Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette

boo his · January 2012

Is it appropriate to send the link to your wedding website to friends and family before the invitations go out?

I got engaged on Christmas Eve (this year) and we are getting married on April 28..it is a destination wedding! I included all hotel & registry information on the website, and I am using it as a "save the date" type of site so my guests can get a head start on booking hotel rooms for our event!

We will also be sending out a small card with the website address in our formal invitation.

We are doing a honeymoon registry as well, so I want to make sure I'm going about everything the right way in the world of Etiquette!

baystateapple · January 2012

Ditto Edie...I would not do a honeymoon registry, they are considered rude by etiquette standards.

Putting your web address in your STDs is fine.

dumdumfroggie · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-website-honeymoon-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0fb2349-f983-43fc-aa8a-fb39f2e1a825Post:0fe23abd-9bb5-4db2-ad95-9e39a5153278">Re: Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette : 1. Put it on the Save the Dates 2.<strong> Having a HMR is not okay. </strong> It's rude to ask people to pay for your vacation, so you are not doing right by the world of etiquette.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly, especially the bolded part.</div>

amymaysa · January 2012

Like others have said, a HMR is not okay.. If you are having a DW, are you taking an additional honeymoon or is it part of the DW?
To me, it's even worse to have a HMR if you are using it essentially towards part of your DW. But that's just me.

redheadfsu · January 2012

Ditto everyone else. A honeymoon registry is rude and tacky. Please don't do it.

Plus many guests don't understand them (That they are not buying you the dinner, spa day, or trip. That instead they are just giving a company money, said company has fees, and the couple gets a check for 10%-15% less than then the original gift).

Habs2Hart · January 2012

Yes, as PP have pointed out, HM registries are very rude. It's basically the same as registering for cash, which is a big no no.

It's fine to put your registry information on your website (traditional registries) and it's fine to put your website address in your invitations and on a save the date. I wouldn't publish the website via facebook or another social site. That's just asking for all sorts of problems.

ootmother2 · January 2012

You were doing great until that last paragraph!
GL

Snippylynn · January 2012

Noooooooooooooo! Not the dreaded honeymoon registry!!!

Think about it: You are having your wedding as a destination. Your guests are shelling out big bucks to GO to this destination, and then you are asking them for CASH on top of that?

*glare*

chelseamb11 · January 2012

Agreed on the no HMR. I'm guessing you don't want to have a registry of huge gifts as you are having a DW, but most people aren't going to bring big-sized gifts to a DW anyway because of baggage.

boo his · January 2012

Thanks everyone for your honesty. Our view on the HR is simply the fact that we have lived together for 6 years...we have an established home and we have no need or room for anything extra. The HR seems to be a great way to go about a registry in our situation, and I would hate for people to waste their money on items that we do not need. Our thoughts were to take pictures of the various activities that people contribute too and send those pictures with our thank you cards.

Given our view on registring for items we do not need, should we just not register at all? I'm not sure I understand why a HR so tacky...it's not traditional, but I don't think its tacky.
Aside from that, the website we are using does not take any money from our guests. The gifts come directly to us.
Can anyone point me in the right direction of an Emily Post guide to HR etiquette? Thanks.

boo his · January 2012

Etiquette For Alternative Registries

Whether or not and where to have their gift registries are two of the thousands of decisions that engaged couples need to make before their big day. There are some rather amazing gift-registry choices for couples today. Everything from mutual funds to island honeymoons can be tagged as gift possibilities. But what’s appropriate and how should guests be made aware of your gift suggestions?

The whole point of registries is to make gift selection convenient for guests, especially those who have little time for shopping or don’t know a couple’s tastes. Note the following:

No guest is obligated to select a gift from a registry – it’s up to the guest to decide what to choose. While many guests enjoy coming up with their own ideas for gifts and take pleasure in selecting "just the right thing," the majority of guests are thrilled to have some guidance – and a guarantee that comes with a registry gift that they’re getting the lovebirds something they’ll love.
Just as guests have varying budgets, the registry should have a range of prices. Listing only expensive gifts is a discourtesy; it’s up to the guests to decide what they’ll spend.
Non-traditional registries are a great new option, but registering at more traditional locations for a few household items should be considered. This allows guests who may not be comfortable with these more modern opportunities to still select a gift they know you’ll love.
Guests should be informed politely about registries. The bride, groom, their families and the bridal party should wait until someone asks about a wish list. If asked directly, a courteous response would be something like this: "We would be thrilled with anything you gave us. But, you can find our registries at xyz and abc stores if you’d like. Thanks for thinking of us!" Discreet links to registries on the wedding web site are also appropriate and are one of the best ways to “inform” guests without compromising etiquette.
Registry information should never be part of the wedding invitation. Although it might seem practical, including registry information may offend. Wedding invitations that include "what to buy us" lists turn people off because the emphasis on gifts seems more important than the invitation to join a couple on their special day. Don’t include registry lists in engagement party invitations or wedding announcements either. However, it's okay for shower hosts to include registry information in invitations because gift-giving is the purpose of the shower.
Write thoughtful, hand-written thank-you notes to each and every guest who gives you a gift. Do it as soon as you possibly can – at the very latest, within three months of receipt of the gift. (Having a year to write thank you notes is a myth.)

Honeymoon Registry

What is it?
This type of registry allows guests to contribute to a couple’s honeymoon trip fund. They are easy to create on different wedding websites, and are also available through many travel companies and agencies. The bride and groom should work with a reputable company that will alert them to each cash gift (including the name of the gift giver), and one that will manage the honeymoon plans efficiently.

Is a Honeymoon Registry appropriate?
Yes, but don’t expect all guests to choose that gift option. Some will be more comfortable selecting a traditional gift, or giving cash. A honeymoon registry is an acceptable choice, but it’s probably safest to give guests alternate choices -- so it’s a good idea to still register for some traditional items, too.

How do you spread the word?
(See #4 above) Do so politely. Word of mouth is the traditional, but still most effective (and polite), way to go.

Charitable Registry
Some couples, often couples celebrating encore weddings, don’t want to receive traditional gifts and suggest that guests make a donation to a non-profit organization that has a special place in their hearts.

How do you spread the word?
Almost all charities have established systems for tracking gifts and notifying the honored individuals. When guests ask about the gift wish list, they can be informed of the preference. If there is a wedding website, a link to the charity registry is fine.

Is a Charity Registry appropriate?
Yes, but try to avoid political or highly controversial causes. This type of registry provides a unique and special way for a couple (especially one with established households) to mark their union.

Should couples give their guests other registry options?
Some people may not hear about your desire or may prefer to give a more traditional gift, so it’s a good idea to register at a traditional retailer too.

Should thank-you notes still be sent, or is that the responsibility of the charity?
While the charitable organization will send a thank you letter or tax receipt, it’s the responsibility of the bride and groom to thank each and every guest for their gifts.

Alternative Retailer
Home improvement suppliers, sporting goods and furniture stores are all appropriate and interesting choices for gift registries.

Is it inappropriate to ask for these gifts because they fall more into the ‘want’ and not the 'need' category?
These types of registries are perfectly acceptable. Weddings are gift-giving occasions. The tradition of giving presents to the bride and groom is longstanding and not about to change. Couples who have established households are certainly welcome to suggest other appropriate items. Those targeted toward a couple’s hobbies or interests are perfectly fitting.

About the
Emily Post Institute

The Emily Post Institute, created by Emily in 1946 and run today by third generation family members, serves as a "civility barometer" for American society and continues Emily's work. That work has grown to address the societal concerns of the 21st century including business etiquette, raising polite children and civility in America.

Read to find out more about Emily Post Institute and the Etiquette Experts

amymaysa · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-website-honeymoon-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0fb2349-f983-43fc-aa8a-fb39f2e1a825Post:35805ce0-be9c-4913-b3c6-c6355fc8b15d">Re: Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your honesty. Our view on the HR is simply the fact that we have lived together for 6 years...we have an established home and we have no need or room for anything extra. The HR seems to be a great way to go about a registry in our situation, and I would hate for people to waste their money on items that we do not need. Our thoughts were to take pictures of the various activities that people contribute too and send those pictures with our thank you cards. Given our view on registring for items we do not need, should we just not register at all? I'm not sure I understand why a HR so tacky...it's not traditional, but I don't think its tacky. Aside from that, the website we are using does not take any money from our guests. The gifts come directly to us. Can anyone point me in the right direction of an Emily Post guide to HR etiquette? Thanks.

You certainly aren't the first person living with the FI and having things for your home and you aren't the last. I'm sure there are things you can upgrade (pots, pans, towel, sheets) or things you have wanted but do not have. Using this as an excuse for a HMR just doesn't work.

Great whatever site you want to use doesn't charge a fee. But what guests do not know is that they aren't actually paying for you to have dinner on the beach or a romantic couples massage (which I would never buy another couple). What happens is that you get a check or deposit into your account for the amount people contributed. You may not even use it on the vacation. HMR are a way of asking for cash, which is rude. Other may disagree, but I also wouldn't want a picture of you on your vacation in a thank you, but again, that's just me.

Create no registry or a small one, peope know cash is a great gift and that if you live together, you probably have a lot of home things.

Posted by boo his[/QUOTE]

Habs2Hart · January 2012

Here's the reason why HMR suck.

1. They charge the guests. So a guest gives you $100 for a snorkel adventure, they take 10% and give you a cheque for $90. You aren't registered for a snorkel adventure. You get given a cheque. Wouldn't you rather just have that whole $100 they think they are giving you rather than giving a cut to the registry considering you aren't even getting what they think they paid for?

2. Your guests are smart. If you don't register for anything at all, they will give you cash.

3. By asking for adventures on a HM, you are essentially asking for cash, which is wrong.

Do you really not have anything you want to upgrade in your house or add onto? Some people will want to buy you tangible items, so you should make a very small registry. If you are being thrown a shower, it will be very uncomfortable to open gifts of cash.

amymaysa · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-website-honeymoon-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0fb2349-f983-43fc-aa8a-fb39f2e1a825Post:9c6e328b-ccb3-480f-ae3a-47d8ec2daeb4">Re: Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the reason why HMR suck. 1. They charge the guests. So a guest gives you $100 for a snorkel adventure, they take 10% and give you a cheque for $90. You aren't registered for a snorkel adventure. You get given a cheque. Wouldn't you rather just have that whole $100 they think they are giving you rather than giving a cut to the registry considering you aren't even getting what they think they paid for? 2. Your guests are smart. If you don't register for anything at all, they will give you cash. 3. By asking for adventures on a HM, you are essentially asking for cash, which is wrong. Do you really not have anything you want to upgrade in your house or add onto? Some people will want to buy you tangible items, so you should make a very small registry. If you are being thrown a shower, it will be very uncomfortable to open gifts of cash.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

I tried to post something very similar to his and the knot ate my post.

Also, just b/c you found an article on a website doesn't mean it's right, regardless if Emily Post's name is on it or not. You have a handful of people telling you it's rude, and you cling to the one thing you find that is opposite of that.

As a guest, I would never purchase anything rom a HMR. I don't think those that may would want a picture of you and your H on your honeymoon, but hey, that's just me.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Just don't register, and when people ask "are you registered?" say "We decided against a registry - we have all the household items we need, and really focused on saving up for our honeymoon/a new house/a new car/whatever right now." People will get the hint. (And don't have a shower if you don't register, it's rude.)

Also, I would think the vast, vast majority of people would give cash at a DW - who the heck wants to haul a blender onto an airplane? Trust your guests to have common sense please.

Snippylynn · January 2012

If you don't need anything, don't register. That's totally acceptable.

Also, your "Emily Post" article was written by a corporation. Emily Post died some time ago, and the 'name' is carried on for what they consider to be 'etiquette'.

Habs2Hart · January 2012

The real Emily Post died before HM registries were a thing. Doubtful she'd approve. It's just the wedding industry at it's finest, telling people things are okay when they aren't.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

FI is in his 30s and I turn 30 this year. I haven't lived with my parents for almost 12 years. CLEARLY we both owned everything we needed for a household before we even met. And we've lived together for several years now. So there aren't a lot of things that we need.

So we registered for new sheets and towels, some china and a few small things. People will notice that we don't have a large registry and will give money. Also, people have common sense- If you've been living together for 6 years, they aren't going to give you a toaster. (But if you have a HMR, they might just to make a point)

MyUserName1 · January 2012

A monogrammed garden hose?

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Now I wish I had a yard so I could register for a monogrammed garden hose.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

As a guest, if you didn't have a registry I'd likely give you a check. If you had a HM registry, I'd likely give you a smaller check. People don't want to fund a vacation, they want to hep you establish your lives together. Create a small registry of upgrades (egyptian cotton sheets? fancy baking accessories?) and spread the word that you're saving for X, Y and Z.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

<------ Joke fail.

I was attempting to combine two E memes.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-website-honeymoon-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0fb2349-f983-43fc-aa8a-fb39f2e1a825Post:faf74230-2cc5-4e86-9168-fcbc9ac18f34">Re: Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]A monogrammed garden hose?
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Non-fail, MUN1 - it made me giggle!

specialk84 · January 2012

A garden hose is practical. After I told that story, several people said they were going to register for a hose.

BIL and his wife just moved into a house from an apartment and condo, respectively. They needed a hose.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

a hose is a great gift. They'd never think about it until they realized that they needed it. That's some thoughtful and practical ish there.

specialk84 · January 2012

My niece was with me when I bought it. She looked at me and said, "You're serious? You're buying them a fucking hose?" After I commented on proper vocabulary for a twelve year old, I explained my reasoning. She agreed, then insisted on picking out a pretty gift bag.

Grits8812 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-website-honeymoon-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e0fb2349-f983-43fc-aa8a-fb39f2e1a825Post:3788826f-03fc-497d-8439-5bad66ed9fcf">Re: Wedding Website/ Honeymoon registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Noooooooooooooo! Not the dreaded honeymoon registry!!! Think about it: You are having your wedding as a destination. Your guests are shelling out big bucks to GO to this destination, and then you are asking them for CASH on top of that? *glare*
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]
This.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

I haven't even thought of a hose, Special. We're still in an apartment, but I'll put that in the "list of things to buy when we finally are homeowners".

Gabrielle76 · January 2012

As pp's have said, if you dont regiter for much, you'll probably get $$$, which you can put towards your honeymoon. You should still have a small registry though, because many people (like me!) really prefer tp give tangible gifts.

Is there truly nothing that you need? Nothing that could use an upgrade, or a replacement? Nothing that's on the verge of dying?

Also: Grits, your goat is adorable.

mollyehren · January 2012

If you really want to register you can register for non-traditional stuff like camping gear, board games, movies, ect. We love to have people over for game nights and such so for us this works great.

Negazilla · January 2012

I think if you found a honey moon registry that doesn't charge a fee than it's perfectly acceptable to have one. Have another registry too for household items to make everyone comfortable and you're good. I've never seen why so many people consider them so rude.

"The company takes a cut of the money!" Haven't you ever heard of sales tax? Uncle Sam takes a cut of your money. "It's like you're asking for cash!" The activity you're purchasing for the couple is RIGHT THERE. Just because they get a check for the money doesn't mean they're not going to use it for it's intended use. And even if they did, it's a gift. Once you give it it's not your place to say how it's spent. They aren't forcing their guests to get them something off of the honey moon registry. It's not like you have your hand out, you saw something you wanted and suggested it as a gift. I would feel much better about getting someone a dinner on their honeymoon rather than a pot. And if they never used the money for that I'd still feel better that they got to spend it on something they needed.

Bottom line, if you have a traditional registry as well as a non-traditional one I don't see a problem.

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