Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?

shoegal715 · June 2010

I'm

salt78 · June 2010

If you don't have the time or money, I wouldn't do it. Don't kill yourself for some tacky party.

andy71781 · June 2010

Salt took the words right out of my mouth.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

Maybe you can ask another bridesmaid to take care of this one?

mags0607 · June 2010

I'm not really too familiar with a stag and doe. Care to elaborate?

Either way, you are not a deadbeat MOH if you simply don't have the time or money to throw her the kind of party she wants. Does she have any other bridesmaids that might take the lead or pitch in?

Simply Fated · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:c89e448e-1de5-45d3-b19d-aa5b7b5025d6">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not really too familiar with a stag and doe. Care to elaborate?
Posted by mags0607[/QUOTE]
stag = bachelor party
doe = bachlorette party

Stag and doe party together is like a Jack and Jill thing.
It can also double the host's costs, so it can be frowned on when a bride requests this.

This sounds exactly like what my friend did to me with her baby shower. "BTW, my husband and all his friends want to be there...."

You can talk to teh best man or one of the groomsmen and see if they want to go in on it with you.

andy71781 · June 2010

That is horrible. I vote don't do it.

bethsmiles · June 2010

I wouldn't do it. You aren't obligated to throw any parties. Someone else could always offer anyways.

Blueyed228 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:8492d518-cf99-44a2-be97-10b910b3d67e">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe? : They are gross IMO. The bride / groom make their wedding party hound people to buy $10 or $20 "admission" tickets to a party thrown for the bride and groom. At said party there are money dances, and lots of activities designed to make the guests spend lots of money. All money goes to the bride and groom to "help them start their new life together" Barf My fiance's brother had one a few years ago and it was awful. All the bride did was send her wedding party demand e-mails saying they needed to donate prizes to this thing, so people can buy tickets and attempt to win a prize. Fiance's sister in law was the type who for 6 months asked everyone she knew to buy a $20 to her stag and doe.... Maybe I hate them so much because I'm still getting over the brutal memory of that stag and doe
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

Are you sure that is what she means? if I recall you are from Boston? Around here stag and does usually mean co-ed bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Did she specifially mention the asking for money part?

Simply Fated · June 2010

Yeah, not all stag and doe parties are money grabbers. Often they are just used as another term for what we call bachelor/bachlorette parties. Some are used to make money, though, just as singular gender ones sometimes do.

TNMurray · June 2010

Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:8492d518-cf99-44a2-be97-10b910b3d67e">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe? : They are gross IMO. The bride / groom make their wedding party hound people to buy $10 or $20 "admission" tickets to a party thrown for the bride and groom. At said party there are money dances, and lots of activities designed to make the guests spend lots of money. All money goes to the bride and groom to "help them start their new life together" Barf My fiance's brother had one a few years ago and it was awful. All the bride did was send her wedding party demand e-mails saying they needed to donate prizes to this thing, so people can buy tickets and attempt to win a prize. Fiance's sister in law was the type who for 6 months asked everyone she knew to buy a $20 to her stag and doe.... Maybe I hate them so much because I'm still getting over the brutal memory of that stag and doe
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

This sounds unbelievably tacky.

andy71781 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]
Whoa - that's not how I treat my BMs. If I was doing something that any of them thought was a "horrible idea" I know that they would tell me. I honestly hope that my BMs buy their dress, schlep cross country for the wedding and stand up - but that are the only duties they need to take "seriously" to be in my wedding party.

andy71781 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:afe01b50-b6ae-441e-a507-8ca2d817d38a">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe? : You're kidding, right?
Posted by mag920[/QUOTE]
If you can't stand the heat get out the kitchen!

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]
Uh uh. No. Sorry.

salt78 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

<div>You win the prize for the most consistently bad advice I've ever seen posted on this board. CONGRATULATIONS!</div>

Rosie109 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

<div>Is she your MOH? </div>

Simply Fated · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:6f066d79-0499-4e15-8856-033918d920d9">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe? : Is she your MOH?
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]
rofl

I'm scared to ask this bride what she requested her MOH to do.

mags0607 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

This is in no way, shape or form good advice. Most <strong>reasonable</strong> brides would never ask or expect their wedding party to throw a party when they neither have the time or resources to do so. Also, being in a WP is not about "accommodating your bride." Sure, as a friend you want to help another friend out when you can, but as a bridesmaid, your obligations begin with buying a dress and end with standing up on the wedding day in said dress. Anything else that A BM does for the bride is extra and certainly not required. Also, a BM should never put herself in a financial strain in order to let a bride know "that you take you position seriously.

Shoe- since the responsibility of this rests solely on your shoulders, you really need to sit down and decide if you want to throw her a party like this. Are you throwng her a bridal shower? If you are, I DEFINITELY don't think you have to host a stag and doe for the bride so close to your own wedding.

melissamc2 · June 2010

I'd never heard of Stag and Does until being with a Canadian. They are very common in parts of Ontario and yes, they are exactly as the OP described - and just as tacky. You pay to get in, you pay to drink, you pay to eat, you pay for raffle tickets, you pay for games, you pay, you pay, you pay...and it all goes to pay for the wedding - or, in some cases, the honeymoon that they want, but cannot afford.

The few I've been acquainted with have all been done by either the bride and groom themselves or their families - never the wedding party. However, the wedding party DOES canvass all of their friends (and in some cases, total strangers) to sell tickets to.

Not only do I think you, OP, should not feel bad about NOT doing this - I think it is incredibly rude and awkward for the bride to have asked you to.

Sing2phins · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]
Are you joking? Because this is ridiculous. The only obligation BMs have is to wear what the bride requests and show up at the appointed times for the RD and ceremony.

travellerlisa · June 2010

You could always do what a co-worker's son is doing - they couldn't be bothered to organize a Stag and Doe and are doing a 50/50 draw instead. And I thought Stag and Does were tacky!

WhatawagSBNy · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. <font color="#0000ff">Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
</font>Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

The members of the wedding party, including the MOH, have <strong>NO </strong> duty to throw a shower or a bachelorette party.

These may be done by any close friend, or family member, who volunteers. So since the bridesmaids and MOH are close, often some or all are involved.   But only if they volunteer. The bride may express a preference if asked. But in the end, it is entirely the choice of the party hostess - the number of guests and the nature of the party.

If a shower was in question, and the MOH wanted to do it, it could easily be a couple of months earlier, so as not to affect exams. But MOH should not feel pressured.

It there would be guests at a stag and doe, then the bride and groom clearly have other friends.   Let them volunteer.

One nice thing for a MOH to do is let other people know she will not be planning it, and that anyone who wants to should step right up and volunteer.   That is a way of helping to see that a couple do get a party. That is as far as MOH need go.

Co-ed showers do place twice the cost burden on the hostess, and are not for the bride to dictate.

A bachelorette held anywhere but a home, usually everyone pays their own way, and only the cost of the B is picked up by others, I assume the usual is the same for bachelor parties (most I have known about.)   Anyone can organize it. These really are close to the wedding, and no way a MOH with exams should do it.

WhatawagSBNy · June 2010

Shoe gal - no way you should feel obliged to do it.

Since many people make the false assumption a MOH will, it would be kind and reasonable of you to spread the word among the bride's close friends, and tell the Best Man - you will not be doing one, so someone else needs to volunteer, if they want to have the party.

Then is people want it, they organize the kind of party they want.

blackfire5th · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:e23c7687-2d2a-4f10-ae2f-8cd064da3684">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]You could always do what a co-worker's son is doing - they couldn't be bothered to organize a Stag and Doe and are doing a 50/50 draw instead. And I thought Stag and Does were tacky!
Posted by travellerlisa[/QUOTE]

<div>What's a 50/50 draw?</div>

Simply Fated · June 2010

"I'm looking forward to throwing you a bachlorette party, but I only organize fundraisers for breast cancer."

TNMurray · June 2010

Well I guess I take my job as a MOH/BM too seriously. I try to make sure that the bride gets what she wants at all cost. I understand her schedule and budget which is why I originally said that she needs to get help from the other BM. I never told her to change her priorities or go broke just make the effort to please your bride as you would want your wp todo. If you don't like the idea then try to incorporate hers and make it less tacky with your own ideas but just make the effort. I have gone way above my duties in the past and the bride completely appreciated it. Sorry for the 'BAD ADVICE" and that I don't agree with some of these ediquette rules someone made up.

melissamc2 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:bdb4040a-e413-4534-a026-a7a92bd629d1">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe? : What's a 50/50 draw?
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

Every one I've ever heard of has been "buy tickets at x amount of money, then we'll draw a ticket out of a hat and the winner gets half of all the money raised and whatever the money being raised for gets the other half."

rbtrumpet · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:43157050-5792-4a72-99ea-7aee9b3818e7">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I think that you yould be a bad MOH if you didn't try your hardest to accomidate your bride. I am sure there is something that your bridal party thinks is a horrible idea but because you want it they do it. You NEED the help of the other BMs so get that information from the bride. I personally think that you should do it with a smile on your face. Let her know that you take your position seriously or dont be in her wedding party.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but I 100% disagree.

For a variety of (legitimate) reasons, it ended up being just my MOH planning me a bridal shower. When I found out, I told her I was fine without one, because I didn't want to put that pressure (time-wise, financiallly, or even organizationally since she is OOT) on her.

I think it is VERY rude of a bride to ask her BMs to plan anything for them.

*my 2 cents*

rbtrumpet · June 2010

F/U:

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throw-her-stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d635f93f-da7c-4df2-94a4-3c555245daf9Post:25fd005d-ee64-44df-b76c-3bd6ebd99dd3">Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I guess I take my job as a MOH/BM too seriously. I try to make sure that the bride gets what she wants at all cost. I understand her schedule and budget which is why I originally said that she needs to get help from the other BM. I never told her to change her priorities or go broke just make the effort to please your bride as you would want your wp todo. If you don't like the idea then try to incorporate hers and make it less tacky with your own ideas but just make the effort. I have gone way above my duties in the past and the bride completely appreciated it. Sorry for the 'BAD ADVICE" and that I don't agree with some of these ediquette rules someone made up.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

I can understand your point, but I think it just makes it MORE special when the WP steps up for something. I am truly humbled that MOH is throwing me a shower, even though she's the only one really organizing it.

However, I don't feel like that give the bride room to #itch if the WP doesn't - it's a nice gesture, but not a requirement.

Labrnr · June 2010

wow, in our part of Ontario we call it a "Social".

I have specifically asked my WP and Family not to plan any parties as we want to party once to celebrate and that is on the wedding day.

I really feel that weddings are becoming a money grab for the bride and groom.

When we first told my dad and step mom that we were gettingamrried and that it was going to be a small wedding, and we wouldn't be inviting ALL the family,

she said "Why not? You'll make more money?

I was taken aback, and quickly explained that we are not getting marreid to "Make money, that we want to be married and share it with the people that mean the most to us and that was the only thing important to us.

I understand that alot of you have had one or more of these parties, and please don't take me as saying that you are all money grabbing.

That is not what I'm saying, if your family/friends have taken on these tasks without your asking or knowledge it is a totally different thing.

We just knew from the onset that we didnt want any of the hoopla.

I will add that my WP has expressed that they are getting cheated, cause they don't get to plan any fun parties, I jsut say oh well, ave it for the wedding and party it up big time!

We also went through a period where everywhere we went people were asking us when our social is, and tehn we would have to say "were not having one" and proceed to explain why.

We ended up saying, "we are having one celebration to celebrate our marriage,and that will be on the wedding day"

Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?

Re: Do I have to throw her a stag and doe?

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