Etiquette rules

Nebb · May 2010

What are some rules of etiquette you just dont agree with or think are outdated?

JessAndTrav · May 2010

I think that the "OMG NO LABELS ON THE INVITES OMG OMG OMG!!!" is stupid.

It's an envelope. It goes directly into the garbage. IMO, who cares?

ETA: I also think it's stupid because the envelope looks like shiit by the time it arrives anyway. It's dirty and all beat up from the transit from your house to the recepient's house.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

Ditto the no "and family" rule on the envelope. I guess if you get mad because someone brings their spouse, kids and brother-in-law to your wedding, you're in the wrong. But I honestly wouldn't care if someone did that.

MeaghanandMichael · May 2010

I think the "rules" of who pays for what are long outdated. When people come on here saying things like, "well my future inlaws is obviously offering to pay for the rehearsal dinner but... blahblah." I can understand how these rules can be guidelines, but I wouldn't think people automatically assume that stuff anymore.

JessAndTrav · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:4db5e77a-8d13-4c27-ae7b-e7e113221cc2">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto the no "and family" rule on the envelope. I guess if you get mad because someone brings their spouse, kids and brother-in-law to your wedding, you're in the wrong. But I honestly wouldn't care if someone did that.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I didn't even know that this was a "no no" until after I had sent out the invitations. I can't begin to tell you how may "and family" invites we have received, and I never felt the need to call 911 in a panic.

AlexiaANDRobert · May 2010

Ditto the labels. There is no way in hell I'm hiring someone to do some fancy writing on something that's going in the garbage.

btrflykate1230 · May 2010

Who pays for the wedding goes on the invitation, and trying to honor everyone.

If you have step parents on both sides, that's 4 sets of parents. "Together with their families" works just fine, for most cases.

andyandhillary · May 2010

I know a lot of people will disagree but I think etiquette truly needs to be based on more regional/cultural standards. If a bride wants to do a dollar dance at her wedding and every wedding she has ever been to has one and people like it, why is it wrong? She's not doing it to be greedy, it's more out of tradition. Before I came here I went to a wedding that had a dollar dance and I thought it was fine, cute even. It definitely didn't bother me. Of course some people do things to be greedy but I'd like to think that more often than not people are trying to be gracious hosts.

Nebb · May 2010

I know this isnt really a rule but I dont agree that the reception is a party to thank your guests. I still think its a party to celebrate your wedding, and while you should treat your guests well while there, the party isnt "for" them.

eastunder1 · May 2010

I think that not being allowed to put "Black tie" on the invitation is outdated. With the exception of certain well-to-do circles, there arent THAT MANY black tie events anymore. A lot of people don't know how to differenciate between semi-formal and black tie, espeically if your crowd isn't one that frequents them. I think spelling it out is helpful and considerate.

edit: Although I also think that if your circle isn't used to having black tie events, why the hell are you having one to begin with?

JessAndTrav · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:7e4580b7-df9f-47da-83d7-6320e7551b14">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this isnt really a rule but I dont agree that the reception is a party to thank your guests. I still think its a party to celebrate your wedding, and while you should treat your guests well while there, the party isnt "for" them.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

This.

If you throw a birthday party for someone, you're there to celebrate their birthday. Of course you're nice to the guests and show them a good time, but who is it for? The one with the birthday. The same logic applies to the reception.

eastunder1 · May 2010

I also HATE matching bridemaid dresses and I think its terribly outdated. I don't think thats so much "etiquette" as just "stupid things people do because the wedding industy tells them they should."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:6489ce17-d1a7-41d3-bd32-7962afc5b217">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I know a lot of people will disagree but I think etiquette truly needs to be based on more regional/cultural standards. If a bride wants to do a dollar dance at her wedding and every wedding she has ever been to has one and people like it, why is it wrong? She's not doing it to be greedy, it's more out of tradition. Before I came here I went to a wedding that had a dollar dance and I thought it was fine, cute even. It definitely didn't bother me. Of course some people do things to be greedy but I'd like to think that more often than not people are trying to be gracious hosts.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

I think this is the case if you are marrying someone who grew up in the same area/culture. But, in my case, I am from upstate NY, Fi is from Massachusetts, his parents grew up in Iowa, and we're getting married in California. So the "proper" rules of etiquette work really well for us, because we'll be able to appease all of our friends and relatives, who are traveling from all over. Some people in FI's family have had a dollar dance, I never heard of it before coming to TK. My family tends to give money, FI's family tends to give boxed gifts. Fi's family wouldn't be put off by a partial cash bar, mine would be horrified.

But I think in this day and age, especially, most people tend to have a few guests coming from out of town and you can't really know what THEIR customs are.

kate51485 · May 2010

I guess as far as showers and bachelorette parties go, it doesn't bother me too much if you help plan the event in part. I mean, it's for you, so I'd hope that people would want you to enjoy it and therefore ask your input on the details.

melissamc2 · May 2010

I honestly think most 'rules' are ridiculous. Few things in life are black and white and across the board. The couple getting married know their friends and family far better than any etiquette book (or board, or stranger) is ever going to. I give people enough credit to determine what is best for their own wedding and to live with the consequences of those decisions - good or bad.

andy71781 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:a9d59743-f4c3-444c-8ab2-d9225f466c18">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the "OMG NO LABELS ON THE INVITES OMG OMG OMG!!!" is stupid. It's an envelope. It goes directly into the garbage. IMO, who cares? ETA: I also think it's stupid because the envelope looks like shiit by the time it arrives anyway. It's dirty and all beat up from the transit from your house to the recepient's house.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

I just printed out my labels for my RSVP envelopes and saw this - it made me smile!

GeeGirl619 · May 2010

I don't like the using formal titles or just the husband's name when you invite couples. Why do you have to put Mr & Mrs Hisname? Why not just John & Jane Doe?

I kind of rankle at the sexism of Mrs, Ms & Miss anyways. It's like announcing your marital status to everyone.

andyandhillary · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:b5bd1f4c-9963-46e1-acee-b065f45614e9">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette rules : I think this is the case if you are marrying someone who grew up in the same area/culture. But, in my case, I am from upstate NY, Fi is from Massachusetts, his parents grew up in Iowa, and we're getting married in California. So the "proper" rules of etiquette work really well for us, because we'll be able to appease all of our friends and relatives, who are traveling from all over. Some people in FI's family have had a dollar dance, I never heard of it before coming to TK. My family tends to give money, FI's family tends to give boxed gifts. Fi's family wouldn't be put off by a partial cash bar, mine would be horrified. But I think in this day and age, especially, most people tend to have a few guests coming from out of town and you can't really know what THEIR customs are.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I see what you are saying. I think it's important to keep in mind, though, that no matter what you do, even if you follow Emily Post to perfection, you will offend someone. I think you should definitely try though! My point is just that a lot of people don't even know or care what proper etiquette is, they just want their "traditions" followed.

tenofcups4me · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:90f52503-0869-42a3-bbad-9a0d1e31884f">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the "rules" of who pays for what are long outdated. When people come on here saying things like, "well my future inlaws is obviously offering to pay for the rehearsal dinner but... blahblah." I can understand how these rules can be guidelines, but I wouldn't think people automatically assume that stuff anymore.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

Agree.

Other things I think are outdated:
- The rules for naming people. It's absolutely absurd to me that women can't use their first names AND their titles according to traditional etiquette. So that's a rule I happily break.

- The idea that envelopes have to be handwritten. Personally, I think the rule is completely misunderstood. The point was to differentiate "personal" mail from "business" mail once typewriters became common. It has nothing to do with how much time it takes to write out envelopes or handwriting being more "personal" than printnig. With such pretty fonts available on computers now, I see no reason not to use them. I DO think standard labels don't belong on envelopes because that does look like junk mail -- but I have no objection to labels that are designed as part of the overall look.

andy71781 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:8d85e54b-4b3a-4181-b1af-7f974e35affa">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like the using formal titles or just the husband's name when you invite couples. Why do you have to put Mr & Mrs Hisname? Why not just John & Jane Doe? I kind of rankle at the sexism of Mrs, Ms & Miss anyways. It's like announcing your marital status to everyone.
Posted by GeeGirl619[/QUOTE]

I really struggled with this on my invites. I ended up doing the Mr. & Mrs. only if the wife had taken his last name.

Re: Ms. I'm not sure why you think this is sexist. I use it for every woman who isn't married if I'm inviting SOs and for every woman who is married and didn't change her name.

GeeGirl619 · May 2010

Hey Andy!
I honestly thought Ms was for divorced or widowed women!
After your post, I looked it up and was happy to discover it's the female equivalent to "Mr"!

You learn something new every day!

Here's the info:

Usage Note: Many of us think of Ms. or Ms as a fairly recent invention of the women's movement, but in fact the term was first suggested as a convenience to writers of business letters by such publications as the Bulletin of the American Business Writing Association (1951) and The Simplified Letter, issued by the National Office Management Association (1952). Ms. is now widely used in both professional and social contexts. As a courtesy title Ms. serves exactly the same function that Mr. does for men, and like Mr. it may be used with a last name alone or with a full name. Furthermore, Ms. is correct regardless of a woman's marital status, thus relegating that information to the realm of private life, where many feel it belongs anyway. Some women prefer Miss or Mrs., however, and courtesy requires that their wishes be respected.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:8d85e54b-4b3a-4181-b1af-7f974e35affa">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like the using formal titles or just the husband's name when you invite couples. Why do you have to put Mr & Mrs Hisname? Why not just John & Jane Doe? <strong>I kind of rankle at the sexism of Mrs, Ms & Miss anyways.</strong> It's like announcing your marital status to everyone.
Posted by GeeGirl619[/QUOTE]

The point of the "Ms" title is that is DOESN'T announce your marital status. It can be used by single, married, divorced or widowed women.

andyandhillary · May 2010

Side note: I loathe being referred to professionally as either Miss or Mrs. Mostly it's when the other person wouldn't know if I am married or not so I don't appreciate them assuming one way or the other.

quotequeen · May 2010

I am planning to address my invitations to "Jane and John Doe," no titles.

andy71781 · May 2010

Agree - use Ms. if you are addressing a woman who didn't take her hubby's name or if you are addressing a woman professionally (in my opinion) Side note - Ms. magazine is a great read for anybody wanting to learn more about feminism.

KatyRoseM · May 2010

I think its odd that you are not supposed to include response cards, I'm not sure if I will have them or not, I don't want to be wrong, but people often think its rude and weird not to.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Definitely the address labels - we did them. And yes, the invites get so beat up and dirty looking anyway by the time they reach their destination .

Who pays for what, that is all out the window.

sarabear23 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:7e4580b7-df9f-47da-83d7-6320e7551b14">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this isnt really a rule but I dont agree that the reception is a party to thank your guests. I still think its a party to celebrate your wedding, and while you should treat your guests well while there, the party isnt "for" them.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way.

LeighPA · May 2010

Is it still considered a no-no to wear black to a wedding? Because if it is, I say screw that one.

Gretta19 · May 2010

So, this is kind of NWR, but I HATE the fact that you are not supposed to butter your entire dinner roll at a formal dinner unless it is warm; you are instead supposed to tear off one chunk of the roll at a time, butter it, eat and repeat...NOT EFFICIENT AT ALL!!!

Although since I have seriously cut down on carbs, and am mourning the loss of butter I suppose this doesn't effect me anymore...

jesibel14 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cf93eec-8395-4c6b-96a1-0a63c5dac666Post:f6cdad9a-c66a-419c-bbd6-61eba2e4a9a1">Re: Etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]I honestly think most 'rules' are ridiculous. Few things in life are black and white and across the board. The couple getting married know their friends and family far better than any etiquette book (or board, or stranger) is ever going to. I give people enough credit to determine what is best for their own wedding and to live with the consequences of those decisions - good or bad.
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

110% Agree.

Etiquette rules

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