Gotta get this off my chest

scottswife1106 · May 2011

I am so upset at the things that have happened since I got married. My husband lost his job and recently, I took a pay cut at work. The past 6 months have not really gone the way I thought they would, but I am making the best of it.

Tuesday I found out that my H had not been paying the jewelry bill. We purchased our wedding rings on a credit card because it was interest free for a year. I knew that we would be able to pay almost everything off next month. NOT! We would have had about 3 months that we would have had to pay interest on. No prob. H is 2 months behind and now I have to pay the bill because the card is in my name. I know that was not the smartest thing to do but him losing his job just messed everything up.

I am tired. I really am. I know that him getting laid off was not his fault and marriage is about having one another's back but ,whew, somethings gotta give. I know that things will get better but I am PISSED that I am having to pay for my own ring. PISSED!!

I haven't said anything to H because he feels bad enough that he can't help out but I hate feeling this way. I don't talk to my friends and family about our problems because they are ours and its none of their business.

Just needed to vent. Thanks ladies!

Beachy730 · May 2011

http://www.livejournal.com/

waltzingmatilda13 · May 2011

Does your H do anything right?

FTR, DH and I purchased our rings together and are paying for them together. They were not gifts in our eyes, but a symbol of our commitment to each other.

kmartini1021 · May 2011

I fail to see the problem with paying for your own ring. FI and I are paying for everything for the wedding ourselves. We're both paying what we can. He doesn't resent me for making less money than him and having less to put towards the wedding, and you shouldn't resent your FI for having to help pay for your ring.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

Is he not collecting unemployment? Not that his UI check should necessarily go to paying off rings, but wouldn't that be contributing to the household bills?

hlq2011 · May 2011

I think you're being a little ridiculous. We are pooling our money, paying jointly for things. I think having a fit over paying for your own ring is childish.

The Mel and Todd Show · May 2011

Um. OUR money. Say it with me. This is petty.

RobotLegs · May 2011

I don't think this is about paying for your own ring. I think the problem is that he didn't tell you he was 2 months behind on the payments. That's a communication issue (and I know, I've been there).

You really should talk to him about it.

annakb8 · May 2011

So it sounds like you guys have not combined finances but you expected your H to pay for a credit card in your name and he let it go into default. If this is true, I think you should have been the one keeping up with the card in the first place, since it's in your name and it effects your credit.

That sucks that he lost his job, but things don't always go according to plan.

thesequel · May 2011

We have a separate account for all wedding related expenses. We both transfer money into the account. C doesn't get bent out of shape that I make less than him.

I agree with PP - can your DH do anything right?

Habs2Hart · May 2011

What happened to 'what's mine is yours' and "for better or worse'?

If you are that stuck on how much money you are spending vs what he is spending, then you are in for a world of problems already.

You need not to resent your H for the money he makes. You work together. That's what marriage is.

larzhope · May 2011

yep, agree w/ PP, you are being extremely petty.

I get that things suck, but it can't be all puppies and rainbows. This is one of lifes rough patches, so get a helmet and get on with your life.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

I paid for part of my engagement ring and most of our bands. I was making more $ then FI at that time so financially it made sense for me to contribute as much as I could. Is it frustrating at times, yeah, but not that big of a deal. I figured that once we got married, I would be helping pay for them anyway so why have him have the debt.

Habs2Hart · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:651c372a-0a27-45b4-aedf-d6d638fd4343">Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so upset at the things that have happened since I got married. My husband lost his job and recently, I took a pay cut at work. The past 6 months have not really gone the way I thought they would, but I am making the best of it. Tuesday I found out that my H had not been paying the jewelry bill. We purchased our wedding rings on a credit card because it was interest free for a year. I knew that we would be able to pay almost everything off next month. NOT! We would have had about 3 months that we would have had to pay interest on. No prob. H is 2 months behind and now I have to pay the bill because the card is in my name. I know that was not the smartest thing to do but him losing his job just messed everything up. I am tired. I really am. I know that him getting laid off was not his fault and marriage is about having one another's back but ,whew, somethings gotta give. I know that things will get better but I am PISSED that I am having to pay for my own ring. PISSED!! I haven't said anything to H because he feels bad enough that he can't help out but I hate feeling this way. I don't talk to my friends and family about our problems because they are ours and its none of their business. Just needed to vent. Thanks ladies!
Posted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]

JIC

[Deleted User] · May 2011

I guess I don't really see the big deal either. H and I are still paying off our wedding bands and we are doing so together. I am not currently working and he doesn't say to me each month, I am not paying that bill of yours or it is my (his) money. We combined all of our accounts and see everything as joint, shared, whatever you want to call it.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Also, I would imagine that your H feels awful enough as it is for losing his job, not being able to pay bills as much as he would like. Talk to him about it. I imagine your being pissed does not compare to his emotions right now about not having a job.

baystateapple · May 2011

I realize that it is frustrating to have an H that is not keeping up with the bills. I think it would be more upsetting to me that he said he was paying for something, and then finding out that he wasn't, than to have to pay for my own ring.

Then again, my ring was free (it's an heirloom) and H didn't have to pay a cent for it.

Sounds like you two need to get on the same page financially. I wouldn't even worry about the ring. I'd worry more that H wasn't being totally honest about his financial problems.

FutureMrsTR · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:8448f491-46d4-4a17-8f88-cde73053786b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think this is about paying for your own ring. I think the problem is that he didn't tell you he was 2 months behind on the payments. That's a communication issue (and I know, I've been there). You really should talk to him about it.
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]

I agree with Kiki.

And I know how you feel to an extent. My H was unemployed for a year and a half. It can get really frustrating. I had many days where I felt like I was going to fall apart. You just need to have open and honest communication about what is expected of each of you in the relationship. For example, after a couple ugly and ineffective arguments, we finally got a point where H really understood that I needed him to take care of all of the household things so I didn't feel like I was doing everything. He definitely went through a period of depression and some denial and it sounds like maybe your H is feeling the same way.

LDYGTR13 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:8448f491-46d4-4a17-8f88-cde73053786b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think this is about paying for your own ring. I think the problem is that he didn't tell you he was 2 months behind on the payments. That's a communication issue (and I know, I've been there). You really should talk to him about it.
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]

That's how I read this too.

TheCranberry · May 2011

I agree that you and your H should talk to each other and make sure you're each being open and honest with the other about the finances. You're going through a tough time, and it will only be harder if you hide things from each other.

I don't think it's bad to vent about things like this. I know I've had petty complaints about FI before, and it's helpful to get them off your chest so that you can deal with the situation with a clear head. So many people are going through tough times right now, so know that you are not alone.

scottswife1106 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:887468bd-b958-4efb-afa8-ca66ff967454">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Gotta get this off my chest : JIC
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

Wasn't necessary. But whatever.

My H is a great person, and we agreed that he would pay for my rings and I would pay for his. As I stated, I don't have people in my life that I talk to about my marriage. I feel as though I can come here and vent and it not be a problem. For some, I see, it is.

KiKi, I agree. I think that it just caught me off guard because he didn't tell me and I thought that he had been paying it.

Mery, he worked for a VERY small company so they didn't have to pay into UI.

It is ALL about for better or worse. I get that and that is why I don't complain that he doesn't give towards the household bills or anything, for that matter. He has started school and is doing very well. I don't want him to think that I am not being supportive of him and his goals.

I am just a tad bit frustrated with things right now and needed to vent.

Moneypenny424 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:ab4722df-62dd-47ae-95b9-1a919f36dd7b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I agree with Kiki. And I know how you feel to an extent. My H was unemployed for a year and a half. It can get really frustrating. I had many days where I felt like I was going to fall apart. You just need to have open and honest communication about what is expected of each of you in the relationship. For example, after a couple ugly and ineffective arguments, we finally got a point where H really understood that I needed him to take care of all of the household things so I didn't feel like I was doing everything. He definitely went through a period of depression and some denial and it sounds like maybe your H is feeling the same way.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I could've written this myself. I got laid off in 2009. Since I'm the breadwinner (which allowed Mr. Penny to be in school), this was really bad for us. Neither of us could find a job for a long time (and he is still looking). We had to be very open about things, how everything was going to be handled and how we'd pay for things. Even now we have convos about division of labor, since I'm working and he's generally at home. You two need to talk. We were both depressed for periods of time--it is hard to not work when you really want to and are trying hard to.

Don't present it to him as "I can't believe I'm paying for my ring." Who cares? His not paying bills DOES need to be addressed though, but do it in a way that he doesn't feel like a failure for being laid off.

scottswife1106 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:ab4722df-62dd-47ae-95b9-1a919f36dd7b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I agree with Kiki. And I know how you feel to an extent. My H was unemployed for a year and a half. It can get really frustrating. I had many days where I felt like I was going to fall apart. You just need to have open and honest communication about what is expected of each of you in the relationship. For example, after a couple ugly and ineffective arguments, we finally got a point where H really understood that I needed him to take care of all of the household things so I didn't feel like I was doing everything. He definitely went through a period of depression and some denial and it sounds like maybe your H is feeling the same way.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

That was me on Tuesday. i just felt like one more thing had fallen on my plate.

I did talk to him but then he got that sad and depressed look on his face, and I felt even worse. I try so hard to not hurt him or make him feel bad. But in turn, I carry all of the burden and I find myself being depressed.

FutureMrsTR · May 2011

I don't think anyone should be making Scottswife feel bad for venting here. Yes, the paying for her own ring thing came out badly, but I know how she feels and I can see how finding out about it suddenly would have thrown her.

SW - what is he going to school for? Did he start school when he got laid off or was he already in school? Can he work part time while he's in school to help with bills? When will he be finished?

scottswife1106 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:8864aba2-3bc7-48fa-b51b-d9f29c2d4b93">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I could've written this myself. I got laid off in 2009. Since I'm the breadwinner (which allowed Mr. Penny to be in school), this was really bad for us. Neither of us could find a job for a long time (and he is still looking). We had to be very open about things, how everything was going to be handled and how we'd pay for things. Even now we have convos about division of labor, since I'm working and he's generally at home. You two need to talk. We were both depressed for periods of time--it is hard to not work when you really want to and are trying hard to. Don't present it to him as "I can't believe I'm paying for my ring." Who cares? His not paying bills DOES need to be addressed though, but do it in a way that he doesn't feel like a failure for being laid off.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

I would never say that, and it probably doesn't have anything to do with the ring itself, considering that it is MINE. It was just one more thing thrown into the pot of my responsibilities financially.

I probably would not have even blinked an eye if I would not have taken such a large pay cut. It is around $600 less a month.

Beachy730 · May 2011

You made a payment agreement when you both had jobs. I would naturally have expected to change that when he got laid off, or at least discuss how the bills would be paid. I was on unemployment almost all of last year, and H and I had many discussions about how we would manage the bills and things. We do completely joint finances, so it's not a question of who pays for what. I definitely understand being pissed about him not talking about it with you and telling you he couldn't pay it. But did you guys ever have a discussion about how paying bills after he was laid off?

FutureMrsTR · May 2011

I know, it's so very difficult to find the happy medium between "I don't think you're a worthless loser" and "but you need to do more because I'm drowning".

[Deleted User] · May 2011

SW - I was not trying to be mean, I hope you didn't take it that way. I guess I missed the bigger point of communication. It sounds like he already feels bad enough about being out of work.

Communication and money issues are the top reasons for issues in marriages. I hope that you will be able to resolve this soon. All of us go through rough phases in our relationships, and I know you are strong enough to get through this, too.

Moneypenny424 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:5bc0eae3-4750-4223-85e3-9938ff38f34c">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I know, it's so very difficult to find the happy medium between "I don't think you're a worthless loser" and "but you need to do more because I'm drowning".
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Definitely. And SW, I know you're just venting. I'd be lying if I said I've never had similar thoughts. You guys just need to reassess and regroup.

scottswife1106 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:d8f7f89a-d188-4f1f-a05e-870c1977dceb">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone should be making Scottswife feel bad for venting here. Yes, the paying for her own ring thing came out badly, but I know how she feels and I can see how finding out about it suddenly would have thrown her. SW - what is he going to school for? Did he start school when he got laid off or was he already in school? Can he work part time while he's in school to help with bills? When will he be finished?
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Thanks, TR.

He got laid off in November. Exactly 2 weeks after we got married. He started school in January because he saw that in looking for jobs in the field that he was working, graphic design, asked for some type of degree or schooling.

He can only work 2 days a week and weekends around school. He is still looking but we all know how that can be.

He has the option of finishing in 18 months (June of 2012) with an associates or January of 2014 with a bachelors.

mica178 · May 2011

I'm still transitioning into this combined finances thing too. It's hard for me to get used to, since I've been managing myself for over a decade, and now there's H too. Right now I make more than him, so I pay for all of our common expenses, and he puts his paycheck toward paying down his student loans. There are times when I feel a little snarky, though. He'll leave all the lights on in the house, leave all 3 three TVs on, and I'll think, "If he saw our electricity bill, he might remember to turn things off" (nevermind the whole environmental side of things!). I think this all takes getting used to, scottswife. I'll cross my fingers that things look better for you and your H (economically) soon.

Gotta get this off my chest

Re: Gotta get this off my chest

Choose Another Board

Search Boards