Bridesmaidzilla

rmarks86 · March 2010

Check out this website for photography in Georgia. He seems to have prices around $600.
http://www.gregwhitephotography.com/rates.htm

Reginalynch · March 2010

I think A's size may be the problem. She may not be feel comfortable being the big girl in the pictures. She may also be embarrassed to have a dress made for the reason that most places do not carry her size. If you were as big as her would you want to walk down the isle letting everyone look at you? Some women are happy with the way they look at any size and others hate the idea of bringing attention to themselves.

I think she is looking for an out. She has even told you that she would rather be behind the camera rather than in front of it. You should just understand that she is not happy being part of the wedding party and would rather help in some other way.

Reginalynch · March 2010

......so just tell her that you think that you understand how big of a job the pictures will be and if she wants to help B then that is ok with you.

cmolinaphotog · March 2010

Give her a deadline. Tell her you have to know by such and such date and if not you're going to have to plan without her. Also, if B is renting $600 worth of equipment he's going to expect you to pay him back for, you should tell him never mind and try to find a professional photographer instead to spend that money on. I don't know B's photographic experience but I do know the regret of not hiring a professional to document your special memories. When I got married I knew nothing about photography and had a family member who I thought could handle it do the pictures for me. They didn't do terrible but in all sincerity, if I had it to do over again I would have spent less money elsewhere and made the photographer my priority. Because seriously, after your wedding day is gone, the only thing you have left is an expensive dress that will stay packed away for a long time and your pictures. It's worth the investment to know you have someone who knows what they're doing in all lighting situations and isn't going to miss an important shot. I wish you all the best, not only on your wedding day but in your marriage as well!!

Titos#1girl · March 2010

WOW!!!! Your sister and her husband are being ridiculous and I'm sorry that this is something that you have to go through. Maybe it's just me but if you feel that there is going to be any anymosity on your wedding day then maybe your sister should just be in the pews...and her husband, you can find a student at a loal college who has at least some sort of knowledge who will do it for less than 600 although I'm convinced that as your BIL he should really just do it as a gift. DO NOT buy your sisters dress!!! If she didn't want to be in your wedding she should have told you that from the start....

That being said you ight want to consider putting yourself in your sisters shoes and consider that maybe it is her size that's making her wishy washy and that she may be a little embarrassed. you won't learn this without talking to her. She may really want o be a part of your day but she's not telling yousomething, talk to her, just you and her and let her know that you want to understand where she is coming from...and if push comes to shove, make her a personal attendant , that way she can still be a part of the day but she doest have to be in plane sight if that's what she's worried about.

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · March 2010

I feel your pain.

My older sister is my MOH, living in NY and I'm in GA. I've been handling almost all the wedding things without her assistance. Today, she freaked out because my parents asked her to put a hotel reservation for some of my aunts coming from Korea on her credit card, although they would reimburse her. She calls me to complain that she had to do that, because she's on a tight budget. When I explained to her that her card won't get charged (she has an MBA from MIT for god's sake), she said that I was very controlling, and quote "that's fine, I'm done, I've done my part." She then hung up on me. We then had a long email exchange where she told me I was very controlling and not grateful to her. My sister's last email to me says, "Why don’t you just leave me be, and carry on without lecturing or puffing up all you have done and what I haven’t done. If you want to make this into a pissing match, then, I’m sorry for you."

IIn contrast, my other BM, who's my best friend, has hosted my engagement party, bridal shower, and accompanied me to get my dress and order flowers. She's the real, de facto MoH, and has been a pillar of strength.

Le SIGH.

Hang in there. We will MAKE it!

Christina Bride · March 2010

I'm in NC, but a photographer and assistant (2 photographers more or less) and a full day of shooting (approx. 450 pics) all on a CD is $550. So you may want to consider shopping around. You can always have your pic printed at a kiosk from the CD & have professional prints ordered from the photographer when you have the extra cash.

As for your family I have no advice, only opinion, but I wish you the best of luck & patience and a very happy wedding.

terrilynn19 · March 2010

If your brother-in-law doesn't have the equipment to do a small-budget wedding, then he probably doesn't have the skills to take the photos either. I'm a photographer, not full time, but I went to college and got myself a diploma in photographic studies and believe me, it doesn't take much to take decent photos if you know what you're doing. These are the photographs you will be showing your children, your grandchilden, your great-grandchildren, etc., so you will want something to be proud of. Believe me, you'll regret it if they don't come out the way you want them to. That being said, you don't have to pay a fortune for them either. I believe someone already suggested looking for a student who's almost finished their studies in photography who will do it for cheap to help build their portfolio, Go to the local college/university and speak with the photography professor and ask them to recommend someone who's doing well in the class. At least you'll know that they have the skills to do a good job. Or try looking on facebook. A lot of photographers who are just starting out and trying to build a career for themselves have facebook groups and usually have samples of their photos posted. Look for one who has done a wedding or two and see if you can contact the people they've taken photos for. A friend of mine did a wedding with just one camera and a flash and did a fantastic job with what he had to work with. If your brother in law doesn't own a decent camera and flash, then he's definitely not serious enough to take wedding photos. I would try to find someone else. It'll probably cause you a lot less worry in the long run.

megmalefire · March 2010

I think that looking into a college is a great idea for finding a photographer. I'm a digital photography student right now and many of the students I go to school with love doing weddings to build our portfolio. Another thing about going with a student is that most schools require consumerpro equiptment like at my school. And if you find a student through school, if they need certain equiptment like flashes and different lens, they can find a way to rent them for free. I go to the art institue and I am able to check professional cameras, lens, and lighting all for free. And we have forms were we can rent them out for a weekend at a time, so I would look into finding a student at the art institue in Portland because they have the same kind equiptment "cage" where the student can rent this stuff! Best of luck finding a photographer!

elizabethangel · March 2010

Re: BM - I agree with both, if she gets a dress, she's in, if not, she's out. Obviously popular opinion. You could even print/link all these comments to bear witness.

Re: Photos - I am an art major. I never knew how much wedding photography costed until I started searching for my own wedding. Upon learning that the good photographers are $1500-$4000, I dropped the search and asked one of my art student friends to do it for me for $100. She was happy to agree as she wants a bigger portfolio. Here are our engagment pics, done by her as a practice run http://hopescreations.blogspot.com/2010/01/z-engagement-shoot.html Take away lesson : STUDENTS PROVIDE AMAZING AMATURE WORK. And they work for nearly nothing. For $400, you could by her a round-trip plane ticket and pay her $100!!! You could put up a flyer in your own community college. DO NOT pay a non-pro brother in law $600 when you're already frustrated by how he's treating you. You have options.

nicoleandgeoff · March 2010

I understand where you're coming from...

one of my oldest friends is going to be a bridesmaid, and she's just been a night mare... she complained about all of my ideas, from the venue to the timeframe, to the food. she is also bigger, and insisted on having a super tight dress (i originally wanted everyone to choose their own dresses, so that they would all be comfterable -- i have since changed my mind). it got to the point where my fiance told me if i didn't kick her out, he would.

then i took her to see my dress, and after complaining about it and telling me it didn't look right --for like 45 minutes!!-- she broke down crying. I realized that she's just been a pain because she's a naturally dramatic person, and she can't help being jealous because my life is going AMAZINGLY --and hers isn't. but the biggest thing is that she is actually very sentimental and sad that I'm growing up and moving away.

so anyways, my advice for your bridesmaid is to consider why she might be acting the way she is. if it's anything you can forgive her for, forgive her. if she's just being selfish and awful, move on and don't let her ruin anything else for you. it's YOUR wedding.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

Crap, we got mentioned in the email again, didn't we? That always seems to be the source of all the newbs...

bablingbrooke · March 2010

What email?

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

They've been sending out an email occasionally with "highlights" from the boards. That's how the "I'm uptight about FI's bachelor party" thread on Chit Chat went from reasonable discussion to ZOMG NEWBOCAPLYSE and twelve pages long (literally).

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Seriously? I have a problem with that. I did not sign up to be sent to someone's inbox.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

They send emails about the boards? I might have to check my knot email address someday to clear it out...

jmones · March 2010

A seems like so much drama! I agree with the others- if she buys her dress then she's in, and if she doesn't buy her dress then she's out. Simple as that. She should understand that you don't have the funds and NOT get butt-hurt if she doesn't want to pay and therefore is out of the wedding.

As far as the photographer issue, you can hire a decent photographer for $600 or less and develop your own photos online for super cheap. If you absolutely have nothing to pay for a photographer, you can find photographers online who are willing to do TFPs (trade-for-prints) just because they want to build their portfolios. So with TFPs you'd be pretty much volunteering and trading your wedding for a CD of the images. Just make sure you have a signed contract w/the photographer saying that none of the images are to be used for profit and that they're for portfolio use only (there's TFP contracts you can find online too). Go go google and search for these and you'll find hundreds of photographers.

cbsongwriter · March 2010

In Response to Bridesmaidzilla:
Sorry to hear that! Definitely find a photographer - we charged less than that to build our experience and used our equipment and wouldn't thinkg to surprise anyone with that kind of $600 surprise after it was agreed to.
If she wants out of the BM role accept, let her tizzy off and on and make your plans to include or not her.. but tell the caterers she will be sitting with the guests but ask if she may move if needed.. and if at the last minute she gets the dress together and is ready to go, move her up if you can, or tell her she had to be seated at table c for planning purposes...
I don't want to be at the whim of undecided people... I love contingency plans and when something looks like a maybe I hope to plan around it and add it at the last minute as a bonus... but most importantly she asked for an out and you sound like you want to take it if mom's not stepping in to make sure no one does anything they don't regret later.. sigh, rolls eyes..

emitob · March 2010

DO NOT USE A FAMILY MEMBER TO TAKE YOUR WEDDING PHOTOS.

My mom and dad got married 25 years ago and a cousin who was "really good with photography" offered to take photos for free. NOT the area to cut costs.

My mom has about 5 good photos from her wedding day. Plus has a cousin who she never spoke to ever again.

If you are unhappy with the photos 1)you will never get that moment back 2)you will lose A and B from your life. Guaranteed.

HIRE A PROFESSIONAL!!!!

tpicton · March 2010

all these ladies are so smart

Totally agree.. she doesnt want to be in the wedding could be because she is self concious about her weight like someone said earlier.

but the BIL.. um you said hes not pro... what is he doing renting equipment?????
i think he's trying to use his head on you

follow the advice of these ladies.. go on campus ..get a student in the photography class..

this way you are helping someone out.. and still getting good pictures... TWO nice things in one day!

foursixquebec · March 2010

I'm not trying to discredit how you feel, because I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes, but the first thing I thought of when reading your post was, that poor girl - and I meant your sister. The reason I say this is because - maybe you haven't thought of this - maybe she's just ashamed of her size, doesn't want to stand up next to girls that are average-sized that will only make her look/feel worse, and doesn't want to have a dress made for her because it will make her feel as big as a house.

That being said, just try to have a little compassion and even if you don't think this is the case, try to look at it that way - as if she is to be pitied and kind of treated delicately just because of her size. Think about it - if it were you, how would you feel? If I were big enough to have to have a dress made for me, I would be completely mortified and humiliated to be in a wedding, have attention be on me, and be in so many photos, with a body I hate being it. I'd be afraid that people were whispering about me and shaking their heads behind my back. And if it was my sister's wedding, I'd be absolutely depressed that I couldn't be there/ be in it with her/for her. I'd probably be crying myself to sleep at night, hating myself the whole time. But if she is also slightly proud, she won't want to admit all of that to you; she wants to make it your choice to have her out of the wedding, because that takes the blame/guilt off of her. The fact that she's wavering sounds to me like she's afraid to disappoint you...

Please don't think I'm saying YOU are wrong - you are absolutely not!!! You are right to feel the way you do - I'm just trying to say it might be easier to see her as a victim of her own bad choices rather than seeing her as someone who is supposed to care about you who is trying to ruin your day. Maybe I'm totally wrong and she's just being an asshole, but if you try taking a different approach, a sympathetic approach, maybe you'll see/find out something that you don't know yet.

I would let her be behind the camera instead of in front of it, if she wanted to be, because maybe that's her self-consciousness talking. About her husband taking the pictures though, I'd SERIOUSLY reccommend against doing that. If he screws up you will resent them forever, and you will never be able to get those memories back. Get someone who knows what they're doing; I like the photography/art student idea, or try to find a photographer just starting out (that's what we did) who is eager to please & to make you AND him/herself look good.

Good luck!!

wildcass · March 2010

Well, Just go with your MOH and C if your sister is being this difficult she 1 doesnt deserve the honer and 2 she doesnt really want it. If she was up to the challange she'd be enthusiatic about the process and she'd tell you what she likes in a dress... Seriously its stressful enough without A adding to the pressure, so go ahead with your plans without her. After all its your day not hers

krispix18 · March 2010

Family members are the worst to work with, even though they should be the easiest! While your actions will be strutinized, these family members think theirs shouldn't be. Before you many any more decisions, determine which is going to be more stressful to you: worrying about bad blood between you and your sister and BIL, or stressing about their part in your wedding and how it will affect your special day. There are going to be consequences for each, but you have to decide which will be more important. I personally would drop A and B, and go with my own plan C but that is your call!

I think you should make a decision about your BIL before your sister. If you know he has some talent as a photographer, and you think it will be worth it to even try him, get a list of what he wants paid for and make up some sort of contract like previously mentioned (you wouldn't book your location or order your food without a clear sense of what your paying for, so why should the photog be any different?). If you decide to use him, you could mention that you like the idea of your sister helping him out and that it would be a perfect role for her. That solves the BM problem then...and you didn't have to actually kick her out of the bridal party! The drawback is worrying about their quality of work, and 'making do' instead of doing their best.

If you don't use your BIL as the photog, then you will have to decide about your sister. Discuss with your mom and sister, and any other wise family members you can speak freely with, and come up with the best way to approach her about it. This is your day, and you have too many things other things to worry about. Explain to her that you would love for her to be a part of your wedding, but you have to have some things finalized by a certain date, and one of those things is knowing how many will be in the wedding party and that they will all be clothed properly. Also, that you didn't put BM dresses and GM tuxes in your budget and you don't think it would be fair to pay for her dress, but no one else's. Then it's off your plate, on to hers, and if she is still undecided by that date then she's out. This drawback is not knowing how they will react to not using your BIL and giving your sister a deadline/responsibility.

Like many have already said, student photogs are great: generally they are inexpensive and eager to please! Another option I hadn't seen yet (but I might have missed it) is check your social networks for those with a hobby for photography. Some people just have that eye for the shot and enjoy doing it, so they often have their own equipment and will also work for free or very little. You might have to buy some items for either of these choices, like disks or memory cards, but not $600 worth!

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out wonderfully! No matter what happens, it is all about you and your love for your soon-to-be-hubby. Good luck!

nicoleskala · March 2010

I really like what everyone else is saying about going with someone else for a photographer. My fiancee's brother had a friend be the "photographer" at his wedding, and although it didn't turn out terribly, some of the pics were off-center and we (as the family and friends) had to tell him what groups of people to have in the various pictures. My Fiancee's parents still mention how they didn't get the family pics they wanted. Putting it in writing is definitely good, but unfortunately for you, if he's not a pro, you'll have to micro-manage his job of making a list of what family/bridal party/couple pics to take. A photographer has an eye for how shots will look and if he doesn't know, you'll be deciding all the shots on the wedding day.

I also feel that your sister should take care of the dress herself. Maybe she feels she can't find anything that will look good on her, so she's just waiting for someone else to figure it out. But I bet that she won't like the dress that ends up being made for her either. I definitely would suggest looking at David's Bridal or somewhere that has dresses made for plus sizes. And it's not the end of the world if she's not a BM. Just tell her that you'd love her to be, but you'll be fine if she's not. Maybe she can do a reading at the ceremony instead, so she still has a part of the whole thing. But I understand your pain! I've had some drama with my SIL and it just sucks that weddings are the time that all this comes out.

madkat13 · March 2010

You know, A pretty much said she didn't want to be a BM, so let her be a guest. Since it was her idea, you are off the hook.
As for B, I would not let him do the pictures. He may get pissed of at you for something stupid, and just take bad pictures. You don't want to mess with your pictures, they will be your memories of your most special day.

allyser · March 2010

Sounds like she is jealous of you and wants to make things difficult.

jlrowell · March 2010

Forget her! Thats so selfish! you seriously can't tell me that she can't buy cheap fabric and a pattern for your wedding! Or even a cheap dress! My mom buys all kinds of (really nice) things from macys with like a million discounts for practically nothing. Just forget her, send her an invitation, and let the other girl take her place. Good Luck!

Mekare · March 2010

I'm especially concerned about the photographer situation... My FI is a professional photographer, but he's still learning and is willing to charge only a printing fee for weddings. You can DEFINITELY find a student, building a portfolio is everything for them, and they can be very talented. They will cost a lot less.
My FI has worked hard over the years to get his equipment, but he knows how to use all of the expensive pieces. I can't imagine paying $500 for a non professional to take my pictures.
And about the bridesmaid? She obviously doesn't want to be in the wedding. Don't worry about her! She can be a guest. Enjoy yourself, and the friend who wants to be in the wedding. I think it'll work out just fine for you.

Sigalicious · March 2010

#1: I agree with blackfire's suggestion of looking into hiring a student photographer instead of using your BIL, especially since he is not even a professional and you did not mention that he is even skilled to do this. I don't know about you but the pictures are VERY important to me so be sure that you think about their importance to you. If they are high on your list this isn't something to mess with. Your BIL doesn't exactly come cheap anyways if this equipment is costing $600 so far...before photo processing. Photographers come in all different price categories and offer many packages, according to your liking. Also some may charge per hour and some per number of pictures that you want taken. In my opinion this dilemma is sure to pose future problems between yourself, your BIL, and your sister. I know that the bride's parents usually pay for the wedding itself and the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner so is there any way that your FI's parents can chip in and help pay for a photographer? Perhaps you can even request for them to give this to you both in lieu of your wedding gift. If you do use your BIL then make sure you talk specifically about ALL costs...I don't think that he offered to pay for this equipment charge, and you need to be active in all monetary decisions since you are on a tight budget. It isn't up to him to decide what you want out of his services, it is up to you to be clear and vocal about that. He might not be on the same page as you with your expectations of him. Communication is key, otherwise you will have an even bigger headache on your hands and it will be partially your fault.

#2 Sorry, but to be blunt your sister is just being a selfish BEOTCH! She should have never accepted to be in your bridal party from the get-go if she really didn't want to. And she is your sister for crying out loud!, what kind of person doesn't want to stand up for her own sister! Obviously there must be a strained relationship between the two of you for her to act like this. But she is an adult and it is up to her to COMMUNICATE to you whether or not she wants to be part of your wedding party. And although this seems to upset you greatly, if she is really being this annoying and childish then you really need to come to a decision of whether or not you truly want to have her in your wedding party and deal with more b.s. and last minute troubles while anticipating the greatest day of your life! But she did express to you once that she did not want to be a part of it so to tell you the truth just tell her that if she feels that way that you need to know NOW and that is her decision. Don't wait any longer...I don't understand why some people responded to you and said that you have "plenty" of time to get bridesmaid dresses, I see that you don't have that much time...I know that I wouldn't want to wait til' last minute to pick them out, order, and alter them. I assume you would also need to know how many girls are going to stand up for you so that you have the same number of guys standing up for your FI. I was going to suggest that maybe your sister is very insecure about her weight, just as traceylou did, and maybe that is why she is acting this way...but that is still no excuse for her inconsiderate behavior. Most of us aren't happy with the way we look anyhow so that is no reason to treat those we love like sh*t! Be proactive and make a decision-you will feel better in the end that you took charge and stood up for yourself! Don't be a pushover, it just makes you feel like you have no control of the current situation!

butterkitchen · March 2010

Lol, lol, lol.... I totally feel your agony! My little sis is overseas, one of my bridesmaids is interstate and the two close by are so busy with work that I am having trouble getting them fitted. I asked everyone for measurements- gor one of the girls, one is "losing weight" so she refuses to share measurements, one gave me a very vague idea and my sister has been a nightmare!
I chose a dress that was the right colour, available in the shop in all sizes, and was planning to take the measurements in to make sure they were perfect. Then, my sister decides she doesn't like the dress, apparently it will make her look frumpy (she owns similar dresses and they look great on her) and has decided she will not wear strapless (thanks for telling me now!) and has been sending me link after link of dresses (and colours) that she likes. I told her because she is overseas, I will send her the dress so she can get it altered. Nope, she wants to have it altered THE DAY BEFORE the wedding, when she flies in (jetlagged no less). Great! I said I am happy for her to choose a cut of dress if she will not wear one I have chosen but I would need her measurements to get in made from here so I can order all the dresses in the same fabric. She said "No, how about I o pick a dress in silver"... I said it would be difficult as there a thousand shades of grey and it won't match. After a 2 hour argument, she said "just get me the stupid "brown" dress (it is silver?) and that she likes it. She is a size 12-14 and she ended with, just get me a size 18 because it is such a small cut that I'll need a huge one if that's the 8 on you.... LOVELY! I have 4 months to go, which is how long dreses take to arrive if ordered direct and custom, otherwise, I will be praying to find something in stores before then. Yay. Tell your sister to get her act together if she wants to be a part of such a special day of you life and to co-operate. Bridesmaids are supposed to help take the pressure off, not add more stress to you. i am paying for my sister's dress (only hers as she is flying in from overseas) and now she wants me to get one alot more expensive than originally agreed. Hmmmm, sigh. I keep thinking- would I do this to her when she gets married? No way. And there is the simple answer. Expect to be treated as you would treat them if the situation was reversed. Good luck! Hope it all works out

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