My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.

emilysherman06 · October 2012

I'm trying not to sound like a Bridezilla. In fact, I've been exceedingly careful to make sure that my bridal party understands that I'm pretty chill about everything - haven't had any "rules" and haven't had any requirements or special requests other than that they are available to show up for the wedding in the dress that I purchased for them and stay in the hotel I am paying for.

But my MOH is really adding to my stress. She is my best friend from childhood, college, and now we both work together at the same company and in the same department...so we see each other 24/7. 8 months ago she broke up with her long term boyfriend and I helped her through every step of the way when she found out he was cheating on her. But she says that my wedding is now making her depressed. And she posts all these anti-wedding things on facebook like "I hate it how all my friends are engaged" and she ditches any get togethers I've hosted for the bridesmaids. She let my FMIL plan the entire bridal shower and she didn't contribute anything to it.

25 days to go until the big day and I've been talking constantly about how I am swamped. Most of the wedding stuff I am doing by hand - and she's really crafty too, and told me over a month ago that she would come by my house and help me out. I haven't been looking for her to bend over backwards or be a crafting slave for my wedding, but I haven't gotten even a moment of her help. And now she says she can't make it to the bridesmaid tea that I'm hosting the day before the wedding because she took too many personal days off of work lately. I try so hard not to talk about the wedding 24/7, but any time I try to ask her for a suggestion or vent, she cuts me off and starts talking about how she misses her ex and the wedding makes her sad. It's realy not fair and I don't know the best way to handle this situation.

Help

maggieandrey · October 2012

Weddings suck for single people, I have a couple single girl friends who have told me they'll come to the ceremony but not the reception because it's just so painful. If she doesn't want to do all these other wedding-y things you really can't blame her for that. It sound like it's even worse since you see her all the time.

She's your MOH, her only obligation is to show up on your wedding day stand up for you. See if your other bridal party members will help out if you feel like you're swamped.

princess pop · October 2012

I got divorced about 5 years ago and I was pretty depressed for a while. My cousin is one of my best friends, but I can see now in hindsight that I really wasn't there for her when it came to planning her wedding or being excited with her. The day of I was just trying to keep my cool. I feel bad now, but it really couldn't be helped then.

I can see both sides of this...I definitely see why you are frustrated about her not coming to the tea the day before, but as PP said, she is obviously feeling pretty bad. Get help and support from your other BMs and family and just be happy that she will be there for you the day of.

daubachsgirl23 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_my-moh-says-my-wedding-is-making-her-depressed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7051593f-a898-4765-945a-bff3de1eb36cPost:627f47ac-9860-40e4-948d-24e4af03e5b4">Re: My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like your friend really needs a friend right now, not a wedding obsessed bride-to-be. She's not required to go to your tea or any other events you've hosted for your BM's (not even sure what that would be). Put yourself in her shoes: Would you want to hear all about wedding, wedding, wedding? Probably not. I seriously wouldn't talk about anything wedding related with her. Talk about your wedding with your FI or your mom, not someone who is going through a difficult time.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

This. I know your wedding is close and it is getting stressful, but if you're constantly discussing the wedding and how swamped you are, it's probably really frustrating for your MOH. Not only is she dealing with the loss of a relationship that was obviously very important to her, she might find herself being confronted with "what could have been." You should stop talking to her about the wedding. Let her take a breather and be there for her as a friend, not a bride.

ETA: clarity

mcda04 · October 2012

Your post is very contradictory. In the first paragraph you stated “I haven't had any "rules" and haven't had any requirements or special requests other than that they are available to show up for the wedding in the dress that I purchased for them and stay in the hotel I am paying for”.

And then you go on and on about how they’re not doing enough for you.

Your friend is in need of emotional support and understandably so. If you’re so busy, have your FI help you. They’re not responsible for showing up to a “party” you planned to probably discuss wedding and be forced to take time off of work.

Who’s not being fair again?

Simply Fated · October 2012

Dude, she made it clear to you that your wedding is depressing her and you are still nagging her about wedding crap. Bridesmaids tea, bridal party get togethers, VENTING? Why would you vent to her about your wedding issues when you know it upsets her?
Vent to your other friends. Ask them for suggestions. And make sure your friend is okay, because if she is depressed, she needs a friend, not a bride.

annamario1013 · October 2012

just take a deep breath and a step back..do u have other bm to help? i see both sides here...this is your wedding and she can help out regardless of what is goin on , and on the other hand she is feeling depressed over her situation not yours...she cant make u feel guilty bec u are getting married ...just give her a little breather and try to seek out your other girls to help.

Jessie42613 · October 2012

I'm on the OP's side here, if in fact she really has been the reasonable bride to be she says she's been. It does not at all sound like she's "wedding obsessed" more than any other bride and the last few replies are a little unfair. The MOH broke up with her boyfriend back in February. Yes breakups suck but weddings are a part of life and supposedly she and the OP are best friends. Girl needs to pull herself together. She didn't lose her husband to cancer or an accident, she broke up with her loser, cheating boyfriend and I find it pretty sad that she's blowing off everything wedding related because of it. I almost feel that there's more going on over on her end and she's just using the painful breakup excuse. OP my advice to you for now is to enlist your FI and your mom to help you with the crafty things and just give your MOH plenty of space. She clearly doesn't want to participate in wedding things right now and she probably doesn't want to talk about it either. I'd try to bring it up after the wedding. See if she's willing to talk about how she's managing because I'm sorry, but if she's still practically paralyzed with grief 9 months after a breakup, she may need to talk to a therapist.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

I would stop all wedding talks with MOH for now unless they are absoloutely necessary. Don't talk to her about any of the stuff that doesn't directly pertain to her; asking about any official BM get togethers or day-of stuff is fine, just get to the point. Don't vent to her about wedding stuff, or anything for that matter, she can't handle it right now.

It sucks because you hope she'd be there for you like you were for her, but she will be there for you again at some point, she just needs some "her-time" KWIM? Let the BM tea go, the shower go, the help go. It's not worth jeapordizing your friendship over. Enlist FI, mom, MIL and other BM's to help with the DIY if they so CHOOSE (don't make them, but it's ok to ask for help, provided you supply the wine and munchies).

Why don't you invite her out to eat one night. Just the two of you. No wedding talk, and talk about HER and what's bugging HER. What about the ex does she miss? etc. She needs some attention, and if you ladies are BFFs, give her some!

meggiemo · October 2012

Honestly, I'm on your side with this. I think every bride has different expectations of her MOH/BMs. My MOH is making a card box. My bridesmaids will be helping with table decor. I asked them to be a part of my wedding because I knew they would support me through my entire marriage and they would help me in the days leading up to the wedding. In my family, bridesmaids help. It's not just a 1 day responsibility, but I understand they aren't slaves. My expectations are fair and reasonable. I imagine it must be hard to be so excited when your friend is so depressed, but friendship is a 2 way street. She doesn't have to be excited for your wedding, but you also don't have to be depressed because of a break up that happened 8 months ago. It is completely unfair for someone to tell you to stop talking about your wedding and be there for her when she won't stop talking about her breakup to be there for you! You (hopefully) only get married once. She either needs to stand up and be true to her word to help you or step down and left someone else take over.

annamario1013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_my-moh-says-my-wedding-is-making-her-depressed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7051593f-a898-4765-945a-bff3de1eb36cPost:fe63514a-6324-4437-ab3d-054fbd27d37f">Re:My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm on the OP's side here, if in fact she really has been the reasonable bride to be she says she's been. It does not at all sound like she's "wedding obsessed" more than any other bride and the last few replies are a little unfair. The MOH broke up with her boyfriend back in February. Yes breakups suck but weddings are a part of life and supposedly she and the OP are best friends. Girl needs to pull herself together. She didn't lose her husband to cancer or an accident, she broke up with her loser, cheating boyfriend and I find it pretty sad that she's blowing off everything wedding related because of it. I almost feel that there's more going on over on her end and she's just using the painful breakup excuse. OP my advice to you for now is to enlist your FI and your mom to help you with the crafty things and just give your MOH plenty of space. She clearly doesn't want to participate in wedding things right now and she probably doesn't want to talk about it either. I'd try to bring it up after the wedding. See if she's willing to talk about how she's managing because I'm sorry, but if she's still practically paralyzed with grief 9 months after a breakup, she may need to talk to a therapist.
Posted by Jessie42613[/QUOTE

I AGREEE!! UR MOH NEEDS TO GET A HOLD OF HERSELF AND JUST DO THE BEST U CAN WITHOUT HER

annamario1013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_my-moh-says-my-wedding-is-making-her-depressed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7051593f-a898-4765-945a-bff3de1eb36cPost:e98efedb-34fa-4dc0-bf19-0386235caaf7">Re: My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I'm on your side with this. I think every bride has different expectations of her MOH/BMs. My MOH is making a card box. My bridesmaids will be helping with table decor. I asked them to be a part of my wedding because I knew they would support me through my entire marriage and they would help me in the days leading up to the wedding. In my family, bridesmaids help. It's not just a 1 day responsibility, but I understand they aren't slaves. My expectations are fair and reasonable. I imagine it must be hard to be so excited when your friend is so depressed, but friendship is a 2 way street. She doesn't have to be excited for your wedding, but you also don't have to be depressed because of a break up that happened 8 months ago. It is completely unfair for someone to tell you to stop talking about your wedding and be there for her when she won't stop talking about her breakup to be there for you! You (hopefully) only get married once. She either needs to stand up and be true to her word to help you or step down and left someone else take over.
Posted by meggiemo[/QUOTE]

I AGREE WITH THIS!

kay136 · October 2012

This is a tough situation. I am in one of a similar kind. My MOH is actually with someone but she wanted to get married and have kids years ago. Granted her and her current BF have only been together for a year. My FI and I have been together for 6 years. She only stayed at my engagement party for an hour because "everyone was engaged, married, or pregnant." Thing she lives across the country from me and I was in her neck of the woods for the engagement party. I hadn't seen her in 8 months. It was really more of a hang out with everyone while we are back rather than an engagement party. The engagement party part consisted of a few pictures of the FI and I. I can get that it's hard to celebrate something with someone when you want those things for yourself.

I don't want to agree with the PP that say you shouldn't talk about wedding related things with her because this is an exciting time in your life that you want to share with your best friends. However, I have found myself talking less and less about the wedding because I do care about her and don't want to be shoving it down her throat. When I say less and less I mean I used to say 5 sentences about it every other week. Now I say once sentence about it a month. I never do wedding overload on anyone. There are people that get a lot of wedding talk but those are the ones that ask alot of questions. Sigh. I am def a type A personality that likes to talk everything out but I don't talk about how I feel about this with her because people are right about the fact that her only duty is to show up in the dress so if that's all she feels she can handle than I have to respect that.

Good luck with your situation. I suspect that it probably won't change and you will just have to deal. I do honestly believe that she wants to be happy for you she is just at a hard place in her life.

BrookeLee2012 · October 2012

thank you very much for this post and everyone's thoughtful answers. A BM of mine just recently experienced a break-up and is taking it very hard, and I have a much better understanding of how I should proceed in this situation--- do not discuss wedding issues with her, and generally back off and try to make life as easy as possible for her. This is great advice.

emilysherman06 · October 2012

Thanks everyone for your input and suggestions. I truly haven't required anything of my bridesmaids, and the "get togethers" were just that - having dinner & drinks. I'm really not a bride-centric person. I'm just guilty of being really excited for our wedding coming up in less than a month. And my Fiance can't help me craft to save his life. He can barely cut ribbon and absolutely does not want to. I'm making things by hand because I want to save money. My MOH is an Etsy seller, so she really has skills and said from day one that she would help me out. I'm not trying to enlist free labor or force anyone to do anything. Is it too much to expect that your best friend will be happy for you? I know she's hurting, and I truly have been there for her - which is a big reason why I've procrastinated in most of my wedding planning. I don't know what else I can do for her. But her telling me that she's depressed because I'm getting married, really makes it difficult, especially since I see her every day at work and she mopes about it constantly.

kay136 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_my-moh-says-my-wedding-is-making-her-depressed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7051593f-a898-4765-945a-bff3de1eb36cPost:64c1a933-f5e8-4c49-a9fc-4073bba21451">Re: My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.</a>:
[QUOTE] But her telling me that she's depressed because I'm getting married, really makes it difficult, especially since I see her every day at work and she mopes about it constantly.
Posted by emilysherman06[/QUOTE]

Agreed that is inappropriate of her. If I was in that situation I do believe I would tell her to quit it with that. She doesn't have to involve herself in all of the wedding stuff but she shouldn't be putting it down for you either. It's your big day!

aquari0216 · October 2012

Seriously....if its so damn depressing for her she can always opt out....this is one of the BIGGEST days of your life and if she cant handle the MOH duties because there are MORE than just being there and standing with you then she needs to move around and gve someone dependable enough for you to be in that role....Im so TIRED of hearing about brides with the wrong ppl in their wedding party adding stress to what u already must deal with.....im assuming the breakup was after your announcement and her acceptance so i understand she needs time and a good friend but im assuming you'd be the best MOH you could be if you two switched places....break up or not.....and honey she IS suppose to be at most if not all of your events...praying for you and pre congratulations!!

My MOH says my wedding is making her depressed.

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