MOH hell...

jennyd412 · February 2013

My friend did exactly what you are proposing to do. Her sisters complained (about stress related to what they perceived was MOH duties) She then told me that I was now her MOH and she told them they were now bridesmaids. She made this decision after her Mom said "Your sisters are young, you should have picked Jenn. Jenn is "acting" like MOH anyway" I told her I didn't care what the title was, I planned to help with details of the wedding and also take a large part in planning the shower regardless. I told her that her sisters would likely be angry, but she insisted. Well, one sister was totally fine with "demotion" the other was VERY angry. They worked it out, but it was unneccessary stress, as I didn't see my role as anything different based on Bridesmaid or MOH title.

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:5bb94565-a488-48ec-a9e3-70d06a3e1f68">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : You're a bit slow, aren't you? The conversations you report having had with them bear nothing in resemblance to the conversation we're telling you to have. I don't know how to be more clear. IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO DO WEDDING STUFF WITH YOU. THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING BESIDES GET THE DRESS. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE OBLIGATED TO DO WEDDING STUFF ARE YOU AND YOUR FI, THE TWO PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED. If your normal relationship with your sisters = not talking much, why on earth do you think this would change just because you're getting married?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Viczaesar – No, I am not a BIT SLOW. I told you that I have already (THREE TIMES) taken my sisters to lunch, held their hands, and looked into their eyes, and asked them softly what they’re so anxious about… and then reassured them that they don’t have to do anything for me except show up, told them to chill, and said let’s move on with this process.So, when I say “I’ve already had that conversation”… I MEAN IT. How many times must I have that conversation with them (and how many times must I type, on this post, that I have had it)? I’ve spent more time comforting, coaxing, easing, and pleasing them than I have actually planning my wedding at this point. So, for sake of moving forward WHAT DO I DO NOW? …No, you know what, since you called me slow. I’m just going to ignore you now. Hopefully someone else will respond to this post without directly putting me down).

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:367b5253-a4bb-424f-bc31-cefd98a018b3">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]My friend did exactly what you are proposing to do. Her sisters complained (about stress related to what they perceived was MOH duties) She then told me that I was now her MOH and she told them they were now bridesmaids. She made this decision after her Mom said "Your sisters are young, you should have picked Jenn. Jenn is "acting" like MOH anyway" I told her I didn't care what the title was, I planned to help with details of the wedding and also take a large part in planning the shower regardless. I told her that her sisters would likely be angry, but she insisted. Well, one sister was totally fine with "demotion" the other was VERY angry. They worked it out, but it was unneccessary stress, as I didn't see my role as anything different based on Bridesmaid or MOH title.
Posted by jennyd412[/QUOTE]

Wow... Thank you... This was exactly what I was looking for-- someone who has been through or seen a similar situation.

I felt kind of guilty asking the other girls to do more, without giving them some sort of additional recognition... But, if it might be ok (either way) then I'll do that.

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:eaba6247-a822-4166-ae3f-0ac88f93054e">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : "... But to get all butt hurt over the fact that her sisters aren't jumping up and down and talking wedding all the time is a bit ridiculous..." Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I'm not butt hurt. Relax. Don't make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. (And, by "this" I mean, the fact that I put a question on here in the first place).

christinab123 · February 2013

Joy2611 – I am confused as well… I have no idea what they’re so anxious about. However, since they live with extreme anxiety on a daily basis, it is likely that they are anxious about simply putting the dress on and walking down the aisle, exactly as you said. I just don't know where to go from here... I want to help them manage through that. But, I can't think of any way to help with that (without everyone on this message board calling me a nut).Mig78 – My sisters are 19 and 22

Mandaw0515 - Thank you for being the only person, so far, who has given any clear, concise advice.

Maggie0829 – Both of my sisters take medication (Xanax and/or anti-depression medication) on a daily basis. So, yes, they would have anxiety if I randomly asked them for the time of day…
Renegade gaucho–I do not need help using Pinterest. NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL. I wanted (not NEEDED) their advice regarding cute pics of hairstyles. Please be sure the posts are clear before responding in a snarky way, just because you think your response is cute/snarky doesn’t mean it’s helpful. In fact it’s probably hurtful.

NYCMercedes · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:ebce465f-7b48-4e76-86a6-d09fcf6cae33">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : Wow... Thank you... This was exactly what I was looking for-- someone who has been through or seen a similar situation. I felt kind of guilty asking the other girls to do more, without giving them some sort of additional recognition... But, if it might be ok (either way) then I'll do that.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

?? Felt kind of guilty asking the other girls to do more ??

I was on your side with you and your sisters, with their disability, until I saw this. What do you mean?

brielleinlove · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:d6e71a28-f034-4594-87fa-1f7a7afc5a90">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]Where did I put that she had to pick her party based on who is excited?? I said it's nice to have a friend who is there and is excited about u getting married. I dont know what kind of family or friends u girls have, but I feel sorry for u all. My MOH who is my cousin know's she is not expected to do anything other than buy the dress. She ended up buying me magaizines in the first couple months so we could look at them and get some ideas, she also volunteered to make candy favors and baskets along with some other bridesmaids for my shower. Another bridesmaid of mine is making all the favors for my wedding, personalized mini wine bottles. All this and not once did I ask or make them feel they need to do anything for me. I guess Im blessed to have the friends and family I do. So in response again I understand why OP is upset, not because she should be, but because she is human.. My advise is not horrible, maybe to someone who thinks less of her friends than she should, but I would NOT want my MOH to stand next to me if she did not want to be there. 
Posted by Mandaw0515[/QUOTE]

<div>*shrug* Why feel sorry? My best friend loves me very much. We share everything. However, I am very into the whole wedding thing. She's not. There's nothing to feel sorry about, because everyone is different! Not buying me wedding magazines or helping me make favors doesn't devalue the relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>And I certainly don't think less of my friends than I should. I think those who believe that their friends helping them out with wedding planning = proof of friendship think less of their friends than they should.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, please follow the advice that many have given in this post. Reassure your sisters that you do not expect anything of them, and keep them as MOHs. Doing anything else will hurt and embarrass them. DO NOT sit them down and lecture them as Mandaw suggested, telling them that if they don't want to be in your wedding party they shouldn't be. That will hurt their feelings and make them even more anxious.</div>

[Deleted User] · February 2013

What to do is simple. Nothing. Seriously. Your sisters have anxiety and depression problems. Asking them to step down will REALLY hurt them and damage your relationship. It may be annoying and stressful to you that they seem so disinterested in this, but your long term relationship with your sisters matters more than the one day of the wedding. Please don't damage it for something that, in the scheme of things, is so small.

Tell your dad to butt out. Tell him you've spoken to your sisters before and if they would like to say anything to you about the wedding, they are more than welcome to, without judgement. If he says they're afraid, just reiterate to your sisters that they can come to you for anything and that all you want is to share your day with them by your side. Then mean it. Let go of your anger and realize they've got a lot going on in their lives that takes precident, including mental health issues that require medication. Love them anyway and be excited that you have two sisters to share your love and your life with.

Next time someone offers you a shower, accept graciously and shoot a quick note or email to your sisters saying that "hey, friend x really wants to throw me a shower. Let me know if you want to help her out but otherwise I'll keep you posted about when/where it's going down."

Stop talking to them about wedding stuff - keep your conversations based on their lives and normal, everyday topics unless something specific needs to be said (ex: "dresses need to be bought by x date"). Talk to someone who does seem interested in the wedding (another bm, your mom, your fiance, whoever) if you want to gush about wedding stuff or ask if clutches are a good idea (as others said - lurk around - it's fine if you want them in photos but they are NOT a gift - anything that is used for the wedding should not be considered your gift to them - I got pashminas for my girls because I'm concerned it will be cold, but as they all match and are to be worn day of, I am NOT considering them my gift).

Being a bridesmaid is an honor. You don't need more of an honor than that. If someone OFFERS to go above and beyond to help you, thank them with a nice card, a dinner, a special girls day. That's it. Please don't ask anyone for help unless they offer.

beardownbchs · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:ebce465f-7b48-4e76-86a6-d09fcf6cae33">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : Wow... Thank you... This was exactly what I was looking for-- someone who has been through or seen a similar situation. I felt kind of guilty asking the other girls to do more, without giving them some sort of additional recognition... But, if it might be ok (either way) then I'll do that.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

Helping with your wedding does not equal MOH. Anyone can help you with your wedding. The person helping me the most is not in my wedding party, hell, she might not even come (I'm having a destination wedding). And this is fine. She loves crafty things and she wants to help. Anyone who wants to throw you a shower, can. Anyone who wants to help you, can. The title of MOH does not go to the person who does the most work, it goes to the woman (women) who you are closest you and that you want to honor with that title.

But you keep saying two different things - that you understand that no one needs to help you (where is your fiance in all this, by the way?) but then you say that you're going to be asking others for help. You can bounce ideas off anyone who wants you to and will care.

And coming from someone with anxiety disorders myself, demoting or excluding your sisters will make things worse for them. I know you said you are and you have, but you really need to continue try to make them as comfortable as you can. Being MOHs may be good for them - the less your anxiety allows you to do, the smaller your world gets. The anxiety of walking down the aisle and taking all those pictures and standing there during the wedding and knowing that they accomplished it may instill some confidence in them and that great, "I DID IT!!" feeling.

Maggie0829 · February 2013

I think from this moment on that you should just go about your wedding planning and stop stressing over your sisters. You asked them to be MOHs. You can't back track now. From your other posts, you knew before asking them that they have anxiety and depression issues. These do not go away just because you are planning a wedding. You should have realized that asking them to be a part of your wedding would induce their anxiety.

Since you have talked to them several times about what you expect (which is nothing but to show up on your wedding day) then there really isn't anything more that you can do. I would keep wedding talk with them to a minimum. It is great that you are concerned about their health and anxiety levels but all that you are doing is stressing yourself out and not really doing anything about their anxiety levels. Their anxiety and depression is something that they have to deal with. All you can do is be supportive.

christinab123 · February 2013

By "ask my other BMs to do other things" i literally mean to hold my flowers help me hold my big giant dress so it doesnt fall into the toilet while I use the restroom at the reception... Thats it. Period. But, you guys are right. Nobody needs a "special title" for that. So, I'll ust not have anyone with any special title. That way, nobody dies from stress I don't accidentally rely too heavily on any one person. Hell, they can even take turns or draw straws when it comes time to help me with the dress/restroom scenario.

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:0e4b1e98-0615-49ee-9c05-5877067dd059">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think from this moment on that you should just go about your wedding planning and stop stressing over your sisters. You asked them to be MOHs. You can't back track now. From your other posts, you knew before asking them that they have anxiety and depression issues. These do not go away just because you are planning a wedding. You should have realized that asking them to be a part of your wedding would induce their anxiety. Since you have talked to them several times about what you expect (which is nothing but to show up on your wedding day) then there really isn't anything more that you can do. I would keep wedding talk with them to a minimum. It is great that you are concerned about their health and anxiety levels but all that you are doing is stressing yourself out and not really doing anything about their anxiety levels. Their anxiety and depression is something that they have to deal with. All you can do is be supportive.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this (bolded). I do not have anxiety issues. So, it is hard for me to keep those kinds of things in mind, 24/7. And, since I practically raised them (our parents had a nasty divorce after which point our mom sort of fell off the face of the earth when my sisters were still in elementary school)... So, it's really hard to redirect my attention towards the wedding stuff-- and every other thing that is important to me on a daily basis. I have this nagging instinct to address their concerns and make them as comfortable as possible. So, now I feel like the one with the disability (since I've been unable to make them comfortable, despite my best and repetitive efforts.)

[Deleted User] · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:c066617e-9cbf-4948-a491-2f511fb383d2">Re:MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]By "ask my other BMs to do other things" i literally mean to hold my flowers help me hold my big giant dress so it doesnt fall into the toilet while I use the restroom at the reception... Thats it. Period. But, you guys are right. Nobody needs a "special title" for that. So, I'll ust not have anyone with any special title. That way, nobody dies from stress I don't accidentally rely too heavily on any one person. Hell, they can even take turns or draw straws when it comes time to help me with the dress/restroom scenario.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

But you've already asked your sisters, no? If so, I'd really urge you to keep the title. As PP said, they may, in their own anxiety filled way, really be glad to have that title. You've got the right idea that anyone can hold your flowers or fluff your dress or anything. But still give your sisters the honor of listing them as MsOH in the program and announcing them as such (if you do an announcement of who's walking in at the reception). I think it'd be really hurtful to take it away, especially considering what you've now said about the closeness of your relationship.

christinab123 · February 2013

we're not having wedding programs. we're not announcing the WP at the reception. they don't want to give a speech. and they aren't interested in doing anything other than show up to the wedding. therefore, literally no one knows the difference between them and other bridesmaids.

i'm planning to say this (keep in mind, my wedding is in 5 months-- and my sisters have already said they won't attend the wedding rehearsal the evening before the wedding):

There has been a ton of thought, emphasis, and stress related the title of “MOH” vs. “bridesmaid” To make sure no one feels TOO comfortable relying on anyone... and nobody feels TOO UNcomfortable with saying no to things (like attending the rehearsal)... Let’s just forget about the title and press the "restart" button on this whole thing. Then, going forward, whoever wants to be involved—they’ll do so voluntarily (not like they HAVE to do anything). It’s important that we all enjoy this process and right now, we’re not. So, let’s just relax… enjoy the show (sans worries/titles)… and try to remember that nobody is going to break up or call off the wedding, just because one or two people don’t come to the wedding rehearsal... It’s going to be alright, ok?

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:4c7d2c5e-2333-42a6-88ae-3ee441747cbc">Re:MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:MOH hell... : But you've already asked your sisters, no? If so, I'd really urge you to keep the title. As PP said, they may, in their own anxiety filled way, really be glad to have that title. You've got the right idea that anyone can hold your flowers or fluff your dress or anything. But still give your sisters the honor of listing them as MsOH in the program and announcing them as such (if you do an announcement of who's walking in at the reception). I think it'd be really hurtful to take it away, especially considering what you've now said about the closeness of your relationship.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

What does "OP" and "PP" mean? (Sorry, not exactly a pro when it comes to the lingo on here.) :)

renegade gaucho · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:5067ea50-2ca9-4e50-8317-8c614d3662ea">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE] Renegade gaucho –I do not need help using Pinterest. NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL. I wanted (not NEEDED) their advice regarding cute pics of hairstyles. Please be sure the posts are clear before responding in a snarky way, just because you think your response is cute/snarky doesn’t mean it’s helpful. In fact it’s probably hurtful.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

"I've had the same conversation with them several times: "hey, do you wanna help me Pin (pinterest) ideas for hair & makeup?"

Seems pretty clear to me. I think you're the one who has trouble understanding commonly used words, since you responded to your sisters' stress about their role as MOHs by asking them to get more involved in your wedding planning activities, and you seem to think "talk to your sisters and tell them you're honored just to have them stand next to you and you don't expect anything from them" is synonomous with "ask your sisters for input on your wedding".

Also, cute, snarky, and helpful all mean different things. Maybe you can add a dictionary to your gift registry?

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:a6691d3c-77e9-4274-ba21-59036c469dcb">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : "I've had the same conversation with them several times: "hey, do you wanna help me Pin (pinterest) ideas for hair & makeup?" Seems pretty clear to me. I think you're the one who has trouble understanding commonly used words, since you responded to your sisters' stress about their role as MOHs by asking them to get more involved in your wedding planning activities, and you seem to think "talk to your sisters and tell them you're honored just to have them stand next to you and you don't expect anything from them" is synonomous with "ask your sisters for input on your wedding". Also, cute, snarky, and helpful all mean different things. Maybe you can add a dictionary to your gift registry?
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

They knew what I meant when I asked. So, I assumed you were not a moron & understood, also. Please excuse my incorrect assumption.

renegade gaucho · February 2013

And yet you interpreted your sisters' mockery of your wedding choices and your dad's statement that they were stressed about being your MOHs as a sign that they want to spend time looking at pictures of hairstyles with you. You're not the brightest bulb in the box. Why did you ask them more than once when they weren't interested the first time you asked and have been indicating in no uncertain terms that they do not want to help you plan? Why don't you just look at pictures on the internet by yourself?

christinab123 · February 2013

Little Miss Gaucho Pants is being ignored (posts are hidden from my view)... There is absolutely no chance that her comments are anything but hurtful and unproductive.

renegade gaucho · February 2013

Oh no! Nothing hurts worse than being ignored by the deliberately obtuse!

LDubHawksFan · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:08c63cbe-74cb-4778-84da-8d7716d67ded">Re:MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:MOH hell... : What does "OP" and "PP" mean? (Sorry, not exactly a pro when it comes to the lingo on here.) :)
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

OP original post or poster (you)
PP previous posters

I'm a little late, but I agree that you just need to back away from the WP involvement. One of the most common things we tell new brides is that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you, and often brides, without even meaning to, overload the wedding talk with their BMs. You recognize your sister's anxiety and that it isn't due to what you expect of them as a MOH, but then you ask them about a lot of minute details like hairstyles and clutches. They responded saying that they don't care and have their own lives, so don't push it any more. Don't demote them and make them "just BMs" because the title should only be there to have extra honor....they are your sisters and you should not want to risk hurting their feelings by doing so. Take a step back and refocus on your relationships with all of your BMs and try talking to them without bringing up the wedding.
My BMs and MOH were all all 2K miles away from me the whole time. Guess how much involvement I got from them.....next to nothing except from picking out dresses and it was fine. And then a week before, one of them finally backed out of standing up with me because the reality of being a new mom (3 wks old) and flying out to my wedding became too much. It happens.

beardownbchs · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:fa2bf3de-d342-4af6-b934-2484ed832861">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]Little Miss Gaucho Pants is being ignored (posts are hidden from my view)... There is absolutely no chance that her comments are anything but hurtful and unproductive.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

And you wonder why no one cares or wants to help you with your wedding? Really?

[Deleted User] · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:25b6aef2-73ee-463a-bc7f-ed2c633a4f84">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]we're not having wedding programs. we're not announcing the WP at the reception. they don't want to give a speech. and they aren't interested in doing anything other than show up to the wedding. therefore, literally no one knows the difference between them and other bridesmaids. i'm planning to say this (keep in mind, my wedding is in 5 months-- and my sisters have already said they won't attend the wedding rehearsal the evening before the wedding): There has been a ton of thought, emphasis, and stress related the title of “MOH” vs. “bridesmaid” To make sure no one feels TOO comfortable relying on anyone... and nobody feels TOO UNcomfortable with saying no to things (like attending the rehearsal)... Let’s just forget about the title and press the "restart" button on this whole thing. Then, going forward, whoever wants to be involved—they’ll do so voluntarily (not like they HAVE to do anything). It’s important that we all enjoy this process and right now, we’re not. So, let’s just relax… enjoy the show (sans worries/titles)… and try to remember that nobody is going to break up or call off the wedding, just because one or two people don’t come to the wedding rehearsal... It’s going to be alright, ok?
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

It really doesn't matter if you're announcing them or not or doing programs or not or if anyone at the wedding knows. The point is telling them they are no longer MsOh will be painful, hurtful, and mean to them. Period. It doesn't matter the reasoning or the wording or the fact that you could have every good intention in the world, what they will hear is that you are stripping them of an HONOR, the title of your maid of honor, the title that means they are the people who mean the most to you in the world. Let them make a decision if they're too stressed. If you feel a need to say something, just say that you don't expect anything extra of them of MsOH, you just wanted to show them how much you love them. I just really think that you will hurt them by "resetting." I know that, no matter the reason, I would be crushed if someone did that to me.

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:073b155f-ba89-496e-b989-a20f7490d454">Re:MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:MOH hell... : "...My BMs and MOH were all all 2K miles away from me the whole time. Guess how much involvement I got from them.....next to nothing except from picking out dresses and it was fine. And then a week before, one of them finally backed out of standing up with me because the reality of being a new mom (3 wks old) and flying out to my wedding became too much. It happens.
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

Thanks, lwoehik... I'm a veteran bridesmaid. So, I know this (in bold).

The 3 of us aren't very close (emotionally, and literally-- living in different cities), as well-- which definitely makes it hard to give them positive assurance remotely. Most BMs don't need this kind of assurance. But, since they're new to the process-- and since my dad basically made me feel like I NEED to do something about their grief-- I can't help but feel obligated to help them with their anxiety.
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christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:a37726f6-ce29-40dd-b90b-134a833ed188">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : It really doesn't matter if you're announcing them or not or doing programs or not or if anyone at the wedding knows. The point is telling them they are no longer MsOh will be painful, hurtful, and mean to them. Period. It doesn't matter the reasoning or the wording or the fact that you could have every good intention in the world, what they will hear is that you are stripping them of an HONOR, the title of your maid of honor, the title that means they are the people who mean the most to you in the world. Let them make a decision if they're too stressed. If you feel a need to say something, just say that you don't expect anything extra of them of MsOH, you just wanted to show them how much you love them. I just really think that you will hurt them by "resetting." I know that, no matter the reason, I would be crushed if someone did that to me.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'd be crushed too... Which is why I haven't said anthing yet. But, the fact that my dad got involved and asked me to ask them to step down, I feel like (if I don't) then I'll just have to add my dad to the list of people who resent this whole process.
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[Deleted User] · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:9e880178-4ae1-42dc-969e-e07806d9d27d">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : Yeah, I'd be crushed too... Which is why I haven't said anthing yet. But, the fact that my dad got involved and asked me to ask them to step down, I feel like (if I don't) then I'll just have to add my dad to the list of people who resent this whole process.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

I think, if that's the case, you need to say something to your dad then, not your sisters. Tell him it was inappropriate for him to intervene. Explain to him that asking them to step down is a public slight that could be very damaging and very hurtful to your relationship with your sisters. Emphasize to him that if your sisters go to him about any of this, that he should direct them to you (instead of sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong) and encourage them to be open with you, that you won't judge, won't mind, and will gladly listen. If he gets an attitude, tell him to butt out. He really shouldn't have any say in your wedding party at all. I mean...he's a grown man with three grown daughters - he should trust them to take care of themselves. Honestly, given his prying, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one sewing damaging thoughts in your sister's heads ("are you sure you can handle the MOH duties? Do you want me to just ask Christinab if you can just step down?").

Don't let his concerns/worry/attitude make you do something that could damage your relationship with your sisters. This is about the three of you, not him. If your gut is telling you that this will hurt them (as it seems it is), then go with your gut. Don't listen to other people talking nonsense in your ear.

Barbiiieee · February 2013

I couldn't even read half of these posts because it is so crazy. OP-Christina, I will give you this advice: your sisters are your sisters and blood is thicker than water. That means, they will be your sisters until they day you die. Just let wedding stuff go for a while. If they have ordered their dresses then they are set to go. No need to bring up your wedding every time you talk to them. I'm not saying you have been, I'm just saying you need to remember that nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are.

If they have anxiety, they are probably just nervous about standing up in front of a ton people on your wedding day, so honestly I don't think demoting them to BM instead of MOH will help them at all. It also isn't cool to promote a BM after the fact. It makes them seem like second choice. If it is just the title MOH they are worried about, just call them BMs now when they're around and print it in your program as MOH. My sister is my MOH and I call her a BM all the time. Why? Because the only thing she is doing differently than my other BMs is holding my bouquet.

Also, any and all or none of your BP members can throw you a shower or pre wedding party. You can also have more than one shower (I think, correct me if I am wrong, ladies). It isn't uncommon in my circle anyway, as long as the guest lists aren't duplicated. When my sister got married she had three showers, and I went to all three. I hosted a lingerie shower and only invited her younger girlfriends, my mom hosted a shower with women from mostly our side, and her FMIL hosted one with women mostly from his side & member of their church. I didn't really mind, and I didn't get her a gift for any of them, since I hosted one and baked cupcakes for another and totally splurged on a wedding gift for her. You don't need to feel like you are refusing showers, and you can certainly remind your sisters or maybe tell your mom this.

I know it seems overwhelming, but this situation isn't that bad. They are your sisters and they love you, and it shows how much because it seems like they are worried they aren't doing enough. They will be fine as your MOHs and I think you should just keep it as such. Good luck!

Barbiiieee · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:06393f3f-8d40-4071-88df-4aa228b89426">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : I think, if that's the case, you need to say something to your dad then, not your sisters. Tell him it was inappropriate for him to intervene. Explain to him that asking them to step down is a public slight that could be very damaging and very hurtful to your relationship with your sisters. Emphasize to him that if your sisters go to him about any of this, that he should direct them to you (instead of sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong) and encourage them to be open with you, that you won't judge, won't mind, and will gladly listen. If he gets an attitude, tell him to butt out. He really shouldn't have any say in your wedding party at all. I mean...he's a grown man with three grown daughters - he should trust them to take care of themselves. Honestly, given his prying, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one sewing damaging thoughts in your sister's heads ("are you sure you can handle the MOH duties? Do you want me to just ask Christinab if you can just step down?"). Don't let his concerns/worry/attitude make you do something that could damage your relationship with your sisters. This is about the three of you, not him. If your gut is telling you that this will hurt them (as it seems it is), then go with your gut. Don't listen to other people talking nonsense in your ear.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

And all of this!

zitiqueen · February 2013

Why won't she tell us how old her sisters are?

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:06393f3f-8d40-4071-88df-4aa228b89426">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : I think, if that's the case, you need to say something to your dad then, not your sisters. Tell him it was inappropriate for him to intervene. Explain to him that asking them to step down is a public slight that could be very damaging and very hurtful to your relationship with your sisters. Emphasize to him that if your sisters go to him about any of this, that he should direct them to you (instead of sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong) and encourage them to be open with you, that you won't judge, won't mind, and will gladly listen. If he gets an attitude, tell him to butt out. He really shouldn't have any say in your wedding party at all. I mean...he's a grown man with three grown daughters - he should trust them to take care of themselves. Honestly, given his prying, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one sewing damaging thoughts in your sister's heads ("are you sure you can handle the MOH duties? Do you want me to just ask Christinab if you can just step down?"). Don't let his concerns/worry/attitude make you do something that could damage your relationship with your sisters. This is about the three of you, not him. If your gut is telling you that this will hurt them (as it seems it is), then go with your gut. Don't listen to other people talking nonsense in your ear.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

Hadn't thought of that actually. Thank you!

Wish me luck... I'll address my dad's concerns first (since he may actually be more concerned than my sisters are-- seeing as how he was the one who talked to me, not them.)

MOH hell...

Re: MOH hell...

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