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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Gay Bridesmen
So...I have my sister, my fiance's sister, and my cousin (who introduced us) as bridesmaids, but when I asked my best friend from out of state, she couldn't/wouldn't do it, so I asked two gay friends to be bridesmen instead. Now, let me say that they are not boyfriend and boyfriend or anything, and they're not even like "look at me I'm gay!" or anything like that.
Enter my mother. My mom and dad are both very conservative Christians, and my grandparents are your typical older Republican/Democrats. They are conservative on most issues, but occasionally will vote Democrat basically.
So my mom decided in her last e-mail to me to tell me that my cousin told my grandma all about my bridesmen when she was down there visiting a few weekends ago and that "it makes all of us conservatives a little uncomfortable, but really makes gram and pop uncomfortable."
This is notoriously what my mom does in my life. She expresses her opinion and then expects me to change to fit it. I'm not changing on this one, it's my decision. I sent an e-mail back very courteously saying that they are not going to be wearing dresses or anything and that neither of them has boyfriends at this point and that they are not outwardly openly gay. Basically I was just trying to make it clear that I am not changing my mind and it's not like they're going to be shoving it in her face all night that they are gay.
But now I just feel really let down that my mom would say stuff like this to me. First of all, she isn't contributing to the wedding, we're paying for it ourselves with the help of my fiance's parents. Second of all, my younger brother who is 20 had a kid with his ex gf two years ago and the ex gf and the kid live with them. I love my niece, but I feel like this gives my parents no room to judge me, but it keeps happening.
I'm sorry to be a downer, but I really needed some ears on this issue, and some encouragement, I'm feeling so frustrated about this. Thank you guys so much! Feel free to post what you think about the situation.
Enter my mother. My mom and dad are both very conservative Christians, and my grandparents are your typical older Republican/Democrats. They are conservative on most issues, but occasionally will vote Democrat basically.
So my mom decided in her last e-mail to me to tell me that my cousin told my grandma all about my bridesmen when she was down there visiting a few weekends ago and that "it makes all of us conservatives a little uncomfortable, but really makes gram and pop uncomfortable."
This is notoriously what my mom does in my life. She expresses her opinion and then expects me to change to fit it. I'm not changing on this one, it's my decision. I sent an e-mail back very courteously saying that they are not going to be wearing dresses or anything and that neither of them has boyfriends at this point and that they are not outwardly openly gay. Basically I was just trying to make it clear that I am not changing my mind and it's not like they're going to be shoving it in her face all night that they are gay.
But now I just feel really let down that my mom would say stuff like this to me. First of all, she isn't contributing to the wedding, we're paying for it ourselves with the help of my fiance's parents. Second of all, my younger brother who is 20 had a kid with his ex gf two years ago and the ex gf and the kid live with them. I love my niece, but I feel like this gives my parents no room to judge me, but it keeps happening.
I'm sorry to be a downer, but I really needed some ears on this issue, and some encouragement, I'm feeling so frustrated about this. Thank you guys so much! Feel free to post what you think about the situation.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Gay Bridesmen
Good for you for sticking to your guns.
Miss Mrs.
I'm not sure why your attendants' sexual orientations are being discussed in the first place. If your best friend had accepted, would you have introduced her to your mother as your "straight female Maid of Honor"? Or would you simply have said "Sally has agreed to be my Maid of Honor! I'm so excited!"
It seems to me like you should introduce your honor attendants as your honor attendants (you don't need to call them your "bridesmen" if your family already has rigid views on gender roles), and leave the fact that they're gay out of it completely. It's nothing to be ashamed about, of course, but it really is irrelevant to the role they've been asked to perform.
They're your male friends, and they're standing up for you on your side.
Now that the cat's out of the bag, though, you'll have to just smile and change the subject until it passes. If it comes to a head, I'd say something like this:
"Thanks for your concern. I'm certain that in no way shape or form will there be any inappropriate behavior the day of from any of the wedding party, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or couple status. FI and I will discuss it, but please understand that our wedding party is solely our choice, and will remain as such. Now, would you care for a slice of cake?"
If that doesn't work, leave.
"This is not a topic I'm willing to continue to discuss. I think it's time for me to leave, and if this conversation resumes in the future, I'll be forced to do so again."
If it does happen repeatedly, I'd tell them that they're risking their relationship with you in order to pass judgement on people they don't know.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
I have to question why that would come up in a conversation with your family. Don't get me wrong, I love the gays so I am not saying you should hide it. I would just wonder why you would say, hey, I chose Matt and Steve as bridesman and they are as gay as the day is long!
Tell me more.
Now with more wedded bliss.
I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.
"Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
"smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
"The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board
You didn't have to replace your friend when she said no with two gay men though. Were they always on your list to be attendants?
Now with more wedded bliss.
I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.
"Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
"smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
"The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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And I wouldn't even bring it up again to your mom. That implies that you owe her some type of answer.
If SHE brings it up again then say, "This is not a matter that is open for discussion." and change the subject. Let her know that you're not giving her opinion a second thought.
As long as you're adult about it, you'll have etiquette and common sense on your side. It may take her a while to change her tune, but it's unlikely she wants to lose her daughter over the wedding party selection.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
Do they also have a problem with your lesbian cousin being in your bridal party? If not, I really don't see what their problem is about your two bridesmen.
[QUOTE]My mom occasionally plays the <strong>"What would your grandmother have thought?"</strong> card so she doesn't have to openly say she doesn't quite approve of something (like when FI and I moved in together). I always counter with, "Times have changed. What she would consider "proper" is outdated. It's what I want, I don't see anything wrong with it, it's not hurting anybody, deal with it." Do they also have a problem with your lesbian cousin being in your bridal party? If not, I really don't see what their problem is about your two bridesmen.
Posted by linguo42[/QUOTE]
My grandmother is alive. She preaches to me about living with BF. I tell her if she would've tried that, she might have been divorced a few less times.
But I'm sure that can't work with every situation...lol.
40/112
[QUOTE]Being in the same room with gay people makes them uncomfortable? Sucks for them. Your friends would be at the wedding no matter what, right? So... My dad sat behind a gay couple on his flight home and told me how they were <strong>"making out and it was kind of gross".</strong> My H said, "does he even know how many people at our wedding were gay?" One of our GMs was gay.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
I hate when people say that. Unless you think all overly PDAs are unacceptable regardless of sexuality, then I kind of want to kick you in the junk. That's up there for me with the dudes that go with the "OMG gay guys being gay are so gross. But les-on-les action is HOT." STFU.
PS - that wasn't a dig at your pops since I don't know him from Adam. Just a general observation.