Difficult Question

ehassett · December 2011

Hi all,

So, a few people have asked me questions like "What do you want me to get you for the wedding?" My usual response is to tell them where we are registered and suggest a few specific gifts that I think might be appropriate to that person. The surprising reply is, "Yeah, I looked at your registry and I don't want to give you any of that stuff, what else do you want?"

This really frustrates me because a) we live in a beautiful, but small place and don't have room for things we really won't use and b) we put a lot of work into the registry so that people would know what we wanted.

So far, I've tried politely explaining the above points, but that is often taken as an insult.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

LittleMissCutiePie · December 2011

I can understand the pressures of putting together a good registry, however peope don't ask you this an insult. They feel like they want to get you the best, and they don't want to end up buying you something off-registry in case a) you don't like it or b) someone gets you a duplicate of their gift, but at the same time they don't see anything that has their "personality" in the gift. They probably want to give you something that has their "personal stamp" on it. For instance, your bubbly friend from work doesn't want to get you a breadmaker, because when you look at her gift, she wants you to think of her. Do you have any hobbies? Do you and your FI like art? Maybe register for a couple of crazy items, that won't take up a lot of space. FI and I registered for a couple wall hangings, because it was suggested we get "eclectic" items for the hard-to-please-crowd. Because as much as they want to please you, they also want to be proud of what they give you.

cebrady89 · December 2011

I agree, OP, I think it's ridiculous when people scoff at registries - we register for a reason!

I would just tell people who say things like that that you put a lot of thought into your registry and that you would be happy to have any of the items on your registry - maybe mention that you registered because you think it's a helpful guide for your guests. Subtly make sure they understand that you'd prefer a registry gift.

That being said, just because you hint toward your registry doesn't mean that guests will all shop from it - I'd just hope that they include a gift receipt if they give you something you already have or don't need, and maybe a completion discount on your registry should help you fill in the missing items.

Good luck!

Simply Fated · December 2011

"The surprising reply is, "Yeah, I looked at your registry and I don't want to give you any of that stuff, what else do you want?" What could their reasons be for not liking your registry items? Do you mind telling us where you registered and what type of stuff you registered for? Maybe we can help you expand a bit on your registry.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

Any chance that they're "I don't like anything on your registry" is code for "I can't afford anything on your registry?"

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_difficult-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7f03906f-c59c-4c57-94f8-fc8845bab485Post:2361d610-5e3d-4b79-8bdc-0889270e1118">Re: Difficult Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Any chance that they're "I don't like anything on your registry" is code for "I can't afford anything on your registry?"
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I agree with Edie and MrsB. Something seems off about this questioning you're receiving.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

And now that I've been quote, I realize that I typed "they're" instead of "their". Oops. I really do know the difference. ;-)

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_difficult-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7f03906f-c59c-4c57-94f8-fc8845bab485Post:c5aa5e92-f6f6-444d-96d1-e18b419409b0">Re: Difficult Question</a>:
[QUOTE] I can understand the pressures of putting together a good registry, however peope don't ask you this an insult. They feel like they want to get you the best, and they don't want to end up buying you something off-registry in case a) you don't like it or b) someone gets you a duplicate of their gift, but at the same time they don't see anything that has their "personality" in the gift. They probably want to give you something that has their "personal stamp" on it. For instance, your bubbly friend from work doesn't want to get you a breadmaker, because when you look at her gift, she wants you to think of her. Do you have any hobbies? Do you and your FI like art? Maybe register for a couple of crazy items, that won't take up a lot of space. FI and I registered for a couple wall hangings, because it was suggested we get "eclectic" items for the hard-to-please-crowd. Because as much as they want to please you, they also want to be proud of what they give you.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

If this is the case, then the appropriate response would be "Well, then, anything you pick out will be great, I'm sure!" Because you can't really tell someone what THEY want to get you.

But I do agree that if you're getting this question a lot, I'd take a hard look at your price points.

sweetredhead · December 2011

I got this question from 2 different couples. I really think they wanted to find something special we didn't think to register for. Why ? Who knows. One got us a wedding themed photo album that I actually like. The other got us a lot of the little kitchen tools and gadgets on our registries.

mandi921vh · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_difficult-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7f03906f-c59c-4c57-94f8-fc8845bab485Post:2361d610-5e3d-4b79-8bdc-0889270e1118">Re: Difficult Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Any chance that they're "I don't like anything on your registry" is code for "I can't afford anything on your registry?"
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm thinking this too...</div>

rlavach · December 2011

Why would someone say that? That is so weird. I have a few more months before my shower, so I'm sure I'll get odd questions like that too. I agree that either they want to get you something super special & personal, or it's code for 'too expensive.'

MyNameIsNot · December 2011

I had one person make a similar comment. I forgot how I responded, but somehow I got her to explain that she just wasn't really interested in buying us "home" stuff. THis was one of my younger friends that just isn't into that kind of stuff right now, so it made sense. It might be something where the friend is just looking at a bunch of sheets and towels and kitchen things thinking "how boring!"

Wiscisbliss · December 2011

I sometimes think this if the couple registers for items that are not in my taste... like everything they registered for is white. I happen to like colors.
BUT - I never say anything to the B&G, I just buy something that they would like, even if it is white and I think it is boring :P

Other people do like to get more personalized items... so maybe that is it too.

I would say, "Our registry has stuff that we really would like/need, but I'm sure you can use it as inspiration to find something more creative." OR "Our registry has stuff that we really would like, but we don't need anything. We just hope you can come to the wedding!"

AurorasEnvy · December 2011

I agree, they either want to be "special" by buying something not from the registry like everyone else, or the price points of the registry are too much for them. IMO the former is a little ridiculous in that someone believes that they can pick out a better gift for you than you can for yourself.

I've asked close friends before if there is anything they'd like they they weren't able to put on their registry because they don't sell it at the registry store, seems to be an odd gift, etc. It wasn't to meant to imply that I didn't like what they had registered for, just a chance to ask for something that they couldn't ask the average wedding guest to buy for them. But I do agree that it is kind of odd to say they don't want to buy you anything you've registered for, as in perhaps implying they don't care what you've picked out.

If there is something you can think of that isn't on your registry that you'd legitimately like, I don't see a problem in telling them that. Otherwise, I'd just do like you have been doing and reiterate your reasons for registering for your items - maybe highlight a specific item you are really excited to receive? If they still aren't satisfied, like PPs have suggested just tell them that they really don't have to buy you a gift.

ElisabethJoanne · December 2011

I agree with the consensus.

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