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Moms and Maids
Am I wrong?
My first baby is getting married. I requested some time alone with her to bond and share a special mother-daughter time picking out her dress. Otherwise I do what she tells me to do, I offer ideas, offer to pay, offer to help. I raised her alone. I was mom and dad to her.
I didn't make much money and I didn't get child support after her father abandoned us. But I sacrificed and made sure she had everything she needed and some of what she wanted. All I wanted was to have some time to celebrate, just mother and daughter.
I provided everything for her, I taught her, I helped her, I bailed her out and supported her even when she was, even by her own admission, in the wrong.
The groom didn't ask for my blessing and I feel has no respect for me either. He tells his own mother to "f off" and "shut up."
Now, she is totally disregarding me and telling me that I'm unreasonable and that I need to just deal with it, while she takes her soon to be MIL. I'm very hurt and think I should just back off altogether. She has complained about this MIL many, many times, but if I even respond to what she has said, I'm the one being rude and "not getting along."
When I tell her I'm hurt, she tells me to stop making it about me, that it's really all about her and her fiance.
What do I do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I wrong?
Perhaps your daughter will realize you haven't been asking about the wedding at some point. It is then that you point out to her, as nicely as you can, that you felt your opinions were not being taken seriously, you were hurt by the dress shopping with MIL, and you are feeling that your input wasn't needed, so you stopped giving it.
As for the groom not asking for a blessing. I think, in general, this is becoming more and more common. Prior generations married directly out of their parents homes into their new life with their spouses. So it made sense to ask permission to be allowed to "remove" the daughter from the home. But today, many women are living alone first or living with their bf/FI prior to marriage and the custom of asking permission is falling by the wayside.
I agree with the other ladies. Stop offering to pay for things and stop bringing up the wedding. That might get your daughter's attention. Then you will be able to have a heart to heart talk with her. You've done so much for her, already, and she doesn't appreciate it. You know that old saying, 'you don't know what you got, till it's gone.'
If your daughter complains to you about her FMIL, try to remain neutral. Rather than express an opinion, express sympathy. As a mom, I'd be concerned that the fi might treat my daughter the same way he treats his mother. How do you feel about that?
ETA - reading fail, on my part. I thought your daughter excluded you from shopping. I see nothing wrong with her wanting in invite her FMIL or a friend in the shopping. I'm glad you were included.
[QUOTE]Olive, thank you. I agree with you. I'm just going to back off. <strong>The thing is, whenever anything happens to not go her way or she has a problem, she calls me to clean it up for her.</strong> I'm the one that has to calm her down after listening to the hysterics and shouting. I talk calmly to her and she accuses me of yelling at her. I'm done. I didn't make a fuss at all about the blessing thing. In fact, I didn't speak about it to anyone but my sister. However, my brother, who is in his thirties and has lived with his girlfriend for years, travelled 500 miles and asked her father, simply out of respect. I wouldn't even begin to think that I had a say in it. I know I don't. It would simply have been a nice gesture, especially given that my daughter was 20 at the time and knew him for all of one year. Maire, I agree, she only notices what I do when I don't do it. So, I won't. <strong>And I am very concerned, as is my sister, that he'll treat my daughter the way he treats his mother and I'll have to step in and clean that up too. She rarely goes anywhere except for work without him</strong>, which worries all of her family. He's quite controlling and volatile and now his family is being controlling. He blew up at my brother and clenched his fists in a rage, on Christmas, just because my brother (her uncle) didn't like, and made a comment about, the mixed martial arts that he loves. So she stood up for her fiance and told her uncle that he was fing rude. Girl4182, I was happy for her and excited. It took me some time to get used to the idea because I think the wedding came up too soon. However, I've been put in my place. So, I really don't feel excited or happy anymore. In fact, I feel so much the opposite, that I don't think I can even put on a fake face. <strong>So it's better that I don't go and don't make her unhappy.</strong> Honestly, I'm so hurt and upset that I don't even want to go to anything. She has shown me how little I mean. I'm on the same terms as a woman she complains about and has known for a little over a year. In the same way, she treats his sisters better than her own little sister. And that hurts me just as much as the way she treats me. If it was just me who felt this way, then it would be pretty clear that it's MY problem. However, my siblings - her aunt and uncle, and her sister and even my mom to a degree are all pretty upset and backing off too.<strong> My sister was furious that she didn't have me walk her down the aisle. She's asking my step-dad this weekend</strong> when she goes out to dinner with him. She said I could come if I wanted to. Not that I was actually invited. It was just an afterthought. Thanks for letting me express myself here. It helps to have people who are removed from the situation. I can only cry on the phone for so long. My sister is so mad that she was going to yell at her, but I told her to leave her alone and let her do what she wants. Someday, she'll have a child and she'll understand.
Posted by nadia223[/QUOTE]
I'm going to address the bolded areas one at a time:
1. If she keeps coming to you to fix her problems. You need to stop enabling her. Let her stand on her own two feet and fix her own problems. Remember, she is an adult and getting married. So now it's her turn to be the adult. Stop saving her. It will be difficult for you, but stand strong. Your daughter will become more independant because of this and will be better off in the long run.
2. You are concerned with how FSIL is treating your daughter. Keep an open line of communication with her. She is an adult and has chosen the person she wants to spend her life with. If there ever comes a time where she says she wants/needs out, then you step in to help her. Do not let your FSIL alienate your daughter from your life. You could be a life line for her later.
3. If you do not attend your daughter's wedding, you will regret it. Your daugther will become very angry with you and this could seriously alter your relationship permanently, causing her to forever side with her new H over you. My advice is to stay out of all planning, attend the wedding.
4. This is also not your decision. While it does probably hurt you, we always tell brides on this site to choose the person they want to have them walk down the aisle.
Lastly, in general, you may want to stop complaining to your family about your daughter's action. They may come to regret her for these choices when they hear how much they hurt you. Come here to vent if you need. If your daughter ever decides to leave FI, then you don't want her family to be mad at her for her actions towards you.
By the way, when your daughter says you can come if you want, that is an invitation, albeit not a very gracious one. Unless she is especially cruel, if she didn't want you there, she wouldn't tell you about the dinner or the wedding planning dates.
[QUOTE]I want to have some special mother-daughter bonding time. How dare I? To dare love my daughter and want to be alone with her and be just a teeny bit selfish about a special mother-daughter relationship. Where do I get off?
Posted by nadia223[/QUOTE]
Nadia, you are certainly allowed to ask, but unfortunetly, it seems your daughter does not want the alone time with you. Perhaps she has seen too many wedding shows where brides bring giant entourages to go dress shopping and decided thats what she wanted.
I'm going to make another suggestion- stop comparing the way she treats her FMIL with the way she treats you. She may be trying to appease a difficult FMIL or she may have found a way to like her. It doesn't really have anything to do with your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter is probably doing just that, trying to build a relationship with her FMIL. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
As far as the "bailing her out"; stop. It kinda sounds like she might be a little immature so she won't learn until you cut her off. If you're truely concerned about her FI being violent; then it deserves a sit down conversation regardless of whether or not your daughter will scream at you and be angry. You're her mom not her friend.
[QUOTE]I want to have some special mother-daughter bonding time. How dare I? To dare love my daughter and want to be alone with her and be just a teeny bit selfish about a special mother-daughter relationship. Where do I get off?
Posted by nadia223[/QUOTE]
Just because you want it that doesn't mean that you're owed it or guaranteed to get it. You're acting very martyrish.
[QUOTE]Perhaps if you find some DIFFERENT special mommy-daughter time that isn't a once-in-a-lifetime experience for your daughter? No one is saying you shouldn't love your daughter, so please back off the drama train a bit. We're just saying that it's not entirely fair to expect your daughter to exclude other people that she wants there from dress shopping just because you have decided that it would be great bonding time for the two of you.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Cosigned by me
My mother couldn't make my dress shopping trip due to distance, and I ended up taking my FMIL in order to help build the bond between us. As someone stated earlier, she had no obligation to like me, and it was up to me to try to build a relationship with her.
I could tell my mother was sad and a bit jealous that she couldn't go to the dress appt and my FMIL could, but she NEVER EVER lashed out at me, pouted, or otherwise punished me for it. Because she loves me, and understand that life doesn't always give people exactly what they want all the time. And that isn't necessarily anyones fault with punishments and consequences to be doled out because the ideal wasn't acheived.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I wrong? : You're acting very martyrish.
<p>Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]</p><p>This is putting it mildly.</p>
My mother would 100% say she did everything for me in my life, she takes credit for where I am in life, etc. but I was the one who did that. I paid for school. I chose my career. She had nothing to do with it, and actually was quite mentally, emotionally and financially abusive when I was growing up.
There is always 2 sides to every story.
You are absolutely correct to be concerned about all of this. These are classic signs of disfunction in a relationship.
HOWEVER....
There is also not really anything you can do to change the situation, if your daughter has made up her mind. I know this, because I was your daughter, and my mom was you. My mom saw all the signs, and she tried very hard to stop me from marrying my ex. The problem was I was young, immature, and very sure that I was right and she was wrong. When she voiced her concerns, I took it as jealous criticism. When she pointed out little things that were precursors to big problems, I blew them off because I knew best. I wrote off all of her warnings because she had made it very clear she didn't like my ex, and I felt like she was just being unfair to him because of that. All of her pushing, done with the best of intentions to try to make me see that I was marrying in to a bad situation, only pushed me in to it that much faster. It also made it nearly impossible for me to swallow my pride and go to her for help when, not too long after the wedding, I was able to look at the situation with some clarity and realize how bad it really was. Because I felt like I couldn't go to her (or anyone else in the family), I felt trapped and spent 14 years in an abusive marriage.
Please try not to be confrontational with your daughter about her fiance, and don't let your family be confrontational either. Be supportive, listen, offer advice if you are asked - but being confrontational and aggressive will drive a wedge between you and she WILL take his side, because he has most likely already laid a lot of groundwork to convince her of how much you all hate him and how awful you all are. If you act confrontational towards him, you are going to reinforce this.
I agree that pre-marital counseling should happen, but you can't force it to happen. Recommend it. Don't speak ill of her fiance or his family. No more "interventions". Just be supportive. If she voices concerns to you, don't take that as an opportunity to air your grievances about her fiance. Listen, digest it, offer help in a non-judgemental way. It's possible and even likely your daughter recognizes at some level that this is not a good situation, but she doesn't know how to get out of it.
Even if I am wrong and her fiance is great and their relationship is functional, being confrontational with her and her fiance, and making it so clear that you don't like him, will only serve to drive a HUGE wedge between you two. After being extremely close to my mom for all of my life, I eventually stopped speaking to her because I felt she treated my ex (then fiance) badly. We didn't speak for several years. It was horribly painful for both of us. I don't want you or your daughter to have to go through that.
Nadia, it shouldn't be you that goes to the police, unless FSIL has threatened you as well. It should be your brother that calls, since he is the once being threatened.
I hope you are able to get in to speak with the psychologist soon.