Un-ask a BM....??? I had to do it...

KatCarlson · January 2010

I feel absolutely terrible that i had to give the open door to one of my best friends. We have been friends since 7th grade. I thought that she would have been the last person to let me down. It started out with her asking to move up my wedding date a couple of times because her husband recently enlisted in the Navy and she didn't know where she was going to be come time for my wedding. Don't get me wrong i am from a military family and totally understand military life. But i did not see the relavantcy to doing this. Then she asked if i was inviting her ex husband who is a good friend of my Fiance. She then proceeded to tell me that she would not stay at the reception if he was there. Let alone barely tolerating standing up with me during the wedding if he was sitting there staring at here. The last straw, due to the economy and the past coming to nip at her heels. I am willing to help my friend in any way that i could so she be there with me on my wedding day. I have wondered if i did everything i could she still would find an excuse to not come for one day out of my life. In 3 months time she was asking wishy washy questions and what seemed to be was looking for a way out if her husband was not going to be able to be there for her moral support if her Ex happened to show up.
I am justifying that i would rather be disappointed now than lets say 1 month before the wedding or the week of the wedding. I would be stuck with a dress and no friend and a broken heart. So with 1/1/10 question of the day "YES" it is okay to unask for your sanity.

banana468 · January 2010

But are you OK that you just ended a friendship?

Sometimes it could be necessary to tell the BM that she's not in the wedding but that actions means that you're removing the BM from your life. If that is something that you're OK with then it sounds like you made the right decision.

christieandalex10 · January 2010

Your friend sounds rather dramatic. Have you already given her the boot? If so, I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble. If not, you could be fairly democratic and give her the OPTION of giving up the position as your bridesmaid. Explain to her what you expect as a bridesmaid (no wedding day drama!) and let her decide.

I like the post above. Emphasizing to your BM that the friendship is not lost!

Good luck to you.

KatCarlson · January 2010

What would you do if you were constantly told that she might not be there? Have them go thru with a dress....set up flowers, apointments, programs and then have them string you along and then not be able to come? That would be the end of a friendship. Financially it ended up that she was not going to make it work. I am not made of money and mostly flipping my own bill for the wedding and buying a plane ticket for her from anywhere USA a month or weeks before the wedding is not in my budget. We know with each other that if she is not there then we are together in spirit. I think she just wants to be with her husband more right now and that is all she can think of is being a family and leaving our little town that we grew up in.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

If you're okay with the fact that you may have ended the friendship for good, more power to you. Only you know whether it was the right decision. Frankly, programs, flowers and a dress aren't enough for me to trash a friendship, but she doesn't sound like a great friend but rather someone you've just known for a really long time.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Wow. Your wedding (one day) is more important to you than years of friendship. I guess this is a blessing in disguise to this girl. At least she gets to see how much her "friend" really valued her.

RogueQueen · January 2010

Wow, Myname is not, that was harsh and mean! Sometimes in life you have to stand up for yourself, do what is right for you in YOUR situation, don't let someone walk all over you and make you regret anything on this day. As someone who had a bridesmaid drop out because of extremely irratic behavior, zero reliability, no interest in any of the planning, finacially strapped (and yes i did offer to help her out with the cost of her dress other items) i couldn't be happier she realized focusing on herself was more important than supporting me on my big day, so now i have a lot less stress (caused by her behavior) and was able to ask someone else to fill in who TRULY felt honored. I think you did the right thing, she failed on the friendship part, not you.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

To Rogue: You won't regret an inattentive BM. You will regret kicking someone out because you perceive that they might be inattentive. This is from someone whose MOH went out of her way to try to ruin everything about our wedding and who had absolutely no impact on the enjoyment of our day.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

Did you ever think of tellng her that if circumstances like money and deployments get in the way of her actual attendance, that she is still your best friend and is a BM. YOu can list her in the program, and still have a friendship. IWth both of you being military wives, people would be more than understanding of an empty spot in your wedding party reserved for someone who physically can't be there. If its true that she will be there with you in spirit, then its perfectly fine to keep her in the WP and her not actually show up.

I think your feelings are hurt because she won't drop her marriage and/or go into debt withyou.. And if she had a bad end with her ex and is going through a highly emotional time with the impending deployment of hur new husband, I think a little yunderstanding is in order. Yes, they should both suck it up for a couple hours, but depending on the backstory there, it could be very painful for your friend.

Personally, I would not be willing to lose a long time friend over her finances and/or marital situation, but that is your call to make.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

Oh, and being disappointed does not risk your sanity. Drama only gets you down if you take it personally and let it get under your skin. Yes, it would make you sad if she couldn't come at the last minute, but if you prepared yourself for that possibility, recognixing that she is still your best friend, then it wouldn't be so hard.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-ask-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:178030f2-d7b9-4c9a-8e23-b87cb0e5f687Post:330e9a8b-1479-4c3c-a352-eddaf755ea14">Un-ask a BM....??? I had to do it...</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel absolutely terrible that i had to give the open door to one of my best friends. We have been friends since 7th grade. I thought that she would have been the last person to let me down. It started out with her asking to move up my wedding date a couple of times because her husband recently enlisted in the Navy and she didn't know where she was going to be come time for my wedding. Don't get me wrong i am from a military family and totally understand military life. But i did not see the relavantcy to doing this. Then she asked if i was inviting her ex husband who is a good friend of my Fiance. She then proceeded to tell me that she would not stay at the reception if he was there. Let alone barely tolerating standing up with me during the wedding if he was sitting there staring at here. The last straw, due to the economy and the past coming to nip at her heels. I am willing to help my friend in any way that i could so she be there with me on my wedding day. I have wondered if i did everything i could she still would find an excuse to not come for one day out of my life. In 3 months time she was asking wishy washy questions and what seemed to be was looking for a way out if her husband was not going to be able to be there for her moral support if her Ex happened to show up. I am justifying that i would rather be disappointed now than lets say 1 month before the wedding or the week of the wedding. I would be stuck with a dress and no friend and a broken heart. So with 1/1/10 question of the day "YES" it is okay to unask for your sanity.
Posted by KatCarlson[/QUOTE]
JIC

banana468 · January 2010

Kat, honestly if she constantly told me she wouldn't be there, I'd just point blank ask her, "Honey, I really want you to be there but can you tell me if you'll be able to commit to being there that day?"

And depending on how she approached it from the start would depend on my reaction. If she seemed not to care from the beginning then I'd look deeper into our friendship to see what the issue was. If she was non-commital from the start, I'd also look to see what was going on with her.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't end the friendship if my alleged best friend said, "I can't guarantee that I'll show up," but there would be a ton of other factors that would lead me to that decision.

gottahavashorti · January 2010

I get that you're disappointed and that she's not being a good friend right now. It doesn't sound like she's done anything friendship ending though, so I don't think you have grounds to kick her out of the WP. Some people just have nasty breakups.

Honestly, if she's that wishy washy she may drop out on her own. You realize now that she's being like this, so prepare yourself for the possibility that you may have one less bridesmaid and find out when the dress and plane ticket aren't purchased. Don't ask her if she wants to drop out like a PP said though, that will just sound to her like you are kicking her out while attempting to give it the appearance of being a choice.

Reevaluate the friendship after the wedding if you'd like.

duckie1905 · January 2010

I wouldn't think that a friendship that lasted years and provided a lifetime worth of memories would be worth ending over one day, but if you are okay with that then awesome.

But, sounds to me like you are both drama queens and need to get a grip. Really? Your disappointment over her inability to commit was a threat to your sanity? Come now, that sounds more drama queen than anything else.

dea_f · January 2010

Sometimes a friendship is not what you thought it was and asking someone to be a little selfless in your honour really shows what kindof friendship you really have. A superficial relationship may exist that you THOUGHT was deeper, but from the friend's point of view, you are not worth the effort. I'm not saying that I know this applies to this situation, I'm just saying maybe we should grant the bride a little understanding that she probably didn't do this lightly and that she might be right- this behaviour could be showing that this friend is not as good as she thought. Just because they've been friends for many years doesn't mean that their relationship is intimate... at least from the friend's perspective. I know most of you don't think that weddings are stressful, but from the experience I had... they are INCREDIBLY stressful and quite frankly, this is not a simple "oh well, she doesn't shows, no big deal". The decision could change a lot of things and worrying about this on top of all the other issues that are part and parcel of a wedding could be extremely stressful. The bride could be on the hook for the dress, the cost of the BMs dinner, the room in the limo if it is at max capacity (bride could've ordered a smaller limo, for example), flowers not being used, etc. Plus all the time and effort it takes to change things around if she changes her mind. Quite frankly, for a friend acting as if MY money and time means nothing to them when trying to adjust things for them to be there, and then not being there, I wouldn't exactly be willing to be very understanding. It is a two way street- this friend is being inconsiderate. If we must be understanding because our friend has things going on that makes things difficult for them, then maybe our friends should be thinking of how difficult their indecision can be making it for us. Our weddings may not be as important to other people as us, but neither are other people's relathionships and friends need to understand that a wedding IS important to us and requires a lot of planning and effort, therefore a little consideration is in order.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

The problem is that tie never goes to the bride in these cases. Frankly, unless the BM was on the news burning down an orphanage, everyone who gets wind of the situation will simply assume that the bride has turned into a power-tripping 'zilla, and the only people who will sympathize are other 'zillas. The bride may have her reasons, but no one cares. Kicking out a bridesmaid means losing at least one friend and losing a lot of credibility with others.

banana468 · January 2010

dea_f, I think it's all in HOW you deal with the situation.

I think if the friend can't commit to being there, you are well within your rights as a bride to say, "I do need you to tell me if you're able to be there. No one can replace you as MOH but I do need to know if I'm going to be paying for a bouquet that you won't be there to hold."

Unless the BM has a lot going on, she should be able to give a yes or no answer.

However that answer should come from the BM and not the bride. I don't think the way to solve the issue is to say, "If you can't promise that you'll be there then fine! You're out of the wedding party!"

However I think if you say, "I love you and I do need to make sure that I'm budgeting everything appropriately," your friend will begin to get that it's not just a small detail if the MOH doesn't show.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

"I know most of you don't think that weddings are stressful, but from the experience I had... they are INCREDIBLY stressful and quite frankly, this is not a simple "oh well, she doesn't shows, no big deal". The decision could change a lot of things and worrying about this on top of all the other issues that are part and parcel of a wedding could be extremely stressful."

dea, as a bride who had a completely stress-free wedding despite a MOH who not only failed in every conceivable way but also TRIED to ruin things, no, they are NOT incredibly stressful. If you are stressed about your wedding, you need to get over yourself. It's a party. And hardly worth stress. There's a marriage and a lot of living after the "big day", don't handicap those by treating the wedding day as the be-all, end-all. You'll wish you had that flaky friend who was good enough for you all the years prior to the wedding when life's tragedies inevitably strike. You'll look back at your early-20s self and wonder why on earth wedding perfection was so important you. Heck, I've only been married 5 months and I already feel that way about weddings, including my own.

Consider that the reason some of us say these things is that we've been there, done that, and learned a thing or two.

dea_f · January 2010

Babling, I've been there done that too... I've been married for 3 months now and believe me... my wedding being ridiculously stressful had nothing to do with me taking myself too seriously" . People seem to think that a wedding is the time to start dictating a bride's life and when planning a party means having to cater to every single person's whim above and before your own. Between parents with their own agendas, a fiance with budget concerns and compromising with him to give you both the wedding you were hoping for, friends who have their own "needs and wants" I don't see how you can say that it's my own fault that it was stressful. There is a lot of pressure put on the couple, especially the bride in most weddings and I believe that you having an unstressful wedding puts you in the minority, not the majority (your mother planned your wedding, did you not? Unless you paid and planned your wedding, I think you're speaking outside of your realm of knowledge). Infact, I would say that most of the behaviour you see and condemn on this site is an exact product of everyone and their dog having their own expecations and needs of the bride (and groom). Please do not judge me as you do not know a thing about me

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Wedding planning is only as stressful as you make it. Disagree with that all you want, but the fact of the matter is it's true.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-ask-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:178030f2-d7b9-4c9a-8e23-b87cb0e5f687Post:0fe99f2e-8c80-4c10-88c8-6cf1e6628b96">Re: Un-ask a BM....??? I had to do it...</a>:
[QUOTE]I believe that you having an unstressful wedding puts you in the minority, not the majority.
Posted by dea_f[/QUOTE]
I think you hang out with a lot of really dramatic people, then. Everyone I know, both IRL and through online communities, who's made a conscious effort not to stress about their wedding found the experience to be remarkably stress-free.

But being stressed is a poor excuse for being a bad friend. People go through rough spots all the time, so why is it acceptable to take it out on others if a wedding is involved, when it's not at any other time? The short answer is: it's not. If you really think a single day's party is worth threatening life-long relationships, then your priorities are way out of whack.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

If you are so stressed out by your wedding, you are over thinking it.

It's just a party. It isn't that complicated. If throwing a party stresses you out so much that you think you have an excuse to mistreat your friends, adult life is going to be a real shock.

dea_f · January 2010

My point is that we don't know how "worth it" the friendship is. That is the OPs opinion and theirs alone. I think that we cannot judge her behaviour becuase we know nothing about the history of the friendship. Just because it has been many years does not mean that the friend of the OPs thinks that OP is a great, close friend and that the bride is asking her to do something selfless may be requiring something she's not willing to do because of her perspective of the friendship. They aren't a bad friend just because they aren't completely submitting to inconsiderate friends or selfish demands. Within reason a bride must acommodate and be understanding, but there is a limit and I think this friend may have been crossing it... what she was doing was inconsiderate. Maybe kicking her out was a little harsh, but I can see why the OP was so upset. I would be too if someone wasn't taking my time and money into consideration in the least. Weddings are not just parties, I might add... that's the reception. They are very important religous rights of passage which are once in a lifetime for the bride and groom and those around them should love them enough that for that one day, to make it easy on them if they are able to and within the confines of their own comfort level. I don't think a bride should have to put up with this kind of inconsideration.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Be honest with yourself--I'm willing to bet you never stressed out over the ceremony, you stressed out over the party. That's all I ever hear brides stress about--aspects of the reception.

A bride is not a princess or queen--she can put up with real life just as much as anyone. An engagement ring does not make you fragile. And if it does, you're taking the wedding waaaay too seriously.

It's the marriage that needs attention, focus, and support. Not the wedding.

banana468 · January 2010

Dea, as I said, it's all in how you handle it.

Handle it poorly and you come off as the intolerant bride.

Handle it appropriately and you come off as the gracious one.

mbcdefg · January 2010

I've paid for and planned my own wedding, and haven't found it stressful.

The only part that's really made me worry or feel uncomfortable is the sinking feeling of writing all those checks at the end. Not because we can't afford it (because we only planned the kind of wedding we knew we could afford), but because nobody really likes giving up all that money.

If people offered up opinions that I didn't like, I just said, "O.K., Ill consider it," and then did what I wanted anyway.

dea_f · January 2010

Babling, the wedding party is particularly important before and during the ceremoy- not the reception, so anyone who is having issues with BMs are dealing with a ceremony issue, not a party issue.

steph43987 · January 2010

So many good points. Wedding planning isn't just as stressful as you make it. You also have to surround yourself with a good support system. Otherwise, other people can make it stressful.
Therefor, I refuse to talk wedding stuff with certain people, because certain people have a way of getting on my nerves and stressing me out...

Unasking is friendship ending just like declining an invite to be in someone else's wedding is ... so if she can't decline without ruining the friendship, and you can't kick her out without ruining the friendship, the only solution is to have never asked her to begin with, which obviously isn't an option at this point. However, if you've known her for so long, wouldn't you be more aware of who she is and predict that she might not be reliable? This can't be the first time she's let you down... And on the other hand of that, she should probably know you well enough that none of this will surprise her anyway.
Judging aside...
I guess you could call her and say, "Hey I am willing to help you make it here but I cannot afford to do so if there is a chance you might not show up. I need a for sure answer"
This way, you give her the option to back out with no hard feelings and you know up front what to expect.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Short of the WP member trying to set the venue on fire, their behaviour before the ceremony should be of no matter. And even that can't ruin it--my MOH (the one who tried to ruin everything) actually *did* accidentally set her bouquet on fire during the ceremony (she was holding a candle and her bouquet at the same time and wasn't paying close attention--my dad had to run up and put out the fire. Many laughs and interesting photos.).

A WP issue is never a ceremony issue. It's almost always a relationship issue. You can't control what others do but you can control how you respond. I advocate letting things go and not stressing. Sorry you decided to let it stress you.

dea_f · January 2010

That is true that most of the time BP issues stem from friendship issues, but a few people were saying that you shouldn't let things like this stress you out because "you're just planning a party" - my point is that a bride is not just planning a party. This issue is about someone giving their time, attention and money to the bride because the bride has chosen these special people to stand beside her while she makes very important, very special vows infront of her friends and family. Asking this of someone can really show how they truly feel about the bride as they may not be willing to do the things required to be a good friend- which is being selfless and being there for someone on such a big and important day. It also means respecting the bride's time and money. It IS a big deal that someone can't committ to being at the wedding because it is inconsiderate to the bride to lead her along and keep her guessing whether she should plan for your attendance or not. It is about the inconsiderate friend, not the bride who is just trying to plan for things.

dea_f · January 2010

I am not saying that if someone can't afford to go or afford the dress that they aren't a good friend. I'm just saying that in some cases a friend doesn't feel like they are close enough to the bride that it warrants giving that much of themselves on the bride's choice of attire or travelling, etc. If this is the case, then perhaps there could be a disconnect in how the two friends view their relationship

Un-ask a BM....??? I had to do it...

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