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FutureMrsBoucher
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nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*
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Ok, so neither FI nor I are virgins, but both of us decided a while before we even met each other that we didn't like the idea of sex outside of marriage because of emotional baggage that comes with it. I lost my v-card to my ex-fiance and our relationship dissolved (there wasn't much there to begin with) and any guy I slept with after that I became way too emotionally attached to. By the time we get married, it will have been over 3 years since I've been with someone, and around 4 for him. The most we've ever done is make out, clothes totally on, no touchy-feely. It's true that part of the reason we haven't (and won't until we're married) slept together is religious conviction, but also we individually decided that sleeping with someone before marriage is just not what we want. Believe me, I'm definitely looking forward to hopping into bed on our wedding night 
That being said, I'm terrified, too! I'm as nervous as I would imagine any virgin to be. I'm scared he's going to take one look at me and say, "Ew! I married that? Get me a refund!" Which is weird, because he's seen me in a bikini when I was outside tanning with my roommates, and he certainly didn't say EW then. I'm working out hardcore, even though he says he's happy with me just the way I am. I'm also scared that I'm not going to be able to, er.... make him happy. Any suggestions on how to get over this? Who else waited until their wedding night?
*marc & catrina*
*10.9.10*
*10.9.10*
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Re: nervous! no sex till wedding night *couldn't figure out where else to post this*
So for us this is really hard, because we have been with each other, but have chosen to stop and wait for whats right. That being said, I know he won't say EW. And I know your FI wont say EW either. But it still makes me kind of nervous. I'm sure it will be fine however, and probably puts less pressure on us than a lot of girls have to have the best $3x ever on their wedding nights. Think of it this way... our FIs will just be happy to be with us....
Any already married ladies to weigh in on these girls fears (including mine- because as much as i want to say im not a little nervous, I am)
Married August 14th, 2010
Oh, and don't get all self-conscious. Most guys I know actually love a bit of imperfection because it makes THEM less self conscious.
*10.9.10*
TTC #1 since 08/11 IUI#2 = BFP!
To me, intimacy is a huge part of relationships. It shouldn't have the huge influence that it does, but it's there nonetheless. If you aren't compatible with someone sexually, the relationship won't last, so why leave it to chance? I'm not trying to change your mind or anything, I just don't get it.
Huskerfanz & SaraPLiz: Thanks for the realistic advice. I know I will be opting fo a little nighty that has a pair of panties and a bra type thing that comes down and gives me a bit of coverage in the tummy area. The tummy is always my selfconscience part. I was even a swimmer in HS, but I won't ever wear a bikini, (usually not even a 2 piece). I asked him once what he thought. And he said that he didn't care if I just had on a pair of cute panties (because I plan not to wear a bra, im pretty small, and my dress will need some helping out of). He also said that if I chose to change into something a little more risque, that it should be really simple as not to add any more pressure.
Married August 14th, 2010
edit: Now I do agree that, when couples refrain like just a couple weeks before so that the night of is better, that is silly (IMO only)
Married August 14th, 2010
*10.9.10*
[QUOTE]Seshat: For us it was a religion thing. Intamacy is something that we believe belongs within a marriage only. Its kind of an upholding of the standards of marriage that a lot of society has let go of. Its not a choice made lightly, and its not the right choice for every one, but it was for us. We felt that outside of marriage we were not ready to have that intamacy or some of the consequencces that could result. HTH. edit: Now I do agree that, when couples refrain like just a couple weeks before so that the night of is better, that is silly (IMO only)
Posted by Lakerchic7272[/QUOTE]
I agree that society seems to have let go of certain standards pertaining to marriage, and I certainly don't advocate people sleeping around. And, I know that my lack of religious knowledge makes me completely unable to see that point of view. I just find it odd that people wouldn't take that step before marriage to ensure they truly are compatible in that way.
And because a lot of people seem to think (not here, but in real life) that having these views means I'm a fan of sleeping around, I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there that my FI is the only guy I've been with. I just got lucky that my first was the one I fell in love with and wanted to marry.
For me I also believe that non sexual intimacy is a more lasting and enduring intimacy for a marriage. Yes sex is an important part of a marriage, but friendship and intellectual intimacy can endure a lot more than sexual intimacy can. If you start having sex it can easily become the focus of a relationship and limit the other areas for your relationship to grow, so for me it was important to build a foundation in friendship and religious intimacy before sex became a part of our relationship.
Fred Rogers
[QUOTE]Seshat411 - it's not a guilt thing. it's hard to explain if you're not Christian. not that i'm better than anyone else, it's just that as a Christian, the "rules" that i follow i don't follow out of obligation, but because i love God and believe that He knows what is best for me, so since He says no sex outside of marriage (even though i've broken that, i belive that He forgives and forgets and gives me a clean slate), that means no sex outside of marriage for us, especially since we both believe that. true, the fact that we've already been there (though not with each other) does make it harder to stick to the decision we've made, but we're sticking to it! i agree whole-heartedly that a relationship with no intimacy is hardly a relationship. however, i believe that there is more than just physical intimacy. our spiritual and emotional intimacy amaze me. to me, those are more important than physical intimacy. so far as being physically compatible, after 1 1/2 years i still get butterflies and sparks fly when he kisses me, so i'm really not worried about that. i know it won't be "perfect" the first time, but practice makes perfect! haha! **disclaimer** i am only giving my personal reasons and beliefs as to why FI and i have decided against sex before marriage. it is in no way meant to be forced on others or to represent other opinions beside our own.
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]
I do understand the 'saving yourself' aspect of it because, for myself, I like knowing that my FI is the only guy who gets to be with me, ever (not counting the a-hole who decided not to take 'no' for answer, but I believe it is my right not to count him). The religion side of it I don't get, and yeah, it's pretty hard to explain it to someone like me, so I won't make you try.
I think the fact that you've already been there threw me, as far as why you'd want to wait this time. Plus, you're what, 7 months away from getting married? I'd say you're close enough :). But yeah, seeing as how you get butterflies and sparks when you kiss, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I still get that with FI three and a half years later, so hopefully that means we're on the right track!
oh and I like what you had to say about your faith. It is so hard to describe it.
Fred Rogers
And as for the butterflies
Married August 14th, 2010
[QUOTE]Seshat. For me I also believe that non sexual intimacy is a more lasting and enduring intimacy for a marriage. Yes sex is an important part of a marriage, but friendship and intellectual intimacy can endure a lot more than sexual intimacy can. If you start having sex it can easily become the focus of a relationship and limit the other areas for your relationship to grow, so for me it was important to build a foundation in friendship and religious intimacy before sex became a part of our relationship.
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]
I think sex only becomes the main focus if you let it. I agree that friendship, intellectual intimacy, loyalty, all that are more important. But I also feel that if you enjoy that part of your relationship, then there's no reason to wait for the physical aspect. However, you have to work to make sure you maintain the non-physical components whether you're married or not.
Fred Rogers
*10.9.10*
[QUOTE]I do agree with you seshat. I have just seen so many relationships focus on the wrong aspects of a relationship. <strong>My brother and BFF both got into realtionships centered around sexual intamacy instead of other important aspects its just so easy to focus on that since it feels good. </strong>I feel like abstaining is actually the easier way to let a relationship grow then it can be added to make a great relationship wonderful. <strong> I by no means think a relationship is doomed if you don't wait, it just is not what I wanted to do.</strong>
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]
<div><span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">My brother and BFF both got into realtionships centered around sexual intamacy instead of other important aspects its just so easy to focus on that since it feels good. </span>i've been in those relationships myself. that became the focus (or was the only focus to begin with) and they never lasted. </div><div>
</div><div><span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span"> I by no means think a relationship is doomed if you don't wait, it just is not what I wanted to do. </span>amen and amen! i totally agree with this statement!</div>
*10.9.10*
[QUOTE]Lots of people.. Id venture to say most people.. don't have the best sex ever on their wedding night. They are tired, worn out, overstimulated, and then over-pressured. Don't put that pressure on yourself or him to be mindblowing, because you might be disappointed. Just go with the flow and be relaxed and take comfort that this will be your last first time ever! Oh, and don't get all self-conscious. Most guys I know actually love a bit of imperfection because it makes THEM less self conscious.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
I'd totally agree with this. By the time DH and I got through everything on our wedding day, all we wanted to do was SLEEP. :-) I wouldn't pressure yourselves on the wedding night - It's okay to crash and wait until the next day when you've had some rest!
[QUOTE] I'm also scared that I'm not going to be able to, er.... make him happy. Any suggestions on how to get over this? Who else waited until their wedding night?
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You have a lifetime to figure out how "to, er..., make him happy."</div><div>
</div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">We had a very similar situation to yours and we essentially waited until wedding night (tried a couples times before and failed). Because it had been years between, it was painful for me (not saying it will be for you) but if it is, just take it slow and everything will work itself out.</div></span>
</div>
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[QUOTE]RJust as a fun aside, we do believe that Jesus was real and was a Buddha, which is basically the highest level of enlightenment. Siddartha-Buddha is the most commonly refered-to Buddha and the founder of the religion, but there have been many, many enlightened individuals who graced us with their teachings throughout history.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't know that, thanks for sharing!
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[QUOTE]REALLY glad I read that, as I have never understood the waiting for marriage thing and I think a series of PPs explained it really well! As a Buddhist, marriage doesn't really have much meaning to it, aside from the societal benefits. I don't feel guilty about my sexual relationship with my FI, so I have always had a hard time grasping why I "should" from a Christian perspective. Buddhism does not have any gods or high power worshiping, but rather we believe that everyone contains divine wisdom, some people just have an easier time accessing and articulating it, and we follow their teachings because we trust their realizations. So I get trusting that God has set these rules for His people for a reason and that you follow them because you love and trust Him. That makes a lot more sense then feeling guilty over archaic laws! Just as a fun aside, we do believe that Jesus was real and was a Buddha, which is basically the highest level of enlightenment. Siddartha-Buddha is the most commonly refered-to Buddha and the founder of the religion, but there have been many, many enlightened individuals who graced us with their teachings throughout history.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]
Nefarious, thank you for this! That's a lovely explanation of Buddhism. This sparked a speculative glint in my eye towards Buddhism. It seems to explain a lot of what I believe.
Marriage has a very different meaning in this society than one explained in the bible. I much prefer following a voice of wisdom, from inside or from a higher being that may or may not present themselves to me, than following an archaic rule that was a set given for a certain people in a certain place at a certain time.
If celibacy is in the footsteps of happiness, for you and yours, then it is right for you. Guilt has no place there, nor does fear of perfection (i.e.; body isn't perfect, sex may not be perfect the first time with the lover, etc).
You're not alone!
[QUOTE]Btw, Seshat, I'm in a sort of similar boat. Not quite the same boat, but similar. The first man to ever show me that sex could be pleasurable and not painful, the one who made me feel satisfied for the first time, is the man I fell in love with.
Posted by happyfacesclan[/QUOTE]
Same here. I knew my FI was the one for me when he said he wasn't going to go any faster than I wanted to, and actually meant it. I got to call all the shots when it came to the bedroom, which was what I needed (I actually dreaded dating and relationships because I knew guys would expect sex).
Poor guy hadn't had any in over a year by the time we met, yet waited patiently for like a month when we started dating. I landed myself quite the gentleman. We joke about it now, but back then it was what really attracted me to him and made me feel safe.
OP don't worry, it will be a great night and you will be fine!
oh and I don't think the pp meant any offense, I think she was just pointing out her observations of different couples. Not attributing their success or lack their of due to their physical decisions. I know all types of couples that have waited for sex and those who haven't and some went well, others didn't. So It's not fair to judge.
So here is where I am at in my life. I am Catholic, but not practicing. When I say that I mean I do not attend church. I completely believe in God, and the conclusion I have come to after being Catholic since birth, is that I believe God is the air I breath, ground I walk on, leaves on the trees, and sun that shines down on me...I don't believe what is mostly taught that I have no faith if I don't attend church. God knows I believe. I shouldn't need to feed the offering plate to be labeled "Christian"....It took a harsh realization one day when I talked to my priest about my current engagement, as to why I feel the way I do. Even though my x-wife cheated, and I am divorced, the Catholic church now refuses to marry me unless I go through all these hoops to appease them. Why? What did I do? Nothing!!!! Absolutely nothing! He even went so far to tell me that my Presbyterian fiance, who was thinking of converting to catholicism, didn't take the sacrament of marriage seriously because of her baptized faith. Are you flipping kidding me? Here I am a Catholic since birth, a good guy, have never hurt anyone and he's pretty much offending me and my fiance. He then gives me a list of things I have to do in order to get in "GOOD STANDING" with the church again! I was out of there. I was not going to take this from a priest. My fiance and I are good people. We love each other, our kids, and will do anything for anyone if we can.
My fiance and I absolutely will not wait to have sex because of some belief that may have been misinterpreted a couple thousand years ago. We are not virgins obviously. No need to start acting like that again. I don't get the "LETS WAIT" thing. If what I was taught as a Catholic is true, that God gave me free will to decide what is best for me, then he will understand that we are being human and showing our love for each other in the way that he intended for us.
I guess the point I am trying to make, I found out unfortunately that my faith totally turned it's back on me because of a mistake my x-wife made. I could go through life following every other rule that the church set up, but because she couldn't keep her pants on, now all of a sudden I am a disgrace to the church community. It's sad that it took this long to figure out what's really going on. I respect all the views of the people who share my faith, or other faiths, but don't be brainwashed into thinking that because you might have sex before your wedding that your faith is broken. God knows where your heart is at regardless of what choice you make in the bedroom....
***Of course this is all my opinion, and not my intention to offend anyone. Just wanted to offer my experience and hope someone could get benefit from it somehow*******
A friend of mine was almost in the exact same situation that you are in with your FI. Neither one of them were virgins, but they decided to wait for each other until they were married because of religious affiliations. She was so nervous, that on their wedding day, she snuck out of her mother's house and snuck into the hotel where her FI was staying. She made him close his eyes and then she blindfolded him, so he couldn't see her. She then preceded to seduce him. While it might not work for you guys, it totally helped her out. She was very calm the rest of the day and not nervous about what was going to happen that night, because they already consumated their love. Hey, you could always give it a shot!
Mooresavage: I have actually seen statistics that people who have sex before marriage are more likely to get divorced, but as I recall the difference is very slight given the current divorce rate. I have also seen statistics that Conservative Christians are more likely than any other group to get divorced, by a much larger margin than the sex before marriage group. Still, as my parents (PhDs in stats) say, you can use any numbers to prove anything, and most statistics are completely worthless without the full context of the study :-)
[QUOTE]Okay, I'm SO not a virgin...I'm of the opinion that I wouldn't buy a car without test-driving it first. :) However, I can definitely reassure all of you who are nervous about your FI seeing you naked for the first time on your wedding night. He will take one look at you and think that your body is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He won't see your bulges, scars, etc...all he'll see is the woman he's madly in love with, the woman he married, the woman he gets to spend the rest of his life with. First times are always a little awkward, so don't think that those little uncomfortable moments mean that you're not compatible physically. The more times you're together, the better it will get. I admire you for the strength of your convictions, and wish you the best of wedding nights. :)
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]
This was very encouraging, and helpful - thanks!
Keith_ecko - I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that! PLEASE don't distain an entire religion based on one church's shortcommings. I am a VERY conservative Christian (not catholic), and am not a fan of divorce at all. However I do believe that the Bible actually "OK's" divorce in circumstances of marital unfaithfulness (Matthew 5:32). I'm not trying to sway your religious beliefs at all, I guess just trying clarify what I believe the Bible actually teaches.
This has been a very interesting thread! I love seeing everyone's opinions, thoughts, and beliefs!
When I met FI, I was not a christian (am now) because my family never really went to church (only on Easter & Christmas). Shortly after we met, we started discussing religion and I went to church with him a few times and he introduced me to scripture. We actually didn't officially become a couple until we were both at the same place spiritually. That may sound strange to some of you, but I think our relationship has been very blessed because of that. I mean, when I met FI . . "I just knew" so I knew it was worth the wait! Anyways, we have abstained from sexual intimacy through our entire relationship. We both think that this has allowed us to develop so many other aspects of our relationship (not to mention that I was finishing college the fall/spring after we started dating so the first 10 mos of our relationship was long distance).
I knew without a doubt when FI proposed a little less than a year and a half after we started dating that we were ready to get married.
I agree with PP's that sometimes it's difficult to wait since we have both had sex before, but we know that it is definitely worth waiting for. Not only because it is (what we believe) is what is pleasing to God but also because we know that having sex for the first time as husband and wife will be so much more special.
I'm so glad to hear that there are couples out there that are waiting until marriage. However, (like someone already said) it's not for everyone and that's ok . . it certainly doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. Religion is a choice, not an obligation. All relationships are different, not wrong . . just different : )
I too have really enjoyed this thread, I have felt several times on these boards that I have been judged because I have abstained from sex even though no one knows I am waiting. I feel like there is a lot of good things said in this thread about faith and relationships.
"If celibacy is in the footsteps of happiness, for you and yours, then it is right for you. Guilt has no place there, nor does fear of perfection (i.e.; body isn't perfect, sex may not be perfect the first time with the lover, etc)."-happy faces
This quote does bother me a little, because I think you are misconstruing the faith aspect of abstaining from the human aspect. I am waiting because I think that is what God intended us to do and I have faith in HIM to know what is best in that regards. Fear and guilt has no place in my faith. In fact God says to 'fear not' in several places throughout the Bible! But as a human, and in today's society it is hard NOT to have self image doubts and to fear imperfection. We are not perfect and I do think there should be no fear but I do understand what some may have fears.
Fred Rogers