Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
jaydee12
member
MOH Selection - will it hurt her feelings or be a relief?
Okay so first of all I am kind of an alternative bride, not big on attendands, flower girls, sit down dinners, ballrooms, etc.
However, my fiance wants to have his brother as best man, which means I have to pick at maid of honor. The obvious choice would be my best gal pal of 4 years and travel buddy, who also gets along great with my fiance and even gave the "ring approval". (*important note: I also work with her too). We already spend a lot of time together with work, traveling a few times a year, hanging out in general...
But we were both bridesmaids to really intense bridezillas 2 summers ago, I was in 1 wedding, she was in 3. She was maid of honor in 1 and bridesmaid in the other 2. It was awful for both of us, a ton of money, rediculous demands, and the friends call every 6 months now and barely make an effort. Believe me we have spent plenty of time complaining and saying NEVER AGAIN. Being a bridesmaid is often the kiss of death to a friendship. Which I definitely don't want to happen with us...but my fiance says she is the obvious choice.
Most of my growing up pals that have been friends since 13 all live around the country and so choosing one of them would not be fair, because they all live in other states...
And I am a little embarassed to admit, I do want the bridal showers and parties, help choosing flowers and cake, someone who will be excited about the wedding with me. So, I was thinking about asking my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) instead...she is really big on all the family party, shower, renunion stuff - although we are not close and she lives 2 hours away.
How is that for harboring a secret bridezilla - I want someone who will do everything I hated doing without hating me for it!
Should I choose the friend and pay for/plan everything for her so she won't think I am awful or choose the sister-in-law of 10 years that I barely know?
However, my fiance wants to have his brother as best man, which means I have to pick at maid of honor. The obvious choice would be my best gal pal of 4 years and travel buddy, who also gets along great with my fiance and even gave the "ring approval". (*important note: I also work with her too). We already spend a lot of time together with work, traveling a few times a year, hanging out in general...
But we were both bridesmaids to really intense bridezillas 2 summers ago, I was in 1 wedding, she was in 3. She was maid of honor in 1 and bridesmaid in the other 2. It was awful for both of us, a ton of money, rediculous demands, and the friends call every 6 months now and barely make an effort. Believe me we have spent plenty of time complaining and saying NEVER AGAIN. Being a bridesmaid is often the kiss of death to a friendship. Which I definitely don't want to happen with us...but my fiance says she is the obvious choice.
Most of my growing up pals that have been friends since 13 all live around the country and so choosing one of them would not be fair, because they all live in other states...
And I am a little embarassed to admit, I do want the bridal showers and parties, help choosing flowers and cake, someone who will be excited about the wedding with me. So, I was thinking about asking my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) instead...she is really big on all the family party, shower, renunion stuff - although we are not close and she lives 2 hours away.
How is that for harboring a secret bridezilla - I want someone who will do everything I hated doing without hating me for it!
Should I choose the friend and pay for/plan everything for her so she won't think I am awful or choose the sister-in-law of 10 years that I barely know?
Definitely on a budget and without kids.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MOH Selection - will it hurt her feelings or be a relief?
I love my best friend and she's an obvious choice for my MOH, but my SIL who I don't know would likely throw me parties and help me out more, so I'm thinking about picking her even though she lives 2 hrs away and I don't know her too well.
Don't pick parties over your friend.
My Chart
By the way, wedding party members don't have to throw you prewedding parties--it's not an obligation, and other people might offer anyway. I don't have a wedding party, and I had a lovely shower that my aunt threw for me.
The solution is easy. Pick your best friend and don't act like an ass hat bridezilla. Loads of people are still just as close (if not closer) with their MOH after the wedding.
It sounds like it wasn't buying one dress or planning one party that made you both hate your prior MOH experiences -- it was a culmination of exhorbitant expenses and ungracious demands. Don't do that and you'll be fine.
Alternatively, there is no reason you have to have MOH just because your Fi is having a best man. If you really don't want one, don't do it. And don't pick someone you're not close to simply because you think she'll plan stuff for you. You'll probably only end up disappointed.
HOWEVER: that also means you shoudln't expect too much from her. Sure you watn the parties, but you can't force her to do them for you (or plan them yourself, which will make her feel like crap and is bad etiquette anyway). Choose her because you love her and want her to stand with you. Not because you want her to throw you showers and b-parties.
Choosing your SIL you aren't close with just to throw you parties is a jerk move and I think you know it.
Talk to your friend and tell her you really want her by your side on the big day, BUT you completely understand if she's not comfortable being a MOH due to past experiences.
And then don't be a jerk and expect her to throw you a bunch of parties. If she wants to then great.
Or just don't have a MOH
What I am REALLY SAYING is - My best friend means so much to me that I would let her off the hook and find someone who WANTS to do that stuff or do it myself because I don't want to damage our relationship by treating her in a way that we both; 1) have already been treated too, 2) have discussed at length in a VERY negative way and remember painfully, 3) have basically ended other friendships over and 4) BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT HER FEELINGS ON THE MATTER
1) you should definitely ask your best friend to be a maid of honor b/c you will want her around ut just try not to be high maintenance about hair, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. If your friend does throw you a shower, keep the guest list small (i even was a bm for a shower that was a picnic ). If she throws you a bach, try not to be demanding .
2) you could still ask the FSIL to be a bm or co-maid of honor if you really want to and if you think that she is genuinely excited for you but it sounds like you don't really want to/don't really know her...just wanted to remind you it's not an either-or scenario but your question suggests you want your best friend there.
Another thing: I kinda believe that if you make the right decisions picking people to be in your wedding, things will work out the way they're supposed to. I asked my only sister to be my MOH. She's always been shy, has never planned a party in her life, hates wearing dresses, generally hates formal occasions... but she has so totally come out of her shell and thrown herself into this, and all of her own doing. I think we're closer now than we've ever been, and we were pretty close even before the wedding. And if my sister had somehow decided not to throw a shower, there were two friends of FMIL who were chomping at the bit to do it - I practically had to beat them off with a stick while I was waiting for my sister to decide to bring it up. So maybe if your MOH friend doesn't throw a shower, your party-loving SIL will step in anyway. Things will happen.
And pre-wedding parties don't have to be expensive. We're having my shower in a nature center in my hometown (my sister and mom are on the environmental commission) and my sister and I will be DIY-ing all the food the day before and the morning of the shower. Technically the bride is not supposed to be involved in doing anything for the shower, but I kinda think that's between you and your MOH. Let her decide to bring it up and let her plan it, but if it makes you feel better to offer yourself as a work slave, nobody has to know but you two.
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
Thanks again!