People assuming they're invited...? Long...

jamjar11 · September 2010

Has anyone has this happen? And how did you handle it?

Recently we have had this happen quite a few times. Some of it has come from FI's family, which I kind of expected because its a huge, very tight-knit family. Word of the wedding got around and FI has been getting texts and Facebook comments like, "Oh, I can't wait for your wedding!" And these are from people that we kind of decided we didn't need to invite because he has not seen them or talked to them much in a few years.

The rest of it is totally my own fault, and I realize that. 4 of the girls that work for me have, on separate occasions, made comments like, "I can't wait to go to your wedding, its going to be so much fun!" Although I have never made any mention of inviting them, I have never made any mention of not inviting them, either. And I know its my fault because I'm totally guilty of talking about wedding stuff at work. In my own defense, my store does A LOT of wedding related business, and ever since I got the ring on my finger every single time theres a wedding related conversation it becomes a big, excited clamor about my wedding. I've tried to keep it to a minimum and even try to change the subject, but I spend so much time with these people (I work a lot lol) that if I didn't let out my thoughts and excitement once and a while I'd give myself an aneurysm.

I would LOVE to be able to invite all of the girls from my work but I just can't afford them and all of their SO's. FI and I made our guest list exactly at the limit we could afford. I know at least a couple of them would not be able to come because someone has to run the store lol. At this point I am thinking I should just go ahead and try to find the money somewhere to be able to invite them, because if I don't it will be a big disappointment for most of them. As for his family, I'm lost on what to do. Its kind of snowballing out of control on that end.

Any advice?

quotequeen · September 2010

You need to nip this in the bud now. Whenever somebody says "I can't wait to come to your wedding!" respond by saying "Oh, that's very sweet, but we're having a small wedding. Let's plan to get together another time!"

For your co-workers, I would either find a way to invite the ones you are close to, or have an honest conversation with a couple of them about how you wish you could invite everybody from work but you just can't.

wiwicaty · September 2010

I don't have experience with big, tight-knit families but as far as friends and co-workers are concerned, I have been very careful when talking about the wedding. We're on a budget and I know that if the guest count goes out of control it's going to be a problem.

Since day one I've been saying that it is our wish to keep the wedding intimate, which is true, without having to explain the reason. We even put it on the website. This way I can still engage in fun wedding chit chat without hurting anyone's feelings. Of course, with a destination wedding it's easier to hold on the "mystery" factor.

I suggest you pick up a more "diplomatic" attitude from now on to avoid further stress on this front. With your co-workers the situation is a little sticky, being that you haven't made clear from the beginning that the wedding will be intimate. You should find a tactful way to announce that to them. If it can help you, our ceremony will be web-casted so that our families in Italy can enjoy it. It might be something you want to consider.

Good Luck!

jennylove810 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:d74cc0e2-d4d6-47f3-be9a-43b4c6e70cc5">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to nip this in the bud now. Whenever somebody says "I can't wait to come to your wedding!" respond by saying "Oh, that's very sweet, but we're having a small wedding. Let's plan to get together another time!" For your co-workers, I would either find a way to invite the ones you are close to, or have an honest conversation with a couple of them about how you wish you could invite everybody from work but you just can't.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

This exactly. And make a really strong effort to not discuss your wedding at work. Whenever you get the urge, just... don't.

sister2groom · September 2010

Just whatever you do, keeping your mouth shut is infinitely better than flippantly offering invites then later recanting.

I was with a group of friends when some of them starting getting really excited about going the upcoming wedding of one girl who had literally just gotten engaged. The engaged girl probably felt put on the spot but just blurted out that she was going to invite all of us. I would never have expected an invite but I still felt a bit snubbed that I wasn't invited (which was sill really because we really hadn't been remotely close for a while). Even just saying nothing in response and just smiling would have been better.

soontobeschooley · September 2010

I kind of have the same problem you do but just with co-workers. Because I have a very large and very close-knit family, I cannot imagine NOT inviting them...but that means I have to cut out my co-workers. Like you, I have never told them they were invited, but everyone constantly asks me questions about it. At first I would spill and talk all about it, but now I have become very closed about it and just tell everyone "Its going." I don't say any more than that.

jamjar11 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:d2f04097-0cfb-4e1d-9c96-e7a02dff6a53">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of have the same problem you do but just with co-workers. Because I have a very large and very close-knit family, I cannot imagine NOT inviting them...but that means I have to cut out my co-workers. Like you, I have never told them they were invited, but everyone constantly asks me questions about it. At first I would spill and talk all about it, but now I have become very closed about it and just tell everyone "Its going." I don't say any more than that.
Posted by soontobeschooley[/QUOTE]

<div>That exactly my situation, except my friends and co-workers have kind of been put on the back burner because of FI's giant family. My family consists of 6 people total. TOTAL. And I have three friends on the original guest list. So out of 70 people on our original guest list, my portion is 9, his is 61. I didn't really care about it at the time, but now that I'm in the awkward situation where these girls really care about me and how the wedding planning is going, and I can't afford to invite them, I kind of feel like its a little unfair. I talked to FI about it and he says, "I think you should invite them" but in response to that I ask, "With what money?" Our catering bill comes to $25 pp plus tax, service charge, gratuity, cake, etc. So we are looking at hundreds of dollars that we just don't have laying around.</div><div>
</div><div>The only saving grace is that some of his mother's side of the family may not attend (FI is bi-racial, there were a lot of people who didn't accept his father), but they all live in town so you never know. I have not met any of them so I don't know if I can count on them not coming. </div><div>
</div><div>And there is a problem with only inviting the coworkers that I feel closest to: these girls all work UNDER me! So there is no truly diplomatic way to go about picking and choosing who I invite. No matter what, someone may feel like I have favorites, which couldn't be further from the truth. Could I just invite the management team and not the low level associates? But even then... there are associates I have worked with for YEARS and I brought them over from other stores specifically because they are so fantastic! And then it comes down to who would actually work that night. We are a mall store, so our night girls are there until 10pm, which is right about when the wedding will end. At least 2 people will have to miss it.</div><div>
</div><div>My wedding is in April, so I guess I have a little while to figure it out. I just don't know if I should continue not addressing it at all or what. I did have a little convo with one of the girls, along the lines of I wish I could invite everyone from work but I just can't afford to, and she was totally nice about it. But this was months ago, and since then I have really made an effort not to talk about my own wedding at work. But these couple of things don't seem to be doing anything.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sooo non-confrontational when it comes to my personal life. Which is why I don't have "close" or "not close" friends in the first place. Everyone is essentially at the same arm's length. I just really don't want to hurt any feelings, or let any of this interfere with any work relationships that took a lot of care to establish.</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry for the vent, guys. And thank you for all of your advice.</div>

wiwicaty · September 2010

I think that if you are positive that you can't afford to invite them you should clarify things with your coworkers as soon as possible. I also think it would be bad to invite some and not others. A person I know indirectly has planned a little get together the day after the wedding for the people who couldn't make it. This is in another country so I might be suggesting something out of the question for you, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to think about a way to celebrate with the people from work, who are clearly showing a lot of enthusiasm. Personally I would consider splitting the celebration between family and friends. A traditional meal on the day of with family and something fun, simple and budget friendly with friends and co-workers the day after. Totally unusual, I know, but every situation is different so I don't see why we can't dare to be creative and adjust.

MikesAngie · September 2010

One more thing to remember you will have at least 20% of your guests will not attend for whatever reason and there may even be no shows. We have a minimum for our reception site and we are over inviting by 15% so that we meet our minimum.

My FMIL was beginning to take over the guest list with family that the FI doesn't know, and he stopped that just by mentioning that this was our wedding not a family reunion.

jennylove810 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:daa8a986-1152-43f4-9fae-12a996817dd8">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE]One more thing to remember you will have at least 20% of your guests will not attend for whatever reason and there may even be no shows. We have a minimum for our reception site and we are over inviting by 15% so that we meet our minimum. My FMIL was beginning to take over the guest list with family that the FI doesn't know, and he stopped that just by mentioning that this was our wedding not a family reunion.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

No no no! Don't listen to this, OP! My RSVP deadline is in a few days and so far I have had three people say no. THREE! Out of 156!! You must always assume that everyone will show (chances are they won't, but still). Don't EVER take it for granted that 20% will decline.

chris8tine · September 2010

Yes! I think pretty much everybody does! And it's really tough to deal with! You know no matter what you do, unless you've got a vast pit of money, you will hurt someone. All you can do is work to make it less painful for them, and for that all the suggestions above are great. Sometimes it's harder for you not to discuss wedding with your clique, or work friends, particularly if you work in a wedding-related business. I had to realize early on not to get started on wedding babble at parties, because there was always someone there that we weren't planning on inviting. In the beginning, it's even tougher because you haven't put together a full budget and guest list yet!

About a month ago, I discovered that my mom was busy inviting all of her friends, too - who were neither on the guest list nor part of the list of people she mentioned to me when I asked back when we got engaged. It's going to be a major diplomatic headache, but I figure most people's mothers won't be up to this kind of stuff. Mine is just spacy enough to not really believe that a guest list or budget are necessary. Just about the only solution I can come up with that won't have old family friends no longer speaking to us is just to increase the budget, invite them and then hope they don't come.

Sigh.

raw1299 · September 2010

like everyone else has said, you need to resolve this asap. people just cant be inviting themselves to your wedding. tell them like it is: your only inviting family only due to budget. complain and tell them how much its costing just for family. maybe theyll back off.

hanson2B · September 2010

I always respond with something like, "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it too, except money is so tight that we have to have a really small wedding. It's disappointing because there are so many great people I want to invite, that I have to leave out." I don't specifically tell them "you didn't make the cut," but after hearing that, the shouldn't be too surprised when they don't get an invite. You can also elaborate on how spending just $2 on 200 people adds up to $400 right there... sometimes I don't think people realize.

jamjar11 · September 2010

A little follow up...

So, I had a little conversation with one of the girls at work I have known the longest. We worked together at a previous company for 4 years, so we can be pretty candid with each other. She flat out asked me. "So I'm going to be invited to the wedding, right?" It was in a light manner, not meant to be rude, but it still caught me off guard. I just came right out and explained to her the whole debacle. I explained to her how the cost adds up for every single guest, and how I have to invite everyone's SO's, etc. These are the kinds of things no one thinks about until they are planning a wedding. She was very understanding, and helped me brainstorm a solution. One of the first things she mentioned was that she never brings her bf to weddings because he absolutely hates them. And she actually volunteered to get a feel for the situation with a couple of the other girls at work, to kind of hint around and play the mole for me. I crunched the numbers, and I might actually be able to pull off inviting everyone if people don't bring their SO's. I'll still put their name on the invite because I know many of them and I don't want to be rude. But if I know there is a very good chance the SO's won't come, I think I can pull it off. I know it is a risk, but I think its worth it to possibly have all these wonderful girls with me!

Thanks again ladies for your support and advice, and for helping me get up the balls to be honest about it!

krista.mauve · September 2010

Hype up the Reception only part. Tell the girls you work with and even some of the family members that it'll be a very small family dinner but that you're looking forward to the reception/party portion the most because THAT'S where you'll have all your friends with you to celebrate! They'll understand that you can't afford to have everyone at the dinner, but if you're able to invite them to the reception, they'll be just as excited. Good luck!

safieh · September 2010

You mentioned that 2 of the 4 girls at work can't come because they will have to be working the night of your wedding (because the store is open). Well then even if you had an unlimited budget for them and their SO's and could invite them all, they all wouldn't be able to attend. I would just say you've decided not to invite anyone because if they all can't come it's not fair (and you're probably in charge somewhat of their work schedules, so you'd feel pressured to choose).

sweetmystique · September 2010

I see you’ve taken care of the problem so good for you. This situation is awkward but please try and remember that people and their attendance is worth far more than flowers and other insignificant details that the majority of people won’t even notice, much less remember (not even you). You can cut out a LOT of money-related pitfalls by cutting down on flowers, food (talk with your caterer about buffets instead of sit down dinners or other less expensive alternatives). Seriously, it’s a party, nobody cares about the minute details, just as long as everyone came and had a good time. So cut corners and invite everyone. You won’t regret it !!!

Tim and Amy · September 2010

What a bummer. I know what you mean. I was worried about that, too, so I didn't post too much info on my FB. Instead, we created a joint FB and only friend requested those invited to the wedding.

Also, we didn't put the time or location (only the date). Emphasize on FB how small and quaint the wedding will be.

As far as family goes...that's a tough one. You really have to decide whether it's just immediate family (which would buy you an excuse) or if there is already extended family coming...you may want to invite the "others" who seemingly invited themselves. Remember that plenty of people will say, I'd love to come...but when it comes down to it, people mysteriously "don't have money" or have other conflicts.

If your wedding is in April, believe me...half of those extended family members and co-workers won't be able to come, anyway.

I like the suggestion of having a separate, less formal party.

You can always politely say you're having a small, family wedding, which would buy you the excuse out of invting coworkers. Have a happy hour party or something like that for those people.

SarahM718 · September 2010

Hey Jamjar11, I feel your pain girl! I just got engaged about 2 months ago, and of course I have been screeming it from the roof tops in my crazy excitement. Now that I am starting to research venues and it is sinking in just how much all of this costs (my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves) I am starting to panic. I have a HUGE family - I mean, humungo. The bare bones list for my side, not even inviting all my first cousins is a whopping 115 people (my mom is 1 of 13, my dad 1 of 7)!

My fiance also has a moderately large family, his side is around 60 people. SO, we have decided to only invite our friends that are in our wedding party. I just started a new job, so I don't really have to worry about inviting co-workers, which is a relief. However, I have been getting engagement cards/emails from friends that I haven't spoken to/seen in literally over a year saying things like "we can't wait for your big day!" It's really overwhelming - because I just don't know how to tell them all that I AM having a big wedding, but they just don't make the cut. One girl in particular is really more of a friend of a friend, and she is so sure she and her husband are coming - she is even emailing me on venues and wedding ideas! I know she is trying to be helpful, but we really never hang out or talk on the phone. Thing is she invited me to her wedding and baby shower - and I went. Also, she has a very, very small family - so I feel like her inviting me was almost to increase the number of people there. Ugh, I really don't know how to tell her she's not invited.

jessdayno · September 2010

Throw a bridal shower and invite them to that and explain that you are having family only at the actual wedding but you wanted to celebrate with them by having them at the shower.

idealgrl26 · September 2010

Some people have the nerve to ask "I'm invited to your wedding, right? It is hard to say sorry I wasn't planning on it. So, I always responded yes. But, in reality we can't afford to invite more people... What we have decided is to have our rehearsal dinner at my house and invite everyone who knows about our wedding.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:265fef7c-76ab-4e4e-b69d-7b6769333e13">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE] My family consists of 6 people total. TOTAL. And I have three friends on the original guest list. So out of 70 people on our original guest list, my portion is 9, his is 61. I didn't really care about it at the time, but now that I'm in the awkward situation where these girls really care about me and how the wedding planning is going, and I can't afford to invite them, I kind of feel like its a little unfair. [/QUOTE]

I understand the circumstance of your small family versus his large family but a wedding with only 9 people for the bride just doesn't feel right, especially since the case is not that you don't have people to invite. I come from a large super huge family, my fiance and I decided we'd split the guest list in half so on my list I've had to pretty much not invite as many friends just so I could invite my humongous family.
Is there any possible way you and your husband-to-be can come to a compromise where he sheds some of his least closest friends (since his family is so large) so that you can invite some of your coworkers?
By the way, you MUST assume that everyone who gets an invitation is coming.

visceralmuse · September 2010

My fiance and I went through the guest list and unfortunately had to take my coworkers off the list. When I told them that I couldn't invite them, I explained that the venue was small and that my fiance couldn't even invite the family he wanted to invite. They were totally cool about it. I am also in the situation where he has so much more family than i do that the guests are mostly his but we decided that family and close friends were more important that extended family and coworkers.

I'd add that I would be careful about inviting people to showers and other parties that are not invited to the wedding because it may come off as gift hungry.

lucky7659 · September 2010

I am having the same problem, kind of. We plan on a very small intimate wedding with a very limited number of close friends, but mostly just family. Ever since I got engaged it has been "how's the wedding, when's the wedding, where's the wedding, have you gotten a dress, can't wait for the bridal shower, let me know when the wedding is, can't wait to go" at work non-stop. I only plan on inviting 2 or 3 people from work, and the truth is they may be the first ones cut from the list. There will be a good 5 or so people that are going to be insulted by this and I just don't know how to handke it! I try very hard not to discuss the wedding at work.

soontobeharalson · September 2010

we had this happen to us, my sisters in laws thought they would be invited to the wedding (which completely baffled me). Cornered my fiance at a family get together and asked him why they weren't invited, I walked into the conversation and I just told them, we'd love to invite everyone, but we are having a very small wedding, and just can't afford to invite everyone we know. I told them that even my cousins aren't going. In your situation, I would probably start saying this like "this wedding is so expensive" or "it looks like we are going to have to have a very small list of people due to cost" or maybe "I'm really bummed that I can't invite all of you, maybe we should have a little work party to celebrate instead". It'll hurt worse later - especially if they buy you a gift thinking they are coming. It's really awkward, and there is really no easy answer, but if you start dropping little hints they may get the idea, and thats better then them just not getting a invite at all.

shannonglass17 · September 2010

Have you thought about cutting other costs for exsample have a cupcake cake there beautiful and cheeper then a real cake and you wont have the cake cutting fee. then every $25 you save by cutting costs you can invite one more person? just a thought thats what im having to do.

NickAndRae · September 2010

Oh my gosh, I know how you feel, I had people ask to be bridesmaids even..... I agree with a lot that's being said here, that you just have to say, "Well actually we're trying to keep it small and just invite family and friends that have been in our lives for (x) years." Also, you do not have to let people bring guests. As long as they know someone else at the wedding other than you, your groom, and your parties, they'll be fine. If they really don't know anyone else there, then you should let them bring a guest so that have at least one person to sit with that they already know.

Purplepixiefoot · September 2010

I had the same problem. I got really excited when we found our venue and told everyone I work with. I have a lot of close work relationships but I cant possibly find it in my budget to invite everyone. I found that the solution was actually quite simple. BLAME THE VENUE! You can only get so many people to fit inside a building, tent, etc. so use it! My venue only holds 120 people so the next time one of my coworkers mentioned being excited about the wedding, I said, 'I found out some dissappointing news. It turns out that between both sides of the family, we already have too many guests and it seems we wont be able to invite everyone we had wanted, we'll even have to cut out a few close family members." Then explain that you would love them to come but it just isnt possible. They will see it as being a space restraint rather than them 'not being worth the money' to attend. It worked very well for me and now my coworkers just ask how the plans are going. I can still have my wedding talk at work and no one feels left out. I opted to not invite anyone from work, just to keep jealousy down to a minimum,

chiwawa · September 2010

I had the same problem with members of my extended family! I was really taken aback, because I haven't seen any of them for many years and at the time I really wasn't going to invite them. Assuming you're invited to anyone's wedding (except for very close family and friends) is so rude, it made me want to invite them even less. I don't really remember how I responded, probably the facebook equivalent of "Ha ha, yeah" and changed the subject.

I agree that you should try to fit in the girls from work if you can afford to, because it sounds like you are close to them and enjoy having them there. As for the rest, politely explain (or have FI politely explain, since they're his family) that your budget unfortunately won't allow you to invite everyone you'd really like to. It's less likely to hurt their feelings than saying nothing until no invitation arrives in the mail.

nllutzy · September 2010

I am in the same boat right now! It's very difficult when my co-workers and aquaintences say, "I can't wait." I have never and would never assume I'd be invited to someone's wedding unless I am close with them...
What makes it duffucult for me is that another in the office girl is engaged and getting married prior to mine. And she has invited everyone! Oh, I don't know what to do. If I don't, do I look like a b-word?? Also, I'm not close with her, but I'm invited to hers. Do I need to invite her to mine? Then, will the other co-workers be offended if she got one (knowing we are not close) and not them...?
However, we are paying for most all of it ourselves, so it really is the truth that we are about at our max with close friends and family. I guess that's what I'll say.
I think that's what you should say too. Just explain, after tough consideration, we have decided to keep our guest list at a minimum. We just cannot afford to add more people. Best friends and family will take priority, and we don't have the money to go beyond that. Let them know you do feel badly that all of your friends and co-workers cannot join, but there just isnt enough funds. That's what I think I'll say to both mine and your situations.
Good luck!

WhitneyH11 · September 2010

If you're inviting girls from work, suggest they come as a group w/out their SO's. Most of the pointers I have read on this website suggest that you only really need to invite SO if the person you are inviting will not know anyone else at the wedding. I have a few friends I went to school with that I plan on inviting, and I know they are all still friends with each other, so they will not be getting an invite for a SO as well. I even suggested to one of my friends that we do a get together a couple of nights before the wedding and have a drink and catch up with everyone. That way I can plant the idea that they meet up before the wedding, car pool, etc. That way they wont feel like they're coming to the wedding alone.

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