Catholic marrying a non-Catholic

Eliz77 · January 2012

SO, we have been planning a July wedding ceremony not in a Church, but it is really bothering me. I have always envisioned being married in Church but refuse to force my beliefs on anyone. My FI understands how important my faith is to me and does join me at some Sunday/holiday masses. He also knows our futrue children will be baptized and brought up as Catholics. He WAS baptized, but that is as far as any religion education has gone for him.

Today we went to talk to a Priest and unfortunately he was not much help, I was uncomfortable and overwhelemed to tell you the truth. Basically he has said we can marry (ceremony but not mass due to "living in sin") but FI needs to be confirmed beforehand.

I know my parents and others have married in a Ctaholic Church with one person being a non-Catholic. I've read online many different things how people get around it and still have a Catholic wedding.

Can anyone advise me here? I also intend to speak with a different Priest (I recently moved and registered with a new Church). Just wondering if it is a lost cause or if there is another way to marry without FI having to confirm-that is-if he does not want to. I don't wnt him to do it just for the sake of pleasing me. But I also feel my day would be more special if I can marry in front of God with my family's support, most who are Catholic.

bibliophile2010 · January 2012

Was your FI baptized Catholic? If that is the case, even if he is no longer practicing (or has never practiced), he is considered Catholic in the eyes of the Church. In that case, your priest is exercising prudence in requiring that he follow the directive that Catholics who are married in the Church be confirmed unless there is a good reason not to be.

If he is not Catholic, then you are correct that you should be able to marry without him converting. I'll be interested in seeing what the other priest says about it.

Good for you on following your gut and seeking marriage in the Church. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Riss91 · January 2012

Welcome to the board and congrats on your upcoming marriage!

A Catholic can marry a non-Catholic WITHOUT the non-Catholic converting. Typically a mass is not appropriate in this case because the non-Catholic cannot partake in communion. I've never heard a priest refuse a mass due to the couple living together.

Your FI should not convert/be confirmed if he does not feel drawn to the faith. He needs to think about it and make the decision for himself. He could also convert later, if he isn't comfortable just yet.

You should speak with the priest in the parish you intend to marry, because he will be the one that needs to gain comfort that you are serious about the faith.

Let us know if you have any other questions :-)

Eliz77 · January 2012

BIG help. That's pretty much the idea I was getting-that it would've been better if FI was not baptized at all. Not sure where to go from here...

But yes, Priest repeated a few times we could not have mass/receive sacrament due to living together...

I will contact the Priest at my new Church and see what his views are.

Thanks!

agapecarrie · January 2012

Objectively, it wouldn't be better if your fiance wasn't baptized. That may seem what may make things "easier", but not necessarily better. Baptism is the door to grace, and becausee he is baptized, you can have the sacrament of marriage---which needs all the grace it can get.

With a mass, the priest may be cautious about scandal and for you to receive the Eucharist while publicly in a state of sin.

What I'm confused about is you calling him "non-Catholic", yet the priest says he should get confirmed. Non-Catholics can't get confirmed in the catholic church. Was he baptized Catholic?

Calypso1977 · January 2012

some priests wont marry you if you live together. taht does happen, and they do have the right to refuse to marry you for a variety of reasons (the fact that you are not in a state of grace, one could feel forced to marry due to the living situation, etc.).

some priest will marry you but ask that you live chastely until the wedding day.

do not give up hope. talk to the other priest.

Eliz77 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-marrying-non-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2adb2e77-c170-4c23-a228-83799e770352Post:f9d7041b-ddc0-4833-9d99-b8feb9d3d139">Re: Catholic marrying a non-Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]What I'm confused about is you calling him "non-Catholic", yet the priest says he should get confirmed. Non-Catholics can't get confirmed in the catholic church. Was he baptized Catholic?
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]
You're correct-I should've wrote,"Catholic marrying a non-practicing Catholic." He WAS baptized, but that is as far as his religious upbringing has gone. That's where our roadblock is and I'm not sure how to remedy it at this point.

Eliz77 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-marrying-non-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2adb2e77-c170-4c23-a228-83799e770352Post:1063747f-ffe6-43e6-a5ee-9a9c583c0e1c">Re: Catholic marrying a non-Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]some priests wont marry you if you live together. taht does happen, and they do have the right to refuse to marry you for a variety of reasons (the fact that you are not in a state of grace, one could feel forced to marry due to the living situation, etc.). some priest will marry you but ask that you live chastely until the wedding day. do not give up hope. talk to the other priest.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
Pretty much what 1st Priest said...he must've asked us both 5 times if we were being pressured into marriage by anyone, including each other. I told him we've been together 6.5 years and the reason we haven't married yet has been financial (paying off loans, etc). Which is pretty much the reason we live together as is-had an opportunity to buy a very nice house in which we plan to raise a family. I understand it's all a moot point in the eyes of the Church, but believe the choices we have made is right for us and that we will be successful in the future through marriage and family.

Riss91 · January 2012

ah - that does change things non-Catholic is treated much differently than non-practicing Catholic. Once we are baptized Catholic, we are always Catholic. It cannot be "undone". According to Canon Law:

Canon 1065 §1 "Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage, if this can be done without grave inconvenience."

This is why the priest is urging your FI to complete confirmation before marriage. Is there a reason your FI does not wish to be confirmed?

P.S. I am in the Hudson Valley too :-)

Calypso1977 · January 2012

well, the canon laws state that confirmation should be completed before marriage if it doesnt cause grave inconvience. but in this case, why would any priest encourage a non-practicing catholic, who only received baptism (im' assuming he never had first communion?) to get confirmed unless he thinks that this will somehow bring him back to the church. if your FI has no intention of coming back to the church, then i dont see why confirmation would be pushed. in theory, receiving the sacrament of marriage may give him the graces to want to come back to the church. i'm pretty sure you can receive confirmation after marriage.

is your house large enough that you could move into a different bedroom until the wedding and abstain from relations? this would make any priest more comfortable with marrying you, even the ones taht dont refuse you marriage to begin with. you could then make a good confession and use the next 6 months to prepare for your sacrament.

Eliz77 · January 2012

He doesn't wish not to be confirmed any more than he wishes to be confirmed. It's just not as important to him as other things. This is what I mean by I won't pressure him or anyone into anything. If he wants to do so, he will and I will support him. If not, ot doesn't change how I feel about him and about marrying him. I believe he is a better person than me and has influenced my life for the better. The fact he is not confirmed does not change anything. However, I do want to marry in the Church an bring up my children as Catholics. He supports that. Unfortunately for me, my religion does not support my choices as much.

Riss91 · January 2012

Hey now - I wasn't badgering you about it, I just wanted to understand why he wouldn't want to be confirmed, so I could give you more specific direction. Please don't blame our faith for having rules and structure. Trust me, there are really good reasons for them! I know it isn't easy to go through all of this and it's okay to be a bit frustrated. I think the best thing would be for your husband to speak to a priest directly about his feelings towards the faith. If you were uncomfortable with the priest you already met with, find another one. There are plenty out there and you're sure to find a caring priest that will be easier to talk to. Chin up, all is not lost!

Eliz77 · January 2012

I apologize if I came across as lashing out at you. I'm not. It's just frustrations in general. We are going to talk to a different priest as the one we have spoken to didn;t feel "right" to us in general. My intention in starting this thread is to see what others in my shoes have done as well as see what other options there may be. I really hope to be married in the Church!

Riss91 · January 2012

It's okay - I would feel very frustrated too! I mean, it does seem silly that a Catholic marring a non-Catholic would have an easier time than a Catholic marrying a baptized/not confirmed Catholic. I haven't ever seen/heard of someone in your exact situation, so it's hard to give specific advice. If your FI is somewhat neutral regarding being confirmed, it might make sense for him to at least start some of the classes, to get the ball rolling. Learning more about the faith will likely help him make a more definitive decision regarding his faith.

Please let us know what the priest says, because I'm genuinely curious! Hang in there and please stick around!

Eliz77 · January 2012

Here;s the problem though-confirmation classes (at least around here) start in the fall and confirmation takes place around Easter, so not sure how that helps us since we want to be married in July. I will talk to another priest this week and hopefully he can offer me advice.

bibliophile2010 · January 2012

Again, talk to the priest who you finally decide to work with.

Has your fiance received his first communion? If so, it is possible to expedite the confirmation process. For example, you may be able to find a parish that offers an 8 or 10 week adult confirmation class in the spring. It is also possible to go through catechesis in preparation for the sacraments of initiation outside of the formal "walls" of RCIA classes (eg private meetings). A priest who is adamant about confirmation-before-wedding should be able to work with you on finding a solution. If none can be found, this might qualify as a situation where confirmation is not feasible. The priest may, however, want affirmation that your fi will go through RCIA next year. If he makes a promise to that end, he should be make a good-faith effort to follow through with it.

It might also prove to be a chance for your fi to make an adult decision about his faith, grow closer to God, etc. Many people need an adult conversion experience to come alive in the faith we were just sort of given as children or to develop faith totally anew.

Best of luck. I truly hope that you are able to work something out with the priests your are meeting with. *sending prayers your way*

Eliz77 · January 2012

The priest we did talk to requested my FI be enrolled in classes, so I assume that is an option.

I feel my FI and I share the same beliefs, morals and values and that he reality is he pretty much lives as a Catholic, so committing himself to our faith is not a big adjustment. He already has acknowledged he supports my intentions to raise our children in the Church. Really, it is a time crunch at this point, so I feel it is more a matter of will it be possible in our time frame?

Thank you so much for your prayers! I believe all WILL work out.

professorscience · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-marrying-non-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2adb2e77-c170-4c23-a228-83799e770352Post:fc15a673-db15-4f2e-97e7-df72f4736b31">Re: Catholic marrying a non-Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]The priest we did talk to requested my FI be enrolled in classes, so I assume that is an option. I feel my FI and I share the same beliefs, morals and values and that he reality is he pretty much lives as a Catholic, so committing himself to our faith is not a big adjustment. He already has acknowledged he supports my intentions to raise our children in the Church.<strong> Really, it is a time crunch at this point, so I feel it is more a matter of will it be possible in our time frame?</strong> Thank you so much for your prayers! I believe all WILL work out.
Posted by Eliz77[/QUOTE]

<div>That is always a concern. I would advise against putting any money down on things like your reception venue until you're assured you can get married on the day you want.</div>

Eliz77 · January 2012

Doesn't really matter...I plan to get married this summer. Either the Church will work with me and my FI or they will not. We're flexible on the dates, but due to other family events and personal things, we are going to pick a July/August date. I am conflicted as it is important to be to be married in the Church, but getting married and starting our future is most important. The venue where we'd like to have reception is our last resort for ceremony, but I am hoping it does not come to that.

I talk to the priest at the parish I recently joined tomorrow (recently moved to a new town). On one hand, it could be meaningfiul to marry there as this will be our home town and where we raise our children. If that fails, there are another two Churches in the area that also has special meaning to us (I was baptized/received communion at one, his Dad is an active member in another) so will try them as plan C and D...) Wish me luck!

Eliz77 · January 2012

I realize that. I also realize marrying my soulmate and starting our family IS very important to me. I'll see where I get talking with different priests and going from there. I am not going to sacrifice my future if the Church won't marry us as is.

professorscience · January 2012

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I feel like you're just being impatient. The church doesn't have these policies to "annoy" you. It's the reason most churches require a couple seeking to be married to contact them at least six months out. Marriage and family are not decisions to be taken lightly, and the church wants you to make sure everything is in order before you enter what should be a lifelong commitment.

I hope that everything works out for you.

Eliz77 · January 2012

I'm sure I come off s sounding "annoyed" and "impatient" but none of my concerns will be resolved by waiting longer. I do have some questions and there are certain things I don't agree with, but the one thing I do know is getting married and starting a family with my FI is right and is important to me. I am 35 years old and been with my FI for 7 years. We both have worked very hard and made sacrifices to get to this point. It saddens me that my faith may not support the choices we have made along the way. I was brought up Catholic and to believe, not question. But we'll see if things will work out as we'd like.

agapecarrie · January 2012

Well, if you wait, your FI could have the graces from the sacraments. If you don't, there are serious consequences, and no grace. Don't take grace for granted.

You say you want to "get married" yet we are trying to tell you that you will not "be married" if you marry outside the church. The state does not have the authority to marry you. Only God does. This is one of the reasons I question the fact that there are civil marriages. People don't seem to understand that just because the law says you are married doesn't mean you are. There is a real spiritual reality going on, and that is the one that matters.

The faith isn't the one abandoning or "not supporting" you. You would be making your own choices against the church. I recommend readings some writings about the saints and their enduring sufferings and increasing patience.

Eliz77 · January 2012

I NEVER said I wanted to marry outside the Church. Ever. I just re-read my original post and see I left our two important details, one that was already pointed out (that my FI is baptized Catholic, not a non-Catholic as title suggested) and two that our reception hall has a "road priest" that would've married us. That was my back up plan and one I didn't really want to do, but would as a last resort.

I may be Catholic and raised with the failth, but I also do respect that not everyone feels or believes the same. I respect other people's marriages, even if they do not marry in the Church, as being real. I also respect some may feel differently.

So, to those that offered advice and well-wishes, thank you. And for those that wanted to know the conclusion:

Luckily for us, the monsignor at my new Church in town was very nice and welcoming. Originally I had hoped to marry in my Grandparents' Church where my parent married and where I stood as a Godparent, Confirmation Sponsor (x3) and MOH and also because it is a Cathedral. I know it is not a good excuse-my new Church is a contemporary building and I just don't have any history...yet. I am looking at it as the 1st step towards building new meaningful memories. While the monsignor advised my FI get to know our religion better, he made no implications that he was a sinner or wrong or whatever for not being confirmed. He was very encouraging and pretty much echoed a lot of what we have been discussing already (bringing up children in the church would be better/easier if both parents were on the same page, the importance of religion/faith in our daily home life etc). We will proceed with our wedding plans as is, no restrictions, no looking down on our choices, no passing judgements. It was a great meeting and I think one that completely erased our previous meeting and will pave the way for even better things in the future.

I do apologize if I seemed frustrated and impatient. I was overwhelmed and stressed because I do care and this is an important topic. Thank you for baring with me!

agapecarrie · January 2012

Yes you did say that. You said this:

"Doesn't really matter...I plan to get married this summer. Either the Church will work with me and my FI or they will not. We're flexible on the dates, but due to other family events and personal things, we are going to pick a July/August date. I am conflicted as it is important to be to be married in the Church, but getting married and starting our future is most important. The venue where we'd like to have reception is our last resort for ceremony, but I am hoping it does not come to that."

The catholic church believes that non-Catholics are validly married wherever they choose to do so. We "respect" their marriages. Catholics have to have the correct form and matter for a valid sacrament. Just as the state has rules for validity of marriages, so do Catholics. If a couple from the US decide to just go off by themsleves and declare themselves married, they would not be considered civily married. The same goes for Catholics...they have to follow the rules of their faith in order to be considered married.

agapecarrie · January 2012

a "road priest" ? (road? is this correct?) that marries people at a receptoin hall is most likely not in communion with Rome and obedient to his diocese, so the marriage wouldn't be considered valid and in the church anyway.

professorscience · January 2012

I'm glad everything has worked out for you.

I'm also sorry if you feel like people here are judging you.

Eliz77 · January 2012

Like I said in my previous post-I left out the bit about the "road priest" officiating at the venue as a last resort. I did not mean to imply I would get married by some random person at the reception hall. I never called this "road priest" so I cannot say what it all entails. The wedding coordinator told me he has done weddings at the site before. Because I did not think that ever happened, I went online and started browsing various forums. I discovered that people have/do do this, as long as the Bishop grants them permission. No idea how it flies, just reporting what I was told/have read. That was why I said if I cannot figure out how to have a Catholic wedding, in Church, that would be my last resort. Obviously it was made in a more panicked, defensive tone. For that I apologize.

Regardless, as I learned today, the posters who advised me to speak to someone else were correct because our meeting today put us both at ease and in belief we made the correct choice. The 1st one we spoke to obviously was not a good choice for us and even had my FI gone through with being confirmed, I would not have been comfortable with him marrying us. It left a bad taste with both us and today's meeting was a complete 180.

bibliophile2010 · January 2012

I'm really glad that things are going to work out for you.

I really hope that you and your fiance take the new priest's advice and continue to get to know and grow in your faith -- it is a journey we are all on. It is amazing what the Holy Spirit can do when he's working with an open heart.

Please stick around, get to know us, and let us get to know you, too.

Eliz77 · January 2012

Thank you. That is the plan!

princessbride1981 · January 2012

agapecarrie Caholics such as yourself are part of the reason for the decline of the church. You're stuck in the archaic middle ages. Perhaps you'd like to start your own crusades.

The truth is that the time and age we live in, certain things don't apply as they used to. Things change, and the church changes. The catholic church welcomes all, and does not shun you as it would have years ago for making life decisions other than that of what is taught.

I appreciate your opinion, but realize that it's just that, an opinion. You may share the same opinion as certain preists, but luckily for the rest of us that do not expressly live by sctripture written 2000 years ago, there are more understaning, compassionate modern priests out there.

I really think you need to update your bleiefs before you make any more judgemental, archaic comments.

Catholic marrying a non-Catholic

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