Ugly?

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Hi Everyone!

I've been feeling really ugly lately and I wanted to ask if this has happened to anyone else. I'm not trying to sound vain here, so take it for what it is.

Basically, my whole life I considered myself to be really attractive. I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw--I always thought I had a really pretty face, a decent body, and a nice butt. I liked the way my clothes fit. Around sophomore year of college, I started gaining weight. Between sophomore year and the time I graduated, I put on about 30 pounds. I've been exercising and watching what I eat this summer and I've lost 10 pounds. I physically feel better, but when I look in the mirror, I still feel ugly. I am convinced I have like 6 chins, I don't think my face is very pretty anymore, I don't like my body, and I only buy clothes that "camouflage" my fat.

BF tells me that he thinks I'm still beautiful and sexy and always has. But I feel like he has to say that because he's my BF.

My mother and brother told me how fat I look. My mother recently lost 25 pounds and gave me all of her fat clothes. My brother is, what he calls, "gay skinny"--6'1'' and 155 pounds. I am 5'4 1/2" and I was 173. Now I'm 162. I'm still overweight. I hope by the end of the summer, I'll be able to lose another 10 pounds.

Is it normal to gain weight and suddenly feel hideous and un-feminine? What are your experiences with body image/weight gain?

catemeg · July 2010

First, your brother's weight is rather unhealthy. Don't let him call you fat, because his body image is all skewed.

Second, there is no one perfect body size. We all are healthy at different weights, regardless of height. However, there is a healthy range, and we all know more or less when we're being healthy. If you feel unhealthy, then exercise and a healthy diet will help. If you feel ugly, that's something that no diet or exercise can fix on its own.

May I recommend Weight Watchers - they have an online system that helped me lose 15 pounds last summer, and it really focuses on balanced eating, treating yourself occasionally (rather than depriving) and exercise. I need to go back on it, because I always feel so good about myself when I am doing it.

Right now, I feel larger than I would like to be. This is the heaviest I have been in my life, and I'm not happy with it. We do all have those moments, but the best thing you can do is focus on being healthy. Exercise and a well-balanced diet can really help!

hetshup · July 2010

I wrote you a nice long response, and TK ate it. Let me try again.

If you are uncomfortable with your body, it doesn't really matter what your BF says, right? He wouldn't say it unless it was true. I think it's really important to realize that you may not ever get yourr teenage body back, that's basically what you are pining for. It's completely normal to be used to one body that you've had for a while, and not be comfortable with your new one. I would say just ignore your family, but I haven't mastered that myself yet. Also, don't look at your weight, what size clothes do you want to fit in? Do you? I weigh WAY more then most people my size, b\c I am heavily muscled. (I weigh 142 and wear a size 2-4 in pants, but I have giant shoulders). The point is, the scale =/= health. Your brother is actually really skinny, likely in an unhealthy way.

HTH

Ana_2985 · July 2010

First, I don't think your brother's weight is unhealthy. When FI was younger (but still a fully grown man) he was probably about that size. Yes, he looked skinny, but he was perfectly healthy. He just played sports year-round.

Of course there are some days when I hate the way I look. Every now and then my face gets really puffy (allergies or lack of sleep maybe) and I think I look hideous. When I don't have time to exercise for a week or so I feel "soft" and it's all I can focus on until I start exercising again.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but I think as long as you focus on the things your BF says to you and focus on getting yourself to a healthy weight, you will be fine. It also never hurts to talk to someone. Do you feel comfortable talking to your mom or brother? Or maybe a friend?

Oh this is something I do - whenever I feel good in something, whether it's a type of shirt or a color, I make sure to wear it when I'm feeling bad. I remember thinking 'I looked nice in this' and it makes me feel better.

Ana_2985 · July 2010

Another simple, obvious thing, but stop using "ugly" sounding words like "fat" to describe yourself. You need to get yourself out of that mind-set.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I've definitely felt like that. I could stand to lose 10 pounds, but I just can't find the motivation. But right now I'm mostly happy with how I look. Everyone looks different and that is what great about the world - how boring would it be if everyone looked at the same?

As for the family comments, I would not listen to them because they are not being constructive. They are being intentionally negative, and that never helped anyone. I would also believe your BF when he tells you that you are beautiful. That's the great thing about BFs - they think we are beautiful no matter what we look like, what we're wearing, how our hair is.

But if you really want to drop the weight, I also think that Weight Watchers is one of the only "sane" ways to do it. You can still eat, and they have a booklet full of great recipes and exercise tips. The meetings can also help you in terms of a support group.

GL!

Narwhal · July 2010

I feel that way all the time. My license says I weigh 111. I went to the doctor and I was teetering on 150. I came home and I'm at 136. I've gained (at least) 25 pounds. I used to have a super tight stomach. You used to could see my hipbones. I was healthy, but I was young. I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't look like one.

My dad really has helped me deal with that. He tells me all the time that I'm not in the seventh grade and I would look sickly if I still weighed that.

I have a big butt. I have boobies now. I have hips. That's okay. BF prefers me the way I am now. You won't have the same body type forever. That's okay. You won't have the same hair length, the same facial structure. Your body changes all the time. The same applies to weight for most people.

Think about everything your body does for you. That's what got me through feeling bad about gaining weight. I have big legs. But those big legs got me to class straight up hill everyday. It isn't fair to hate them just because they changed in shape.

Your body does awesome things! Love it, friend! It will be the only thing that's always with you. How miserable of a life would it be if you hated the one thing that's constantly there?

PaigeMcC · July 2010

As a "fat kid" let me throw my two cents in here:

You will NEVER be comfortable in your own skin until you accept yourself the way you are. Almost everyone wants to lose some weight, most people "need" to, and a lot of women have body issues. However, this does not mean you are not a beautiful person inside and out.

I think the first thing you need to do is to tell your Mom and brother to STFU. There is NO reason why anyone in your family should EVER tell you that you're fat. It's rude, it's mean, it's un-supportive and really un-family-like behavior. They need to be supporting you - not putting you down.

If you are serious about losing weight then diet and exercise are the right ways to go. The Getting in Shape board here is AWESOME. Those girls know their stuff!! Also, Weight watchers is quite good, and very supportive. Curves is also an excellent women's only gym. Very perky, supportive, etc etc etc. I also would suggest the New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women (http://www.thenewrulesoflifting.com/) as a great read and great training guide.

With your body it's not how much you weigh - it's how you look and feel, how your clothes fit and how comfortable you are. Try not to focus on the weight...sometimes you can lose it sometimes you can't. I'd focus on inches coming off (measure yourself now and again in a month. Do hips,chest,waist, thighs, upper arms) and how your clothes fit. Sometimes the weight won't come off but just losing a few inches or seeing how much better your clothes fit will make you feel that much better.

Now, on to body image - get some clothes that you REALLY feel good in. Whenever I'm having one of my fat days (okay, this happens frequently as a plus-sized lady

) I grab one of my fav. articles, something that someone has commented on or something that makes me feel good, and throw it on. It really boosts your self esteem if you feel (and look) fab!

Okay so anyways, after that novel of a post....Everyone has something they don't like about themselves. I think with a lot of women it's their bodies. Whether you're skinny or fat or in between there is always going to be something about your body that you don't like. I've dealt with body image issues and weight issues my whole life...I still deal with it day to day but the main thing is to do something that is going to make YOU feel good about yourself.

GL

Narwhal · July 2010

Paige, I think you're hot.

Do you like me?

[ ] Yes [ ] No

PaigeMcC · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98ce9e0b-fab5-497a-ac02-74e9435dddecPost:dd8f6316-f2fc-4f16-8213-d644db6546c5">Re: Ugly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Paige, I think you're hot. Do you like me? [X ] Yes [ ] No
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

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oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98ce9e0b-fab5-497a-ac02-74e9435dddecPost:682c23ed-20de-45cf-9798-49c21ba2faa5">Re: Ugly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and sparkpeople.com is really helpful for keeping me on track with healthy eating and exercising. They have GREAT receipes and best of all, it's FREE.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Seconding SparkPeople. It's kinda amazing.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

And thanks, Narwhal;)

catemeg · July 2010

Speaking of bellies jiggling and not being firm and tight, BF always grabs my stomach. I told him it makes me feel weird, having him grab my belly fat, and he just looked shocked. He said that he supports me wanting to get in better shape, but only so that I will be healthy and around for a long life together. He says I'm beautiful the way I am, and he grabs my belly because he loves it. I've come to love when he touches my stomach, because I know he loves me just the way I am, not wishing I had some super-model flat stomach.

I'm sure your BF really, really means that he finds you sexy the way you are, and you should take comfort in that. You're dating, not married, so if he wasn't attracted to you, chances are you wouldn't be together.

For clothes that flatter, watch "What Not to Wear" - a lot of it is weird, but they've got great ideas of wearing things that flatter you, rather than trying to fit in something that doesn't.

Oh, and "gay skinny" is definitely unhealthy - there are people that are naturally tall and skinny, and I have several friends that way - they eat normally, exercise, and just can't seem to hold weight. But "gay skinny" usually implies unhealthy eating and fasting and exercising with an obsession to attain a 'perfect' body, which in the gay community means thin like a female model. After going to an undergraduate school with 30% of the male population being gay, I've seen my share of "gay skinny" to know very few of them are naturally that way.

oceana919 · July 2010

I'm sorry, but "gay skinny" is probably the most ignorant concept I've ever heard of.

Ana_2985 · July 2010

A) Her brother's weight is not unhealthy.

She did not specify how her brother reached said weight.

C) If I was a gay man, I'd be pissed that people assume that because I'm gay and skinny I must be unhealthy. (Just like I do when women do it to me)

D) I do, in fact, have gay, skinny, healthy, male friends.

E) I don't like generalizations.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

I have gay fat friends too. Does that make them "fat gay"? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he'd punch me if I called him that.

(I would never call him that!)

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. I agree with you that I'm pining after my teenage body when I'm no longer a teen. I guess I put on so much weight so quickly that I'm not entirely sure what my healthy adult body is. It's going to take some getting used to and I should try to just accept it.

I think I'm just going a little batty. I still have the same eyes, the same face, the same everything that I always had--some things just have new proportions. I need to get used to this and find the good. It's just difficult to do that when my family tells me how fat I am. Also, I feel like so many women my age are in phenomenal shape and it just makes me feel down on myself; they can wear things that I used to be able to wear but wouldn't dream of wearing now.

This summer, I have been following a Weight Watchers diet plan, which has definitely been one of the main reasons behind my 10 pound weight loss. I have also been taking a lot of CoreFusion and Yoga classes in addition to walking/running more. I will continue to stay on Weight Watchers and hope that it all continues to come off slowly and healthily.

Thanks for the SparkPeople suggestion. I'm going to go join...it looks awesome!

FWIW, I agree with the term "gay skinny" being ignorant. It's my brother's term, not mine. I look at him and want to feed him...he's too thin, like a railing.

sapphirebaby926 · July 2010

Body image is something that affects a lot of people and it can be hard to really see past your percieved problem areas and see the big picture. Your BF loves you and says that you are beautiful and sexy because he sees you that way - forget what your family says (who tells their daughter or sister that they're fat anyway?) and focus on being happy with who you are.

I've only heard good things about weight watchers - I had a friend that was using it and got down to her ideal weight over about a 6 month period. Good luck!

Narwhal · July 2010

Jenny Craig is really good too. My mom uses it and the food is delicious. It's a little pricey, but they keep you from hitting a plateau and it's easy.

PandaBurr · July 2010

Ugh, I totally understand. In the past 3 months I've gained 25 lbs. It's very alarming for me to not be able to fit into clothes I used to fit in. I'm incredibly self conscious about my appearance, and I know it's a self esteem issue. When I told my mom about my weight gain, she almost cried and told me that she'd kill me if i gained any more weight. She calls me constantly to ask if I've lost the weight yet. The worst part is, I'm actually in a healthy weight range. I'm just so used to being on the lower end of the healthy region, now that I'm on the upper end, I feel awful. Bleh. My boyfriend thinks I'm nuts, but it's definitely a mindset that's hard to get out of.

Hazel_B · July 2010

I agree with pps about listening to your BF and trying your best to ignore the negative comments from your family.

I've had weight issues my entire life and everyday I'm aware of what i eat and what my physical activity level is. It can certainly be challenging and frustrating sometimes, but I look at it in a positive light. I would much rather have a healthy lifestyle and have to work at maintaining my weight rather than be "skinny fat" and have a huge wake up call when I'm older and try to break 30+ year old habits. Also weight watchers is great...a friend of mine has lost 60 lbs thus far on it.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98ce9e0b-fab5-497a-ac02-74e9435dddecPost:28efdc0d-8de0-4fef-bb07-ad69fc92f507">Re: Ugly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, I totally understand. In the past 3 months I've gained 25 lbs. It's very alarming for me to not be able to fit into clothes I used to fit in. I'm incredibly self conscious about my appearance, and I know it's a self esteem issue. When I told my mom about my weight gain, she almost cried and told me that she'd kill me if i gained any more weight. She calls me constantly to ask if I've lost the weight yet. The worst part is, I'm actually in a healthy weight range. I'm just so used to being on the lower end of the healthy region, now that I'm on the upper end, I feel awful. Bleh. My boyfriend thinks I'm nuts, but it's definitely a mindset that's hard to get out of.
Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree about it being the mindset that's the hardest to get out of. For me, the first time I put on a size 10, I freaked out. Over time, I just threw out all of the gorgeous clothes I had in a size 6 because they were depressing me.</div><div>
</div><div>That sucks about your mom. If you're still in a healthy weight range, you shouldn't have to lose weight. And why is she CRYING about this? You didn't just tell her you need a quadruple bypass or something. Sounds like your mom and my mom would be good friends--the toxic mom duo.</div>

jgcohn · July 2010

I get that way too. My BF tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body and I wish that squashed my self-conscious thoughts when I get in those moods. I know he finds me attractive and in his eyes I look good. I just want to improve parts of me so I look good to me too.

I was feeling really good about myself b/c I set up a whole new exercise/healthy eating regime that I have been doing for two weeks now and I haven't been tempted to quit so I know it's finally a good regime to stick with. Yesterday, I went to ride my friend's horse and she took pictures. They got put onto Facebook and I thought I looked so wide in the hip/thigh region, I felt like all of my hard work isn't doing a thing. Then I stop to think logically and noticed that my face and arms looked better and I know my hard work is doing SOMETHING...my hip/thigh area is just the last one to show results usually. So I got my butt up this morning and went to the gym to keep up with my routine...eventually I'll notice some improvement in those areas!

I think I'll go check out sparkpeople also...I am intrigued!

catemeg · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98ce9e0b-fab5-497a-ac02-74e9435dddecPost:c5c20f4f-6f4d-41ef-b38c-5879f1dfd689">Re: Ugly?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that way too. My BF tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body and I wish that squashed my self-conscious thoughts when I get in those moods. I know he finds me attractive and in his eyes I look good. I just want to improve parts of me so I look good to me too. I was feeling really good about myself b/c I set up a whole new exercise/healthy eating regime that I have been doing for two weeks now and I haven't been tempted to quit so I know it's finally a good regime to stick with. Yesterday, I went to ride my friend's horse and she took pictures. They got put onto Facebook and I thought I looked so wide in the hip/thigh region, I felt like all of my hard work isn't doing a thing. Then I stop to think logically and noticed that my face and arms looked better and I know my hard work is doing SOMETHING...my hip/thigh area is just the last one to show results usually. So I got my butt up this morning and went to the gym to keep up with my routine...eventually I'll notice some improvement in those areas! I think I'll go check out sparkpeople also...I am intrigued!
Posted by jgcohn[/QUOTE]

Good job! Stick with it! And I've never seen a picture of anyone on a horse when their thighs didn't look big. I think it's the angle.

Acrosthec · July 2010

My hips/thighs are always the last thing to show results too. But I always dealt with it when I rode because I figured more weight in that region gave me greater stability. Not to mention all pictures of me on horses looked weird to me except for when I was either 12 and under or grossly underweight. I always told myself, and still fully believe, that the saddle flattens your legs and disperses any fat at all on your legs so they look larger. Also, people who ride generally have rather muscular thighs to begin with, so it's rarely all fat!

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I was going to suggest Weight Watchers, too, but seems that everyone else has beaten me to it. I've battled with my weight my whole life and until about 5-6 years ago, I had only ever known my mom as a size 22 (she's 5"9). My mom joined WW and lost 120 lbs! I didn't join but I did WW by osmosis (that's what she calls it, I basically followed everything she was doing) and I was able to lose 60 lbs - I've put some of it back on and battle the same 5-10 lbs, but I look and feel healthy now. Anytime I complain slightly about looking like I've gained weight (esp around my mid-section), BF just tells me I've got the perfect body and my hips were made for carrying babies, which just makes me smile.

I've never been good at exercise, but for the past 2 months, I've been able to stick with a very simple routine - I'm not losing a lot, but I am feeling good about myself after I'm done. Find something that works for you. I have a 2-story house and part of my routine is just going up and down the stairs 5 or 6 times in a row (you'll feel it in your upper thighs for sure). I've also used a "reward" system for myself: I basically made a chore chart once and had to be honest with myself - I would only give myself a checkmark/star/whatever if I'd done x amount of exercise each day. After I'd filled up my chore chart, I was allowed to get my prize (I'm a crafter and most of the time my pre-determined prize was getting to buy a new crafting toy).

I hope all the advice everyone has given you makes you feel better!

prasad007 · July 2010

Well, I've fluctuated between 130-150 for the last few years. I'm 5'2", so pretty short, and I don't think the gain is *that* noticeable. I have belly fat, and large hips. My thighs are pretty chunky. My butt still looks amazing, though, and is not too big.

Of course, I can say that I'm comfortable where I am but I'm not. I've dieted and exercised and it has worked for me in the past-- especially Weight Watchers. But in the end, I'm not motivated enough. I love how I feel when I am exercising a lot, but the first few sessions make me want to die (like the first two weeks of a new diet, where you are hungry all the time). Right now, I should be motivated. I mean, it's only 20 pounds and I want to look as hot as possible at my wedding. I also want to be as healthy as possible when we get pregnant. Right now I don't even have a healthy BMI!

I think part of me wants to exercise and focus on my portion sizes to be healthy, to look strong, and to feel beautiful. But there is another part of me that is scared I might take it too far (roughly 10 years ago I had severe body image issues and I did deprive my body of the food it needed). And I don't want that.

As far as parents/ siblings go... Last night my mom told me I look pregnant. I have one older sister who is working very hard to lost ~55 pounds to get to a healthy weight, and I have another sister who now, at 115 pounds weighs the most she has ever weighed in her life (except for during her pregnancy when she was 145)... She is so skinny and I have always been jealous of her body.

So no, you are not alone. I think it is very common for people to have body image issues. I think you should listen to your boyfriend, and I should listen to my fiance, when they say that we are beautiful and sexy just how we are.

jgcohn · July 2010

Acro & Cate...thanks!!! You guys made me feel better about those pictures

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Being overweight is not healthy. Getting older is not a valid reason to be overweight.

The OP lost 10 lbs and she should be congratulated and encouraged to stay with it.

Narwhal · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98ce9e0b-fab5-497a-ac02-74e9435dddecPost:f783804b-86e4-4dff-b442-9ee69a864367">Re: Ugly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Being overweight is not healthy. Getting older is not a valid reason to be overweight. The OP lost 10 lbs and she should be congratulated and encouraged to stay with it.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]

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Goldlie11 · July 2010

Ditto Narwhal

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