I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned

BecW2be · March 2010

Thanks for the kind words in the good morning thread, girls! And for the eaten flower, Vally. I could never kick you in the shins, no matter how frustrated I am.

Manda is a good kid. Better than a lot of teens. I know, I know. I'm hard on her, and I expect a lot more of her than most parents. I had a mortgage at 16; I don't offer much sympathy for that awkward growing up stage. Suck it up, make a plan and get on with it.

I busted her for lying constantly to me, so I took her car for a month, so now she hates me. She locks herself in her room, ignores Chloe, and just thinks she has the toughest, most awful life right now. I want to smack her every time I look at her.

She's graduating in June and has decided to move in with her dad and stay here for her first year, at the community college. I'm fine with that, but she needs to get transcripts to them, get registered with the college, apply for Federal aid and, most importantly, GET A JOB. There's a $2500 scholarship through my company, and I gave her the paperwork Feb. 1. It needs to be postmarked 3.10. I just got it from her this morning, unfinished. I want to strangle her.

J is angry because she's disrespectful to me, and even worse to him, and I'm just exhausted and over it. I'm booking the trip to Disney for 3, and we can buy tickets daily for her if she decides to grow up and be human again and go with us. I'd feel awful leaving her behind, but I know I probably need to just so she'll realize she's an adult and I'm not taking her crap anymore. Being an adult is not sitting in your room, sulking and watching MTv all day. You suck and you need to improve!

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for letting me vent. Whew!

shellydiane820 · March 2010

She's going to regret not doing the financial aid once she's done hating the world.

Live and learn.

AlexiaANDRobert · March 2010

As usual, I like your style.

laurenclaire1386 · March 2010

She's also going to regret being an asshole. When I think of some of the stuff I did and said to my parents at that age, it's enough to make me cry. And I was a decent kid. She'll get her shiit together. You're a good mom and you're doing the right thing. She'll come around.

vallyhoo · March 2010

oh

I dunno what to say.

luckyme502 · March 2010

My daughter will be 13 on Friday. I can understand some of the frustration you are feeling. My daughter is a great kid too. She just makes some really stupid decisions. When she tells me she is mad at me, I tell her that's okay because my job isn't for her to like me but to make sure she becomes a responsible productive member of society. Just hang in there. My mom and I used to get in screaming matches when I was a teenager, but now we are very close.

ac_in_dc · March 2010

Just keep on her. Sorry you're dealing with this right now.

If it's any help, I was a pretty good kid but for some reason I turned into a monster the end of my senior year in HS. I think I was stressed by all of the change, ready to get the fvck out of the house but not sure what was in store for me.

I may have been a bigger pain in the ass in 8th grade, but it's definitely a close call.

julezlee · March 2010

So, you're saying there's an open spot on the Disney vacay?

In all seriousness, I think you just have to let her act like the adult she thinks she is. Once she misses out on financial aid, doesn't have a job and realizes living with her dad and the skank isn't as much fun as she thought it'd be, she'll go back to being a real person. Then you can just bask in all her apologies.

I'm sure this is impossibly hard to let her make all these mistakes (especially since you raised her better) but making those mistakes may be the only way she can really mature and learn how to live like a real adult.

goheels05 · March 2010

aMrsin09 · March 2010

Oh I'd be a worse mom, because that TV would go away and her computer would be moving down to the family common areas.

Night_Sprite · March 2010

When I was 18, I spent the summer drinking and hanging out with a bad crowd. I was rebelling and angry and not a fan of my family. I still went to work and never got arrested. I grew out of it and look back on that period and cringe at my behavior. It wasn't great. It wasn't fun for me or my mom and dad, but we're fine now. I am now a productive, happy, healthy adult.

I'm sorry that growing pains suck so much. I just know there are much worse things she could be doing than sitting in her room sulking.

bbyckes · March 2010

I know how frustrated you are Bec. I don't have any advice, just commiserating. I swear, for a while there everytime I looked at my son, I wanted to run the other way for fear he'd end up on the side of a road somewhere - hobo style. It gets better - you know this. Hugs to you, my sweet. Continue loving her and showing how much you love her. She'll come around and I guarantee you, she knows how fortunate she is.

goheels05 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-going-rant-teen-drama-now-youve-warned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3c472adf-0b56-494f-82e6-101d2a584573Post:975fa350-0536-483c-aad1-a60fb4a7bffd">Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh I'd be a worse mom, becuase that TV would go away and her computer would b moving down to the family common areas.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is what my parents would have done. Also, my door would be off it's hinges.

mandapanda78 · March 2010

I agree with LC- you are one of the best moms I know. Does it help at all that even through this I still admire your parenting skills? I think your decision on the Disney trip is a great one. Being an adult is more than just turning 18, it's about behavior and choices. In the long run, deciding to be a turd and missing out on a family vacation is a small price to pay for hopefully learning an important life lesson about acting like a grown up.

(PS sending you a PM in a moment about something completely different)

FutureMrsTR · March 2010

I'm sorry Bec

Sounds like you're doing everything right. I was a good kid, but I know I gave my mom hell sometimes, but we're very close now. Tough love is sometimes the way to go. Just keep on doing what you're doing because you're a great mom!

J&K10910 · March 2010

I had a story typed out about when I was 18, but then I figured you probably didn't care. So I deleted it, and I'm jsut going to say that I'm sorry she's being a butthead, I think you're doing the right thing, and I hope she comes around soon. There comes a time when you have to effectively cut the cord. It sounds like it's definitely time for Manda to get the rude boot out into the real world to realize she needs to shape up. Good for you, Bec. Stay strong!

AlexiaANDRobert · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-going-rant-teen-drama-now-youve-warned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3c472adf-0b56-494f-82e6-101d2a584573Post:5de5c438-e37b-4785-bb21-ba4cb2c78385">Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned : Yes, this is what my parents would have done. Also, my door would be off it's hinges.
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

Ha, I remember watching my brother carry his tv down the hall and almost dropped it. And then I told my Dad to just take all the cables, duh. Oh, and this was after they shaved his head and put all but 5 shirts, 5 shorts, and 5 underwear, in the garage after finding out he smoked pot.

And my sister, who was 21 and living at home, didn't have a door for a week. It was awesome cause she was being a wench to us younger siblings. I love my parents.

goheels05 · March 2010

Bec, really, there's only one thing you can do at this point. Leave it up to God now. It's in the Lord's hands.

Night_Sprite · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-going-rant-teen-drama-now-youve-warned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3c472adf-0b56-494f-82e6-101d2a584573Post:ef3c40cc-33aa-4599-853f-b184fb63e025">Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned : Oh yeah, take her door down! If she's being disrespectful, she doesn't deserved any respect either. She lives under your roof so she's under your rules.
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]
That just seems harsh to me.

BecW2be · March 2010

Thanks so much girls.

Yeah, I know I can't do this for her, and she needs to fail, but God it's hard to watch. She's never had to work at anything. She's a great student, but it's ridiculously easy for her, so it's not something she takes pride in. She needs a job and some priorities. Neither of which I can do for her.

If I tell her I want her to go with me, she says I'm pushing her. If I tell her I want her to stay with her dad, she says I don't want her anymore. I told her last week that I am absolutely fine with whatever she decides, but I won't be giving my opinion anymore. It's all on her, and any decision she makes is not a favor to me or to her dad. It's a decision for her, by her. Then she said I was making her out to be selfish. It's your LIFE! You get to be selfish when making decisions about it. I can't win!

I read an interesting article on NPR earlier this week about brain growth. Turns out, teen brains are not completely grown, and the frontal lobes are not fully connected until mid-20s. It takes longer for them to access the part of the brain that's required for cognitive thinking and decision making. I just have to remember that.

If anything, the past month has reaffirmed my decision not have more kids. I can only imagine handling this in my mid-40s with Chloe. No FREAKIN way will I attempt it in my damn 50s! This uterus is now closed!

ring_pop · March 2010

You're doing good Bec!

BecW2be · March 2010

I've already told her if she's mean to Chloe one more time she won't have a door. I don't giveashit how she treats me, but she can be nice to an 8yr old even it if kills her. Or costs her a door.

temerityjane · March 2010

I had no door for awhile. It was pretty terrible.

Then I just started undressing right in front of the open door.

Then I hung curtains.

Taking the door off was a good move on my parents' part, but I was a teenager, thus diabolical and an assshole. So the effectiveness didn't last too long.

As for the brain development thing, Bec, I've read/heard the same. I constantly remind myself of it when my younger brother is doing something that seems so stupid - I read somewhere that the part of his brain that lets him really work out the potential long term consequences of his actions isn't just being ignored - it's not totally THERE yet. It makes a bit more sense, but it's still painful to watch.

jasmineh7777 · March 2010

Oh Bec, that sucks. I would take sulking in her room over the things she could be doing. (Sneaking out, getting in to trouble). I was a jerk to my parents when I was in high school. My mom and I had some huge fights, but we are very very close now. Just keep doing what you're doing, and she will come around. You are a good mom.

andyandhillary · March 2010

First, Bec, you are a great mom. I'm only 5 years older than your daughter so I remember very well what a little jerkwad I was. Letting her learn is the best thing to do (as long as she is safe, of course

).

As far as school goes, I used to be soooo angry with my parents for not paying for it and what not because my friends' parents did. Now, I'm grateful that they couldn't help because it taught me about money the hard way. I should have studied harder for my ACT so I could get a scholarship my first year in college but I didn't and I got a lot of debt for that year. After that I pulled it together. Sometimes, it just takes time.

baystateapple · March 2010

Oh, Bec, you remind me of my own mother! And I can safely say that she will thank you for this someday, even if she swears she won't right now.

You're raising her right, be proud of yourself.

BecW2be · March 2010

Thanks so much guys. I can't wait until she's 25!

They always say watch out for the quiet ones. Boy howdy they are right!

Stackeye210 · March 2010

Hugs Bec. The blatant disrespect is so hard to deal with. My little brother is good for that, (he's 16) and you just wish they'd realize how easy they've got it.

I know it's really got to be rough on you because you put so much on hold with your new marriage to keep normalcy for her. I'm sure it makes you think it wasn't worth it. But don't second guess yourself.......just keep being strong and she'll come around. She'll really look back on this and appreciate how awesome you were/are.

BecW2be · March 2010

Oh, the day she told me I was just focused on my new life now and it didn't include her was the day I really did lose it. I told her my entire life was focused around her and her school, and that I had put so many things on hold because of her. I told her I didn't regret one second of it, but I did deserve some appreciation and a damn large amount of respect. I told her until she could offer those to me, we really don't have much to say. So we didn't talk for days.

Her latest move was asking the exact date that I started talking to J after her dad left, and she told me this entire family was full of liars and she's sick of being the only one paying for it. I pulled my original email to J, clearly marked well after her dad left. Our first date wasn't until 2.5 months after the email. I told her she was the absolute LAST person who needed to request honesty from anyone, but there it was, just like I've said all along. I also told her I would NEVER defend my lovelife or my decision to move as slowly as I have with J to her or anyone ever again. She'd have to find a new reason to hate me, because she's the only liar in the family and she'll continue to be punished for it as long as she lies.

It's been a hard month.

britne28 · March 2010

You are doing all the right things. It is so hard though. I feel awful everytime I have to take a hard line with the kids. But we do them a disservice if we don't. I hope we never get to the point where doors have to come off but there won't be any computers or TVs in the rooms. I survived without those and so can they.

Stackeye210 · March 2010

Wow. Well just hold on a little longer. The grass is always greener on the other side and I'm sure once she lives with her dad for a short time she'll realize she had it much easier then she thought!

I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned

Re: I'm going to rant on teen drama now. You've been warned

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