Bachelor Party Woes - Long - XP

meganbouchard · January 2012

Hi ladies,

I'm a lurker around here, and I need some of that awesome advice/insight that only the knot can offer. I posted a vent about the best man about a year ago, people called me out on overreacting and I realized I was being too sensitive. I thought this one out before posting.

Since we chose the WP (there are 5 on FI's side), the best man been throwing around ideas of a bachelor party in Vegas. I laughed it off - we live in Montreal, so it isn't a short trip, and most of the GM (FI's three brothers) have kids and I didn't think they would be willing to put the time and money into a bachelor party that is so extravagant. The other two members, the best man and the fourth GM are students and don't have a big budget.

The BM called me in October to ask me about Vegas. I told him my hoest opinion - I thought it was silly. FI doesn't like going to clubs, he's never been to a strip club and doesn't have the desire to, and we went to Vegas for my 21st birthday and both of us agreed it was overrated. Also, FI's three brothers offered us our wedding photography as a wedding gift, so I thought it was really unfair of the BM to even suggest Vegas. I was also honest in saying that I have anxiety issues and I get nervous when FI is out with his friends in the city here - mostly because his friends are wild (BM gets out of control when he drinks, and the fourth GM has recently been arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct and has a knack for getting into bar fights). I also get nervous because my anxiety always makes me fear the worst case scenario - I'm working on that.

After the October convo with the BM, FI and I agreed that Vegas was out of the picture for several reasons, a) it's not fair that the GM should shell out that kind of money, b) it restricts the amount of people that can participate in the bachelor patry (friends that aren't GM, etc) and c) I'm honestly not 100% comfortable with the idea. So it's settled, they're not going. Right? Wrong.

BM calls me today and tells me Vegas is back on. He has asked the GM to shell out 1500$ each to go. One of FI's brothers flat out refused, the other two said fine, and the fourth GM said ok too. He wanted my permission, but I said I didn't know what to say. I feel as though it's not my place to give permission, but at the same time I am uncomfortable with the idea. That being said, I really don't want to be the one to take this away from them if they really want to go and forever be resented as the bacheor party pooper.

I would appreciate some advice on what to do here. I have already spoken to FI briefly today, and he told me that he wants to go, but he won't go if he thinks it will upset me. However, I made it clear to him in October that I think it's a bad idea, so I don't know what to do with that. Should I be honest with FI and have him decline the trip to Vegas? Is there any way that I can make the BM come back down to earth and see that 1500$ is a ridiculous amount of money to ask people to spend? Or should I just suck it up, tell them to have fun and deal with my anxiety the weekend they're gone?

CN: The best man brought up the idea of a Vegas bachelor party months ago, FI and I decided it wasn't a good idea and I thought it was settled. However, now the BM has gone ahead with the plans for Vegas that obliges the GM to each shell out 1500$ - one GM refused and the rest are ok with it but I am uncomfortable with the idea and I don't know how to handle the situation.

graysquirrel · January 2012

Is your FI being expected to pay the $1500 too? If so, then I think that you have a right to be involved. If you share finances then it is your money too, or will be. If you are uncomfortable with the amount of money involved, I think that you have a right to voice your opinion on it and I would encourage others to be honest as well.

mbody · January 2012

I would stay out of it unless your FI is expected to pay $1500 and, as a couple, you guys can't afford that. Otherwise, let the other men speak for themselves on whether or not they can afford it.

Also, let him go, without guilt, if he chooses. Don't let your anxiety stop him from going on a vacation with his friends. If you don't trust him, then that's a whole other issue that will need to be addressed.

calliopeia2013 · January 2012

I just want to say, my FI was a groomsman in a wedding about a year ago where they did this under what sound like similar circumstances. Most of the GMs felt like it was too much money, the groom and the best man were kinda overinsistent and the GMs felt like they'd get called the party pooper if they didn't go, and then a bunch of stuff went down at some strip club that made several of the GMs even more uncomfortable, and the trip ended up being nearly friendship ending for several of them. My FI's friendship with that particular groom never really recovered.

People resent feeling pressured into big expensive trips--and people also tend to not be on their best behavior in Vegas, which can fray things even more. Even if most of the pressure is really coming from from the BM, it's the groom that ends up getting the blame for the sense of pressure. This is partially because the GMs know that the groom could have turned down the party if he didn't want to go, so they assume he did want to go, and then they assume they have to go for the groom, because he wants them to. This is the groom's business to sort out, though- but if he's asking your opinion, I don't see anything wrong with sharing it.

(I know, btw, that the party line here is that of course people can decline to go on B-party trips if they want to, so you should just do what you want and let people say yes or no. The unfortunate reality is that for some people, as you seem to be finding out, it's really hard to say no. I'm of the opinion that you should absolutely take that into account when planning a B-party trip, or a DW, or anything like that.)

I also really do understand being concerned if some of your FI's friends are irresponsible drinkers, and while I agree with PPs that it's your FI's decision to make, I don't think it's out of line or controlling to talk to your FI about those concerns.

I'm biased, though- aside from the above experience, I also generally hate the idea of bachelor (and bachelorette) parties. I'm also not the sort of person who thinks it's controlling to tell your significant other that something makes you uncomfortable and/or unhappy. I don't think it's out of line to tell your FI that you're uncomfortable with the idea, as long as you're being honest with him and with yourself.

meganbouchard · January 2012

Hi ladies,

I thought that I had responded last night but it seems that TK might have snacked on my post. FI is not required to pay for anything, the 1500$ that the GM and BM are paying will cover his part too.

I spoke to FI and told him my concerns, but I also told him that I trust him (which I do, 100%) and that if it's what he wants to then I will be happy for him. I know it's not up to me to speak up for the other GM, so if they're dumb enough to put the trip on credit and have fights with their wives over it, that's their problem. I'm going to be selfless and be happy for him about this, regardless of my issues with it.

Side note: I just received a dozen red roses at work from FI. Clearly, he really wants to go to Vegas. lol

lenergyrlah · January 2012

I think you should tell BM that it's FI's bachelor party, not yours, so he needs to talk to FI about it. You're not FI's mom, so as you stated in the original post, it's not up to you to give permission.

I really don't understand why you're the one in the middle of this, unless the party is supposed to be a surprise for FI. FI is an adult so he needs to deal with his own groomsmen. Ideally he will be respectful of your feelings and concerns, but it is up to him whether he wants to go, and if he doesn't he needs to be the one to tell BM no.

If the party is a surprise and that's why you've been the one in the middle, I would tell BM (again!) that you don't think FI would like it, and recommend something closer to home.

TiffannieF · January 2012

Side vent: I absolutely hate BM in the making the b-party about themselves.

My BIL (BM) REALLY wanted to to have the b-party at a strip bar, but DH REALLY hates strip joints (he actually thinks its degrading to MEN, as it shows what kind of idiots they are, lol). In any case, I thought it was pretty selfish of BIL to force it on my H just because BIL wanted to go. WTF, if you want to go watch a girl dance naked then go you don't need to use a b-party as an excuse. I guess BIL's wife found out his intentions and gave him a bunch of business so they had my H's "dream" b-party which was steak and lobster followed by a hockey game.

supertoaster82 · January 2012

OP, you remind me a lot of myself

I also have some anxiety issues, and there have definitely been times in the past when I've gotten very anxious when FI is out with certain friends. I'm ALWAYS fearing the worst case scenario. I've gotten a lot better, but it is a constant struggle and I do still have to make a concious effort usually to not get upset/anxious about certain things.

All that said, my FI had a Vegas bachelor party. His best man had seriously been talking about going to Vegas for the bachelor party before we were even engaged, so I at least knew it was coming once FI popped the question

Although we are closer and flights aren't as expensive (we're in Northern California), I know it was still an expensive trip for the guys (they also split the cost and paid for FI's hotel and flight). Although I wasn't crazy about the idea, I know how much FI loves Vegas, and I knew he'd love a trip there with the guys. A few things that kept me sane while he was gone:

1. I kept myself busy. I think I worked 3 out of the 4 days he was gone, I spent time with my mom, I went shopping with a friend.

2. I knew they didn't have a whole lot of money to begin with, so I knew after spending money on hotel and flights, they wouldn't have as much money to spend getting themselves into trouble.

3. I realized that my FI rarely/never gets himself into trouble, even when he does have money.

4. FI called or texted me everyday while he was gone. I didn't ask him to do this, but I'm glad he did. It really helped me to have the daily "check-in" and know that he was "okay."

5. They went about six weeks before the actual wedding, not just days before, so I knew I wouldn't be stressing about random wedding stuff and needing FI around to help me with stuff.

6. The most important one - I really do trust him, and I know he loves me and really wants to marry me, and that he knows if he did anything illegal or stupid, he would be jeopordizing that. We had an open discussion before he left about boundaries (i.e., I was okay with him going to strip clubs, not okay with lapdances, etc.) and then I just had to trust that he wasn't going to lie to me. And, as far as I know, he didn't. And he came home in one piece

I hope maybe this helps a little. I agree that you can't really say anything about the cost, since your FI isn't paying for anything. Hope you guys can work something out, it sounds like he really wants to go. Part of what made it worth it to me was the day he was leaving, FI told me how grateful he was that he was getting to go, because he knew a lot of people's GFs/FIs/wives would never let them do a trip like this with the guys. He told me how "cool" I was for "letting" him go. Something about FI saying I'm cool just made me feel really "cool," haha

Meegles4 · January 2012

I agree with PPs and with Toaster's advice. My FI is leaving for his Vegas bachelor party in about 6 weeks. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's his party -- he gets to do what he wants. Same for your FI. If he wants to go to Vegas, he gets to go to Vegas. If he's OK with the amount of money people are spending in general and on him to make this trip, then that's that.

To avoid anxiety, I'd keep busy while he's gone. Maybe have your bachelorette party the same weekend or some other girl's night?

Regarding boundaries, I agree that you should talk to him about what you are/aren't comfortable with, but I also know that if I say no lap dances and then they get there and FI's idiot friend buys him a lap dance, he's not going to say no.

You have to accept that while you and FI may discuss these things, his friends are likely not privvy to your relationship and they're going to have fun and give the guy a "send off" however they feel like they should and that may not be in line with what you'd prefer. If you felt comfortable talking to the BM or another party-goer and expressing some of your boundaries, I might suggest that. But, I know if I did that with my FI's friends, I'd likely be met with an eye roll and be seen as the whiny fiance.

Bottom line, you have to trust both him and his friends. That they won't do anything stupid or make your FI do something stupid. And that your FI will know a limit if/when he sees it and won't go past it.

meganbouchard · January 2012

Thank you all so much for your insight and advice! FI set his boundaries with the BM and the party is two months before the wedding so I'm not worried about that. I will keep busy the weekend of the party - I'll just have to trust that none of the GM would be willing to put him in a situation he doesn't want to be in.

I really appreciate the support, you all helped make this an easier situation

supertoaster82 · January 2012

Glad it sounds like you're working it all out! I also wanted to add, I decided not to rewatch "The Hangover" and "Very Bad Things" in the months leading up to his bachelor party, because I know movies like those put all the worst case scenario ideas in my head! Don't know if you're the same way, but if you are, stay away from any movies about wild bachelor parties in Vegas! Haha!

sweetcanadian1979 · January 2012

Tell your fiance do NOT put down a credit card at any "club", nor let his bm do the same, they can charge ridiculous amounts of things (lap dances that you think are included) have you sign it when you are completely drunk n think you see 20 when it is 2000 etc, do not accept bottles of champagne either, they can cost a pretty penny.

My fiance would never go to vegas, nor would he set foot in a strip club, he knows i think it is extremely disrespectful to go look at a naked woman then come home to my bed expecting to marry me. As soon as a stripper finds out it is a bachelor party they go overboard. I have heard numerous horror stories, even with respectable grooms, who happened to be too drunk to realise what was up. He also would not be comfortable with me going to see strippers either so that is our boundries.

I would seriously discuss what your boundries are for the trip. One bride found out later the bm purchased a lap dance for her groom. He declined it & gave it to someone else, but that was so disrespectful to begin with & her husband never told her about it, she found out months later, not a good start to a marriage.

autumnrainn24 · January 2012

if hes having a boys weekend then sounds to me like you get to have a girls weekend too!! id be uncomfortable with it for a few minutes but honestly.. and i probably sound rotten.. but for the reason that id be home with the kids while he was in vegas lol (love my kids but a weekend away sounds kinda fun!) but if i knew that i had a fun weekend with my ladies the next weekend.. that would be pretty cool. as nice as it is to be able to spend time together.. some time apart to miss each other and bond with your friends is nice too

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