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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?
Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story:
We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that.
Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.
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Re: Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?
ETA - My wedding was OOT for everyone, we only had nieces and nephews at our wedding. I still had friends and extended family who had kids. They were not invited and it was not an issue for our group.. Not one of our declines came from a person who had kids who were not invited.
[QUOTE]Wanting an adults-only wedding isn't in and of itself "selfish" but not taking into account your FI's and his family's feelings is.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]
This. I get no kids receptions but if it's important to your FI to include them, then I think you should. I mean, do you really want to tell him he can't have the people HE wants to have at his wedding, just because they're younger? The cost thing you can work out in other areas, just as you would for any other VIP guest.
And don't worry about the parents not being able to relax. They'll be able to make that decision themselves. We have 2 nephews (one on each side), and we're pretty sure that FI's brother and SIL aren't going to be bringing their son even though we'd love them to. Also, I consider my friend's two kids my niece and nephew, and would love them there, but, again, they think they'll want the night off so we're leaving it up to them to do what they want. So some of the kids might not show anyway. But better to leave that up to the parents than to assume you know what would relax them most.
We had a "kids area" at our reception. It was a room next to the main reception staffed by two sitters with games, DVDs, kid-friendly snacks, etc. where the kids could escape for bit when they needed a break from "grown up" stuff. We didn't have a single public meltdown or child behaving inappropriately.
Negotiate with your venue: ask them to reduce the bar charge for guests underage or to prepare a smaller entree plate for those under 10.
It boils down to this - they are his family. How would you feel if he wanted you to cut out 15 members of your family that you wanted to invite? Just because they are kids doesn't make them less important.
These people are traveling, and I'm one of those who wouldn't use an unknown sitter at a hotel. Work your budget so these kids can be invited. They are his family and he wants them there. nuff said.
[QUOTE]Agree with PPs. It's not selfish of you to want an adults-only reception but it is selfish of you to dismiss your FI's goals and what would best ensure his family could attend. DH and I have 15 nieces and nephews on his side, and it was clear that not inviting them would make it more difficult for his siblings and their spouses to attend. We had a "kids area" at our reception. It was a room next to the main reception staffed by two sitters with games, DVDs, kid-friendly snacks, etc. where the kids could escape for bit when they needed a break from "grown up" stuff. We didn't have a single public meltdown or child behaving inappropriately. Negotiate with your venue: ask them to reduce the bar charge for guests underage or to prepare a smaller entree plate for those under 10.
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]
<div>Thank you for the sugguestion, that's good one that I'm going to look into. My wording wasn't great, I'm willing to compromise but we just weren't able to come up with any middle ground which is why I asked here. But this suggestion is great and I think it'll go over better, so thank you everyone for your input!</div>
[QUOTE]Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story: We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that. Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.
Posted by airinn147[/QUOTE]
I feel you on the adults-only reception. I feel its much more fun for the parents if they don't have to worry about their kids. My FI's brother has 4 kids; my brothers have 4 kids. We invited them all--and THEY, the parents, said they don't want to bring them if it's not kid friendly.
I can appreciate not wanting a bunch of kids there, but these are your siblings not random friends or 2nd cousins. Personally, my brothers are traveling to Maryland from California and leaving their kids with inlaws. I cuts down on travel expenses AND stress (the 4 kids are all under the age of 5). My FBIL doesn't want to bring the kids to the reception, but wants them there for the wedding. This is THEIR call.
If you're OK with your brothers/sisters not attending, then disclude the kids. Personally, I'd invite everyone with the caveat that your wedding is not "kid friendly" but you are happy to have nieces and nephews there.
Also: remember, this is your FI's wedding, too. It's important to consider his feelings.
It is selfish to think of this as MY wedding and not OUR wedding. You aren't the dictator here so why do you think you get to overrule your FI's desires?
[QUOTE]Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story: We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that. Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.
Posted by airinn147[/QUOTE]
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I personally would let him have his way and I agree with him. I think he is right. His nieces and nephews are important to him and he wants them there. Also, he wants his bros/sisters there, and they might need to decline otherwise if they get no childcare. Leaving kids to go across the coutnry for a weekend is difficult.
Weddings are about celebrating with family and he feels a key part of his family will be excluded from an important day in his life.
I wouldn't dream of getting married without my nieces there. Will they creat a little chaos? Probably, but in the end of the day I prefer that chaos over their absences
Sometimes, kids are the most fun at a wedding as they bring a type of joy that no adult can bring.
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