Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?

airinn147 · January 2013

Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story:

We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that.

Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.

lyndausvi · January 2013

Personally , yes I think you are being selfish. I have 7 nieces and nephews and would have been pissed if my DH suggested I couldn't invite ANY member of my family to my own wedding. Their age is irrelevant IMO.

ETA - My wedding was OOT for everyone, we only had nieces and nephews at our wedding. I still had friends and extended family who had kids. They were not invited and it was not an issue for our group.. Not one of our declines came from a person who had kids who were not invited.

SJM7538 · January 2013

I don't think you're being selfish for wanting an adults only reception. And you are correct.. They are an added cost. Adding 16 people can tack a lot onto your overall cost. However this is clearly important to your fianc that his nieces and Newphews be there so I think if you have it in your budget than you need to invite them. It is your fiancs wedding to. And I know they have lots of time to find accommodations for the kids but if most of the family is going to he traveling for the wedding then they may have limited options for childcare. I definitely wouldn't leave my child with the hotel babysitter I didn't know and I wouldn't want to burden a friend with having to watch my kids for a few days if I was away.

Simply Fated · January 2013

Its perfectly okay to have an adults only wedding, but when the wedding involves traveling, you risk parents opting out if coming. I would never leave my kids with a sitter I didn't know, especially for an entire weekend. And an entire weekend is a lot to ask of someone, anyway. Im not even sure I'd be okay to leave out the kids with anyone for an entire weekend if I was out if state. This is just my thinking, though. You might end up having to compromise with your fianc. To him, the money is worth it. Is there something else you can cut back on? Don't worry about parents relaxing without their kids. You're suggesting leaving their kids in another state for a weekend or with a sitter they don't know in a hotel. Relaxing might be the last thing they'll want to do, depending on the situation.

Jen4948 · January 2013

Wanting an adults-only wedding isn't in and of itself "selfish" but not taking into account your FI's and his family's feelings is. I think some sort of compromise would be in order, where you get some adult time with the adults, but where the children are included in some things as well.

Norabelle26 · January 2013

I don't want kids at mine either and hardly any guests have young children but my family just assumed the kids who do exist are invited. It ended up not being worth tension with my family over what is supposed to be a fun family event, so I caved. It might be worth it to you to do the same, though I definitely get where you're coming from.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-has-13-nieces-and-nephews-but-i-want-an-adult-only-reception-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d9e0c59-f452-483a-89ee-a2baf07d7dd9Post:bf31504b-5fb2-45b6-b3e7-c02ae5fa6428">Re: Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wanting an adults-only wedding isn't in and of itself "selfish" but not taking into account your FI's and his family's feelings is.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

This. I get no kids receptions but if it's important to your FI to include them, then I think you should. I mean, do you really want to tell him he can't have the people HE wants to have at his wedding, just because they're younger? The cost thing you can work out in other areas, just as you would for any other VIP guest.

And don't worry about the parents not being able to relax. They'll be able to make that decision themselves. We have 2 nephews (one on each side), and we're pretty sure that FI's brother and SIL aren't going to be bringing their son even though we'd love them to. Also, I consider my friend's two kids my niece and nephew, and would love them there, but, again, they think they'll want the night off so we're leaving it up to them to do what they want. So some of the kids might not show anyway. But better to leave that up to the parents than to assume you know what would relax them most.

JaxInBlue · January 2013

Agree with PPs. It's not selfish of you to want an adults-only reception but it is selfish of you to dismiss your FI's goals and what would best ensure his family could attend. DH and I have 15 nieces and nephews on his side, and it was clear that not inviting them would make it more difficult for his siblings and their spouses to attend.

We had a "kids area" at our reception. It was a room next to the main reception staffed by two sitters with games, DVDs, kid-friendly snacks, etc. where the kids could escape for bit when they needed a break from "grown up" stuff. We didn't have a single public meltdown or child behaving inappropriately.

Negotiate with your venue: ask them to reduce the bar charge for guests underage or to prepare a smaller entree plate for those under 10.

pHale04 · January 2013

There are a lot of young children in both of our familys. We decided that only the children in the wedding party, and my 10 nieces/nephews were going to be invited. At each of my siblings weddings we always done a full family picture and one of all the kids as some live out of state and we only see them once a year its a great time to get pictures of everyone together. No kid's from FI's family are being invited and he's fine with that, but it was important to me to have my nieces/nephews there. If you want, hire a babysitter for the hotel and if the parents want to use the babysitter at any time during the night they can. If it's important for FI to have them at the wedding, you need to find a way to do that.

kmmssg · January 2013

Agree with everyone else that you are being selfish. Now, don't get me wrong, I am ALL about no kid weddings and I have 6 grandkids. Our last DD to get married had a no kid wedding and we fully supported that. The reason we supported it was because the bride AND the groom wanted it that way. DD's biomom and stepdad were upset, but they weren't paying so they got no say.

It boils down to this - they are his family. How would you feel if he wanted you to cut out 15 members of your family that you wanted to invite? Just because they are kids doesn't make them less important.

These people are traveling, and I'm one of those who wouldn't use an unknown sitter at a hotel. Work your budget so these kids can be invited. They are his family and he wants them there. nuff said.

kabieber · January 2013

I think you are being selfish not because you want an adults only reception, but because you seem totally unwilling to compromise with your fi. You realize making it adults only means that his siblings may not attend? That is probably pretty important to him given that he comes from a large family. You don't have to invite ALL kids -- you can limit it to kids of siblings. We limited ours to kids of family. None of my friends who have kids that are not invited care. Have you already booked your venue? If not, check with venues you look at on the kids price thing. All the venues we looked at had a different price for kids.

Shia · January 2013

This is very rude and selfish. Please invited his neices and nephews. Not including members of his family is simply heartless.

airinn147 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-has-13-nieces-and-nephews-but-i-want-an-adult-only-reception-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d9e0c59-f452-483a-89ee-a2baf07d7dd9Post:1a41e96c-9a94-4c65-876b-676afecc151f">Re: Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with PPs. It's not selfish of you to want an adults-only reception but it is selfish of you to dismiss your FI's goals and what would best ensure his family could attend. DH and I have 15 nieces and nephews on his side, and it was clear that not inviting them would make it more difficult for his siblings and their spouses to attend. We had a "kids area" at our reception. It was a room next to the main reception staffed by two sitters with games, DVDs, kid-friendly snacks, etc. where the kids could escape for bit when they needed a break from "grown up" stuff. We didn't have a single public meltdown or child behaving inappropriately. Negotiate with your venue: ask them to reduce the bar charge for guests underage or to prepare a smaller entree plate for those under 10.
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for the sugguestion, that's good one that I'm going to look into. My wording wasn't great, I'm willing to compromise but we just weren't able to come up with any middle ground which is why I asked here. But this suggestion is great and I think it'll go over better, so thank you everyone for your input!</div>

LizM61409 · January 2013

I've been looking at venues in Northern Va and DC, and almost all of them list a seperate kids price for dinner. Usually in the range of $12-20, some even say kids under a certain age are free if you have a buffet. I doubt this will end up costing as much as you think it will.

jenferian · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-has-13-nieces-and-nephews-but-i-want-an-adult-only-reception-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d9e0c59-f452-483a-89ee-a2baf07d7dd9Post:94fec16b-d2ff-47d7-ae7a-4f68c7f34188">Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story: We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that. Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.
Posted by airinn147[/QUOTE]

I feel you on the adults-only reception. I feel its much more fun for the parents if they don't have to worry about their kids. My FI's brother has 4 kids; my brothers have 4 kids. We invited them all--and THEY, the parents, said they don't want to bring them if it's not kid friendly.

I can appreciate not wanting a bunch of kids there, but these are your siblings not random friends or 2nd cousins. Personally, my brothers are traveling to Maryland from California and leaving their kids with inlaws. I cuts down on travel expenses AND stress (the 4 kids are all under the age of 5). My FBIL doesn't want to bring the kids to the reception, but wants them there for the wedding. This is THEIR call.

If you're OK with your brothers/sisters not attending, then disclude the kids. Personally, I'd invite everyone with the caveat that your wedding is not "kid friendly" but you are happy to have nieces and nephews there.

Also: remember, this is your FI's wedding, too. It's important to consider his feelings.

banana468 · January 2013

It isn't selfish to host an adult event.

It is selfish to think of this as MY wedding and not OUR wedding. You aren't the dictator here so why do you think you get to overrule your FI's desires?

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-has-13-nieces-and-nephews-but-i-want-an-adult-only-reception-am-i-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d9e0c59-f452-483a-89ee-a2baf07d7dd9Post:94fec16b-d2ff-47d7-ae7a-4f68c7f34188">Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, my fiance and I pretty much agree on everything for the wedding but having an adult only reception. I want it adults only, he doesn't but here is the back story: We're getting married in Washington, DC, most of his family lives in Memphis, TN and other areas where they will have to fly to get to the wedding (which is going to be early 2014). He is the youngest of seven kids and he has 13 nieces and nephews the majority who are under the age of 10. He feels that I am being unreasonable and selfish to want to have an adult only reception because it will be a hassle for them to find child care for a weekend, while the parents come to the wedding. I feel that they have plently of time to find accomodations for the kids and most hotels provide babysitters for an evening (I plan on having the reception at a hotel so we can just go upstairs after the reception to avoid having to drive after an open bar). I also have three nieces under the age of four and other famliy and friends with children who it will affect so I'm not singling out his family at all. I find that it is more pleasent for everyone to just to be able to relax for the evening instead of having kids to tend to and cost does come into play as well, kids don't get discounts they are counted as a head also. They are welcome to the wedding but nothing beyond that. Is that unreasonable? Any feedback or suggestions are welcome.
Posted by airinn147[/QUOTE]
<div align="left">
I personally would let him have his way and I agree with him. I think he is right. His nieces and nephews are important to him and he wants them there. Also, he wants his bros/sisters there, and they might need to decline otherwise if they get no childcare. Leaving kids to go across the coutnry for a weekend is difficult.

Weddings are about celebrating with family and he feels a key part of his family will be excluded from an important day in his life.

I wouldn't dream of getting married without my nieces there. Will they creat a little chaos? Probably, but in the end of the day I prefer that chaos over their absences

Sometimes, kids are the most fun at a wedding as they bring a type of joy that no adult can bring.

I
</div>

[Deleted User] · January 2013

You can either embrace them and let the kids be the parents worry or risk a lot of his family not being their because they probably all use each other as sitters. I personally decided to embrace it. Luckily my hall charge 1/2 price for kids 12 & under. I found wedding themed coloring books through oriental trading that come with coloring books. I had those at the church in a kid style wedding theme goodie bag w/fruit snacks & had more of them at the reception. The kids were no issue. The parents did leave earlier then others, but hey, that's the price they pay for bringing the kids. I didn't let it ruin my day one bit. In fact I taught a 9 year cousin how to do the electric slide. She thought it was the coolest thing.

BelleBride13 · January 2013

To combine two ideas previously posted: My aunt and uncle had a kids area at their wedding and also had a babysitter at the reception hall manning that kids area. That way, parents can relax somewhat, but are in the same area, and the kids had a place to go to get away from the adults.

lovesclimbing · January 2013

I do think it is a bit selfish. I would not want to leave my kids under ten with a babysitter out of state for an entire weekend. Also, they are obviously important to him so they should definitely be there. I honestly don't get why people think kids will be a hassle at a wedding. I had at least nine or ten small children under ten at my wedding and they were not a problem.

ladyamanuet · January 2013

I agree with the post about a kids section. And generally you can work out food. Maybe have your day of coordinator run to micdonald's instead of having plated food since the kids probably won't like the fancy food anyway. My cousin's wedding had a separate hotel room nearby with a babysitter that had movies, coloring books, games, snacks, etc. The kids went from the reception to the room freely - some kids stayed in the room, some kids bounced back and forth. Sometimes an extra room isn't feasible so just having a corner of the reception room designated for this works well - ask the hotel for some extra pillows for comfy seating on the floor. Because they had a separate room they were able to order pizza for the kids instead of having to get them plated food, which certainly helped costs (and the kids definitely liked that better). If you can't do a separate room, talk to your vendor about the situation, let them know it's a bunch of young picky eaters, and see if you can work out not having the kids included and getting them outside food or defintely get them a smaller, cheaper plate. The venue should absolutely not be charging you full price for kids under 10.

ralbro · January 2013

I know I'm a little late to this party, but just wanted to offer my 2 cents as a parent.

My BIL and his FI are getting married this year out of state, and H is the best man. I am pretty close with both BIL and FSIL and they are having a kids only reception. Yes, kids are invited to the ceremony but not the reception. I have an 8 year old DD who is close with them as well, but like I said, we're out of state so her just going to the ceremony is not an option. My feelings were pretty hurt, but I get that it is their wedding and they are paying for it. Their concern is primarily cost, since according to MIL they don't want to pay for a plate that the kid isn't going to eat. I did mention to MIL directly that kid's plates are cheaper and typically not the same food as for the adults.

Unfortunately, there's no wiggle room here. FSIL doesn't want to have to invite the kids she teaches to the reception, along with their parents, which WOULD increase the cost significantly. Because of this no kids are invited at all. So now, H and I are going to fly to the wedding and leave DD with her dad that weekend because I'm not wasting money on a plane ticket when she's not invited to the party.

I guess my point is, I agree with a lot of the PP. Parents may or not have someone they feel comfortable leaving their kids with for presumably a whole weekend, regardless of how much time you give them to prepare. This is not a hill I would choose to die on if your FI wants his nieces and nephews there. Kids plates ARE cheaper, and if their parents are going to be there anyway it's not like they'll be running around unchecked.

FWIW, we had kids at our reception and had no issues. A lot of our in town friends chose to leave their kids at home for the night so they could enjoy themselves, but we DID invite them.

36798099 · January 2013

i don't thing you are wrong to not want children at the reception. not all venues offer a reduced price for children. the one we are going with does not, neither is there any negotiating on the 'bar' costs. it is what it is. reception halls do not have 'extra' rooms. to many times i have seen children at receptions where the parents who bring them abandon all responsibility for them at the door and kids run wild destroying the evening for all those around them so that the parents can enjoy themselves. cost is a significant consideration and there is nothing wrong with it having a bearing on your choices. if you can try for compromise, the immediate family children but not those of others? we will be having only 4 children at the reception 3 of whom are in the wedding party. it is the parents job to see that the children are well behaved and kept occupied, not yours. that said, we will be giving a 'goody' bag to the children with a coloring book/crayons, non-messy snack(s) and drink box(s)...perhaps a small toy?

Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?

Re: Fiance has 13 nieces and nephews but I want an adult only reception, am I being selfish?

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