Wedding Party-- Advice

LJ825 · February 2010

Ok I have 9 bridesmaids and Im getting married in 12 days and none of them have done anything to help me, my maid of honor hasnt even called or contacted me to see if I needed any help whatsovever, I had to plan my shower and bachelorette party. It was a nightmare. Is it normal that I feel bitter and angry and hurt when I thought these people really wanted to be there and cared for me and when all this time, I was basically alone. Im at the point where I dont even care if they show up ot the wedding or not, because they didnt do anything.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

1) It isn't their job to help you plan your wedding. All they have to do is get a dress and show up. Everything else is optional, and because they want to. They haven't done anything wrong.

2) It's incredibly rude to throw your own shower/b-party. I guess that ship has sailed, but wow.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

They're not required to do anything except get the dress and show up. It kind of sucks if they didn't offer to do anything extra, but maybe they're just not into weddings. (Planning your own shower and bachelorette party was a MAJOR faux pas, though.)

Just let it go, and focus on the fact that you're getting married in less than two weeks. "Bridesmaid" is a way of recognizing your closest friends, not your best wedding helpers.

trix1223 · February 2010

Lacie, before getting into all that's wrong with your post, I think you should delete this. Just by knowing your full name, and where you live, a quick search also let me know where you work, and where you went to college. How much more do you think someone could find out. Internet safety please.

You were wrong to plan your own shower. You were wrong to plan your own b-party. You were wrong to think that your BMs HAD to do this for you.

As for the girls not contacting you.....if only someone would invent something where you could call OUT instead of only receiving calls.

I'm hoping that this is MUD.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:4adcd666-46af-42f3-8cd9-a9ee8b277796">Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I have 9 bridesmaids and Im getting married in 12 days and none of them have done anything to help me, my maid of honor hasnt even called or contacted me to see if I needed any help whatsovever, I had to plan my shower and bachelorette party. It was a nightmare. Is it normal that I feel bitter and angry and hurt when I thought these people really wanted to be there and cared for me and when all this time, I was basically alone. Im at the point where I dont even care if they show up ot the wedding or not, because they didnt do anything.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

CTGirl30 · February 2010

Please remove your full name from your signature - these boards are public and anyone on the internet can read and then Google you...who knows what creepers are out there. With that said...

It is very bad etiquette to plan one's own shower & bach party...the bride is never supposed to throw her own shower or bach party - if your BMs (or someone else such as aunt, family friend, etc) don't / doesn't host a party for you then it's disappointing but you don't get one. It happens for some brides - nobody is OWED a shower or a bach party. And it's in very poor taste to throw your own - "Come to my party I am throwing for myself and give me gifts!" That is the message it sends.

Are you being the kind of friend to them you want them to be to you? Are you making time to call them to catch up and stay involved (NOT discussing your wedding but their lives and all the stuff you talked about before becoming engaged?) Some people just aren't that into weddings - esp when it's not their own...

mbcdefg · February 2010

Maybe they're pissed off that you planned your own shower and bachelorette party.

Really, you didn't realize that that wasn't good manners? To plan yourself not one, but TWO parties? Especially a shower, where the entire point is for people to give you presents?

Either you have 9 friends who never did a thing in their life for another person (and therefore wouldn't start just because you were getting married), or you somehow managed to piss off 9 separate people enough to the point where they just don't give a rat's _ass that you are getting married.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Your BMs ≠ your wedding planners. They are your friends standing up for you while you get married. They don't owe you anything. You can't be bitter that they didn't help. Disappointed, yes. Bitter, no.

LJ825 · February 2010

I guess I disagree I just think whats the point of having bridemaids if they are not going to particpate and help, and I dont mean financially or anything like that. I mean going wtih you to pick out bridesmaids dresses. I know they are not obligated by any means, but I guess I expected more out of this. I see my other friends get married and they have a total support system from their bridal party and I just thought that is how its supposed to be and it wasnt like that for me. I dont feel Im being rude about any of this though. And yes I shouldnt have thrown my own shower, my mom did but none of them did anything to help out so it was just me or my mom that did it and planned it.

mbcdefg · February 2010

Well, you WERE rude to plan your own shower and bachelorette. Even if you feel that you weren't. That's just common good manners, not a matter of personal interpretation. You are not owed these parties, so therefore it's not a matter of someone dropping the ball if they didn't throw you one ... it's a matter of someone deciding not to do this for you as a gift. If nobody else threw them for you, then the polite thing to do would've just been to suck it up and accept it (not saying that you cannot be disappointed, because that's only natural, but it WAS rude to throw your own - or assist your mother with throwing one, you should've backed out and let her plan the whole thing).

Why did you ask them to be BMs in the first place? Because they're your friends, right? Was this always typicaly behavior of them? Like I said before ... you either picked 9 really crappy friends, or somewhere along the line the 9 of them just stopped caring about you for some reason.

I find it really odd that ALL NINE didn't show any interest in your wedding. Something must have happened.

ohwhynot · February 2010

mbcdefg - ditto to everything you wrote. How can 9 (9!) of your bestest friends decide to do NOTHING and show no support (however you define that) throughout your entire engagement, wedding planning, and preparation, and now it's 12 days to go and you're angry, bitter, and resentful of your 9 (9!) bffs? The mind boggles.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

If they showed absolutely no interest in anything wedding-related then probably one of the following happened:

1. They aren't "wedding people" and this is not out of character.

2. You did something to upset them and they are retaliating by not helping you.

3. You weren't very good friends to begin with.

It sucks. But frankly once you get married you won't care who helped you with what. It's too happy a time in your life to be bitter and focus on what people aren't doing for you. Focus on what people are doing.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

If 9 separate people are not talking to you, it's not them, it's you.

If you aren't willing to admit that you've screwed up here, there's not much we can do.

LJ825 · February 2010

My Mom is the one that threw the Shower ok. Other then that my mom and me had to do everything at the shower. How is that rude. I wasnt about to put everything on her, she's done so much for me already.

I want to experience the same things like every other bride by having someone throw me a shower and a bachelorette party, I dont think thats too much to ask. Yeah well I guess I just have people I thought were my true friends and I have this to add to my life lessons. I didnt come on here to be insulted

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Yeah, it kind of sucks and is disappointing if they don't want to help, but they're not obligated and it's not okay to be upset with them for it. They're probably just not that interested in other peoples' weddings. The point of bridesmaids is to honor your closest friends, not to get help in planning an unnecessary event preceded by unneccesary parties.

You should not have planned your own bachelorette and shower. They are a bonus, not a right, and your bridesmaids are not obligated to plan them. Actually, anyone can offer to plan them except for the bride and groom.

LJ825 · February 2010

No this has been throughout the entire year that its been eating at me not just the last 12 days, I just thought I would ask around and see what others thought its not like its just affecting me now. Its been bothering me the whole year of my wedding planning.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No one's insulting you at all. But it's pretty rare that 9 people you were close to suddenly stopped caring. Either all 9 are conspiring to hurt you or you need to look inside yourself. I'm willing to bet it's a combination.

When did the shower planning start? Was it long ago or pretty last minute? I'm a BM in a wedding next year. The other BMs and I want to throw the bride a bach party (family tends to throw the shower in our circle). Like normal people, we will start planning a couple months before the wedding. If the bride starts planning her own thing 6 months in advance, I frankly will be a little insulted and not willing to do much because that sends a strong message that the bride thinks I'm going to disappoint her before I've even been given a chance. Did something like that happen here?

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:88ec7037-146c-4f77-bf11-ed26c3ccbb26">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My Mom is the one that threw the Shower ok. Other then that my mom and me had to do everything at the shower. How is that rude.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

You still had a hand in planning it. It's nice that you didn't want your mother to do all the work, but it's still a party intended for people to give YOU presents. Therefore, that's why it's considered a big faux pas for the bride to be involved in it.

[QUOTE]
I didnt come on here to be insulted
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

You have not been insulted. People are just telling you the reasons why your BMs might be unwilling to do nice things for you.

But, frankly, if you are the type of person unwilling to accept a bit of blame, and instead prefer to place 100% of the blame on other people (which is the vibe I'm getting from this post) ... then I'd be willing to bet that that's the reason why these 9 bridesmaids really don't care about making you happy. This entire post has been about defending your own actions and insisting that the bridesmaids are squarely to blame for this bad experience.

LJ825 · February 2010

I never said they werent talking to me or anything like that you are taking this totally out of context and missing the subject matter to what i originally posted. It wasnt about if something happened between them. Yes, we all communicate and talk to each other, i just thought it would be different, I didnt think I would come post something on here and get so much negative feedback and judgement that Im the one to blame. You know there are traditions and things that are done differently in different places and states.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:556da990-527e-487f-84bb-44a551a5ebfe">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]No this has been throughout the entire year that its been eating at me not just the last 12 days, I just thought I would ask around and see what others thought its not like its just affecting me now. Its been bothering me the whole year of my wedding planning.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

Have they been good friends to you outside of wedding planning? Or have you all become distant, friendship-wise?

Did you ever ask them what was up?

Were they always the type of people to be helpful and supportive and now that's changed? Or were they always the types of people who didn't show an interest in you?

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

What do you want to hear? That all 9 of them independently suck for not throwing parties and going with you to appointments? And all 9 of them independently dropped the ball, and all 9 of them are being ridiculous for not calling you? Seriously?

There is no possible way you are real.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

[QUOTE]My Mom is the one that threw the Shower ok. Other then that my mom and me had to do everything at the shower. How is that rude. I wasnt about to put everything on her, she's done so much for me already.[/QUOTE]
The bolded portion of that is the rude part. Your mom could have asked others whether they wanted to help - an aunt, a close friend of hers, your bridesmaids. It's rude to participate in planning an event for which the sole purpose is to give you gifts.

[QUOTE] I want to experience the same things like every other bride by having someone throw me a shower and a bachelorette party, I dont think thats too much to ask.[/QUOTE]
Not everyone gets a shower and a bachelorette. If you didn't have one, you would not be the first bride not to get one, nor would you be the last.

[QUOTE] Yeah well I guess I just have people I thought were my true friends and I have this to add to my life lessons.[/QUOTE]
Your friends not planning parties or offering to help with the wedding doesn't necessarily mean they aren't true friends, just that they aren't interested in your wedding. Either they aren't interested in weddings in general, or something has happened to make them not interested in your wedding in particular. They may still be great friends and fully supportive of your marriage.

[QUOTE] I didnt come on here to be insulted
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]
Being told that something you did was rude =/= being insulted.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:e6857a75-41fa-4345-b4f5-acd58bd3e640">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Party-- Advice :
But, frankly, if you are the type of person unwilling to accept a bit of blame, and instead prefer to place 100% of the blame on other people (which is the vibe I'm getting from this post) ... then I'd be willing to bet that that's the reason why these 9 bridesmaids really don't care about making you happy. This entire post has been about defending your own actions and insisting that the bridesmaids are squarely to blame for this bad experience.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:eb026b2a-f310-4338-bb14-7073d38492ef">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said they werent talking to me or anything like that you are taking this totally out of context and missing the subject matter to what i originally posted. It wasnt about if something happened between them. Yes, we all communicate and talk to each other, i just thought it would be different, I didnt think I would come post something on here and get so much negative feedback and judgement that Im the one to blame. You know there are traditions and things that are done differently in different places and states.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

Case in point.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Movies and TV and magazines have totally warped reality when it comes to weddings. Most friends will ask about wedding planning, but they're doing it to be polite, not because they're actually falling over themselves with excitement. It's not realistic. It sounds like maybe you had some sky-high expectations about a level of excitement that just wasn't realistic.

I still think there's something going on that you haven't mentioned because, again, if all 9 BMs did this, absent some sort of Mean Girls conspiracy there has to be something else here.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

[QUOTE]I never said they werent talking to me or anything like that you are taking this totally out of context and missing the subject matter to what i originally posted. It wasnt about if something happened between them. Yes, we all communicate and talk to each other, i just thought it would be different, I didnt think I would come post something on here and get so much negative feedback and judgement that Im the one to blame. You know there are traditions and things that are done differently in different places and states.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]
Disappointed is normal. Bitter, angry, etc. is not. Local and cultural traditions do vary but I'm not understanding how that is applicable to this particular situation. If you're looking for validation, your club board may be helpful.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

Just curious, have you tried talking to them about anything OTHER than wedding planning this whole time? I get the impression that you've been all wedding, all the time. Any time someone gets so one note about anything, wedding or otherwise, people stop wanting to talk to them. I hid my brother from my Facebook news feed because his posts were nothing but rabidly pro-conservative and pro-Microsoft, and it got old. I still love him, but it's still annoying.

LJ825 · February 2010

I just wanted to see other peoples prespective ok. And yes I'm a very real person ok. Who are you to say Im not real when you dont even know the full situation and you dont even know me as a person to even post that.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

No one is insulting you, they are telling you that your actions were wrong.

You choose BMs to honor them as your closest friends, not to help you plan. WHile you might be disappointed, it is not ok to plan your own shower, or have your mom do it out of a sense of obligation. It is also not ok to plan your own bachelorette. These are gifts that are given to you. Perhaps your BMs want to give you other gifts. Just because its tradition doesn't mean it HAS to happen. I don't get either one of those parties, but that's just the way it happens sometimes.

If your 9BMs support your relationship, and want to be there with you, in the prescribed attire, at the right time, and they act appropriately, then you have nothing to complain about. BMs are there for emotional support as your friends, not your planning army.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No, you wanted everyone to say "Oh, honey, that's so terrible of them, they totally dropped the ball and you should just cut them all off forever."

No one has said you don't have a right to be disappointed. On the contrary, just about everyone has said that it's perfectly valid to be disappointed. But when all 9 of your BMs act this way, you have to look at yourself. Maybe you did nothing. But you have to at least be open to the possibility that there's something else going on.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:4373f5b5-a27e-4e5d-b655-0624d7ad17d1">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to see other peoples prespective ok. And yes I'm a very real person ok. Who are you to say Im not real when you dont even know the full situation and you dont even know me as a person to even post that.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

You ARE getting other people's "perspective." And the general concensus is:

1. You have some shiity friends that have always been shiity.

2. Something happened somewhere along the line - possibly something you did - to piss these 9 girls off.

9 friends don't just turn cold and uncaring overnight ... either they were always like that, or there was a situation that made them stop caring about you and your wedding.

I don't get what you're arguing with us about here. If it's not #1 or #2, then what do YOU think happened? Again, have you TALKED to any of these girls about what's up? Did you ever request help, or are you just angry that they didn't offer it on their own? If you say you're still friends with them outside of wedding plans, then did it ever occur to you that maybe they just don't like weddings even though they like YOU?

How old are all these girls? Do they have jobs/income and cars to get places? Have they ever been in weddings before, or is this their first one?

Being super-defensive and yelling at all of us for giving your our opinions, and pulling out the cliched ol' "You don't know me!" line is not helping your case, because this is usually what happens when the fault actually lies with the poster and she just doesn't want to admit it. True, it's not ALWAYS the poster's fault, but in about 95% of situations where she reacts this way, it is.

LJ825 · February 2010

I didnt come on here so people could give me pity or feel sorry for me, I just wanted to see if anyone else went through the same thing and just to get some sort of advice from other brides. I just thought it would have been different that more would have participated. This is my first rodeo. Im not supposed to have all the answers, I just thought I would inquire to see if anyone else had something like this or could relate in a way. That was it it wasnt for people to say OHHHH Poor Thing trust me, I dont need sympathy or pity. I never went on the community board, its been bothering me, I just wanted other brides opinions.

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