Judged Because You're Not Married?

[Deleted User] · October 2010

In my last post, some of you mentioned that pressure from society drives our desire to get married, own homes, have babies... While I've always known I've wanted these things for myself, I do believe unmarried gals in serious relationships face pressure to "hurry up and get there".

I was a bridesmaid in a girlfriend's wedding last year, and one of the groomsmen actually said "oh, you're the commitmentaphobe" upon meeting me. Since we hadn't ever met before, I assumed it was because I was the only unmarried wedding party member. I thought it was quite an assumption given the fact that he did not know me, my BF or anything about our reasons for waiting to tie the knot.

Anyone else on here feel that people have misjudged their relationship due to the fact that no ring is currently involved?

loves2shop4shoes · October 2010

Hmm... before I got engaged I did.

See, I'm Portuguese, so in my culture, you MUST marry the first man you bring home. Well, I made the mistake of bring my high school sweetheart around my family. After that, any time I'd mention FI, my uncle (who had a VERY public extramarital affair) ask me how many boyfriends I had. So I sweetly replied, "Well, uncle, I think it's a good idea to date around BEFORE you get married, don't you?"

And he never brought it up again.

breezerb · October 2010

Honestly, I think everytime I talk to a friend or family member from back home (We live an hour away and don't get home as often as we'd like) there is always some sort of a comment or joke. It's never meant to be hurtful but sometimes it does. All you can do is be secure in your choices and show everyone how happy and confident you are with you relationship.

Well that and everytime someone asks when were getting married, I tell them that we add an extra month for every person that asks... and now we are up to 21 1/2 years. This usually shuts them up.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

BF & I have known each other for 22 years but we've only been in a relationship for 10 months... I haven't experienced anyone judging our relationship because we're not engaged, yet... but due to the circumstances of our past (ie. how long we've known each other) I do feel the pressure for us to get married... When BF first asked me to go out to dinner the first thing out of his sisters mouth was "you'll be my sister-in-law!" and not any halfway-sane variation of that either... like "If it works out, you could end up being my sister-in-law" LOL just "YOU'LL BE MY SISTER-IN-LAW!! I didnt even have the chance to assess whether or not BF was asking me to go to dinner just as a friend or if he was asking me on a date... LOL

Since then, our respective parents refer to us as their son-/daughter-in=law... his niece and nephew call me Aunt Liza... and to keep up with the jokes we refer to each other's parents as -in-laws... but when I sit back and think about it rationally, it feels like so much pressure... I even told BF the other night that if we don't get married we're gonna end up breaking all of their hearts... I expressed my feelings about it a little to my mother and she said "I'm not trying to pressure you guys... I just really like him and I really like you two together..." I agree that we're great together but a relationship is hard enough without everyone elses opinions and pressures...

EDIT: My grandmother is the worst of the bunch because she's known us both since we were little kids and she's been secretly hoping that we end up together since they first introduced us... and every time we see her, without fail, she asks "when is the wedding?? you know I'm getting old and I'd like to see you two get married!!" OK GRANDMA, RIGHT AWAY!! LOL

katanne9 · October 2010

Hmm, I never really felt judged because I wasn't married.

I think a lot of people feel judged, when they don't feel confident that they are "only" dating. I'm not saying this is true of you, but it is true of many girls that come on this site - hence the need to be engaged.

And that groomsman is just a dirtbag. I do think you took quite the leap in your assumptions though.

HeartOverMind · October 2010

I haven't been judged. But that's probably because I'm still young and I have "tons of time" and my family wants me to finish school and get settled in a career. But this has just been my experience. I'm sure if enough years go by and we still are not engaged and/or married then people might start to judge, but they can say whatever they want. If BF and I are happy, then that's all that matters.

heyimbren · October 2010

I get the opposite. Most people I know assume I won't be getting engaged for another 10 years. There's nothing wrong with that, and who knows, I might not get engaged until then but... it's still kind of annoying having everyone assume that you wouldn't consider marriage for another 10 years.

Actually, I do have a friend that makes comments that always rub me the wrong way. She has this way of making me feel like I need to be engagedrightthisverysecond like she is. And she brings it up allll the time. I'm hoping that the novelty will eventually wear off.

HeartOverMind · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:730ee1c9-b7ca-4a0c-885d-4d72b377e20a">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get the opposite. Most people I know assume I won't be getting engaged for another 10 years. There's nothing wrong with that, and who knows, I might not get engaged until then but... <strong>it's still kind of annoying having everyone assume that you wouldn't consider marriage for another 10 years.</strong>Actually, I do have a friend that makes comments that always rub me the wrong way. She has this way of making me feel like I need to be engagedrightthisverysecond like she is. And she brings it up allll the time. I'm hoping that the novelty will eventually wear off.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way. My grandma always says "You better not be thinking of getting married." Or she used to tell me to tell my guys friends when I was younger "Don't talk to me until you have a Doctorate's".

It really bothers me. I think I'm old enough to make decisions in my own life and I'm also old enough to know what's a good idea and what's not. I know getting married rightnowthisverysecond is really stupid. I know I want to at least be done with my Bachelor's degree before I seriously think of getting married. I just don't appreciate people telling me what to do and what not to think as if I were a child. I think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders.

Anyway..sorry for the rant!

purplepeopleeater11 · October 2010

I don't think I've ever been judged but BF takes a lot of heat. BF is 12 years older and his family/coworkers/friends constantly harass him about when it's going to happen. Because I'm significantly younger I don't really get bothered by people because like Heart said they still consider me to be "young."

calindi · October 2010

My family and friends don't usually make comments like that, but occasionally complete strangers drive me up the wall. That said, everytime I go home, my neighbors want to know if I'm engaged yet. It's a rather common topic of conversation, but I don't really feel any pressure from them. When my Mom put up balloons for my grandma's birthday a few weeks ago, the neighbors came over to ask if they were up to celebrate an engagement. Harmless nosy caring neighbors, that's all.

Examples of annoyances?

1) Going through immigration at the airport on the way back from Europe, the border patrol officer asked if we were married (nope), if we lived together (yep), and if the trip to Europe was a pre-honeymoon (uh... no!). Then he had the audacity to ask why we didn't get engaged in Europe. Ugh! What are you supposed to say to that?! I said something to the effect of, "We don't feel that we need an excuse to have an awesome vacation."

2) My asshat grandmother, who proceeded to tell me during her visit two weeks ago that my boyfriend doesn't really love me since he moved away to go to law school (I moved down to Florida to follow him), and that if he really loved me, he would have stayed in DC where we lived at the time and not have gone to law school at all since I'm the one with an income in our home right now. Then she proceeded to say he won't ever want to marry me since we live together. If she had opened her mouth to say one word of that stupid saying about "cows" and "free milk", I would have told her exactly who was the cow in the room.

3) Several of my friends have asked if we got engaged in Europe - a perfectly fair question, as I myself had thought several months ago when we first booked the trip that it would be an ideal proposal opportunity. But asking IF we got engaged is totally different than asking WHY WE DIDN'T! Some of my less-close friends have been asking why we didn't get engaged. Who the heck asks that kind of question?!

bethsmiles · October 2010

Everyone wants me and my BF to get married (well not his friend that I hate but he doesn't count). I feel pressure sometimes but I don't feel judged. I don't think most people judge you when you are 20 and not married though lol

Bec20 · October 2010

Nobody judges that Kyle and I aren't engaged, but we are also very young so I'm sure that is a good part of the reason. I have the feeling that my family would judge if I got engaged "too young" by their standards... its only recently that my mother has said that she can see that getting engaged young probably wouldn't be a mistake for me, like it was for her and her ex-fiance.

On the other hand, BF's family is full of couples who happily got together very young and stayed together, so his mother even asked him if he was planning to propose when we went away after my birthday. His extended family has said they consider me to essentially be his fiancée, even when we insist that isn't going to happen for a few years.

Hazel_B · October 2010

Mmm, can't say I feel judged but I certainly feel pressured.

On the weekend I was in a wedding and during the bachelorette spa day the married ones were all "this is fun, when is our next occassion". Every girl there that wasn't married immediately went into the "don't look at me" mode. It was almost like they had to have an answer though...bouncing around from who had been together longest, to who was the oldest, to who was most prepared for kids. I just find it frustrating to be singled out, I mean it is a two person decision afterall.

bakes218 · October 2010

Before I was engaged I was never judged by friends or family but I was judged at work. I am a School Counselor and I had many parents judge me for not being married and having kids. They felt I could not possibly help them or their children because of that. I guess a master's Degree is not sufficient enough for some people.

calindi · October 2010

Hazel, you're going on vacation again? Where to this time?

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:48c17de3-c7dd-41a6-a1b8-92322cbc7bc6">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hazel, you're going on vacation again? Where to this time?
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

California?

Hazel_B · October 2010

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:48c17de3-c7dd-41a6-a1b8-92322cbc7bc6">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hazel, you're going on vacation again? Where to this time?
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

California, to see BF's family.

Edit: And go to a wedding.</div>

coastiegrl25 · October 2010

I feel a little pressured, but not judged. Since we're military, well I'm previous he still is; we have a lot of close friends that would just looove to see us married. So they ask every time they see me. I always give a little laugh and say that they'll be the first to know if/when we do.

Elle1036 · October 2010

Pretty much everyone who hears how long BF and I have been together immediately wants to know when/if we're getting married. Once, I posted something on Facebook about being "really, really happy", and within hours had 5 messages or comments asking if I was engaged. It can be annoying sometimes, but I generally don't see it as judgment so much as a desire to share in a happy, exciting event.

The only exception is BF's brother and his new wife. They are younger than we are and have not been together as long as BF and I, but they seem to think that their relationship is move valid than ours and that we shouldn't live together/sleep in the same room when we visit/etc. I think the truth is that they are just jealous. BF's parents like me more than they like their new daughter in law.

calindi · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:540526ea-4c8e-43f5-92f1-d0d7638f1933">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Judged Because You're Not Married? : California, to see BF's family. Edit: And go to a wedding.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Yay! Back-to-back vacations! Lucky you!!! Have a blast!

Hazel_B · October 2010

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:13ac67a8-32e2-4da7-96ea-f9257a7d49ae">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Judged Because You're Not Married? : Yay! Back-to-back vacations! Lucky you!!! Have a blast!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty excited about it, but I have to be honest....I'm tired. This week is the most days I've been at home all month. </div>

lindsayrae1986 · October 2010

we are the very last couple left. however, we are the ONLY couple that will have college degrees and steady jobs.

we get asked about it multiple times a week, every week. it's annoying and sometimes hurtful... like when another couple constantly asks me if i'm jealous that they're engaged and i'm not. i have a coworker that comes over at least 2x a week to check and see if i'm engaged yet. people are always flipping my hand over to see if there's a ring on there yet. it's very uncomfortable.

yes, i get that you're excited for me. yes, i know that we waited longer than everyone else. yes, i know that i'm not getting any younger.

some days are worse than others. it's been pretty bad the past 6 or 7 months because there was a spurt of weddings/engagements... about 15 in a year.

and they say it never ends. my married friends tell me that people are now bugging about when they're going to pop out a kid... or 4.

it will happen at the right time. that's what i tell people. not in their time... the right time.

leia1979 · October 2010

I don't feel judged for not being married. Maybe a little insecure at times, as everyone around me is married, but not judged.

I feel more judged when I say we don't want kids. Apparently it's okay for men to not want kids but not women. Anyway, it's information I only share when directly asked. Most of the time when people say "blah blah blah once you have kids..." I just smile and nod.

StarGazingHiker · October 2010

I never feel judged, but bugged about it A LOT. That's the worst for us. We've been together for over 6 years so we're constantly being asked "So, when are you guys getting married?"

It gets pretty annoying around anniversaries/birthdays/holidays because everyone starts asking if it'll happen for one of those events. It doesn't seem to matter to people that we kinda wanna wait til I'm done with grad school before getting married. We just shake our heads and laugh about it though. We know our timeline... we want to wait til I'm done with school so we're waiting til late July/August 2012 to get married. I mean we can get engaged anytime, but that's when we're thinking for the wedding.

It does get frustrating though when couples who have been together less time that we have, get engaged and married. Some people have no tact and love to ask if "you're okay with so and so getting married when you guys have been dating longer?" How is one supposed to answer that? "Umm, no, I'm not. Do you think they'd mind waiting for a few more years??" Uuggghhh... some people!

Sorry for the rant, so back to the original discussion, no judgement, but definitely some pressure!

musikbx · October 2010

My family loves to judge boyfriend and I for not being married. As far as they're concerned, we've been together for 4.5 years and he's 30. it's time to marry so we can breed. I gave a crap at one point, but then I realized that they are going to judge me regardless of what I do:

*When we're finally engaged, they're going to judge us for not having a traditional wedding.
*When we're married, they're going to start asking for babies.
*When I finally squeeze one out, they're going to judge us for the choices we make in raising the kid.

I've decided that it's much easier just to stop caring what they think.

Blue & White · October 2010

I don't typically feel "judged" because I'm not married, but I'm definitely "judged" because I don't look nearly as old as I am. So I get a lot of "are you sure you're old enough to teach this class?" type comments. And I get carded all the time. Which I'm okay with. It annoys me more when they don't card me...

There's not so much pressure in my family or his family, but more expectations that that's probably where we're headed and lately there's been a bit more excitement on the matter. They're usually pretty good when we tell them we have no idea when or if it's happening anytime soon though.

I do feel like I'm being judged for not owning a home though. Rent is such a waste of money, haha. BUT I don't have the funds to own a home yet, so we'll be waiting on that a bit too.

citygirllovescountryboy · October 2010

My own mother has started judging because of my choices in sleeping with boyfriend prior to marriage. Boyfriend and I go to college 3 hours away from my family and mom called the other day and broke the news that her house is not open for me and boyfriend to come visit for a week for the holidays. Only for me. So yea I feel judged.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

So I guess "judged" was the wrong word to use in my title. Mostly, I was just surprised that someone would assume I had a fear of commitment because BF and I had been together for 3 years and weren't married.

Before my current relationship, I would never have given a second thought to asking questions like "when are you getting married?", "what are you two waiting for?", "Is this the 'forever' guy?"...but now i've become acutely aware how awkward they can be to answer!

Elle1036 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:79c9c2f6-8a1f-4cb9-89fb-8d339dd05f38">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]My own mother has started judging because of my choices in sleeping with boyfriend prior to marriage. Boyfriend and I go to college 3 hours away from my family and mom called the other day and broke the news that her house is not open for me and boyfriend to come visit for a week for the holidays. Only for me. So yea I feel judged.
Posted by citygirllovescountryboy[/QUOTE]

Ugh. That's annoying. And pretty extreme.

calindi · October 2010

My new least-favorite-question is "Why aren't you engaged?" or "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" or any question that essentially demands an answer for why we're still just dating.

I see a distinct difference between someone saying, "Are you engaged?" or "Do you plan to get married someday?" (which are fairly straightforward to answer - no, I'm not engaged and yes, we've talked about marriage) and someone asking why we're NOT engaged. There's no easy way to answer that, and it's an extremely personal question! Rude jerks!

Elle1036 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:21b10b7b-0558-4708-a969-2555298feae1">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My new least-favorite-question is "Why aren't you engaged?" or "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" </strong>or any question that essentially demands an answer for why we're still just dating. I see a distinct difference between someone saying, "Are you engaged?" or "Do you plan to get married someday?" (which are fairly straightforward to answer - no, I'm not engaged and yes, we've talked about marriage) and someone asking why we're NOT engaged. There's no easy way to answer that, and it's an extremely personal question! Rude jerks!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Well, Cate, why aren't you? I mean, you guys just got back from that trip, right? If he didn't propose then, he probably won't. Ever. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

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