Personal Attendant

belleubrt · January 2012

I asked a friend of mine if she would be my personal attendant. She agreed, now 4 months later, she started dating this guy and has not spoken to me. I'm not sure what to do about having her be my personal attendant anymore. I don't feel close to her anymore now that she is dating this guy. I hoped he would be a phase, but they are planning on getting married in May. Would it be wrong for me to ask someone else. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she won't respond to me.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

What's a personal attendant?

lbarr088 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:ad6dc772-7a9c-4324-8748-f49edc251d2c">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]What's a personal attendant?
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. Does personal attendant = your only BM?</div>

achiduck · January 2012

You really don't need a personal attendant - this is a crap job that is often given to friends who aren't chosen to be in the wedding party. You MOH should be able to help you bustle your dress, etc.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

Well honestly, the job description of a PA is to help you on your actual wedding day. Since it's not yourw edding day, I wouldn't worry about it. She's probably just really busy.

I don't get the whole party line of personal attendants being bad. For some situations it is offensive, but a lot of people would love doing something like that. And in some areas/circles, it's more common and acceptable.

ahhhitsshannyn · January 2012

Personal attendant is your errand girl for the day. Just invite her and her boyfriend as a guest. You don't need a personal attendant at all.

lbarr088 · January 2012

Ahhh, I get it now, thanks Chels. I also don't see anything wrong with it if someone wants to do it. Maybe people don't like the actual "title," even though I'm not sure what else you could call it. It just sort of sounds like being someone's biatch (which I guess essentially it is

).

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

I have a personal attendant, and for me, her designation on the day is to help me with little details and get on the phone with vendors if need be. She and I have drifted a little since she moved to NY last summer, but the reason I wanted her to do this is because she knows how to get on a phone or deal with problems in the same manner that I would, so I trust her to do this stuff on a day I can't!

I don't know if it's ever appropriate to ask someone not to be in your party anymore, but I would start with contacting her and starting a conversation about your wedding-see where it goes and go from there. If you think there is an elegant way of telling her that you don't need her help that day, and you aren't worried about hurt feelings then you could do that. However, you can also downplay her role on the day and just ignore it maybe?

aragx6 · January 2012

I've lived in four cities in the midwest and been to weddings in them all and hadn't heard of a PA until I came to these boards, so I think it's a little bit reaching to call it a Midwestern tradition.

I have someone to call vendors and attend to small details on my wedding day, too. She's called a day-of coordinator and I'm paying her $550 for the "honor."

That said, if someone offers to do it, I don't see a major issue with it, but if you don't want this girl to do it anymore, then just tell her you'd be happy to have her, and her bf, there as simply guests.

LetsHikeToday · January 2012

I would find calling my friend, my personal assistant really uncomfortable.

Have you tried talking to her about things other than your wedding? Have you tried to make plans with her just to hang out?

mbody · January 2012

I've lived in the midwest my entire life and have been a part of numerous weddings and never have I ever heard of designating someone as a "personal attendant." Sounds like a bride's b*tch to me and doesn't seem like an honorary title. I think it would be better to have that person as a guest. They wil enjoy themselves more.

I'd call your friend and talk to her about life. This sounds like a friendship issue, not a personal attendant issue. Plus it sounds like she is just living her life, it's not the day of your wedding so she doesn't have to be at your beck and call yet.

pgcp · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:9336f084-ce97-41cc-b4de-f2696cb7e9f5">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I've lived in four cities in the midwest and been to weddings in them all and hadn't heard of a PA until I came to these boards, so I think it's a little bit reaching to call it a Midwestern tradition. I have someone to call vendors and attend to small details on my wedding day, too. She's called a day-of coordinator and I'm paying her $550 for the "honor." That said, if someone offers to do it, I don't see a major issue with it, but if you don't want this girl to do it anymore, then just tell her you'd be happy to have her, and her bf, there as simply guests.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
Thumbs up! I've only seen a PA once, and the bride was from New Jersey. I and the other bridesmaids were actually insulted that she was relying on the PA for everything. She dressed in another room, had lunch, road in the limo, etc. with the PA and we pretty much didn't see her all day. It was really weird. But them again the entire wedding was weird.

graysquirrel · January 2012

Friendship works two ways. If she has not called you and you are sad about that, why not call her? She isn't your employee, she is your friend. Just becasue you are getting married and she has agreed to be involved on your wedding day doesn't mean that she needs to check in with you regarding wedding stuff.

I would also let the matter of her boyfriend slide. So he isn't your cup of tea. As long as he isn't abusive or something, I'd stay out of it. Her dating a guy you don't like doesn't have anything to do with being your PA.

sharp0099 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:fe8e0193-f57c-4fc8-ab95-5b15c6b7b2ba">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to think that about the personal attendant thing, but then some posters, a few of them regs, said, "Yes, it's a thing, we do it, no one thinks it's a bitch job," so I got over that. In my family we walk around with a bag and collect envelopes from guests. I'm not doing it, but that's how generations of Eagles have done it. No one would bat an eye if I strolled around plucking cash filled envelopes from people's hands. OP, talk to your friend.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Great advice about talking to her and not brining it up the next time you talk. She already agreed so once it gets closer to the date, take her out for lunch, let her know how much you appreciate her role and remind her about why you choose her. I'd personally get her a gift like your BMs are receiving. I'd also get her a corsage. Plus I'd make sure she was thanked publicly during the reception, since she's your friend doing the job.

achiduck · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:6f7e0dc2-96ec-40b9-9fc2-132e8779c82f">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a personal attendant, and for me, her designation on the day is to help me with little details and get on the phone with vendors if need be. Posted by SaraElizabeth7[/QUOTE]

I hired a DOC to do this for me. I want my friends to be able to enjoy the day.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

I'd almost rather be a personal attendant than a bridesmaid. At least then I get to wear my own dress, not have to get my hair all done and I get to hang out very close to the bride all day.

professorscience · January 2012

Is the guy like bad news or something? I wouldn't be too worried unless you were like, a week out and hadn't heard from her at all.

I guess I just don't understand how any of this interferes with her ability to be your PA.

RaptorSLH · January 2012

[QUOTE]I have a personal attendant, and for me, her designation on the day is to help me with little details and get on the phone with vendors if need be.
Posted by SaraElizabeth7[/QUOTE] <div>That's what they have day-of coordinators for. Tradition or not, if the position is going to stop one of your friends from enjoying your wedding and celebrating with you, it's a BAD IDEA. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] I'd almost rather be a personal attendant than a bridesmaid. At least then I get to wear my own dress, not have to get my hair all done and get to hang out very close to the bride all day. [/QUOTE]</div><div>The personal attendants I've heard about did have to buy a bridesmaid dress, did get their hair professionally done, and spent little time with the bride and wedding party because they were running errands and fixing things all day. </div><div><div>
</div></div>

calibud8 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:9b4c18d0-4cbe-486d-9930-d20de79d527a">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd almost rather be a personal attendant than a bridesmaid. At least then I get to wear my own dress, not have to get my hair all done and I get to hang out very close to the bride all day.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I have a personal attendant for this reason. She wasn't comfortable being "in the spotlight" by walking down the aisle, and she couldn't afford the dress (nor would she accept my offer to pay for it). This way she gets to be part of the wedding party and still be comfortable.

She'll be seated at the king's table with the rest of the group. the only difference is she doesn't wear a matchinig dress. Her job duties, as she calls it, is to keep the bride full of tequila :)

To address some of the other comments, I'm from the midwest, and these are at every wedding I've been to. Of course, they typically don't get the b!tch jobs. The worst thing I've ever had to do as a PA is to help pin flowers.

rlavach · January 2012

I'm guessing this is like the 'lady in waiting' job that they always have on My Fair Wedding? It would be nice in that type of situation, like if you were paying for it, but I don't think I'd ask a friend to do that. I know I certainly wouldn't accept that job offer!

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

I've never been a personal attendant but yes, I had one. She fucking rocked.

Raptor, whoever made their personal attendant buy a bridesmaids dress, get her hair done, and spent no time with her was obviously a complete idiot and did it entirely wrong.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

Frankly, my personal attendant is excited about her role in the wedding, and I have friends who have been personal attendants and enjoyed it because they didn't have to wear a bridesmaids dress (most don't that I've seen, nor do they get their hair/makeup done) but got to participate in all of the festivities such as being with the wedding party all day and enjoying the fun.

I will only ask my attendant to make a phone call if I'm worried about something, and I will probably have her help with distributing bouquets. My PA is not going to be "my bitch" or the "errand girl" of the day. She is there to support me and keep me going, and not to run the day and be a taskmaster, so maybe I should have been more clear on that. I have a separate wedding hostess and coordinator for both ceremony and reception. My PA isn't able to devote the time at showers and pre-wedding parties because of her location so this was a way she could be a part of my day without the commitment that a bridesmaid has. She will have a small floral nosegay bouquet and will be ushered down the aisle to sit in a place of prominance at the ceremony.

I'm also from the midwest, and haven't been to a wedding without a PA or even two. I think going back to the OP, re-connect and see what happens.

Wiscisbliss · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:4d4d2f54-9f8f-42de-895e-f5f903b765b8">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never been a personal attendant but yes, I had one. She fucking rocked. <strong>Raptor, whoever made their personal attendant buy a bridesmaids dress, get her hair done, and spent no time with her was obviously a complete idiot and did it entirely wrong.</strong>
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Yep. I had a personal attendant as well. My BFF from high school asked to do it. She loves stuff like that. In MN it really isn't a crap job, and it isn't really being the brides biotch.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

I never needed anyone to call my vendors on my wedding day. I'd talked to them all ad nauseum in the days leading up to the wedding. I can't think of any reason I'd have to talk to them the day of and if I did, I wouldn't have had my personal attendant do it. She didn't plan my wedding and wouldn't be familiar with any of my vendors. You'd bet your ass my mom would be on the phone, not my personal attendant.

I asked a really good friend of mine who basically wants to plan weddings for a living to be my personal attendant. She knows more about wedding crap than I ever will, so I didn't really tell her what to do. She just showed up ready for any possible situation that she thought might arise. She had a sewing kit, portable toothbrush/toothpaste, mints, hair spray, ibuprofen, feminine wipes, tampons, clear nail polish, safety pins, bobby pins, extra deoderant, just fucking anything. I wouldn't have thought to bring most of that stuff, but she did. She helped my mom bustle my dress after the wedding and the only thing I ever really asked her to do was to run and quick get my clutch, which was down in the bridal suite and I'd forgotten it. I needed more lip gloss during pictures.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:4bb12728-7ae5-4608-b355-2c5b4df2b41d">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]I never needed anyone to call my vendors on my wedding day. I'd talked to them all ad nauseum in the days leading up to the wedding. I can't think of any reason I'd have to talk to them the day of and if I did, I wouldn't have had my personal attendant do it. She didn't plan my wedding and wouldn't be familiar with any of my vendors.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>Good to know, I'm sure that will be the case here, but that's just what I've imagined her doing if she had to do sometihng. </div>

ceh789 · January 2012

I've been a PA for a friend who didn't have attendants and for my sister (being the PA was my counteroffer when she asked if I wanted to be a BM, I did not). I didn't feel like my enjoyment of either event was diminished by my role and was thrilled to help.

Yes, it is a bit like being a DOC at times - helping tie ties, pin corsages, herding people to get to where they need to be and running an errand or two - but I also helped the bride get dressed and use the bathroom, chatted with the bride, WP and moms while they waited on hair and make up, had a fantastic dinner with the other guests and danced up a storm. Oh - I also took the card box home for them. I hardly felt like the "bride's b*tch" and I certainly didn't feel like I had worked all day.

RaptorSLH · January 2012

Then I'm glad to hear there's a right way to do it. Still not something I'm comfortable with, but when multiple people tell me that the horror stores are statistical outliers, it's time to listen.

Simply Fated · January 2012

So, it's basically like a free DOC?

beckyboo27 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:dd09c32d-66aa-4961-9c84-7b080534589a">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys, a personal attendant is a legit position in a lot of circles, especially in the midwest. Let's focus. Edit: Ugh, I posted too fast. Anyway, just let it ride for a bit and see what happens with the friendship. Has she just distanced herself overall?
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Aww, come on now. I live in the midwest and the people in my circle don't have "personal attendants." When I think of personal attendants, I think of those little errand girls that run around, doing things for celebs. There aren't any celebrities in my neck of the woods.</div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f914d21f-0c8f-4ee0-8170-549cb67af024Post:b0a1704b-7ccb-4ef1-9139-3998a7689b69">Re: Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]So, it's basically like a free DOC?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

My coordinator conducted our rehearsal and if anyone had any questions about where to go or where to stand or what to do, she instructed them to not bother me with it and go straight to her. She kept the wedding (ceremony) running smoothly. My PA just stuck close to me.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

I don't see a PA as a free DOC at all, specifically my PA. I can see how some people would think that, but she will not be coordinating people and running around like crazy. I am sure there are brides who have a PA that is like a DOC. I have separate coordinators from my PA.

To me this is a matter of personal opinion and that's it lol. And somehow, none of this has to do with the OP!

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