Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...

2011Bubbly · November 2010

It is becoming apparent that it would benefit my fiance and I more if we had a court marriage six months prior to our wedding date. Although the situation isn't ideal, the pros for an earlier legal marriage outweigh the cons & pros for waiting until the wedding date. Having the legal things taken care of prior would mean that my husband and I would be able to live together before or immediately after the wedding. We have been living in different states for getting close to 3 years. It is important to us that we be able to live together after our wedding. Having a legal marriage earlier would also allow us to have the honeymoon that we desire.

I have read other posts on these boards where women in situations where a legal marriage prior to a wedding is necessary are told that their wedding is the court marriage and that their wedding ceremony is nothing more than a vow renewal. Other posts have told brides to only have a reception and not a wedding ceremony. Please understand that we wish to have a wedding ceremony to share the experience with our friends and family. Some posts have said that this is "having your cake and eating it too." I feel, "What's the point of having cake, if you can't eat it?" and I'd rather have my husband and live with him too. For this post, I request that you please consider the marriage to be the legal contract and the wedding to be the celebratory ceremony and recognized wedding date, as that is what my fiance and I will be considering it.

For those who have had (or are having) similar situations, I ask that you share your experience.

Was there anything that you thought was different about your wedding ceremony?

Did you feel anything was different about your ceremony / the experience of being a bride?

Did you have an officiant?

Did you exchange rings at the time of the marriage or wait until the wedding date?

Did you change your name at the time of the marriage?

Did you tell anyone of your marriage? If so, who and how?

These are just some questions that I have... feel free to share your entire experience.

At the moment, I am considering leaving pretty much all the important details - ring exchange, name change, etc. until the wedding. The marriage will simply be a filing of forms that will allow my fiance and I to continue planning our life together.

2011Bubbly · November 2010

To aerinpegadrak and those whose situations made it possible and benefical for them to have both their marriage and their wedding ceremonies on the same day, I congratulate you.

To respond to your post: The court marriage is not about "feeling better" about living with my fiance. It is to make it possible for us to live together prior to the wedding. As I mentioned above, we have been living apart for the past almost 3 years.

And thanks for explaining that expression to me, I think then that I'd rather HAVE the cake IN MY BELLY.

trix1223 · November 2010

I'm with aerin. You can play with the words all you want, but the legal court marriage IS your wedding. And it's terribly presumptuous of you to insult all those who have chosen a courthouse wedding to imply that their marriage was NOT a wedding.

You get a wedding. So decide what kind of wedding you want. Here's what grown-ups do: they make decisions. And then they live with the consequences of their decisions. They don't whine like children who choose a Snickers bar at Halloween and then cry because they wanted m&ms instead.

You choose your courthouse wedding. Fine: the consequences are, IMO, that you then forgo the PPD wedding with the big white dress, the flowers, the WP, and the rest that goes with it.

Or you wait and have the PPD wedding.

And I don't really understand at all how having a "legal courthouse marriage" will somehow magically allow you to live together before or after your wedding. You can live together without either wedding. I'm not understanding how getting married before the PPD wedding means you can now live together after you're married.

Anyway, clearly I think that you need to make your choice. And then own it. And live with the consequences of the choices you make. You're not automatically entitled to BOTH just because you want both.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:60e0a2b3-57a5-4d37-8bec-bb3055ea0b67">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]To aerinpegadrak and those whose situations made it possible and benefical for them to have both their marriage and their wedding ceremonies on the same day, I congratulate you. To respond to your post: The court marriage is not about "feeling better" about living with my fiance. It is to make it possible for us to live together prior to the wedding. As I mentioned above, we have been living apart for the past almost 3 years.<strong> And thanks for explaining that expression to me, I think then that I'd rather HAVE the cake IN MY BELLY. </strong>
Posted by 2011Bubbly[/QUOTE]
Then you make a choice and live with it. The nutritional and flavor value of the cake was deemed more important than its aesthetic value, so you eat it and forfeit the aesthetic value altogether, permanently. Same goes with the wedding.

I doubt anyone is going to legally prohibit you from cohabiting with your FI. It is not, in point of fact, impossible. So again, if you're trying to mince words here, you're doing it very poorly. If your beliefs prevent you from doing so, that's fine. But then you have to decide what's more important: your beliefs, or all the trimmings.

SaraAndrew2010 · November 2010

It's possible that the PP has to marry her FI in order to live with him because he is in the military or something like that. However, that's something that has to be weighed in deciding what type of wedding to have and when to have it.

I agree with many people on these boards that you only get one wedding. Also, OP, you asked if other brides who had courthouse weddings kept their wedding a secret. Whatever you do, please please please don't lie to your friends and family. If you want to have a courthouse wedding and then a "wedding" for show, that's your choice (even though I think it is silly). However, lying to your friends and family to make them believe that your vow renewal is the actual wedding is incredibly rude and offensive.

You say that you want to have a second "wedding" so that your friends and family can share the experience. Keep in mind that the experience they want to share in is most likely your real, actual marriage and not just a recreation.

2011Bubbly · November 2010

I will not waste any more time responding to those who wish to judge our choice of having both a legal marriage and a wedding ceremony. It is our choice to have both. We have spoken with a lawyer and this option was recommended to us.

Once again, women who have had (or are having) similar situations, I ask for your experience. Those who may have not had this experience, but have ideas that may be helpful to us in this situation, I welcome you to share those thoughts as well.

bablingbrooke · November 2010

Yes, by all means, don't listen to the people trying to talk you out of a terrible idea. You might accidentally take the advice and avoid embarrassment and ridicule among your friends and family. Dodged a bullet there.

trix1223 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:8980f194-1f71-426b-90f2-df812ad89efd">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding... : I am not meaning to insult those who had a court house wedding. If they considered that to be their wedding, then that was their wedding and I congratulate them. <strong> I am simply saying that it is not what my fiance and I consider to be our wedding.</strong> Everyone's situation is different. If that was what they considered to be their wedding - that's great and congratulations to them. I did not mean to sound immature with my comments about the cake expression. I thought following it with a smiley face would make it obvious that I was meaning it in a lighthearted way. It is an unusual situation that we have. As I said, it is not ideal. I would love to be able to have our wedding ceremony date be our legal marriage date and then be able to go on a honeymoon and return home to live with my husband. Unfortuantely, that is not possible. As I addressed my post, are there any women who have had (or are having) similar situations, who may be able to share their experiences with me.
Posted by 2011Bubbly[/QUOTE]

The fact that you "don't consider it to be your wedding" doesn't mean that it's not. There are plenty of people who do things wrong but don't consider it to be wrong. That doesn't make it okay or right.

Bottom line: you want a pass to go on vacation with your FI before you're married. Then go on vacation. But don't pretend that you're not married after you go to the courthouse. Because you are.

The government will consider you married. Your friends will consider you married. You will consider yourself married, or you wouldn't be going on a "honeymoon" after the courthouse.

So a theatrical recreation of your courthouse won't be your wedding. It will be a matinee.

2011Bubbly · November 2010

These boards are very frustrating. I come on here asking for advice from women who have had similar situations or at least the ability to empathize. Instead, all I get is judgement. I congratulate you all and wish you the happiest of weddings/marriages regardless of your situations. I wish you could do the same for me.

Once again, this has nothing to do with "feeling better" or premarital sex or anything like that. It truely is a legal matter, which is why it was suggested to us by a lawyer, and the solution is a legal marriage.

The legal marriage is not something that I want to happen before the wedding ceremony, but it is something that is needed. I understand the difference between needs and wants. I know that needs must come first. But if I can have both, without hurting anyone (our family/friends would be understanding as they know the situation), then I do not see what is so wrong with that.

SaraAndrew2010 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:9088e7be-77bf-4b12-8550-f6e75cddc9e5">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, had you lurked for a while you'd know that people on TK don't approve of the situation you're describing and consider it a breach of etiquette. You're not going to get the answers that you want. You should go to a different board where maybe other people have done what you plan to do and ask their advice.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

I think OP has lurked here for a while because she mentioned that she knows that many posters don't approve of her type of plan and she isn't interested in hearing from us. But I don't really understand why she thinks a whole bunch of "two wedding" brides are going to materialize and tell her how great her idea is.

2011Bubbly · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:9088e7be-77bf-4b12-8550-f6e75cddc9e5">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, had you lurked for a while you'd know that people on TK don't approve of the situation you're describing and consider it a breach of etiquette. You're not going to get the answers that you want. You should go to a different board where maybe other people have done what you plan to do and ask their advice. BTW, I'm not trying to steer you away from the board altogether. I'm just pointing out the fact that you will probably not get the answers you're seeking for this particular question here.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I recognize your signature as you have been helpful on another one of my posts. Where do you recommend I post this?

2011Bubbly · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:72b34e8c-62b4-4891-a1dd-f50be54a661c">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, WHY is it impossible for you to get married once, have a reception, go on a honeymoon, and come home to live together? You keep saying it's legally impossible, but you haven't said why. What's the issue?
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

My fiance is from another country. This solution was suggested to us by our immigration attorney. We have been living in different states for the past 2 years and 8 months. Due in part to his visa status and in part to economic conditions, we are unable to find employment within the same city. A legal marriage would transfer sponsorship of his visa from his employer to me, thus allowing him more employment options. He could then find employment in the city I currently live in and we could live together.

bablingbrooke · November 2010

So I ask again: Why not do the small legal ceremony with your family and some close friends to witness it, then begin your lives together as a married couple? Do you see how having a second wedding is completely unnecessary?

trix1223 · November 2010

Brooke: I don't think she will see it, no matter how many times it's explained.

LD1970 · November 2010

Thought it might be immigration.

Most people here don't have issues with a huge shindig following a legal marriage for immigration purposes because of the crazy restrictions INS puts on you for getting married - you find out and then get like 30 days to get it done or something, right?

If that's the case, it's really ok to do both, IMO, BUT... the second wedding really is a vow renewal. It sounds like semantics, but as a lawyer I tend to think legally... your JOP wedding IS a wedding. Later, you'll be renewing your vows to have your friends and family involved in the whole production. Maybe that'll FEEL more like the wedding and that's ok, but you really will already be married beforehand and will have had your wedding.

By the way, a judge can do a perfectly nice wedding ceremony. It doesn't have to just be "paperwork." My wedding is at a fancyass venue, but with a judge officiating because we're areligious and I'm friends with the judge.

bdulli13 · November 2010

My guess, because of her mention of lawyers and such, is that her fiance isn't a citizen of the U.S. and that the only way they can travel together and live together and all the other stuff (without having to worry about all the red tape) is for them to be legally married. But, OP, these girls are right. When you're married, you're married. That's it. If you feel like you MUST do both, don't lie about it. I think you knew what kind of response you were going to get by reading other posts on this topic. That said, I have a friend who married her husband six months early because they are both Marines, and get better benefits/more money for housing/etc. as a married couple. She only told me and her immediate family. I didn't feel slighted when they did the church ceremony followed by their reception, and cried at their vows just the same, but that was probably because I knew. Like Cranberry, if I hadn't known and found out later, I probably would have been kind of upset.

What it comes down to is, consider what you want everything to feel like. Knowing you are already married is bound to take some of the excitement out of the second ceremony. I know I wouldn't feel nearly as emotional and joyous since the status had already been changed six months prior. No rules say you have to have your honeymoon directly following the wedding either-- I will be taking mine six months following ours. You only get one wedding day, truly, whether you consider it to be your wedding or not. Legal is legal.

filaw · November 2010

The thing I don't understand about the attitude of the legal wedding is the real one, is I have known many people who when they had their wedding, weren't allowed to get the legal part. Everyone thinks of them as really married though, and when we attending their wedding we didn't think it wasn't a real wedding just because there weren't documents to go with it.

On the flip side, I also know several couples who have chosen not to get the legal documents even though they are allowed to, out of protest that their friends and loved ones aren't allowed to. Again, no one thought their wedding wasn't "real".

The legal document is just that. A contract with the government. With what counts as a real marriage and who gets to be in charge of it (church or state, etc) in so much debate and flux, I don't understand how there can be such "clarity" on the issue.

OP, I'm glad you're finding a way that works for you.

ETA: for the name change question, I'm not sure how it works in your state, but in California, it's best to do the name change as part of the marriage licence application. At that point in time, you could change to his, he could change to yours or you both could change to some kind of hyphenation. If you did it this way, it came "for free". Otherwise, you have to go to court to change it. Which is a lot more time and money.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

I have a friend who did a small, private wedding ceremony, and then was planning to do what she calls a "big fluffy" six months later (though it wouldn't be a staged ceremony or vow renewal, but something called a sealing, I don't know what it entails). Then she got pregnant, and her husband lost his job, and they didn't have any money, and six months became a year. Now I think they're talking about doing it next spring, but I don't think it will happen. At this point, I don't think it's ever going to happen. I know she still wants it, but it's just not the same priority to anyone, even the two of them, since they're already married.

Yes, immigration places some restrictions onto things, but even if you want a big party with all of your family and friends, you can still pull it off so that they can see the real thing. A wedding does not take that long to plan. My SSIL's wedding was truly lovely and planned in 5 weeks. Really, it's just a party. Since you wouldn't have an idea of your date until you get the approval to go ahead with the ceremony, the best way to go about it would be to keep your vision flexible enough to work in several different locations, then establish a short list of vendors who you like and are within your budget. Then, once you know when the wedding needs to be, you just go down the list and call them up to find out who's available.

I sympathize that it's not an ideal situation, but life isn't ideal. You compromise, you adapt, you get creative, you find ways to make it work. That's true with any situation, not just wedding planning.

filaw · November 2010

In Response to Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...:
[QUOTEbut something called a sealing, I don't know what it entails).
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Is your friend Mormon? In the Mormon church they do a sealing ceremony (usually it's *just* a sealing ceremony and not also a traditional American wedding). Though for that, only people who are also Mormons are allowed into the temple, so that's a bit confusing.

SSaltzman87 · November 2010

I don't see the point of a 2nd wedding either. That sounds absolutely greedy and tacky.

A family friend of mine had to marry her husband much earlier than expected because his visa was about to expire and he'd have to go back to his native country.

They got married at the courthouse with her parents as witnesses, then a few months later had their reception with family and friends.

I hope that the idea I stated was what you're trying to convey.

2011Bubbly · November 2010

Thank you to:
The Cranberry
LD1970
bdulli13
filaw

You all seem to understand that I am trying to make the best of the situation. I have already booked and planned things for the wedding date. Regardless of what people in this forum say or whether or not we have an earlier marriage date, the celebratory ceremony is going to happen. Our family, friends, and the two of us will have a great time celebrating our love.

I posted this in hopes of getting some ideas from those who have had the experience. I am not asking for anyone to validate our decisions. That validation is not necessary. I do not understand why is it necessary that our decisions be judged as they have been, but that seems to be the tune of these boards.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:17c5d5a3-cf16-4d86-a6a3-32cd414077b3">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding... : [QUOTEbut something called a sealing, I don't know what it entails). Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE] Is your friend Mormon? In the Mormon church they do a sealing ceremony (usually it's *just* a sealing ceremony and not also a traditional American wedding). Though for that, only people who are also Mormons are allowed into the temple, so that's a bit confusing.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
Nope, she's quite Pagan. I want to say that the sealing is a Celtic thing (the part that follows a handfasting when the handfasting is used as an engagement), but I'm not entirely certain.

RebeccaB88 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:c62bf4f9-9c97-40ff-af20-965ee795dd3d">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, immigration places some restrictions onto things, but even if you want a big party with all of your family and friends, you can still pull it off so that they can see the real thing. A wedding does not take that long to plan. My SSIL's wedding was truly lovely and planned in 5 weeks. Really, it's just a party. [/QUOTE]

Seriously, if it's that important to you to have a 'real wedding', you can do it fast, if you have the time and money at your fingertips, and are willing to make compromises and not be picky.

Buy a dress off the rack. Attendants wear something they already have or pick out their own. FI and groomsmen wear their own suits. Wear your own jewelry or borrow from family members.
Book whatever venue you can get your hands on for whatever date you can get (or get permission for). Use their basic catering package, pick off the regular menu, or just do cake and punch afterwards. Or book a restaurant and do everything there. Or go to a local park, friend or family's large backyard or farm.
Forget anything that can't be done *right then*.
Basic flowers (whatever is already in stock) from Costco or the grocery store florist.
Find a judge in the phone book to marry you.
Buy an invitation kit from a craft store and print your own.
Do your own hair and makeup.
Forget formal photographer - let friends or family take pictures. Or spend one day nailing down whoever you can find that's free that day.

You can do all this in a month or 6 weeks if you buckle down.

bablingbrooke · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:9fecae9c-103c-4838-8ce8-692a189af256">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you to: The Cranberry LD1970 bdulli13 filaw You all seem to understand that I am trying to make the best of the situation. I have already booked and planned things for the wedding date. Regardless of what people in this forum say or whether or not we have an earlier marriage date, the celebratory ceremony is going to happen. Our family, friends, and the two of us will have a great time celebrating our love. I posted this in hopes of getting some ideas from those who have had the experience. I am not asking for anyone to validate our decisions. That validation is not necessary. I do not understand why is it necessary that our decisions be judged as they have been, but that seems to be the tune of these boards.
Posted by 2011Bubbly[/QUOTE]
No one's forcing you to take the advice you don't like, but to call out everyone who didn't tell you what you wanted to hear is just immature and rude.<div>
</div><div>Sometimes the best advice is what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. No one's trying to rain on your parade, just trying to help you understand that life throws you curve balls sometimes and you have to deal with it like an adult, not a child who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Your situation sucks, but you need to play the hand you're dealt. In 5 years you won't care whether you had the big wedding; you'll just care that you're married. Trust me on that one.</div>

LD1970 · November 2010

Everyone else gave you valid advice as well. It's a heated topic.

The difference I see between immigration (which IS sometimes given leeway) and military (which is generally NOT given leeway on these boards) is that if you have people traveling & have to plan in a month, you really don't have time to get invitations out and get responses back, or even notify people if you want to have the big fluffy deal. That's what makes it different from your average "I want two weddings!" situation.

ShilasMom · November 2010

Lots of people have two weddings... for religious, legal or other reasons.

Some find it easier because they are planning a destination wedding and it can be a lot of red tape and hassle to get married in another country. Some do it for religious reasons. either they're LDS and have a private ceremony, and like friends I've had, had another 'ceremony' that friends could attend. Some couples come from different countries and have 'weddings in both', or different cultures and have two different kinds of ceremonies and some are of two different religions and celebrate both. I'knew one girl who had her wedding in the works and everything booked and paid for but a family member (mother) became terminally ill and was not going to make it to the 'real' wedding so they had a small private ceremony so her mom could see her get married, but continued with the other wedding afterwards. Because I don't want to incorporate the signing of legal documentation into our religious and spiritual ceremony we are planning to do paper work ahead of time. Plus my Brother is a youth minister and can't legally marry anyone but i want him to preside over our ceremony to make it more intimate and special and family oriented.

What your asking is for the logistics...

It's easier to change your name at the legal proceeding.

We won't wear rings until after our 'Formal' ceremony.

Will it feel as special? Probably not, but it doesn't mean it won't be special. and if you only get married once, you won't know how different the special feeling is, so it really won't matter will it?

tell whoever it matters to. Parents family, what have you, tell everyone, who cares, just specify you will be having a formal or religious or whatever you want to call it, even a 'vow renewal' .

Do whatever you need to do, and whats right for you guys.

Manwaithiel · November 2010

OP, I think as long as you are PERFECTLY honest about what you are doing to all of your guests, then do whatever you, your FI, and your friends and family think is right.

I'm doing what you're doing and I'm going to give you another POV. Obviously, as exhibited by earlier posts and by many other posters on TK, some people think this idea is a little crazy. They don't like it. And that's legitimate. There is NO reason for you to call people out for saying things you don't like. I've gotten called to the carpet for what I'm doing and I told everyone that I respected their opinion on the situation, but I and everyone around me were going to do what we thought was best.

And here's what's happening. I talked to my parents. He talked to his parents. We spoke with our officiant and his wife on the subject. We talked to our WP. We called our grandparents and asked for their advice. I called several older friends of mine (when I say older I mean like 20 years older than me) for advice. We talked to our siblings and their SOs. We've talked to cousins and aunts and uncles and everyone else who is part of this wedding.

And you know what they all said? They thought our idea was a wonderful idea. They applauded us for doing what we thought was right and get married before we move in together. They said they were still looking forward to the wedding and couldn't wait to witness us publicly state our vows to our loved ones and celebrate with us. They can't wait to see my dress. They can't wait to party. They are all genuinely happy and thrilled and most of them didn't even understand why they should care if I signed a piece of paper the very day that I had the public ceremony. For most of them, our legal matters our none of their concern.

I think if you are absolutely clear on what you are doing and if your guests and family and friends all support your decision like that, then you're probably doing the right thing. Obviously, everyone is going to have their own opinion and on a big international internet forum, you're bound to find a million people who won't like they way you do things.

But do not, under any circumstances, lie about this. Do not try and tell people you are just now getting married when you really aren't. Just be as honest as everyone is being with you here. Honesty is your friend. You'll see quickly if this is a good idea for the people who would be involved in your vow renewal.

FWIW, I have yet to go to a wedding where anyone signed the marriage license the day of. I have yet to witness anyone signing a marriage license. I have asked every married couple I can find if they signed their license during the ceremony and I have always gotten the equivalent of a blank stare when I asked. I have never, ever heard of someone caring about this until I logged onto the TK. So obviously there are many people who don't like this, but I think there are probably as many people who, if they don't necessarily LIKE it, simply don't care one way or the other.

Please do not take this post as validation for how you've responded to some people on here. They are giving you their opinions and you opened yourself up when you asked about it. Getting mad about people telling you how they feel about a situation is silly. Take their opinions into consideration, but remember that we are strangers on the internet. Only the people near and dear to you who will be part of the festivities you are planning can tell you what they think. So tell them.

jenn.daniel · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:1115f9cb-a55f-422e-99ce-9b72a23f5247">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding... : <strong>If you eat the cake, you no longer have it. It is gone. The cake can either sit on your table looking pretty, or be in your belly. It cannot exist in both states simultaneously. That is the point of the expression.</strong> So basically you'd want to do the JOP so you can feel better about moving in with your FI, but still have all the trimmings and trappings of a wedding? I just don't see the point.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I NEVER understood this phrase. I didn't know how you could eat cake that you didn't have. It makes a lot more sense now.

Why can't you move the big fancy wedding up? My MOH put her wedding together in about 3 months do to visa/immigration stuff for her FI, now DH. It was a very nice wedding. Another friend planned her wedding in a short period of time so they could get married before her guy was deployed to Iraq. Neither couple had JOP then the big party later. They both had to sacrifice a few things (mailed invitations, in one case), but in the end they got married with their friends and family WITH them.

banana468 · November 2010

OP, you clearly want SOMEONE to consider you and your FI married.

The problem is that then EVERYONE will consider you married. You don't get to pick and choose.

Manwaithiel · November 2010

Also agree with banana. You ARE married. Isn't that the whole point of what you're doing?

I'm so excited to be married in a month. And I'm going to have a great time at my vow renewal in May. But I'm WAY more excited about the getting married part. Don't put your hands over your ears and be like "Well I'm not REALLY married, and I don't REALLY consider this my wedding," etc. Because that really doesn't help with the whole being honest thing.

Anysunrise · November 2010

OP: I'm in the same situation as you. I'm Canadian, my fiance is American. We're planning on doing the same thing, not just because of the small window of time to a) get things done and b) notify our families (mine are all small business owners, making it hard to get time off work, and they'll be travelling 1300 miles so it's not exactly something you can do in two days).

People don't seem to realize what immigration entails. It's not a cheap and easy process. At the end of this, when I've applied for my green card, which needs to be done within 90 days of my entering the country, we'll have spent a good 3 grand getting me there. I have no idea if I'll even get approved, literally until the moment they say yes. So while I'd love to plan a wedding in 5 weeks, we couldn't afford to no matter how cheap we did it.

Honestly, I don't agree with everyone who says it's having your cake and eating it too. If it were really that excessive, everyone would have a courthouse wedding. Weddings are by nature AWish, it's not going to matter in the long run if you don't put ink on a piece of paper that day.

I will agree and say don't lie about it to anyone. Because frankly, no one's going to care. I've told every single person invited to my wedding that we're doing it this way, and no one's blinked an eye. I can certainly imagine they'd react differently if told afterwards though.

To answer your questions, I can't tell you much about the ceremony because I don't know yet, but we will be waiting until the wedding/vow renewal/whatever to exchange rings and for me to change my name.

Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...

Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards