Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?

Srbageldog · July 2010

I am just so frustrated with everything. Our wedding date is 15 months away, and other than the fact that I've decided on a dress (which I haven't bought yet) and a minister, we have nothing else planned. (Btw, the FI wrinkles his nose at the minister I have chosen, simply because the guy is Wiccan- even though he won't mention any dieties in the ceremony unless we request him too- I might add this man is a very nice person and close friends with my brother. I would rather have someone that I know marry us than a complete stranger.) Anytime I try discussing wedding ideas with my FI he gets weird and says "Well we have plenty of time to discuss that later." He wants to wait until I have found a better job and have bought myself a car before even discussing wedding topics. He doesn't want to help plan anything- but when I tell him what I have decided on, he gets disagreeable. Well, he's not giving me any input!! We've been engaged for 2 1/2 years, still no engagement ring (which he promised he would get me- I have a feeling he's been holding out on buying one because he doesn't think I deserve it.) I am very upset and stressed over everything. It is very hard to find jobs in our area, and without having a car it makes it more difficult. The job I currently work at is sh*t and I can never save any money as it all goes toward bills. So I'm wondering, what if I don't have a "better job or car" by our wedding date? Is there not going to be a wedding? I didn't think marriage soley depended on what job a person has. My FI works sh*t jobs too, (2 of them), but I have never told him "well I won't marry you unless you quit working 2 jobs and get one really good job that makes more money." I basically put my career on hold (I am a writer, and have had one novel published, but it wasn't successful. I took a minimum wage job in order to be able to move in with FI, and my writing got put on the back burner.) He is pretty much unsympathetic to the fact that my dream is basically dying, because his dream of being a rockstar (like, who didn't dream of that?) never came true (it never even went past the dream stage!) My writing career was starting to go somewhere and then stopped. Writing is a full time job, but it doesn't always pay. The job I currently have has sucked all the creativity out of me, and has interfered with my goals.

Also, I sometimes get the feeling that FI expects me to pay for the entire wedding. Which will be impossible. I'm supposed to magically save up for a car and a wedding within less than 15 months? Working a minimum wage job with sh*t hours- when I can barely afford to pay the rent? Meanwhile he blows his extra money on stupid stuff. We keep our finances separate, and he works and earns way more than I do. I know he has quite a bit saved up, but that is HIS money. Whatever I earn goes directly to bills with usually very little left over, while he is able to pay his half of the bills fine with extra to blow on himself. He never offers to help me out financially, and he complains if I am not able to pay my entire half and he has to put more toward it. But isn't that what couples do? Shouldn't we be working as a unit, a team? Because I don't feel that we are, and this is really, really depressing me, and making me wonder if we should even get married. I honestly thought the vows were "For better or for worse, For richer or poorer," Not, "only if you find a decent job before then."

I realise this is probably a bit rambly, and I apologize, but I just needed to vent. FI's lack of enthusiasm over marrying me is really getting to me. Why the hell did he even propose if he didn't mean it?

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:9659e115-e517-4e18-afff-54426b8314ac">Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am just so frustrated with everything. Our wedding date is 15 months away, and other than the fact that I've decided on a dress (which I haven't bought yet) and a minister, we have nothing else planned. (Btw, the FI wrinkles his nose at the minister I have chosen, simply because the guy is Wiccan- even though he won't mention any dieties in the ceremony unless we request him too- I might add this man is a very nice person and close friends with my brother. I would rather have someone that I know marry us than a complete stranger.) Anytime I try discussing wedding ideas with my FI he gets weird and says "Well we have plenty of time to discuss that later." He wants to wait until I have found a better job and have bought myself a car before even discussing wedding topics. He doesn't want to help plan anything- but when I tell him what I have decided on, he gets disagreeable. Well, he's not giving me any input!! We've been engaged for 2 1/2 years, still no engagement ring (which he promised he would get me- I have a feeling he's been holding out on buying one because he doesn't think I deserve it.) I am very upset and stressed over everything. It is very hard to find jobs in our area, and without having a car it makes it more difficult. The job I currently work at is sh*t and I can never save any money as it all goes toward bills. So I'm wondering, what if I don't have a "better job or car" by our wedding date? Is there not going to be a wedding? I didn't think marriage soley depended on what job a person has. My FI works sh*t jobs too, (2 of them), but I have never told him "well I won't marry you unless you quit working 2 jobs and get one really good job that makes more money." I basically put my career on hold (I am a writer, and have had one novel published, but it wasn't successful. I took a minimum wage job in order to be able to move in with FI, and my writing got put on the back burner.) He is pretty much unsympathetic to the fact that my dream is basically dying, because his dream of being a rockstar (like, who didn't dream of that?) never came true (it never even went past the dream stage!) My writing career was starting to go somewhere and then stopped. Writing is a full time job, but it doesn't always pay. The job I currently have has sucked all the creativity out of me, and has interfered with my goals. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that FI expects me to pay for the entire wedding. Which will be impossible. I'm supposed to magically save up for a car and a wedding within less than 15 months? Working a minimum wage job with sh*t hours- when I can barely afford to pay the rent? Meanwhile he blows his extra money on stupid stuff. We keep our finances separate, and he works and earns way more than I do. I know he has quite a bit saved up, but that is HIS money. Whatever I earn goes directly to bills with usually very little left over, while he is able to pay his half of the bills fine with extra to blow on himself. He never offers to help me out financially, and he complains if I am not able to pay my entire half and he has to put more toward it. But isn't that what couples do? Shouldn't we be working as a unit, a team? Because I don't feel that we are, and this is really, really depressing me, and making me wonder if we should even get married. I honestly thought the vows were "For better or for worse, For richer or poorer, " Not, "only if you find a decent job before then." I realise this is probably a bit rambly, and I apologize, but I just needed to vent. FI's lack of enthusiasm over marrying me is really getting to me. <strong>Why the hell did he even propose if he didn't mean it?</strong>
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]
Honestly, from what you've said here, he probably didn't. If I were you, I'd offer to just go to the courthouse. If he still balks at that, he doesn't want to marry you and you should move on.

If you do want to try to stick it out, you should both get into couples counseling ASAP. Because you're right, couples don't work that way. And I've long held that anyone who has the slightest bit of doubt about getting married shouldn't go through with it until they've settled that doubt.

M&R7111 · July 2010

#1 - besides booking a venue 12 months out, you don't need to plan that much in advance. Give him some space. Also, because money is tight, he might not want to discuss planning b/c it stresses him out.

#2 - you both need to work on communicating about money and how to spend it. From what I hear "money is the #1 argument between couples". Even if you can afford the wedding, I wouldn't have one until you both became able to discuss how and when to spend money as a couple because there are going to be more expensive issues later in life.

I have the same questions going through my head - will this wedding happen - because FI had been laid off over 2 years ago and is now only partially employed. We struggle to keep the house, let alone save for a wedding in less than 12 months. But we work at it together. We both budget. We rarely go out ('cept tonight because TGIFridays is having a buy-on-get-one dinner night!!)

If your FI and you are having trouble working together, counseling might help.

Tasianab · July 2010

Wow....I am really sorry for you, that totally sounds awful. Since you've already been engaged for 2 and half years and he is holding things over your head already, I would either consider counseling or calling it quits. I don't see where you mentioned one redeeming quality about him or your relationship and that, to me, is worrisome...

tidetravel · July 2010

To be honest, you have no business planning a wedding right now. From the way you make it sound, the two of you have a lot of issues to get through before you ever make it to the altar. These things aren't going to magically get better once you say, "I do."

The lack of support, empathy, and his controlling demeanor are just 3 of the red flags that are apparent in this post. Seek counseling or get out. Whatever you do, stop with the wedding planning until the two of you are a team.

brilibby4 · July 2010

I skimmed that but my advice is to talk to your FI. Do not fight with him but sit down and have a calm and mature discussion about both of your thoughts and expectations about finances, the wedding, and your relationship. Communication is very important and you shouldn't have to play a guessing game to know what your FI is thinking. Many people don't enjoy wedding planning but he should be able to talk with you about his likes/dislikes. You need to tell him how you are feeling and ask him if he still wants to get married. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I skimmed, but it sounds like your FI is a jerk. Not getting a ring because you don't "deserve" it? What does that even mean? He won't help with bills but blows money for his own interests? Real winner you have there.

I say put the wedding on hold until you two work out your problems. Couples' counseling is the way to go in this case.

SarahPLiz · July 2010

Tide is right, and this is not the first time you have posted about his controlling, uncompassionate behavior. I don't know about you, but his actions don't seem like love to me. Please don't settle for someone who doesn't want to share his whole life and resources with you. You are right, you are a unit, but if you are the only one that thinks that way, it won't work.

It seems like you are trying very hard to be who he wants you to be and to keep the peace in your home, and he is not making you feel good about ANYTHING, including yourself. This is a dead end street. You deserve better, and you shouldn't be the only one trying to hold your relationship together.

Srbageldog · July 2010

He helps with bills, he just doesn't like paying more than his half. He's constantly having to cover what I can't afford. I feel like HE'S doing ok financially, but I am poor. We have had problems in the past but we've always worked through them. I'm mainly just frustrated because the job search hasn't been going so well, I worked my ass off last Spring to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education so I can teach preschool, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. I'm still stuck at the same sh*t job and I desperately want out of it. He thinks I should suck it up and stay there until I find something else (god knows when that will be) but I am miserable there. I want things to get better so we can start planning the wedding.

He is a good guy at heart, just very frustrating because he doesn't really like discussing serious topics (such as finances and the future). He is fun to be around and for the most part he treats me well. He doesn't hit me, doesn't verbally abuse me, doesn't cheat on me. He tries to be supportive of my writing but he wants me to stay realistic. I think past life experiences have made him very cautious and mistrusting when it comes to relationships. I know marriage scares him, but he was the one who proposed.

I think, with the ring, he's afraid he's going to go out and blow a lot of money on a piece of jewelry and then something is going to happen and we'll break up, and he'll have wasted his money. Which makes me feel great, knowing he has that much faith in me and our relationship. Sometimes I feel I get stuck with sh*t because of his last two ex's, who both took advantage of him and completely messed his life up. He's lost everything he's had twice, and I think he is worried it will happen again.

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:f69884d7-7a37-4ec3-914a-0446f74fb2f5">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]He helps with bills, he just doesn't like paying more than his half. He's constantly having to cover what I can't afford. I feel like HE'S doing ok financially, but I am poor. We have had problems in the past but we've always worked through them. I'm mainly just frustrated because the job search hasn't been going so well, I worked my ass off last Spring to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education so I can teach preschool, but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. I'm still stuck at the same sh*t job and I desperately want out of it. He thinks I should suck it up and stay there until I find something else (god knows when that will be) but I am miserable there. I want things to get better so we can start planning the wedding. He is a good guy at heart, just very frustrating because he doesn't really like discussing serious topics (such as finances and the future). He is fun to be around and for the most part he treats me well. He doesn't hit me, doesn't verbally abuse me, doesn't cheat on me. He tries to be supportive of my writing but he wants me to stay realistic. I think past life experiences have made him very cautious and mistrusting when it comes to relationships. I know marriage scares him, but he was the one who proposed. I think, with the ring, he's afraid he's going to go out and blow a lot of money on a piece of jewelry and then something is going to happen and we'll break up, and he'll have wasted his money. Which makes me feel great, knowing he has that much faith in me and our relationship. Sometimes I feel I get stuck with sh*t because of his last two ex's, who both took advantage of him and completely messed his life up. He's lost everything he's had twice, and I think he is worried it will happen again. :/
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

Dude. Counseling. Seriously.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

The last thing you should be doing is justifying his behavior. I went back and reread some of your old posts, and my opinion of him hasn't changed. I still think he's an ass and you deserve better. Once you start believing that, you'll stop making excuses for him.

trix1223 · July 2010

Sorry, because I know you're not going to like what I have to say.

When I consider this current post,
AND this one:

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unrealistic-expectations

AND this one:
http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sticky-situation-family

I think you need to start wrapping your head around the fact that, IMO, he isn't going to marry you. He doesn't have to. He treats you badly, he's controlling, and he lacks any compassion, but you keep on going back because you "love" him, and sometimes he's a good guy.

You've invested a lot of time in this relationship, and it hasn't moved forward. Your family can see it. Your friends can see it. Even internet strangers can see it. There's just one person who can't.

I think you need counseling to see that you deserve better. Walking away is going to be hard, but I honestly believe it's in your best interest. How many conditions are you willing to accept to get married. Because I can promise you that every single time you meet one condition, he'll throw a new one your way.

Good luck, hun. I know you think you love him. But sadly, I don't think he loves you the same way.

brilibby4 · July 2010

Wow I take back my advice about talking to him about the wedding. You definitely have bigger issues to deal with. Take it from someone who has dated a few jerks, relationships that are worth it are not that hard. They just aren't! Yes, there are compromises and problems to deal with but not to the point that you should feel the need to ask for advice on here multiple times. I understand your FI's concerns because of past relationship problems because I have been there as well. However, adults learn to move on from the past. You two will never have a solid relationship if he is unable to trust you with finances and future life plans. It sounds like you are trying your best to help out financially. It would be one thing if you were happily unemployed but working a crappy job AND trying to apply to other places of employment makes me think he needs to be a little more understanding. My FI went without a job for a few months and it was frustrating but because I knew how badly he felt about it and how hard he was trying to find a job I had no problem helping pay his share of the bills. I agree counseling or a breakup are necessary for you.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

My husband and I maintain mostly separate finances and split the bills evenly, but if one of us is having issues (say, when he's on commission and work is slow), the other helps pick up the slack without question. There shouldn't be a sense that the two of you operate in separate financial spheres.

If he isn't buying the ring because he thinks you *might* break up, he's waiting for that to happen. Seriously, I don't think it can possibly be any clearer.

HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.

If he did, he wouldn't be hedging his bets and keeping an exit open. Stop making excuses for himi, find some self esteem, and get out.

emarston1 · July 2010

[QUOTE]He is fun to be around and for the most part he treats me well. He doesn't hit me, doesn't verbally abuse me, doesn't cheat on me.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]
If this is the best thing you can say about him, then run. Just because he doesn't abuse you or cheat on you, doesn't mean he's a great guy.

ETA: I saw in one of your other posts that you had kissed another guy and this lead to trust issues in your relationship. He may say he has forgiven you but it doesn't sound like he has. While I don't condone all of his behavior, I also can't fault the guy for not trusting you completely. Although, if you don't trust each other, you have no business getting married.

I still think you should get out of the relationship but if you're not ready, at least seek counseling. Either together or by yourself but you should definitely see someone.

spechtholdn · July 2010

Based on all of the post together, you two definately have A LOT of issues to face. It seems as if you just don't work together. Just because you have been in a relationship for almost 3 years is no reason to stay. Based on your wedding date (11/11/11) being your 4 year anniversary and you saying in the current post that you have been engaged for 2 1/2 years it seems you may have gotten engaged a little too soon in the relationship. Him blowing up at little things his obviously his frustrations about other issues coming out. This does not seem like a healthy relationship from what you have expressed. You two will probably be better off calling it quits or calling off an engagement until ALL current problems are resolved.

JoyTate1 · July 2010

I know a lot of guys who are fun to be around. I don't want to marry them. Merely not being abusive and not cheating are not the only qualities someone you are marrying should have. He should be supportive, and you know, WANT to marry you. How did this proposal go down. It seems like it was something he said to satisfy you with no thought of actually marrying you. There should be no ultimatums about getting married, especially if you are already engaged.

Also, I personally don't think the ring should be the his "now it's real" moment, when he asked you to marry him is when it should be real. Just because he hasn't given you a ring doesn't mean if you break up things will be easy.

santamonicabeachbride · July 2010

A few basic thoughts:

You should not have given up on your dreams/career aspirations for the situation you are in. You seem to already be resentful and that will only get worse. You don't seem to feel great about yourself (Someone with good self worth wouldn't be/stay in your situation). I say focus the energy you have been spending on the "wedding" and on being upset about him and instead go make yourself happy and proud. (The person you're engaged to should also be happy and proud in himself and in you.)

I say move out. Get yourself in good shape (job, etc). Either he'll raise up to your new way of living or you'll find someone more suited to a better you.

I personally don't think he did propose. A lot of people talk about getting married, but until there is a ring (which by the way could be a $5.00 ring from Target!) it's not official. Sorry, but you can deserve better than this!

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

This whole post is one big red flag. What I am going to say may hurt, but I think it's for the best in the long run: Get out. Now. Counseling will only put a band-aid on these issues, which surely flare up even worse once you guys actually get married.

Apparently he's not even in this whole-heartedly, if you say he's afraid to "blow money on an engagement ring in the event that you guys break up." What guy thinks that when planning on proposing to a woman?

Being with him has, as you said, "sucked the creativity out of you." You should be engaged to a man who nurtures your dreams and encourages you to follow them, not one that makes you miserable.

Please consider what we are saying here, and please don't justify his a-hole behavior.

jordykh · July 2010

you need to move on.
Marriage is not going to fix a single problem you have, only make it worse.
Justifying his behavior is even worse.
If your husband doesn't support your dreams, WHO WILL?

megk8oz · July 2010

Honestly, you've posted multiple times already, and the more you talk about your FI, the less I think he actually wants to marry you, or that you actually deserve him. That might not be what you want to hear, but seriously, I've yet to read a post from you in this, or any other thread, where he sounds like somebody you should spend the rest of your life with.

He won't buy you a ring, because you "don't deserve it", even though it would mean a lot to you and you've been engaged for over 2 years. Yes, you can be engaged without a ring, but I always feel that if a girl wants an e-ring, she should have one. It doesn't have to be incredibly expensive, but if a ring really means a lot to a girl, at the very least the guy should be willing to drop $20 at Wal Mart for one. Just because if he loves her,and he should want to show her that he'll try to make her happy.

He threatens to "not marry you" every time you have a fight. Even though you don't fight a lot, that is an incredibly low blow. Nobody that's engaged should make a threat like that even once.

He bitches if he has to dip into his fun money if you can't afford your entire 1/2 of the bills. What the hell kind of relationship is this? DH makes a lot more money than me, and yes, we have household bills split. But we split based on income, not an out-right 50/50. Because if we did it that way, I'd never have money for anything. As our salaries have changed over the past few years, we've made tweaks to who covers what, but we keep things very fair. And while I am married, this is how we've handled our bills since the moment we got engaged.

That's great that he "doesn't hit you" and that you "have fun together" ... but that's hardly criteria to base spending the rest of your lives together on. My ex was a lot of fun: we constantly went to concerts and amusement parks. And he never hit me. But that hardly justified the fact that he was emotionally manipulative and sexually abusive. He constantly told me he loved me, and for several years, I believed it. But the truth was, if he loved me, he wouldn't have made me feel like crap all the time. How do I know this? After we finally broke up, I met somebody that actually loved me. And not once has he made me feel like I, or our relationship, wasn't a priority to him.

Part of why I put up with my ex's bs for so long was because he was my first serious relationship and the guy I lost my virginity to. I didn't know it didn't have to be that way. I didn't know that being in the right relationship actually isn't that hard. I didn't know it really could be better. But it got to a point where I was feeling so trapped, alone and miserable, that being alone seemed to be a way better option. When I finally got into a healthy relationship, I was able to see that while, yes, you need to work at it, it doesn't have to be a one-man show of jumping through endless hoops. There is mutual love and respect. I'm not saying we're perfect, but it's a billion times better and easier than what I had ... and we're both happy together.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I know that we're only getting the information you provide us with ... but it doesn't sound like he wants to get married. He constantly gives you ultimatums and tries to bring you down. If you actually do manage to get married (Which, it really sounds like he's doing everything in his power to avoid), I don't foresee things getting any better and you actually being happy "for as long as you both shall live".

Get relationship counseling. Like yesterday. If he's not willing to go to counseling, please at least entertain the idea that you can do so much better than this guy, and possibly find it in your heart to move on to somebody that's actually worthy of you.

Best of wishes.

coreybride127 · July 2010

Honey, I'm sorry but you can do much better......start focusing on your own life, finding a job that makes you happy...and a guy who makes you happy...this one is not going to marry you....and you'll be happier in the long run when you find someone who can't live without you.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

I talked with DH about this on our way home from the grocery store, and he had a bit of insight from the male perspective.

First, for most guys, the ring DOES make it real, even though it is possible to be engaged without one. So while you consider yourselves engaged, it's entirely possible that he does not, and has not for the past two years. Does he refer to you as his fiancee? To other people?

Secondly, he said that it sounds like your FI is the kind of guy who doesn't want to be alone, but he thinks he can do better. So he'll keep stringing you along, but he wants to keep his options open so he can "upgrade" when possible.

Mainly he agrees that you should be the one to leave before he does, because sooner or later, he's going to.

NillaWafer10 · July 2010

I'm so sorry. It is really hard to know what a healthy relationship is like without ever having been in one. Do your parents have a good marriage? Sometimes it's easy to feel like dysfunction is normal when it's all you know. A good marriage/relationship should make you feel secure and loved.

If you feel really invested in this relationship, then you should probably start counseling at the very least. Maybe you should even try to date some other people to see if he is really the one. Usually I'm not an advocate for the previous suggestion, but it might allow you to get a fresh perspective.

Remember, this is the best your FI is going to be. Our faults and flaws only get exaggerated as the years go by.

SarahPLiz · July 2010

I have probably told you this before, but I wasted 6 years of my life in what is basically your relationship, except I made more money. I know what it feels like to never be good enough, even though you know you should be. I know how it feels to be comfortable with the dysfunction.

However, I can tell you now that there is life that isn't that darn hard, emotionally. My relationship with FI is a total 180 from my ex. I actually feel loved and respected, and that I am way more than good enough for him. Our relationship is easy, and problems are solvable through communication, because we actually respect each other, and value each other's views and opinions.

I think you need to leave while you can, before you are legally tied down. Be on your own for a while and see how good it can feel to be good enough..

luckyme502 · July 2010

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you guys have bigger problems that you need to concentrate on before you even think about a wedding. From what you posted, I'm not sure you and your FI are at a place you should get married. I lost my job in December, and started planning the wedding in January and are getting married in 13 days. I still don't have a job. FI has been very supportive, both emotionally and financially. It is all our money, since we live together and are getting married. We keep separate accounts, but FI pays all the bills.

You need to make sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who, from what you have posted, isn't very supportive and doesn't seem to treat you very well.

quotequeen · July 2010

He thinks I should suck it up and stay there until I find something else (god knows when that will be) but I am miserable there.

I think he's afraid that if he marries you, you will quit your job, and he will have to support you completely while you "follow your dreams." The comment about the rock band is evidence that he thinks your dream is equally unrealistic. (Which, since you said your novel wasn't successful, might be true.) When you're a couple, sure you support each other if the other person hits a rough patch, but if the other person HAS a paying job, and wants to quit without something else lined up and contribute nothing, that's a choice so it's a very different matter. And why is it that you can't always pay your share of the bills? If your salary covers them, and that's your agreement, then are you unable to keep up your end of the deal due to true emergencies every time, or are you sometimes buying things you can't really afford?

This may sound harsh, but I don't think your FI is entirely in the wrong here. Regardless, though, it sounds like you two are just not a good match.

tldh · July 2010

I've gotta agree with Quote Queen here. If the two of you weren't together, how, exactly would you be supporting yourself as a writer? It sounds to me like he's scared to death you're looking to live off of him. What are you going to do if your career as a novelist does not take off? IF he's really the jerk you are making him out to be, why are you still with him (he's probably asking this same question). These are questions you have to answer because this is real life and the both of you have to be real adults and you especially have to be honest in your answers.

The economy sucks and if you have any job you have to be grateful. Your FI is correct when he says to stick it out until you get a better job. It's no joke that it's easier to find a job when you already have one. He's also correct that you have to be realistic about having a career as a novelist. Every English major is a wannabe novelist and you said your first novel was not a success.

When I moved in with FI, it was after a hard decision that, in the long run, it would be easier for me to start over on the east coast because FI's career requires him to be here. He used to commute from Ohio and it led to a breakup at one point. I didn't have a job when I moved and found out that I have to sit for another bar exam because I didn't have enough practice time to just waive in - an eleven month delay in plans if I pass on the first try. Even though I'm a licensed attorney in the midwest (and turned down two Ohio firms in the last couple of months who wanted me to move back and chair departments), I took a sales job to be able to put some money towards my bills without running out of savings so FI wouldn't have to kick in his money - even though he refers to it as our money. I'm doing this while planning a September wedding and sitting for the July bar exam.

I just think it sounds like you are expecting the fairy tale ending where the man rides in and rescues you from your unhappy and unprofitable professional life. Sorry if this sounds harsh but look at this from FI's point of view.

Like Tide said - counseling NOW

jelique7 · July 2010

Its sad that you said "he treats me good for the most part" those words IMO are setting yourself up for a very sad life with a very sad person. He sounds like he dose not trust in you or your relationship and he is being dragged into marriage and you are not realizing that he is kicking and screaming the whole way. Like they say love makes you blind, he might love you but it dose not sound like he is in love with you and its time to open your eyes and make the best decision for YOU.

break-ups are hard but everything happens for a reason and this will lead to a better relationship where you will find someone who loves you completely and is willing to be the other part of the team you are looking for!
get out while you can

good luck!

riverjib · July 2010

I hate to say this, but you don't sound like you belong together. I was engaged once to a guy who was equally controlling, and who undermined me as a person. He's probably the only person (ex-boyfriends included) who I have no interest in ever talking to again, or even finding out how he is doing. He was manipulative and awful.

Prior to meeting my FH, I've always had good relationships that just didn't work out because we were not compatible and/or wanted different things. So while something felt "off" with this guy, it took a long time for me to realize that he was emotionally abusive. Fortunately, I figured it out before we committed to any wedding plans. The situation was eerily similar to yours.

I know nothing about you, and my advice is based only on what you posted here. Anyone who proposes, and then puts conditions on your marriage doesn't accept you for who you are. Placing those conditions is his way of controlling you. So my advice is to get out NOW.

glam70s · July 2010

It seems as though he proposed to keep you around, but isn't at all committed to the follow-through. Just like a girl telling a guy she's pregnant so that he'll stick around longer.

Personally, in this situation, look to your family and friends. It's easy to rationalize that "they would like him if they really knew him", but at some point you'll likely realize that they were right all along and you were too blind to see it. An outside perspective can do wonders.

I do also agree that you do need to stick it out at your current job until you find another. Not only will having less money make things more stressful, this man will definitely resent you even more than he currently does if you force him into paying all of the bills.

The point that struck me the most about your posts is that he doesn't cheat or abuse you. That does NOT, in ANY WAY, mean that he's a great guy. Also, by the way, it does sounds like he is emotionally abusive. Not just occasionally, but consistently, based on your other post about how you feel like you need to pussyfoot around him all the time.

This is a terrible situation. Get out now. You need a real relationship to teach you how terrible this one is.

Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?

Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?

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