 year older than her daughter. There is an 8 and 10 year difference between the son I am writing about and my older children. Hope that clears that up.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    Ohhh...  baby bird leaves the nest is making things worse.

    Continue to be kind and welcoming to this girl - It's your only hope for keeping the peace. Like I said, take him aside and confirm that this is what he wants - and tell him you just want him to truly be happy.

    if you do have the relationship you say you have with him, he will appreciate it **if** you change your attitude. Come with an "I love you and I want you to be truly happy" attitude rather than the "you're a devil woman" you attitude have now.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:f4cc4055-262d-4e7a-9647-8393cc4eaf8b">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been nothing but kind and welcoming to this girl from the beginning. I have always had a very close relationship with my son--not a hovering relationship, which is what I believe you all have picked up from my post. That is not the case. He has always been open and honest with me, so there was never any need for me to pry or hover.<strong> I am in utter shock because I can't believe he did not mention this engagement to me first.</strong> Do not misunderstand, that is not to say I am mad he did not tell me, it is just so unlike him. He has always been a "mama's boy" in that I have always been the first one he calls for anything. I know this changes, I have older children, I know how this all works normally. We are mother and son first, but have really developed quite a friendship, too. I am also not upset that he is getting married in general. Like I had said before, I was over the moon for my older son and daughter, I get along very well with their spouses. This girl is just truly a jealous, manipulative person. And to the person who asked, yes, I babysat this girls mother. Her mother is 10 years younger than me. My son is 1 year older than her daughter. There is an 8 and 10 year difference between the son I am writing about and my older children. Hope that clears that up.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]
    I thought he just proposed to her last night?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:f4cc4055-262d-4e7a-9647-8393cc4eaf8b">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been nothing but kind and welcoming to this girl from the beginning. I have always had a very close relationship with my son--not a hovering relationship, which is what I believe you all have picked up from my post. That is not the case. He has always been open and honest with me, so there was never any need for me to pry or hover. I am in utter shock because I can't believe he did not mention this engagement to me first. Do not misunderstand, that is not to say I am mad he did not tell me, it is just so unlike him. He has always been a "mama's boy" in that I have always been the first one he calls for anything. I know this changes, I have older children, I know how this all works normally. We are mother and son first, but have really developed quite a friendship, too. I am also not upset that he is getting married in general. Like I had said before, I was over the moon for my older son and daughter, I get along very well with their spouses. This girl is just truly a jealous, manipulative person. And to the person who asked, yes, I babysat this girls mother. Her mother is 10 years younger than me. My son is 1 year older than her daughter. There is an 8 and 10 year difference between the son I am writing about and my older children. Hope that clears that up.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    I have a question: Have you been open with him about your aversion to this girl? You said it was unlike him to mention to you he was going to propose? I would guess he knows you don't like her, so why share with you? If he had shared would you have tried to talk him out of it?

    Unless you don't want to be in his/their life, then go ahead and bash this girl all you want. All you'll be doing is pushing him away. My advice: fake a smile and give the girl a chance. It seems like you haven't and have some sort of resentment against her mother. Who knows you may end up actually liking this girl in the future.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:23cdc66a-7b56-4964-b7b7-a5357337fadb">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]How is it that she "made" him do those things? Do you suspect abuse, as in emotional abuse?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>She is a very smart and manipulative young lady. She didn't like how many female coworkers he had at his previous job, so she whined, stomped her feet, and threatened to leave until he got a new one. She made him think it was inappropriate to spend time with his single buddies, but then when some of them entered into exclusive relationships, she didn't want my son around their girlfriends and any female friends they could potentially bring around. His friends caught on, so she convinced him slowly over time to stop seeing them. One of those friends moved somewhat close to them soon after (within walking distance), and when my son and the boy started hanging out again, she made up some elaborate tale about how the friend had come on to her. She has faked illnesses, pregnancies, miscarriages, and anything else she can come up with to get her way. She is beautiful and charismatic, though, so she gets what she wants. I believe she is a sociopath. </div><div>
    </div><div>These are all things that I've either observed or heard through my older son and daughter (who now have very minimal contact with my youngest son, thanks to his lovely bride-to-be) or my sons friends.</div>
  • Okay, Momma, I get it. Really, this is a lot going on for everyone. Please listen to PPs. Don't make your son choose, because he's not going to choose you. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:4d915902-9d63-451f-b854-4be009a2103e">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : I thought he just proposed to her last night?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    I think she meant she would have expected him to tell his mother before he proposed to his girlfriend.  Which seems out of the ordinary, especially if OP and her son are close, but what if it was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:e4f4a290-5134-4d77-ad80-ede627edb8e3">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : She is a very smart and manipulative young lady. She didn't like how many female coworkers he had at his previous job, so she whined, stomped her feet, and threatened to leave until he got a new one. She made him think it was inappropriate to spend time with his single buddies, but then when some of them entered into exclusive relationships, she didn't want my son around their girlfriends and any female friends they could potentially bring around. His friends caught on, so she convinced him slowly over time to stop seeing them. One of those friends moved somewhat close to them soon after (within walking distance), <strong>and when my son and the boy started hanging out again</strong>, she made up some elaborate tale about how the friend had come on to her. She has faked illnesses, pregnancies, miscarriages, and anything else she can come up with to get her way. She is beautiful and charismatic, though, so she gets what she wants. I believe she is a sociopath.  These are all things that I've either observed or heard through my older son and daughter (who now have very minimal contact with my youngest son, thanks to his lovely bride-to-be) or my sons friends.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>You're referring to your adult son and his friends as "boys". Yes, she may not be your first choice for a partner for him, but it sounds like the bigger problem is you. </div>
  • I have never said or done anything to make him think I don't like her. I'm smart enough to know she will use that against me. 

    And Simply Fated, yes he did propose last night, but I'm assuming he knew sooner than yesterday, since he had the ring and a plan.
  • I agree with everyone but unless you suspect she is unfaithful or abusive, I don't even think you should try 1 "Come to Jesus" talk. My grandmother said she didn't like my FI before he proposed (my parents told her the proposal was coming after H asked for their blessing) and said he reminded her of her ex-H (who is a huge jerk). It nearly destroyed my relationship with her even though I knew she only wanted to help me. Dissing the person someone loves can be a relationship ending move. Don't risk it. Continue to be gracious to her and suck it up.
  • You do nothing.  You are his mother, not his keeper.  He is an adult and can make his own decisions and mistakes.  Unless you suspect abuse, you keep your mouth sut.  If you suspect abuse, you get one chance to talk to him and only if you feel that you are doing it for his safety.  

    My FI suspects that his sister's husband is abusive and had one and only one talk with her before she married this guy.  She utterly denied it all and said she was marrying him regardless of what anybody thought.  So we all put a smile on our faces and supported her.  If someday she comes to her senses, we will be there for her, but until then, we support her by being as kind and nice as possible.

    I don't care how evil or manipulative you think this girl is.  Your job as his mother is to keep a smile on your face and be peachy.  Go above and beyond and take the higher road.  Call the mother of the daughter and make nice- then you will always know you did good even if it all goes to hell in a handbag.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:e5dfa0fc-3595-4ee0-b208-8fed4aba0fda">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : <strong>You're referring to your adult son and his friends as "boys". </strong>Yes, she may not be your first choice for a partner for him, but it sounds like the bigger problem is you. 
    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

    <div>You've already stated that you have an issue with your Mother in Law. It seems as though you're projecting your issues with her onto me and my family. </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry you are having a tough time with her, I know how that can be, but I don't believe you are able to judge this situation with a clear, unbiased perspective. </div><div>
    </div><div>They've over 30 years younger than me and are constantly talking about "hot girls" (the single ones, anyway). Of course I still call them boys. I probably always will. It's a word.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:8dddd3cf-d5e0-41a3-bb04-f4fec0543f27">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]You do nothing.  You are his mother, not his keeper.  He is an adult and can make his own decisions and mistakes.  Unless you suspect abuse, you keep your mouth sut.  If you suspect abuse, you get one chance to talk to him and only if you feel that you are doing it for his safety.  <strong> My FI suspects that his sister's husband is abusive and had one and only one talk with her before she married this guy.  She utterly denied it all and said she was marrying him regardless of what anybody thought.  So we all put a smile on our faces and supported her. </strong> If someday she comes to her senses, we will be there for her, but until then, we support her by being as kind and nice as possible. I don't care how evil or manipulative you think this girl is.  Your job as his mother is to keep a smile on your face and be peachy.  Go above and beyond and take the higher road.  Call the mother of the daughter and make nice- then you will always know you did good even if it all goes to hell in a handbag.
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:1b743e12-021c-4454-ab50-96688179050d">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : You've already stated that you have an issue with your Mother in Law. It seems as though you're projecting your issues with her onto me and my family.  I'm sorry you are having a tough time with her, I know how that can be, but I don't believe you are able to judge this situation with a clear, unbiased perspective.  They've over 30 years younger than me and are constantly talking about "hot girls" (the single ones, anyway). Of course I still call them boys. I probably always will. It's a word.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    Wrong. Your "boy" is a man now. He is able to make his own decisions and unfortunately for you, you need to respect them. He doesn't need to make his life decisions to make you happy. Suck it up. Your in the wrong here
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:beefa4ce-590f-483e-b48a-6cdb0a80eff1">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have never said or done anything to make him think I don't like her. I'm smart enough to know she will use that against me.  And Simply Fated, yes he did propose last night, but I'm assuming he knew sooner than yesterday, since he had the ring and a plan.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]
    Okay, see... the engagement is between him and her. He doesn't need to tell you his every move beforehand and if you expect him to, then the problem is you, not her. I tell my best friend "everything" but that doesn't mean I tell her "everything."
    Do you get what I'm saying?
    This just isn't something he wanted to go to you with, first. Did you express to him your distaste for this girl? Then that, right there, is why he didn't go to you. Have you kept quiet about her? Then he didn't tell you because this was somethign he wanted to share with her first, not you.

    If you ask him to choose, he will not choose you. He hasn't thus far and nothing you say will change that because she will make you out to be the demon.

    Back off and let him have his relationship.

    I have another question... how far away did they move from you? And how close do they now live to her family?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:1b743e12-021c-4454-ab50-96688179050d">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : You've already stated that you have an issue with your Mother in Law. It seems as though you're projecting your issues with her onto me and my family.  I'm sorry you are having a tough time with her, I know how that can be, but I don't believe you are able to judge this situation with a clear, unbiased perspective.  They've over 30 years younger than me and are constantly talking about "hot girls" (the single ones, anyway). Of course I still call them boys. I probably always will. It's a word.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I'm not "projecting" at all, if anything, I'm using my own experiences to try to help you. My own fiance recently had a talk with his mother - telling her that if she can't be nice to me and respect me, then he will have to cut her out of his life. No visits, no holidays. He even said, "Maybe, MAYBE you'll get an invite to the wedding". I didn't tell him to do this and I hate that it came to this point, but he made it clear to her that he has chosen me to spend his life with.  Hopeully it won't get to this point with your son. I understand that you're being nice to her and I think that's really your only option. </div><div>
    </div><div>If she is as terrible as you say she is, the only person who can and will push her away or make her stop is your son. It's almost the same as one would treat an addict - no one can tell an alcoholic to stop drinking or that it's bad for them. They need to figure that out for themselves. Your son will ignore anyone telling him how terrible this girl is. He'll eventually figure it out for himself. </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but it appears that you still vew your son as a child and that you are entitled to have an opinion on his choices. You must choose your words wisely in an online format because every word will be judged. I learned that here. </div>
  • I agree with the PPs; this girl sounds like a horror and if she really has done everything that you say she has (not doubting you, but when you start hearing things from other people, there is always room for exaggeration and confusion), she might very well be a sociopath.  Still, you have to let him make his own choices.  My aunt was engaged to an absolute jerk and says that she probably wouldn't have let the relationship develop that far except that her mother made a huge deal about how much she hated him and my aunt felt like she had to defend him.

    Something you could suggest is that they get pre-marital counseling if it's not already required.  Saying, "Have you two considered pre-marital counseling?  I've heard so many wonderful things about it.  Apparently the marriage can start off much stronger if both people have already discussed how they might deal with future problems," wouldn't come off as negative or unsupportive and if they took your suggestion to heart, it might get your son to deeply consider if this girl is right for him.
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  • I think it's really difficult for mothers to let their youngest children grow up and make mistakes. If you don't let him make his own mistakes and learn from them on his own, he will never grow up, he will never be given the chance to be a better person. You can't coddle him, you have to trust that he is able to make decisions as an adult, and that if those decisions are incorrect, that he will eventually come to his senses. 

    I also feel compelled to point out that sometimes sons/daughters don't always tell their mothers what they've done to contribute to jealousy in their S/Os. Maybe your son has cheated on this girl, she forgave him, and now he feels guilty. I'm not saying that's what happened, but you just never know the whole story of someone's relationship until you're in it with them - which you never will be. You shouldn't assume you know the ins and outs of their relationship drama just because you're his mom. I might complain to my mom about other people's eff-ups, but I'm less inclined to go running to her everytime I eff up. 

    Some people like their relationships with a splash of drama. It's not my cup of tea, but you've got to let people have the kind of relationship they want to have. If your son wants to marry a drama queen, let him. 
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  • PhasedOutMomPhasedOutMom member
    First Comment
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:85906a2b-95f2-40d5-ae13-5adae32025a7">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : Okay, see... the engagement is between him and her. He doesn't need to tell you his every move beforehand and if you expect him to, then the problem is you, not her. I tell my best friend "everything" but that doesn't mean I tell her "everything." Do you get what I'm saying? This just isn't something he wanted to go to you with, first. Did you express to him your distaste for this girl? Then that, right there, is why he didn't go to you. Have you kept quiet about her? Then he didn't tell you because this was somethign he wanted to share with her first, not you. If you ask him to choose, he will not choose you. He hasn't thus far and nothing you say will change that because she will make you out to be the demon. Back off and let him have his relationship. I have another question... how far away did they move from you? And how close do they now live to her family?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I am "letting him have his relationship."</div><div>
    </div><div>I could have told him that he couldn't see her anymore when they were minors, in high school, and he still lived under my roof. I didn't do it because it wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and they would have still seen each other behind my back, forcing him to be dishonest with me. I could have said she was not welcome in my home anymore after she got him to drop out of college when she claimed she was pregnant, and then nearly pushed him into a nervous breakdown when she told him she had a miscarriage. Then confused the hell out of him when he found out the whole pregnancy was a lie. I did not, because I did not want him to feel isolated from his family. I could give a whole book of more examples, but I just don't care to feel my blood pressure raise any higher. My point being, I fail to see how I am the bad guy or in the wrong here. I'm not threatening to take anything from him, I'll still contribute to the wedding, and I'll continue to be kind and welcoming to her. I really fail to see how any of you can take her side.</div><div>
    </div><div>Her mother does not live far from me, although I'm not sure exactly where, and I honestly don't know who they live closer to. I really don't care. I'm annoyed that her jealousy cost him his security deposit and a few months rent.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:4bb7ebd3-5544-4947-af74-2a4307f64bf5">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : I'm not "projecting" at all, if anything, I'm using my own experiences to try to help you. My own fiance recently had a talk with his mother - telling her that if she can't be nice to me and respect me, then he will have to cut her out of his life. No visits, no holidays. He even said, "Maybe, MAYBE you'll get an invite to the wedding". I didn't tell him to do this and I hate that it came to this point, but he made it clear to her that he has chosen me to spend his life with.  Hopeully it won't get to this point with your son. I understand that you're being nice to her and I think that's really your only option.  If she is as terrible as you say she is, the only person who can and will push her away or make her stop is your son. It's almost the same as one would treat an addict - no one can tell an alcoholic to stop drinking or that it's bad for them. They need to figure that out for themselves. Your son will ignore anyone telling him how terrible this girl is. He'll eventually figure it out for himself.  I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but it appears that you still vew your son as a child and that you are entitled to have an opinion on his choices. You must choose your words wisely in an online format because every word will be judged. I learned that here. 
    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well I apologize then. I read your post in the wrong tone. I do understand your addiction comparison--I see a lot of similarities. </div><div>
    </div><div>I DO still view my son as a child, in some ways, and I think I always will. Not in the respect that I believe I need a say in his decisions (although I certainly wouldn't mind if he asked!), because I certainly did not ask my parents for permission at his age. Normally I have always been a more laid back parent, never really got dramatic about much, and then I had mellowed even more by the time I had him, as I had already been a parent for 10 years, but I truly fear for him with this girl.</div>
  • Well if you are a close as you state you are then maybe he didnt tell you because he sensed your feelings toward her.  And just because you do not agree with this girl then you really need to ask yourself if your son is truly happy if so then you need to suck it up and be happy for him even if she isnt who you want for him.  Also you say that she made him do this and that no he chose to do those things even if you dont see it that way.  Love makes you do things you normally do not do and I dated a mom's boy they are the HARDEST  to date which I have dated 2 in my life and now engaged to one however the difference this time is the umbilical cord is not attached and she supports his decisions even if she doesnt agree!  Best of luck and maybe you should really be honest about how you feel instead of self torchering yourself.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:f25df345-31a7-4401-8f15-578caed95aca">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : I am "letting him have his relationship." I could have told him that he couldn't see her anymore when they were minors, in high school, and he still lived under my roof. I didn't do it because it wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and they would have still seen each other behind my back, forcing him to be dishonest with me. I could have said she was not welcome in my home anymore after she got him to drop out of college when she claimed she was pregnant, and then nearly pushed him into a nervous breakdown when she told him she had a miscarriage. Then confused the hell out of him when he found out the whole pregnancy was a lie. I did not, because I did not want him to feel isolated from his family. I could give a whole book of more examples, but I just don't care to feel my blood pressure raise any higher. My point being, I fail to see how I am the bad guy or in the wrong here. I'm not threatening to take anything from him, I'll still contribute to the wedding, and I'll continue to be kind and welcoming to her. <strong>I really fail to see how any of you can take her side.</strong> Her mother does not live far from me, although I'm not sure exactly where, and I honestly don't know who they live closer to. I really don't care. I'm annoyed that her jealousy cost him his security deposit and a few months rent.
    Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

    We're trying to look at this situation objectively. (or at least I am) We're only hearing your side and not her side. We only have your word to go on. We can jump in and say, "OMG she's terrible, tell your son to dump her and move back home!" But that wouldn't help you in the long run. It might make you feel better to read those sort of comments, though. She does sound horrible, but with only your word to go on, it's hard to pass judgement, especially when we don't even know the whole story.

    You were right not to keep them apart when they were younger because, yeah, he could still sneak around and see her. And it's the same way now that he's older. you can tell him how awful she is, but it will make you look like the demon to him.

    You want bad advice? Set her up. Have him hide in another room eavesdropping and strike up a conversation with her. Let her give herself away as a manipulative hellspawn.
    It worked for my aunt and uncle. My aunt (my uncle's gf at the time) claimed that behind closed doors my grandmother was awful to her. So, she made my uncle eavesdrop in another room, instigated an argument and my uncle got to hear firsthand how <em>awful </em>my grandmother is. Worked for her. My uncle took my aunt's side. Of course, no one else in the family likes my aunt because they think she's the manipulative one for starting the fight, so there's that.
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