I don't want his family at my graduation

WoeIsMe · March 2012

I will be graduating college this May. The problem is that FI's mom keeps asking me when graduation is because they all want to come. I don't want them to come. We get 4 or 5 tickets to give to family (which are all taken by my family) and then anyone else that wants to go has to wait at the door until 10 minutes before the ceremony starts. I have never heard of anyone waiting and then not being able to attend.

I'm honestly sort of embarrased by his family. They are extremely redneck. They are loud and don't care what people think of them. I went to the store with his mom recently and she was looking at notebooks when she loudly declared "Geez these are so expensive!! Makes me miss being a janitor at the school so I could take all the school supplies out of the garbage when they cleaned out their lockers!". I was so embarrased. She has no shame. Her husband just comes off as a jerk. If they come, they will likely drag along FI's grandmother and aunt/uncle/cousin. When his ex-stripper aunt met me at Christmas, she took out her dentures and told me how having no teeth helps her out in the bedroom. Apparently this is a frequent habit of hers. His uncle gave me the creeps and I never want to see him again (FI feels the same).

Our families haven't met yet and I just don't think that graduation would be the right time. My brother is extremely judgemental and I don't want him to be there the first time my mom meets FI's family. I'm ashamed to say that I would be perfectly fine if our families never met (we are eloping so it could actually happen). Neither of our families have even said anything about wanting to meet each other.

What should I do? Should I make FI say that we don't want them to drive this far with no guarantee that they will even get a seat (even though that's a lie)? Should I just suck it up and hope they don't embarrass me?

calliopeia2013 · March 2012

Oof, this is a tough one. When I had family I didn't want at graduation (my own family in this case, but it should apply) I just sort of white-lied and said we only had x number of tickets and so there wouldn't be enough seats (and failed to mention that there was overflow seating). Is that an option?

Bay21 · March 2012

Well, as "red-neck" as his family may be you are going to be stuck with them once you are married and it is really nice of them (particularly his mother) to be inquiring about your graduation so it is a little harsh of you to be thinking about not letting them just sit in the overflow section.

While I understand your concerns with your brother judging them (even though, you do to a little bit...), do you really think he would make any kind of comment to their faces and start trouble on your graduation? Personally, I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't start a scene. If you really think that your brother would start a fight with your future ILs then maybe doing what Calliopeia said would be best.

If, however, you don't think any trouble would arise why not let them come? Okay so they are 'loud' and can come off as jerks or creeps, I'm sure you have relatives that aren't perfect. Why not let your families meet, I think it would be a nice gesture on your and your fiance's part. Plus, you don't have to let them spend that much time together ya know? Maybe stand around a bit after the ceremony and then if you and your family have plans go do that?

Also, what about your fiance? Is he okay with the idea that you wouldn't want them there even though his mother is asking after the date?

I guess my point is that I highly doubt it is as big a deal as you think. So they might 'embaress' you a little and there might a be few awkward moments between his family and yours: so what? They are making an effort to be a part of your life, the woman who is marrying their son: it is an extremely kind thing to want to go to your graduation which is a long ass ceremony and could be so boring for anybody (I've been a college and law school graduation so I know) but they are making an effort. To me it seems you have been a tad harsh on them (though, I'll admit the whole no teeth/bedroom comment was creepy) but I think you should just let them come to this one thing especially if are eloping and they are not going to get the wedding they might expecting. Honestly, I think you'll be so excited over graduating that his "loud" family won't bother so much.

indigopsyche · March 2012

I vote for letting them come to graduation. They're asking about it which means that 1) They obviously like you; 2) They want to be a part of your family and want you to feel like a part of theirs. Yes, they may be redneckish - but that's who they are. That is the family you're marrying into. - you need to accept that.

As for their behavior - you may be surprised. Family gatherings and grocery shopping are one thing. Graduation is another. I'm willing to bet they realize that. I was concerned about my FI's family attending my graduation (they're rednecks with a love of air horns and flourescent orange) - and it turned out my worries were wrong. They knew how important my graduation was to both my FI and I and they dressed and behaved accordingly.

Now I'm not in your situation, but your post sounds rather judgemental so I'm not sure why you're worried about your brother being the same way. Rednecks may not be polished and graceful, but if they're accepting you into their family you'll never have a more loyal set of in-laws.

Oh and this is coming from someone who considers herself to be a redneck.

egeurts · March 2012

I'd be less worried about them embarrassing you, and more worried about how they're going to feel. They might be "redneck" "loud" "embarrassing"... but they are letting you into their family, they like you, and they want to be part of your special day. How are they going to feel when they travel out of their way to support you only to be looked down upon and snubbed? I would let them come, but give them fair warning about the seating arrangement, and in the meantime, change your own attitude about the family that you're going to be a part of for a good many years or decades to come.

Bay21 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_i-dont-want-his-family-at-my-graduation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:5c33815a-5b47-432b-85d9-8d658008da2fPost:79e89b08-a3a6-471e-a285-eb35f72939cb">Re: I don't want his family at my graduation</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be less worried about them embarrassing you, and more worried about how they're going to feel. They might be "redneck" "loud" "embarrassing"... but they are letting you into their family, they like you, and they want to be part of your special day. <strong>How are they going to feel when they travel out of their way to support you only to be looked down upon and snubbed? </strong>I would let them come, but give them fair warning about the seating arrangement, <strong>and in the meantime, change your own attitude about the family that you're going to be a part of for a good many years or decades to come. </strong>
Posted by egeurts[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I was trying to be delicate but this is pretty much how I feel. These people are trying to support you as a new member of your family. Stop judging them, and accept them for who they are as they have clearly already done with you, and let them come to your graduation. </div>

BunnyChii · March 2012

I'm going to be blunt.

These people care about you enough that they actually want to be at your graduation. Believe me, not all in-laws care enough to actually want to participate in such things. Be grateful that your future in-laws care about you enough that they want to be there to support you.

Get over your extremely judgmental view of them (you're worried about your brother being judgmental? Yeah, right.) By the way, everyone's families embarrass them sometimes. That's just what families do. But you laugh, you get over it, and you love them anyway.

You sound so stuck up in this post it's ridiculous. Does your FI know you think so little of his family?

Beads921 · March 2012

You're going to be marrying your FIL's son. They are going to be your family and they obviously care a lot for you.

I'd be less concerned about them embarrassing you and more concerned that they might not get in if there are no guaranteed tickets. To be fair, you need to make that clear to them, but otherwise, let them come and then treat them with the respect that everyone deserves.

WoeIsMe · March 2012

I know I sound really judgmental, but I'm just trying to get all the facts out there..... My brother is extremely judgmental. After meeting some ex's or their family, he has pretty much given me non-stop sh*t about them until I finally break up with them.

His family is great in private, but when you get out in public, they get louder and just act weird (it's like when someone says that somebody acts like they've never been out in public before). I know that his mom is a great woman and I really respect and like her. It's just that his stepdad is rude and creeps me out. FI has harsher views of his aunt/uncle/cousin than I do, so there's no problem there (unless they invite themselves like they always do to everything else).

I guess I'm just sort of upset about how his stepdad acted about my graduation. When his mom asked me when it is, his stepdad said something along the lines of "Oh look at you Miss Fancypants with your fancy degree that makes you better than all of us" in a really rude tone. I was really upset about it, but I just laughed to keep peace. This was also right after we loaned them $2,000 and FI's mom said thanks, and then FI's stepdad rolled his eyes and laughed as he said "yeah thanks" in a REALLY sarcastic tone. I haven't told FI about either of these incidents because I know he would be really upset over it.

I also don't want to have to deal with the awkwardness of having to find 2 different groups after the ceremony is over and the whole who sits where with who situation.

Bay21 · March 2012

about your brother-- if your brother pesters you about them, stand up for them (if you do actually respect and like them...) and yourself in that you are marrying into that family and he shouldn't be so negative about them to you. he doesn't have to like them per se, but he does have to respect that you are going to marry into that family. Tell him to stuff it. Plus, as I said in my first post, I really seriously doubt that he would say or do anything to cause problems.

about the graduation-- what if you just told his mom and dad there would only be room for them based on overflow seating? that way the others won't be brought along, and your FI can back you up on it if they ask just him. As far as "finding them afterward"...pick a spot to meet around campus after the ceremony is over. That's the easiest thing to do, plus I'm sure everybody has cell phones. And if there is a little awkwardness about seating so what? It should matter more that your future ILs want to even go to the damn thing because trust me, if my FI and I didn't got to the same school his ILs would not be stepping up to come to my graduation.

about how the stepdad is acting-- if you honestly dont feel comfortable saying to the stepdad that his comments make you uncomfortable and feel unwelcomed (even though, you are not being the most welcoming of future daughter in laws) then you should say something to your fiance. If he knows that it bothers he can say something about to his stepdad and help mediate the situation.

BunnyChii · March 2012

As far as his stepdad's comments go, it sounds like it might be hard for him to swallow his pride. Think about it: his child had to loan him 2 grand - parents usually aren't used to their kids having to bail them out. Parents usually take care of their kids, not the other way around - you know?

I see it a lot with social work and the work I do...Very rarely are people genuinely happy or thankful for what I do, even when I bend over backwards for them. Sometimes people act very standoffish like your FI's stepdad. Honestly, I don't really blame them. It's hard to accept help, especially from a stranger or a child.

Am I saying it's right for him to blow you off? Not really. But try to see it from his perspective as well.

FaithCaitlin · March 2012

Invite them if you have extra tickets. Don't invite them if you don't have extra tickets.

halfbreedfox · March 2012

Here's some real advise you can use for your situation, not based on any cold facts about what is to come but on personal feelings. I have a similiar problem with not liking relatives of my own.

If your fiance is coming to your graduation and would like his family to join (or just parts of his family) then I suggest (magic word that not many people know how to use here) that you invite those most important, such as just the mother and father to lessen the crazy coming. But if your fiance is really understanding and will be okay with you not invitiing his family, then don't invite them. It will cause you less stress.

But to a deeper matter, you might want to seriously consider where your life is going if you honestly can't stand your future-in-laws. If your fiance's family is so red-neck, how did you end up loving their son? And if your fiance is really strong on family bonds and wants you to become a bigger part of his family, then you have to make a choice if you are willing to deal with them and try to become a part of them, or if this family will be a deal breaker for you.

But this is just my opinion on the matter and what I suggest you should look into. I personally had to get over my fear of my fiance's family too, and I am now accepting them as my own family. My relationship would not have worked out with my fiance any other way.

ShellLillian · March 2012

I completely see your points - you want to celebrate your graduation and not have to worry about the big deal of two very different families coming together (and potentially embarassing you) on a very important day for YOU.

However, you are lucky to have future in-laws that care that much. It seems like your fiance's immediate family really isn't that bad, just a little awkward. Maybe try to word how you invite them in a way that suggests that only the parents come?

My future in-laws hate me very deeply, and have all but disowned their son since we got together.They try fairly frequently to ruin our relationship (and sadly, have gotten close), and won't even say my name (I am reffered to as his "companion" if I have to be brought up in conversation).

So coming from that background, I wish the only thing I had to worry about was the future inlaws being awkward and loud.

Basically, you are in no way OBLIGATED to invite them to your graduation, but you really should reconsider being so harsh, and if they really want to go, maybe it's best to let them.

I don't want his family at my graduation

Re: I don't want his family at my graduation

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