Snarky Brides

Am I being ridiculous?

FI sent me an email asking for my password to TK.  I called and asked him why he needed, and he turned it around on me and asked why it was an issue.  I said it was because I post on TK message boards (which he already knew), and I didn't feel comfortable giving him access to my online identity.  He was offended and asked what I had to hide, what was I saying, etc.  I said that I don't need to hide anything; it's just that I don't feel comfortable giving out my passwords to websites on which I have an online identity.  I post on other MB's and don't give him the passwords to those either.

He wants to look at Best of TK lists for photographers, etc so I offered to create another account so that he could do that.  He told me not to bother and that he's doing this (the photog research) for me and that I can do it myself or he'll just give me whatever he wants to give me.  He doesn't think it makes sense for him to have his own log-in since I already have one.  It was a pretty heated argument.  I asked him why it was a big deal if I created a login for him that is tied to the email address we use for the wedding.  He said he had to hang up because he was in the middle of work.

I think part of him is upset that I won't "trust" him with the password and part is upset because he's not getting his way.  I have no problem with telling him my SN and him looking at posts, but I just don't give anyone the passwords to my message board accounts.  I think he's being a brat, especially since I offered to create another account for him that's not even tied to his personal email address.  I could have done that in the first place, and he never would have known.  I just didn't realize he'd get so upset.  Am I being ridiculous here?  Any advice?  Thanks.

I'm also remembering that he once refused to give me us Wall Street Journal online password so that I could read articles that were only for paid subscribers.  And I was doing work-related research.  He doesn't post on WSJ message boards AFAIK.  I have given him passwords to other sites before (including Amazon where he could just buy things on my CC whenever he wanted), just not ones where I post.
«1

Re: Am I being ridiculous?

  • I don't think you're being ridiculous. FI hasn't shared his e-mail password, or Facebook password with me, and it doesn't bother me. I know he trusts me, he's just iffy about it since his last girlfriend was a psychopath. Honestly, I think your FI overreacted.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2010
    I don't think you are being ridiculous. I leave TK open and H doesn't post crazy crap, although he could. I can't imagine him asking me for my pw. That would just be weird. That would be like me asking him for his WoW PW. I have no reason to need it. 

    Besides, people pay to be on TK lists, I'm convinced. I've never received a survey, so I don't know how else they'd determine the best vendors. 

    ETA: I don't think I even know my TK password. I have everything bookmarked and it opens automatically. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I don't think you're being ridiculous. I don't get why it's such a big deal to your FI for you to make a new account for him. It almost sounds like there are other motives behind him wanting to get on here with your username. I don't share my passwords with H. There's not really a reason he would need that information.
  • This sounds like it spiraled out of control.

    I don't have FI's passwords and he doesn't have mine, but we would give them to each other if the need arose.  However, that's us and we both feel comfortable doing that.  Your argument seems to have goteen heated and on the trust sidebar rather than focusing on establishing boundaries in what you do and do not feel comfortable sharing.

    I would sit him down (when things cool down) and listen to why he is uncomfortable with you not giving your PW and then explain your point of view.
  • I can't imagine asking my FI for the password to his e-mail, forums, etc.  I would just set up my own ID.  IMO - I don't think you're being ridiculous at all.  I can see why he would think "well, why WOULDN'T you give me the password" and my response would be "I post thoughts and ideas and stresses and everything else on TK and there's a ton of info about my dress, etc that isn't for your eyes." 

    Hope this helps.



    ~ Missie

    Welcome Baby Grace to the world! (via emergency c-section @ 38w2d)
    2/24/12 12:03pm 5lbs, 9oz Birth Story
    imageimageimage
    image image image
    Linky--> EP FB Group - March '12 FB Group <---Linky </b>
  • TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2010
    Thanks, guys.

    I think you're right, Nates, that it did spiral out of control somehow.  I tried to explain to him that it was similar to giving him my email password or FB password, but he didn't get it.  I've given him an email password before when I was out of the house and needed him to look up something for me, and he's done the same.  We each changed our pwords afterwards.  It's like a need to know basis.  He doesn't need my TK password, and he can easily get the info he needs if I create another account for him.  I would have just done that without telling him if I knew he would be so offended.

    I may just make another account anyway and see if he's more willing to use it when he calms down.  I just don't understand why he's so upset about this.

    ETA:  I totally have posted a pic of my dress on one of the boards!  I forgot about that.  I doubt he would go hunting through all of my posts, but still.  And I do post things here that I wouldn't necessarily want him to see.  Like this, haha.


  • I think it's ridiculous that he couldn't just sign up for himself PLUS I don't think TK is the best resource to find vendors. Most of the vendors FI and I are using weren't even listed.

    Buuuuut I also don't see the big deal of him having your password. What damage could he really do? And you can just change your password when he's done.

    WAIT - Do you even need to be logged in to see that stuff? I didn't think you did.

  • Jersey, he said he'd tried to look at the lists but couldn't without logging in.  I also don't think it would be a one time use things.  More like, he'd be using the account with me until the wedding (in June).
  • I think it's weird he asked. It's one thing to freely give your password. My H gave me his and asked me to check his email daily since he despises being on the computer. But if I were to ask for his passwrod, it would seem suspicious and he probably would have wondered about my intentions. The fact that he's against his own account, though, that makes it really seem a little off.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:10168d43-efeb-43c1-b9cb-9ee47d40fc57Post:77f70489-d025-438f-9c5a-a1d30220e6f3">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jersey, he said he'd tried to look at the lists but couldn't without logging in.  I also don't think it would be a one time use things.  More like, he'd be using the account with me until the wedding (in June).
    Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

    Weird.. there are plenty of other resources he can use. Or he can suck it up and make his own.
  • I think it's weird that he asked, and then that he got so upset that you were hesitant to.

    FI and I have each other's FB passwords, but email (except for a shared one for bills), and bank account passwords, are not shared. We don't have anything to hide, there just really isn't any point. If I really needed a password, I'd ask.
  • It's strange to me that he insisted you give it to him.  If I were in your shoes I'm sure I'd be questioning whether or not he trusted me, and that would be problematic for me.

    And I agree he can just make his own account.  It's not that hard.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • I wouldn't say you're being ridiculous, I would say I'm not sure why it's a big deal. I have FI fb and email passwords, he has mine. I trust him not to abuse that and he does the same for me. It's not like I have anything to hide so I don't see why it be a big deal. But if it is something that bothers you, you and your FI need to talk about it to understand why you both have the different feelings on the issue. I would suggest a cool down then a discussion on where these boundaries need to be for you. 
    My baby Buster. FI is jealous cause I love him more.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic >
  • I don't think that's ridiculous.  My FI doesn't have any of my passwords and I don't have any of his.  The only thing we'll need to know is the account information if and when we get a joint banking account.

    Hope everything gets better and he takes a step back and let's you know he does trust you.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It's strange he got so upset about it.  I agree to just create another SN and give that to him.  I've shown DH various posts, but he has no inclination whatsoever to log in under my SN, and I would question why he wanted it.
    imageFollow Me on Pinterest
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:10168d43-efeb-43c1-b9cb-9ee47d40fc57Post:96c88100-9212-4da7-a4b6-be64bbb62a58">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks, guys. I think you're right, Nates, that it did spiral out of control somehow.  I tried to explain to him that it was similar to giving him my email password or FB password, but he didn't get it.  I've given him an email password before when I was out of the house and needed him to look up something for me, and he's done the same.  We each changed our pwords afterwards.  It's like a need to know basis.  He doesn't need my TK password, and he can easily get the info he needs if I create another account for him.  <strong>I would have just done that without telling him if I knew he would be so offended</strong>. I may just make another account anyway and see if he's more willing to use it when he calms down.  I just don't understand why he's so upset about this. ETA:  I totally have posted a pic of my dress on one of the boards!  I forgot about that.  I doubt he would go hunting through all of my posts, but still.  And I do post things here that I wouldn't necessarily want him to see.  Like this, haha.
    Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

    I think it's good you didn't do that.  To me that's just being dishonest and would have caused more problems down the line if this ever came up again.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • I'm glad you guys don't think I'm over-reacting here.  I'll make the new account for him and try to talk about it tonight. 

    We've never really had trust issues before so I don't know why he wouldn't trust me or think I don't trust him.  I agree with whomever said it's about setting boundaries.  The funny thing is that I'm usually more open with him in terms of giving him my password, letting him go in my wallet, etc.  That's why I think this is more about him not getting his way.
  • Not ridiculous at all. You and he need to sit down and talk about your boundaries. If you're not comfortable with him having your password to a site that you post on he needs to understand and respect that.

    Nates right it got a little out of control really fast. FWIW I would have created the other account and sent him the login and password info. Sounds like the easiest solution to all of this mess.
    image
  • I agree with PP, it sounds like it just escalated out of something really minor.  My H asked me for my TK password because we initially had the budget tool and guest list set up, and I gave it to him.  If I had been weird about it, I could see him wondering if I'm trying to hide something.  Not in an outrageously jealous way, but in a "Why wouldn't you want me to have it?" way.  I think you have the right to tell him no, but I don't think it's crazy that he asked for it. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Even though the disagreement may have gotten bigger than the issue, I don't think you were wrong to feel uncomfortable in giving him your TK password.

    That said, H and I do share some online passwords - I sometimes use his Amazon account because he has Prime (the 2-day shipping perk) and we have access to each other's WoW accounts.  But what I post on TK is a more personal thing and I would feel weird if H read some of the stuff that goes on.

    Your FI probably thought it would be the easy thing to do.  But actually, it might be better to have the seperate accounts anyway; then his research doesn't get mixed up with yours, etc.

    *Hug*

  • I totally agree with you on this one. I am not secretive in the least with my FI, but I totally believe that any and all of my passwords are off limits. I feel like in a healthy relationship there has to be a certain amount of privacy, even if it's just access to your own emails and websites. FI asked me for my FB password (he doesn't have one) and I felt violated. I know it is weird, but I need a sense of self and I don't need to share everything (so says the only child!).
  • K&J64K&J64 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2010

    I think you're rightfully upset by his insistence on having it if you're not ok with giving it to him. FI has all my passwords to email, FB, TK for various reasons, whether or not she jotted them down or remembers them is another story. She could in theory get on my TK login and read my posts, but she wouldn't be interested I'd imagine. She might login to use to planning tools, search etc, but that's about it. I think my account auto loads on her laptop anyway. I wouldn't have a issue with her reading anything I post here though, except her Christmas presents [DON'T READ THOSE POSTS BABE!].

    Talk to him and find out what the real issue is. Perhaps he has a misconception about what you're posting in the forums, or some concerns that he should voice. I hope it goes well, good luck!


    Photobucket
  • ok, i think it's kinda ridiculous.  Would it have been so bad to say "sure, Honey, but could you avoid the message boards, 'cuz I post there and it's where I get to vent"?  Something like that? My FI has my info, because it's our wedding, I want to plan it together, and he plugged in all the addresses for his parties. Sounds like the fighting and trust is more of an issue than a login. 
  • Your not being ridiculous. At least IMO. I have FI's passwords but only cause he uses the same on for EVERYTHING.  So it isn't hard to figure out. 
    Photobucket We're Married!!!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:10168d43-efeb-43c1-b9cb-9ee47d40fc57Post:6641a7fc-dcda-4b89-9d72-cdb0b659bb25">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, i think it's kinda ridiculous.  Would it have been so bad to say "sure, Honey, but could you avoid the message boards, 'cuz I post there and it's where I get to vent"?  Something like that? My FI has my info, because it's our wedding, I want to plan it together, and he plugged in all the addresses for his parties. Sounds like the fighting and trust is more of an issue than a login. 
    Posted by lonecorndog[/QUOTE]

    Really?  You think she's ridiculous because she wasn't comfortable giving him her password and he threw a fit?  And I'm sorry, but if someone said "yeah, here, but avoid this" I'd be curious why they wanted me to avoid it.  And perhaps I wouldn't avoid it as well as I should.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • Hmmm We have eachothers passwords, although we dont really ever use them. Could you just tell him that you really dont want to give him your log in info so he doesnt see your dress, or anything else you want to surprise him with... That way he wont be suspiciouse, because you are just being extra thoughtful of him... Just a thought :) Good Luck!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I wouldn't say ridiculous, but I don't see why you wouldn't give him your password. He could google your screen name and your Knot posts would all come up anyways - if that's what he was after.
    It sounds to me he wanted to do some genuine research and really help out with the wedding. I could be bias because I have my fiance's password and he has mine, but neither of us ever use them. It's one of those things that although I have it, I would never use it, but it's nice to know that we have that understanding.
    Just my opinion...
  • edited December 2010
    Yes, I think it's ridiculous.  It's a wedding board, not her social secuioty.  you're gonna marry him but both freak about a password to this?  that's just stupid.  He threw a fit because she doesn't trust him. I would wonder why, too. 
  • Wow, well, uh...better late than never.

    Have you considered there might be things on here she wouldn't want him seeing, like her WEDDING DRESS?  You're very presumptuous.  And kind of a jerk.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:10168d43-efeb-43c1-b9cb-9ee47d40fc57Post:aa331a22-13e3-4fce-a0ec-a44aa334051c">Re: Am I being ridiculous?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, I think it's ridiculous.  It's a wedding board, not her social secuioty.  you're gonna marry him but both freak about a password to this?  that's just stupid.  He threw a fit because she doesn't trust him. I would wonder why, too. 
    Posted by lonecorndog[/QUOTE]

    These boards often contain feelings, vents, and ideas that are akin to stuff you only tell your shrink.  Not your husband. 

    i trust my husband 100%.  does he need to see a thread that discusses how much I hate that he doesn't do the dishes?  of course not.  I love him and him seeing that could only lead to making him feel badly.

    p.s.  Your post made you sound like an ass.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards