Save the dat vs invitation.

needle&thread · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_save-dat-vs-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74651305-a00b-445b-b326-ddc01730392ePost:a666fba7-d3ec-4e75-a987-7c51af161210">Re: Save the dat vs invitation.</a>:
[QUOTE]Playing devil's advocate here: <strong><font color="#ff0000">Kim is also in the wrong and rude</font></strong> to essentially <strong><font color="#ff0000">invite herself</font></strong> to OP's wedding. <font color="#ff0000"><strong>She volunteered to be a vendor and backed out.</strong> </font>That should then basically exclude her from the wedding. Like pps said, any other vendor that backed out would not be expected to attend the wedding. <strong><font color="#ff0000">Kim should never haved called the FMIL</font></strong> and said she wanted to be a guest.<font color="#800080"><strong> <font color="#ff0000">That is just as rude</font></strong></font> as not following up on an STD with an invite.
Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY THIS...AMEN (so be it).<font color="#ff0000">

<strong>And if you allow her to come, she better not bring a +1, either!!!

Classic Bait and Switch!!! There are laws against that!!!</strong></font>

S and CJ

ajroark · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_save-dat-vs-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74651305-a00b-445b-b326-ddc01730392ePost:a666fba7-d3ec-4e75-a987-7c51af161210">Re: Save the dat vs invitation.</a>:
[QUOTE]Playing devil's advocate here: Kim is also in the wrong and rude to essentially invite herself to OP's wedding. She volunteered to be a vendor and backed out. That should then basically exclude her from the wedding. Like pps said, any other vendor that backed out would not be expected to attend the wedding. Kim should never haved called the FMIL and said she wanted to be a guest. That is just as rude as not following up on an STD with an invite.
Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

I agree with this!! Why does Kim want to go to the wedding of a person she barely knows???

Hatsumomo7 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_save-dat-vs-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74651305-a00b-445b-b326-ddc01730392ePost:1ebaee30-8887-4b1e-a304-d7d8a4cfeb0f">Re: Save the dat vs invitation.</a>:
[QUOTE]To sum up some of the confusion: 1. I never actually mailed her an STD, she was at the house when they came in the mail. (my FMIL ordered them and had them sent to her house). When my FMIL opened the package Kim was asking if we had gotten a bartender for our wedding yet, I told her I hadn`t. She then offered and asked for a paper to write the date down on so she could write it into her book when she got home. (lives out of town). My FMIL said why don`t you take a STD as she had ordered a few extra ones, just in case. 2. We didn't sign a contract or anything as she was family. She was my FSIL`s MOH at her wedding and she knows my FIL`s very well, but not me or my FI. 3. I did not give her the STD with the intentions that she was a "guest". I would have never given her the STD if I knew that this is what would have become of it. 4.To the people who said to just invite her so that the family would be happier, I can not do this as per me and FI are paying for the wedding our selves and have no help from his family at all. (Not that I would ever ask them for money and such) We are planning what we can afford, and what the building can accommodate.
Posted by awick14[/QUOTE]

Ohhhhhh nevermind, she's a wedding crasher, I wouldn't invite her in that case.

KateG528 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_save-dat-vs-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:74651305-a00b-445b-b326-ddc01730392ePost:3e93940d-1573-49b0-ba09-6456c734c9a9">Re: Save the dat vs invitation.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Save the dat vs invitation. : Reference the bolded words. You are wrong to believe that you can renig on an invitation just because the guest isn't bartending for you anymore. This is really bratty. Etiquette rules are that if you send someone a STD you are required to send them an invite and really? You shot yourself in the foot on this one because if she was only supposed to bartend then you really didn't have to give her any paper invite of any sort. She would have been asked to provide a service and if she became unable and just wanted to attend as a guest then you could've smoothed it over. You invited her with a STD as with the rest of the guests and now you have to deal with it. You would be REALLY rude and come off as a brat if you did not invite her now.
Posted by Hatsumomo7[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Dude did you even read her further explanation? She is not being bratty and didnt MAIL her an STD she just handed her one as a reminder of the date because the girl didnt have her calendar book with her. "Kim" does NOT deserve an invite and that fact is in no way bratty</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I didnt see your second post lol. </div>

hccpsu · April 2011

For Kim to say she'd "rather be a guest" means she KNEW she was supposed to bartend. IMO, even if you HAD sent her a STD, you're off the hook--to me that STD would have been simply to remind her of the date, not to invite her as a guest.

And since you didn't send her an STD, then you're totally right to not invite her as a guest. Stick to your guns on this one.

dannie134 · April 2011

The clarification competely changes things, for me. If you did not actually mail her a save the date, and just gave it to her making it clear that it was to let her know when the event was, that is not the same as inviting her to the wedding.

Is it possible that she was not intending to volunteer her services for free? And that is why there is confusion?

In the end, if you are paying and she was not actually invited, I don't see why you have to send her a real invite. Although you will still have to figure out how to deal with your family: perhaps by telling them that since you are paying, you get to decide who attends. Good luck!

browneydgrl · April 2011

Eesh, I agree with those who think she should not be invited. I get that traditional etiquette says STD = invite, but if having her at your wedding is going to piss you and your groom off, it's not worth it. It's extremely pushy and rude for someone - who's not even close enough with the bride and groom to call them and clear up the situation, mind you- to whine to the FMIL until she gets her way. Who on earth does that? Not to mention that you are now down a vendor because of her. I certainly would not want this woman at my wedding. I'm surprised your FI's family is arguing this point (yeah, yeah, etiquette and all that) knowing that some of your family is not invited due to a tight budget.

Who, might I ask, is paying for the wedding? IF the FMIL and fam are throwing the party and shelling out for all of it, I can see where they'd have room to petition for an extra, but otherwise...meh.

EDIT: After seeing OP's further details and reading about how "Kim" came into an STD (unbeLIEVable), and about how OP and FI are paying for everything, I am completely validated in my original icky feeling. DO NOT get bullied into inviting this horrible woman. Did you tell FSIL and FMIL about how she got an STD?

mia082683 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_save-dat-vs-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:74651305-a00b-445b-b326-ddc01730392ePost:a666fba7-d3ec-4e75-a987-7c51af161210">Re: Save the dat vs invitation.</a>:
[QUOTE]Playing devil's advocate here: Kim is also in the wrong and rude to essentially invite herself to OP's wedding. She volunteered to be a vendor and backed out. That should then basically exclude her from the wedding. Like pps said, any other vendor that backed out would not be expected to attend the wedding. Kim should never haved called the FMIL and said she wanted to be a guest. That is just as rude as not following up on an STD with an invite.
Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

I'm with Bub here.. It's not necessarily appropriate for you to not send her an invitation, but I don't think I'd care. I got a STD a few months ago. The girl is getting married this weekend and I didn't receive an invite. I had told her MOH that I didn't htink we'd be able to make it as we're planning ours and it's a DW, but I still expected an invite. That being said, I'm not going to cause unneeded drama over not being invited. Life happens, and it's too short to worry about hurting one person's feelings who already left you high and dry IMO.

elizabethjane25 · April 2011

after reading your further explanation, i change my original answer. she is in the wrong for going back on her promise and then expecting to still be invited when it sounds as though she was never actually "invited" at all. she is being rude right now!!

DeadUtopia · April 2011

I don't understand why she wouldn't be able to do what she said she would but still be able to attend the wedding. If something came up and she let you know that she wouldn't be able to bartend for you at your reception that's one thing. But pulling out of her obligation for some random reason but still wanting to make the trip to attend a wedding of someone she doesn't really know? That's just odd and rude.

jemmini6 · April 2011

Yeah, after the further explanation, she is definitely in the wrong and you guys are under no obligation whatsoever to invite her, no matter how upset the family gets. My FI and I are paying for our own wedding as well and if someone pulled that crap with us, there's no way in hell I'd buy them a meal either.

awick14 · April 2011

Thank you so much for all the help. I am still sticking with her not coming to the wedding.

The main reason i think she just wants to be a guest but not actually bartend, is that she wants to spend the weekend having fun with my FSIL. As they only see each other about twice a year and she doesn't want to "waste" it on bartending.

I think his family is getting over it as Kim is now coming into town the weekend before the wedding, which makes me happy as she won't be in town the weekend of the wedding now!

Save the dat vs invitation.

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