Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)

caitlin.cave · May 2011

I'm coming into this a bit late, but I'm sending lots of hugs your way! I had a situation sort of like this too. I was in a long distance relationship for a while, and whenever he came to visit, it seemed like all he wanted was the physical stuff. When stuff started going downhill (because he was cheating, although I didn't know at the time) I started initiating stuff in an effort to keep his interest. It definitely started to feel like a chore, and that's not the way intimacy should feel.

ADTonk · May 2011

Thanks for the kind words ladies. It's amazing how complete strangers can help you so much

Peek- we have had many talks throughout the past few years. When we almost broke up last year, it was like we hit rock bottom. We both talked and cried. Things were on an upward curve and are still better, but it still requires constant work and I think it's still not good enough for either of us.

I never really realized that my age did factor in to it. I was mature for my age so it was a little less ackward that we had such a huge age difference. However, I think that since I was so inexperienced in the relationship/sex department when we got togther, I didn't really understand what the problem was. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. Now that I've matured and grown into a woman, I realized that I'm completely normal.

Lunar, I think you're right that we might not be speaking the same love language. The problem lies in that I've been trying to tell him what my needs are (more affection, romance, etc) and there's almost no follow through. I was willing to settle for what we have when I talked to him in February because I didn't want to lose him.

Right now I'm on the verge of crying and I feel sick.. I know what I want to do, I just know it's going to be VERY hard to do. I do care about him so much. I imagine this would be much easier of a decision if he did something horrible like cheat on me. I think we've both been feeling this way for a while now but neither of us have had the guts to say the final word.

desertsun · May 2011

Tonks, you've gotten some good advice already. I don't have a whole lot to add, but I do think that his actions do not reflect a commitment to you and your well-being.

You really do deserve better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think you should go ahead and save up your money and develop an exit strategy. You don't have to tell BF that's what you're doing, but maybe just telling him that at this point, you're not sure that YOU want to marry HIM. See where that takes you, mentioning all the good points mentioned above about how you deserve better. You should NOT have to fight someone to treat you with basic respect, kindness, and consideration. Give it another couple of months.

Meanwhile, start scrimping and saving, look for people needing roommates in your area, or cheaper places to live, talk to your parents and see if they'd be able to help you financially at all, etc. Look for a second job. See if your current workplace has any employee assistance programs that might be helpful to you, such as counseling or help finding a new place to live. Look into taking some family medical leave if necessary. There ARE solutions to the logistics problems. You always have choices. Now might be the time to prepare yourself to make some hard ones.

Good luck and please keep us updated. We're here for you. *hugs*

lunarsongbird · May 2011

Oy vay. This SO sucks. If it wasn't for the support of the people I love- I would have backed out of a lot of break ups.

My ex certainly wasn't a bad person- we just weren't good for eachother. And once we broke up- I realized that I had no idea how to comfort myself! Ugh. I was desperate for peace.

I went to an accupuncturist who really really helped. I went to a breath work instructor and a massage therapist. I slept with "healing stones" (clicky) and I dove headfirst into meetup.com. It was like opening a new chapter in my life- all this alternative healing was fascinating. I think this is actually something I would like to do with my life in the future. I'm thinking massage therapy.

Who knows- if it wasn't for the break up- I may have never found it.

In regards to living situations- I've seen people who live with others and barter with services such as laundry, cleaning and cooking. I would be totally into that type of arrangement.

And you know what- I'm not going to hold it against you if you can't walk away yet. Your heart will tell you when it's time.

::BIG BIG HUGS::

And flowers...

ADTonk · May 2011

I love the ideas for alternative healing.

I have been starting to think of a plan of action. With a second job, I could easily afford a 1 bedroom apt alone. I would be able to swing it now, though it'd be tight. My head is spinning with all of the decisions that I will need to make, but I know it'll work out for the best.

Thanks for the encouraging words

peekaboo2011 · May 2011

Tonk, if you need anything, PM me at any time. FI and I are close to Philly, and we will do whatever we can to help.

*hugs* You can do this. You're strong and beautiful and you deserve so much better.

lunarsongbird · May 2011

My mom was engaged to a guy- and one day she was on campus, looked down a hallway to see him kissing another woman! OY!

She kicked him out- but totally couldn't afford it! Haha...She clipped lots of coupons, lost lots of weight, and burned a ton of candles- since she didn't want to use too much power. Oh man- did he come back around when she thought he was romancing some other guys with all those candles! LOL

I'm sure glad she didn't get with that guy- because my dad was the real catch!! This is my dad's favorite wedding picture.

ETA: So light those candles, girly! I can even send you a couple! LOL

bethsmiles · May 2011

I know I'm late to this (I have finals today) but I just want to offer you my support and a virtual hug. The ladies here have given you fantastic advice and you seem like a strong woman to have taken it so much to heart. Whatever happens you can make through this, it might be hard but we will be here for you and you might be surprised who in your life will step up to support you too.

Sparrow87 · May 2011

How long would you wait to bring this up again?
I don't think there's a set time line, I think that if you're really not happy, and he really doesn't want to change anything to make you happy anytime soon then it's either time to bring it up again or hit the road. It's sad but you're too young to be thinking about this stuff and not having fun in your relationship, so if he's doing nothing to ease your fears then I'd find someone who is on the same path as you.

At what point do you go to ultimatum mode?
I'm not an ultimatum kind of person, my feeling is that they never turn out the way you hope they will, the bad reaction could either be immediate, or it could end a few years down the line in a divorce.

My advice is to let it be known that you're ready to start talking about settling down and getting things moving but that your not expecting to be married this year. And if he's a good guy and realizes that he's not interested in that he'll let you go on and find someone else.

SKP82 · May 2011

I've been there before and just want to give you a big hug. The other ladies have all said what I would have, so I don't really have anything else to add.

Please keep us updated and take care of yourself.

LADY324 · May 2011

Sorry I am coming into this pretty late. I used to post on this board a lot and just stalk it from time to time. I was in your shoes once and I know that it is so hard to make that choice. If you are saying you will feel relieved once it's over then he is definitely not the one for you. And you are still so young so go out travel the world and have a great time being 24!!!! He will not change and neither will you. You will end up falling in love one day with someone who deserves you!!

GL I know it sucks really bad right now but it will get better!!

skidevil89 · May 2011

I agree with everyone else who is saying that you need to make sure that YOU still want this relationship before you even worry about what he wants.

The only thing that concerns me about your age when you started dating him is that this has been your only adult relationship. I am a firm believer that people need to go through a few serious relationships before they settle down. I'm not saying that if you met the love of your life at 17 that you shouldn't stay with him, but I think going through a few different realtionships helps you learn about yourself and what qualities in a partner you can live with and what qualities you can't live with out. I don't know if I could marry someone who hasn't had their heart broken at least once because I think those experiences teach you a lot and make you appreciate whoever you settle down with even more. But that's just me.

The only other piece of advice that I think everyone should think about before marriage is that you can't change someone. All those little quirks or issues that annoy or bother you are not going to magically disappear when you get married. He is not suddenly going to become more romantic or good in bed when there's a ring on your finger. If you are going to stay with him and eventually marry him then you have to love and accept him exactly as he is now.

Personally I think 7 years is plenty of time for him to know whether he wants to marry you or not, and if he doesn't know by now he probably never will.

joiner521 · May 2011

Stop letting him waste your time. Do not blow another 7 years for nothing.

PolkadotCoffee · May 2011

I don't think you are ready but maybe you are, but I do think in 32, he should be ready for marriage and a 7 year relationship. But it sounds like he is NOT ready to either get married or marry you. I read all of the replies and i really think he's not ready to get married, I also think he told you the proposal is on its way is just a thing he said to calm your nerves. He doesnt really want to get married(hence the not ready part.) It's really up to you if u want to wait for him to be ready/want to get married or you are just gonna leave.
and you should never feel that you cant live up to his expecations. The only expectation you are ever gonna liv up to is your own.
If you still love him then I suggest you should just forget about the marriage issue and go with it. Don't mention about it or hinting it,Better yet, unless he's proposing change the subject when he brings it up. focuse on yourself and find hobbies, get yourself to be happy and get prettier. And if he still doesnt propose in two years then don't marry him. Marry someone else.

And yu really make me feel i'm immature but that's a good thing. I made my boyfriend propose(which i regret it) and this christmas i got my ring(kinda told him to get me a ring) and we are not planning and I mentions about weddings everyday(or so he thought). I really want to get married but he's not ready. So I've decided we'll get married after we worked out our issues so right now I'm not mentioning weddings at all.
We've been dating for 3 years and I'm 22 and he's 23. I think I am a little wedding obsessed, but right now I'm just doing what Isaid in the above and withdrawing from mentioning about weddings to him. He wants to get married for at least another 5 years which kinda sounds reasonable... (I'll be 27.) But ill just focusing on myself in the meantime.

Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)

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