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Black tie optional - Friday night wedding

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Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding

  • Are they published authors?  Has TK given them extensive training on the subject matter?

    Thanks for making me feel NOT crazy! :)

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  • Exactly! They must've written etiquette books we don't know about, or went to etiquette school or something. and the thing is, they can pull up a link to an etiquette rule in no time flat.
  • They must have a copy of Martha Stewart Weddings by their side at all times.
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  • Here's the definition of etiquette:  The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

    So, if you look at our local area as a group, where using Black Tie Optional is customary, doing so would actually follow etiquette.  And if you don't use it, hopefully everyone will know how to dress! 

    Gymchick - I love the idea of using "Formal Reception to Follow". 
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  • OMG I will never post anything on the etiquette board ever again. I did that a few months ago and was attacked non stop for about 2 hours and then I started getting PM messages attacking me. It nearly brought me to tears. Fortunately there were a few nice women who sent me PMs and apologized for the boards behavior. They are insane over there. Don't take it personally. I see nothing wrong with Black Tie optional. Its a suggestion, not a requirement. Yes, people will wear what they want to wear but sometimes people do need to be reminded that weddings are a bit more formal than jeans and loafers, which I recently saw. Its a slipperly slope but I say go for it. Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:92a71349-78ab-466b-baf8-9eefc9e386be">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG I will never post anything on the etiquette board ever again. I did that a few months ago and was attacked non stop for about 2 hours and then I started getting PM messages attacking me. It nearly brought me to tears. Fortunately there were a few nice women who sent me PMs and apologized for the boards behavior. They are insane over there. Don't take it personally. I see nothing wrong with Black Tie optional. Its a suggestion , not a requirement. <strong>Yes, people will wear what they want to wear but sometimes people do need to be reminded that weddings are a bit more formal than jeans and loafers, which I recently saw. Its a slipperly slope but I say go for it. Good luck!
    </strong>Posted by teachergurl2002[/QUOTE]

    Lol this is totally what I am expecting from my uncle whom I never talk to.  I am nervous that my dads family will be underdressed.  But hey they will be the ones to feel awkward when everyone else is dressed up plus I could care less what my guests look like on the day of my wedding.  I am just worrying about having a good time.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:21756413-4893-4cac-85b0-164ac80905a1">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the definition of etiquette:  The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group. So, if you look at our local area as a group, where using Black Tie Optional is customary, doing so would actually follow etiquette.  And if you don't use it, hopefully everyone will know how to dress!  <strong>Gymchick - I love the idea of using "Formal Reception to Follow". 
    </strong>Posted by Giaspo[/QUOTE]

    I did this as well!!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:82f57b54-e9f8-40e9-be66-090c180b7360">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Exactly!<strong> They must've written etiquette books we don't know about, or went to etiquette school or something. and the thing is, they can pull up a link to an etiquette rule in no time flat.
    </strong>Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    When I was attacked I told them "I wonder what Miss Manners would think of your replies" and stated that they could benefit from finishing school.....lol...the PMs really started rolling in after that those comments.
  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:478c6836-7eca-445e-a725-05a5b94ca7a0">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]They must have a copy of Martha Stewart Weddings by their side at all times.
    Posted by LissyM83[/QUOTE]
    <div align="left">
    Oh no! According to them, Martha Stewart writes horrible etiquette and is only in the business to make money. So she gives bad etiqutte advice and that benefits her how?

    I have been over on the E board for the last hour trying to defend this point.
    I have come to the conclusion that those girls are all about forcing their opinions on everybody who doesn't agree with them. It is all about opinions to them and really has nothing to do with the actual rules - unless the rules support their rude opinions.

    I brought up how they treat people rudely when telling them THEY are being rude - and that comment was completely ignored.

    I posted multiple links to wedding etiquette rules -first Martha Stewart - who they basically said is the devil, then some Emily Post, etc.

    Basically, they just interpret the etiquette rules as THEY see fit and apply them accordingly. But when WE try to say that something is customary in our circle - they say NO that is RUDE and BAD ETIQUETTE. They are completely contradictory.

    After I posted something about Emily Post, they said she is outdated and the prefer other experts. But then, when they realized that something Emily Post said backed up something they said, suddenly Emily Post is the end all, be all.

    As a PP here said - etiquette is based on what is customary in your circle and your society. If it is customary in your circle to show up naked at a wedding, then it isn't bad etiquette.

    We cannot possibly apply the same etiquette rules to every society in the world and expect them to make sense and work for everyone.

    I am not about telling brides "it is your day, do what you want". But I'm also not about trying to make EVERY single person happy - because that is impossible. Somebody is always going to be offended by something. You just need to know what you are used to in your circle and hope that people accept what you do.

    ETA: Most importantly - use common sense!! If you think your family members would be horribly offended by something, then of course, don't do it.

    However, if your family members are going to be THAT offended if you put "black tie optional" on your wedding invitation because they think you are assuming they can't dress themselves appropriately - well then, you have a pretty sucky family. Or maybe we're inviting strangers to our weddings so they don't get it?</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:4ca65309-65ac-4885-afc8-319d8b361cdb">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Emily Post says no attire information on invites, with the only possible exception being for black tie. It is the last bullet point: <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-invitations-and-announcements/335-wording-formal-wedding-invitations" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-invitations-and-announcements/335-wording-formal-wedding-invitations</a>
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
    So are you actually from NJ or you just like to post on all the boards?
  • Cindy- made note of it on the E board and will say it again here... you are the best thanks for looking up all the info. 

    Giaspo- great definition.  I was trying to get that across when I said "I am not sure if its a NY/NJ thing or not to put black tie optional...." but then got attacked that only NJ/NY people know how to dress bla bla bla. 

    I also love how they say black tie is whwn you have open bar, white glove, band, etc.  Every NJ wedding I have EVER been to was at that level.  Therefore its customary for NJ people to think, "Oh shes getting married at the Rockleigh.  Gorgeous place (in my opinion lol).  I should make sure I wear a suit and nice dress" as opposed to my in laws who have no clue what the Rockleigh is and could say "Oh I am going to a wedding.  Let me wear the cotton dress and slacks I wore to the last wedding I went to in my backyard"!  Ha I know I am exaggerating but that is my point!!!!!!!!!!! My in laws just don't know! Not bc they are stupid.  But bc it is customary for them to wear jeans to a wedding.  And I dont think its terrible for me to suggest them to wear nicer outfits when I am giving them a very formal event.

    UGH! :)
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  • adamar15adamar15 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:3ad3fc1f-c6ac-457d-b997-1fe9859f9739">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]If anyone wants a laugh, please go to the etiquette board and read my post.  <strong> I really want to send them all here so they get what I am asking!!!</strong> But then this board will blow up too like the other one! I do not want to offend anyone or make them wear anything they don't want to hence, the OPTIONAL as many of you had said.  And I do not think it is wrong for me to want a more formal look at the wedding.  If someone shows up in shorts will I kick them out, of course not.  But that is not the look I am going for which is why I want to put it in the reception card.  Again, appreciate everyone's thoughts!
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    We got what you were asking.  You didn't seem to understand what we were saying.</div>
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  • Did these psychos really follow you over to the NJ Board?

    I can't... asfdckshfhxdkvhklsdhfksjf
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:c839f6b6-0198-489a-8483-72e21a123c91">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding : We got what you were asking.  You didn't seem to understand what we were saying.
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Adamar we can't post here unless we have spilled blood in NJ.

     Hi Cindy last time I checked you can post on any board you would like to since TK is on this amazing thing called the internet.

    No you should not put attire requirements on your invitations. I would think adult would know how to dress for an event. But in case your guests are having issues figuring it out I think you should include an insert that reads Black Tie Optional and make columns of acceptable and unacceptable clothing.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:c8d4d813-b130-4911-91c4-228160f02476">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding : Oh no! According to them, Martha Stewart writes horrible etiquette and is only in the business to make money. So she gives bad etiqutte advice and that benefits her how? I have been over on the E board for the last hour trying to defend this point. I have come to the conclusion that those girls are all about forcing their opinions on everybody who doesn't agree with them. It is all about opinions to them and really has nothing to do with the actual rules - unless the rules support their rude opinions. I brought up how they treat people rudely when telling them THEY are being rude - and that comment was completely ignored. I posted multiple links to wedding etiquette rules -first Martha Stewart - who they basically said is the devil, then some Emily Post, etc. Basically, they just interpret the etiquette rules as THEY see fit and apply them accordingly. But when WE try to say that something is customary in our circle - they say NO that is RUDE and BAD ETIQUETTE. They are completely contradictory. After I posted something about Emily Post, they said she is outdated and the prefer other experts. But then, when they realized that something Emily Post said backed up something they said, suddenly Emily Post is the end all, be all. As a PP here said - etiquette is based on what is customary in your circle and your society. <strong>If it is customary in your circle to show up naked at a wedding, then it isn't bad etiquette. </strong>We cannot possibly apply the same etiquette rules to every society in the world and expect them to make sense and work for everyone. I am not about telling brides "it is your day, do what you want". But I'm also not about trying to make EVERY single person happy - because that is impossible. Somebody is always going to be offended by something. You just need to know what you are used to in your circle and hope that people accept what you do. ETA: Most importantly - use common sense!! If you think your family members would be horribly offended by something, then of course, don't do it. However, if your family members are going to be THAT offended if you put "black tie optional" on your wedding invitation because they think you are assuming they can't dress themselves appropriately - well then, you have a pretty sucky family. Or maybe we're inviting strangers to our weddings so they don't get it?
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    You my friend have a problem distinguising traditions and customs from etiquette. If it's customary for your guests to show up to a wedding naked, then no it's not rude. However, it would be against etiquette of you to put on your invitations that they must come naked to your wedding. Do you see the difference?

    What the poster said about Emily Post was that she was very traditional, but since her kids have taken over, some of the advice is questionable. What you posted (YOU posted it, not anyone else) FROM Emily Post about "Attire should not be put on an invitation. If it's necessary "Black Tie" can be put on there" is the only  consistent thing that was said on E. Yet you seem to still think that doesn't answer the question about attire on invitations.

    Ladies it's not all puppies and rainbows. No one on E claims to be the end all be all source for etiquette. They state what etiquette is, with no interpretation. It was you, Cindy, who came over throwing out interpretations left and right based on the "traditions" of NJ weddings.

    The beauty of etiquette is it isn't defined by a region or "group" it's meant to make social situations comfortable for ALL by following a set of standards. That means tht if I understand etiquette as a guest, and my hosts understand etiquette as a host, no one should be offended by anything that occurs at or prior to an event because we all did what was expected of us based upon etiquette.
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  • Liatris- I am glad it worked out for you.  ButI dont need your help because I am not embarrassed.  The ETIQUETTE board should be embarassed because they are attacking people's intelligence and making jokes.  Nor do I think its appropriate for me to call 100 people on FI side and say "so excited to see you all dolled up".  In addition, my FI agrees with the black tie optional on the invitation.  So now will you say my FI doesn't think his own family will know how to dress?

    Adamar- no one got what I was saying because at least 6 people made inaccurate assumptions that I find my FI family stupid and unable to dress themselves and that I only think NJ weddings are the best.  So no, you did not get what I was saying.  The board made a big joke about NJ being the best. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:c8d4d813-b130-4911-91c4-228160f02476">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding : Oh no! According to them, Martha Stewart writes horrible etiquette and is only in the business to make money.
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly what I was going to say!</div><div>
    </div><div>I went to a wedding this summer whose invites, if I remember correctly, didn't specify attire. It was a church ceremony, with a reception at a nice Shore venue. One couple showed up to the church wearing wrinkled shorts, Yankees tees and flip-flops. At the reception, the woman wore what looked to be a casual sundress. </div><div>
    </div><div>It should go without saying that no one should go to a church wedding looking like a slob. But even if the ceremony was on the beach, it's unacceptable attire.</div><div>
    </div><div>This is why I feel it's important to specify dress code - because while most people aren't morons, some are.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for invites dictating the tone of the event, I really don't think people having a formal event should be restricted to the traditional black-and-white engraving/thermography. We had colorful invitations with a graphic, but since we were concerned that there would be people who'd take that to mean "you can wear khakis and a blazer," we specified "formal attire requested" on our reception cards (we wanted our event to be a step below BTO). We elaborated on our wed-site. And everyone dressed appropriately.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:2975fb64-82f1-48de-8d44-2c68e4d25c31">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Liatris- I am glad it worked out for you.  ButI dont need your help because I am not embarrassed.  The ETIQUETTE board should be embarassed because they are attacking people's intelligence and making jokes.  Nor do I think its appropriate for me to call 100 people on FI side and say "so excited to see you all dolled up".  In addition, my FI agrees with the black tie optional on the invitation.  So now will you say my FI doesn't think his own family will know how to dress? Adamar- no one got what I was saying because at least 6 people made inaccurate assumptions that I find my FI family stupid and unable to dress themselves and that I only think NJ weddings are the best.  So no, you did not get what I was saying.  The board made a big joke about NJ being the best. 
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    Yeah guys,  THERE WILL BE NO JOKES AROUND HERE.
  • Here's the biggest question of all:

    What in the ever loving world does it matter if someone shows up to your wedding under dressed? It will reflect poorly on them, not on you. So why risk possibly offending those that you're inviting that DO know how to dress appropriatly for these few people you may be concerned about?

    And FTR if Uncle Bob wears jeans and a t-shirt to every wedding he's ever been do, putting "black tie optional" on the invite isn't going to change what he's going to wear.
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  • MKRUPAR- you are making it like I am making them dress a certain way.  I wanted to suggest the attire.  That is it!  If they show up in jeans, I wont kick them out.  Nor will I probably even notice like some people said.  I GET IT.  But I dont see the harm in putting it on the invite to let people know its a fancy event. 

    I am throwing a fancy event.  I would like people to dress accordinly.  End of story.

    These posts seriously have to stop.  Everyone has their opinion. 
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  • adamar15adamar15 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:fd6138e9-8da8-4a86-a6d8-e1e0b010438e">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]MKRUPAR- you are making it like I am making them dress a certain way.  I wanted to suggest the attire.  That is it!  If they show up in jeans, I wont kick them out.  Nor will I probably even notice like some people said.  I GET IT.  But I dont see the harm in putting it on the invite to let people know its a fancy event.  <strong>I am throwing a fancy event.  I would like people to dress accordinly.</strong>  End of story. These posts seriously have to stop.  Everyone has their opinion. 
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    Then use a fancy invitation and people will get the idea.  It's really not that complicated.  You don't need to insult their intelligence to get your point across.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:fd6138e9-8da8-4a86-a6d8-e1e0b010438e">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]MKRUPAR- you are making it like I am making them dress a certain way.  I wanted to suggest the attire.  That is it!  <strong>If they show up in jeans, I wont kick them out.  Nor will I probably even notice</strong> like some people said.  I GET IT.  But I dont see the harm in putting it on the invite to let people know its a fancy event.  I am throwing a fancy event.  I would like people to dress accordinly.  End of story. These posts seriously have to stop.  Everyone has their opinion. 
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    So then what does it matter?

    NO - it is not appropriate (according to etiquette) to place a dress code on an invite unless your wedding is truly black (or white) tie or if your venue dictates it (ie: they will be turned away if not dressed accordingly).

    That answers your original question on E. Note: it does not validate what you want, nor was it the response you were looking for... but it is what proper etiquette dictates.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:7caba549-7ebd-4b2a-9769-31e74e34e5e1">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did these psychos really follow you over to the NJ Board? I can't... asfdckshfhxdkvhklsdhfksjf
    Posted by LissyM83[/QUOTE]

    THE PSYCHOS ARE HERE!!!!

    Holy shiit guys.  I didn't know New Jersey was the only place in the entire world that people know how to dress for weddings. 

    Everyone else is a hick. 

    My wedding was in a pond, on a lily, and my guests wore burlap sacks because that's the attire you get up here in the north. 

    FFS.  You guys are something else. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:fd6138e9-8da8-4a86-a6d8-e1e0b010438e">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]MKRUPAR- you are making it like I am making them dress a certain way.  I wanted to suggest the attire.  That is it!  If they show up in jeans, I wont kick them out.  Nor will I probably even notice like some people said.  I GET IT.  But I dont see the harm in putting it on the invite to let people know its a fancy event.  I am throwing a fancy event.  I would like people to dress accordinly.  End of story. These posts seriously have to stop.  Everyone has their opinion. 
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    Ok, so if they show up in jeans, and it won't matter to you, again. Why risk offending the rest of your guests, who do know how to dress appropriately.

    Your guests will know it's a fancy event by it being on a Friday night, seeing a formal invitation, and noting the location of the event. Why do you think people can't put those things together and understand that they should wear more than jeans and a t-shirt?
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  • Nice invitations or fun colorful invitations do not dictate the tone of the wedding.  Like someone just said- they had colorful ones and graphics, etc but the tone of their wedding was fancy.  My invitations are very plain, does that mean my wedding will be plain too?

    I think this has gone far enough.  Like I said on the E-board.... hope everyone has great weddings and joyous marriages.  Happy holidays!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:2b5c4b4e-2dc4-4aee-ac2f-8158744100fa">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Nice invitations or fun colorful invitations do not dictate the tone of the wedding.</strong>  Like someone just said- they had colorful ones and graphics, etc but the tone of their wedding was fancy.  My invitations are very plain, does that mean my wedding will be plain too? I think this has gone far enough.  Like I said on the E-board.... hope everyone has great weddings and joyous marriages.  Happy holidays!
    Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

    Uh, yes they do. 
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  • Jacky, just stop, you're getting yourself in a tizzy, and I mean that in the nicest way ever.  People have different opinions on everything and at the end of the day, and not everyone is going to see eye to eye.  There are a lot of people on these boards who will turn, flip, and approach every topic in a way to go in their favor, in the end, it's not worth getting upset for.
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  • But they invitations are supposed to do that. It was their decision to choose a more graphic invitation for their fancy wedding. It was your choice to choose a plain invitation. If by "plain" you mean white stock with black writing, that to me screams "formal wedding". So looking at your invitation I would know to wear a cocktail dress. But if your invitation said "black tie optional" and I showed up in a gown and my H turned up in a tux and your real intention of putting that on there was to make sure people at least wore suits, then I'd be pissed and feel misled about the formality of the event. Especially if 99% of the rest of the guests showed up in suits.

    That's the point. Black tie optional leaves too much open for interpretation. It's either black tie, or it's not. If it's not you have to trust that your guests will know how to dress without direction from you.
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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:7caba549-7ebd-4b2a-9769-31e74e34e5e1">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did these psychos really follow you over to the NJ Board? I can't... asfdckshfhxdkvhklsdhfksjf
    Posted by LissyM83[/QUOTE]

    Why yes, yes they did. And hopefully our awesome mod will step in soon and put an end to this ridiculousness.

    I am not going to give these people the satisfaction of directly responding to them on my local board that they have clearly invaded, as a means to continue rudely forcing their ridiculous opinions down our throats.

    People's opinions on this entire subject are greatly affected by living in NJ and attending the customary NJ weddings - same as the "cover your plate" rule and other NJ "traditions", if I can call them that. Therefore, we can understand where the OP is coming from with this better than some of the people over on the E board.
    I'm sure there are many customs that people in other states do, that we don't do in NJ - and I would never force my opinion on them - or accuse them of being rude - just because it isn't something that I am used to.

    It seems many people are extremely close minded in their opinions of what is considered rude - and can't fathom it possible that other people don't completely agree with them. When you deem something as RUDE - you are basing that on your OPINION. And many forget, that Rude is different from "inappropriate" or "against etiquette". If etiquette states that you shouldn't put "black tie optional" on your invite, and you do so anyway - that doesn't make you a rude person. It just means you didn't follow that etiquette rule.
     
    I get it that we all don't agree on whether or not this is considered rude - but seeing as the majority of local people strongly disagree with everything being said on the E board - then as I said over there - either all of us NJ girls are completely lacking manners and etiquette, or we just understand that sometimes it will make more people happy/work better to follow our customs/traditions and not carry an etiquette book around in our pockets.

    Again, if a family member actually decided "wow, Sally is an extremely rude person. How dare she put "black tie optional" on the wedding invitation. Now I dont' know what to wear and I'm going to stress out about it for the next 3 months".. then that family member has some other issues they should be dealing with.

    ETA: The formality of an invitation is again based on opinion. What I might find formal, someone else might think is less formal, or vice versa. It is all up to interpretation. I have never once received a wedding invitation - looked at it - and thought "wow, this is going to be a really formal wedding. I better break out my fancy dress". Indicating the suggested attire on the invitation clears up any confusion. Black tie optional is not confusing. You have an option to wear a gown/tux. But don't wear one, and then be pissed that nobody else is dressed up. If you don't want to wear it, then don't. I'd be more pissed if it said "black tie", I wore a gown, but nobody else followed directions.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_black-tie-optional-friday-night-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:d0b2a419-b833-4d28-b39d-d25e60666e57Post:4c476cbc-a32e-490e-9dbe-e8bc5e134a42">Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Black tie optional - Friday night wedding : Why yes, yes they did. And hopefully our awesome mod will step in soon and put an end to this ridiculousness. I am not going to give these people the satisfaction of directly responding to them on my local board that they have clearly invaded, as a means to continue rudely forcing their ridiculous opinions down our throats. <strong>People's opinions on this entire subject are greatly affected by living in NJ and attending the customary NJ weddings - same as the "cover your plate" rule and other NJ "traditions", if I can call them that.</strong> Therefore, we can understand where the OP is coming from with this better than some of the people over on the E board. I'm sure there are many customs that people in other states do, that we don't do in NJ - and I would never force my opinion on them - or accuse them of being rude - just because it isn't something that I am used to. It seems many people are extremely close minded in their opinions of what is considered rude - and can't fathom it possible that other people don't completely agree with them. When you deem something as RUDE - you are basing that on your OPINION. And many forget, that Rude is different from "inappropriate" or "against etiquette". If etiquette states that you shouldn't put "black tie optional" on your invite, and you do so anyway - that doesn't make you a rude person. It just means you didn't follow that etiquette rule.   I get it that we all don't agree on whether or not this is considered rude - but seeing as the majority of local people strongly disagree with everything being said on the E board - then as I said over there - either all of us NJ girls are completely lacking manners and etiquette, or we just understand that sometimes it will make more people happy/work better to follow our customs/traditions and not carry an etiquette book around in our pockets. Again, if a family member actually decided "wow, Sally is an extremely rude person. How dare she put "black tie optional" on the wedding invitation. Now I dont' know what to wear and I'm going to stress out about it for the next 3 months".. then that family member has some other issues they should be dealing with.
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    Wow...again...all about the "customs" and "traditions" when this is an etiquette discussion. Customs/traditions =/= etiquette. Clearly you're missing that point.
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