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BethandDan1210 · March 2011

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MikesAngie · March 2011

Beth, first you are a fiancée, and Dan is a fiancé. The double "ee" is feminine. Okay off the grammar soap box...

Congratulations on your engagement!! And welcome to the board!!

Kids especially those who have lived through high drama can to be needy, clingy and emotionally immature (and have inappropriate behaviors). Instead of seeing a problem I see and opportunity to give loving, motherly direction. To be a stable "mom" in situation that may have not been the most stable. He may also be socially immature, it happens - gentle consistent direction in what is appropriate will help. His brother may have matured to the tender age of 6 much differently than his older brother.

A 7 year old is easier to influence and direct than a teenager, and he can learn new behaviors much easier. When he tells you he loves you he's looking for acceptance and love himself. When it's excessive it's because he doesn't want you to go away or abandon him (and he's scared that you will)- so he needs reassurance that you love him, and are not going to leave.

Think about when you were 7 did you totally understand how to express yourself? Did you understand adult situations? Adult love and affection? He may be confused... Counseling takes time to show results - it's not immediate. Be patient and give him the chance to grow.

You have been in his life since he was three but not as a permanent mom and now he understands that you will be and perhaps he is over eager for that to happen because he wants stability.

KAnde818 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_love-him-his-kids-not-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:96514202-5c6c-4eff-a0a5-dd2216d87773Post:93ddac88-8a63-4980-a0a6-9da727c17032">Re: Love him, his kids, not so much</a>:
[QUOTE]Beth, first you are a fiancée, and Dan is a fiancé. The double "ee" is feminine. Okay off the grammar soap box... Congratulations on your engagement!! And welcome to the board!! Kids especially those who have lived through high drama can to be needy, clingy and emotionally immature (and have inappropriate behaviors). Instead of seeing a problem I see and opportunity to give loving, motherly direction. To be a stable "mom" in situation that may have not been the most stable. He may also be socially immature, it happens - gentle consistent direction in what is appropriate will help. His brother may have matured to the tender age of 6 much differently than his older brother. A 7 year old is easier to influence and direct than a teenager, and he can learn new behaviors much easier. When he tells you he loves you he's looking for acceptance and love himself. When it's excessive it's because he doesn't want you to go away or abandon him (and he's scared that you will)- so he needs reassurance that you love him, and are not going to leave. Think about when you were 7 did you totally understand how to express yourself? Did you understand adult situations? Adult love and affection? He may be confused... Counseling takes time to show results - it's not immediate. Be patient and give him the chance to grow. You have been in his life since he was three but not as a permanent mom and now he understands that you will be and perhaps he is over eager for that to happen because he wants stability.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>all of this! This post breaks my heart... not for you, but for your future SS.

</div>

dieckhoner · March 2011

Hello,
Just read your blog.The child is 7 years old.Sounds like maybe the child id scared about changes.I would treat all the children the same and tell him you love him.He is crying out for love and take him for ice cream.Maybe a movie and ask him about his day his likes and what he likes to do. know it will take some time.What he knows that you are in the picture for good he will accept you.He might just be trying to protect his dad.Did dad date others in the past?If so how did they treat his child?Nothing about the past reg you.The child has a guard up.Help to show him you will be around for a long time so he feels safe.I feel this will work out for all of you.
God Bless,
K

magsugar13 · March 2011

wow....just wow.
Please do not marry this man. This poor kid is obviously hurting and needs some extra love.
Has he been checked out by a neurologist? What kind of therapy is he getting? If it isnt helping maybe you need a new therapist or a new kind of treatment.
He is 7 for gods sake. Working on mom #2.
If you cant understand why this kid is insecure about you, you really shouldnt be dealing with him at all.
Good luck.....to him.

JoJo+Leo · March 2011

If you don't love his kids, you shouldn't marry him. They deserve better.

Mortomo · March 2011

I feel really bad for you SS and wonder why in the world you are still a part of this child's life? Does your FI not see how you treat/feel about his son? If I were dating someone that obviously disliked my child, I would no longer be dating him.

He's only 7. He hugs you and tells you he loves you because, like others have said, he wants your acceptance. I'm sure he can tell that you favor the other 2 boys over him and is trying to win you over and then you continue to push him away. Every kid is different in how they react to new situations and this boy is now the middle child of the group and maybe doesn't really know where his place is in the family.

Either get out of this relationship or start treating this child with respect and acceptance.

LovelyMissNikki · March 2011

Just popping in to tell you you're a complete sh!thead for saying that your 7 year old soon-to-be stepson saying he loves you is "creepy".

Do this family a favor and don't marry his dad, he deserves to have a step-mom who cares for him. I can guarantee if you marry this guy, this child will grow up resenting his dad for choosing you over him and for good goddamn reason.

BethandDan1210 · March 2011

I suppose I wasn't clear enough. And I left out some key details - first and foremost, I love all the boys, I would take a bullet for any one of them. What I was trying to say - and I said it badly , was that I don't know how to deal with this one child, let's call him Chris. Chris's mom started an affair with her current bf when baby #2 was born, we'll call him Bob and it was almost a year before FH discovered this. He was shattered, the kids saw him totally destroyed. They knew it was something their mother did but we have never - and will never tell them the details. That is up to her. Just like with my ex, my son does not need to know all the details. When he is older and wants to know, it is up to his father to tell him what he did.
Back to the left out details, I was raped when I was very, very young, repeatedly by a family member, this went on until he died when I was 16. I have had a difficult time with physical affection unless I initiate it myself for a long time - in my current relationship it has only been in the last year or two that I was comfortable being snuggly with my FH, he knows all the details and understands.
The problem with Chris, is this is the biggest reason we have a problem, is that he is very curious about womens bodies, which, I can understand - but rather than ask questions (which is what I did at his age) he just gropes all the females in his life. His mom called us to say she was worried because he was "feeling up" all her friends, making them uncomfortable - I started to notice his hugs were a little too much hands on the boobs and not enough hug, then he started coming up behind me and rubbing against me, obviously aroused, or as aroused as a 7 yo can be. Two years ago, when this started, we got together with his mom and all agreed that therapy was best, he also has some other major neurosis (and yes, I am sure they are excerbated by his parents divorce). FH and I went to meet with his therapist a few times to see what we could do, if anything at home to help and it turns out that he had been essentially just sitting there, waiting for his hour to be up. Yes, I know this child needs extra love and he is devastated by he parents divorce and he does love me, I don't doubt and I should also point out that I spend more time with all three of the boys than either of the ex's or FH ( my job allows me very flexible hours) - I am the one who gets them up in the morning, gets them to school, feeds them, does their laundry (their mom doesn't "do" laundry) I help them with their homework, take them to do fun things when their Dad is working - we take them on trips with us - our lives virtually revolved around our children. I just need to know how to get past this creepy phase, I know he will stop eventually and we will be fine, but with all the pressure with the planning of the wedding and making sure that the boys don't think they are going to be any less loved because we are married or that I am replacing their mom or FH is replacing my son's dad (who remarried immediately after our divorce was final) - I guess I just really needed to vent a little and get these feelings out of my head so I could think more clearly. I hope I wasn't wrong in thinking this was a good place to do that.

Mortomo · March 2011

Did you ever have any type of therapy for your issues? If not, I would say you need to do that ASAP and before you get married.

While I understand why you are perceiving your SS's actions as 'creepy' based on your past experiences...he is only 7 and I'm sure that what he is doing is not sexual in nature. Curiosity and someone not letting him know his boundaries seems to be his issue. Do you think that maybe he was sexually abused or saw some things that he shouldn't have at his age?

It's really not fair to label your SS's actions as creepy or sexual based on your past experiences. My first reaction would be to want to help him, not label him.

Marrin713 · March 2011

Wow! Why have you given up on therapy? Just because the last one let him sit for an hour until time was up does not mean others will. I assume he is in school - start there with the counselor (unless it was the counselor that did nothing the first time around). I'm not sure this focus on the female body is something you and FI can deal with on your own. Instead of individual counseling, maybe start with family counseling. This child needs to be seen to!

BethandDan1210 · March 2011

He is still in therapy, I have been in therapy for 7 years. I was not labeling the child creepy - just the actions.....and yes, his Dad and I have discussed the possiblitiy of his Mom's bf might be doing something inappropriate - we have tried to discuss it with both the child and his mother and they both shut down. It is my belief that something has happend to him, but getting him to talk about it could take years, I was unable to talk about what happend to me until my abuser was dead.

Please understand here ladies, I was simply trying to find out if other people had problems with their stepchildren to be and if any one had any advice, there is nothing I want more than for us all to be happy and safe and normal. Maybe I am hyper sensitive to what he is doing because of what I went through.
I had hoped to find support rather than condemnation for a situation that is confusing to me at best and painful at worst. But I suppose unless you are in the situatioin yourself, it is impossible to see all the angles.

Mortomo · March 2011

Until you explained your past and your step son's actions, how could we have known the details of your past and WHY you might be reacting this way? I still don't think the way you reacted is 'normal', but given your history I can kind of understand.

I feel for both of you in respect to what you've been through and potentially what your SS has been through, but getting married without resolving these issues first is only going to put a strain on your marriage and the rest of your family. It's really not fair to anyone involved to focus on getting married when there are potentially some big issues you need to deal with. You don't know if the younger one has also seen/heard/experienced things that she shouldn't have and is just keeping those things bottled inside. Or maybe everyone is so focused on the older boy and not seeing something potentially 'wrong' with the other boy. Someone needs to get to the bottom of things and maybe you aren't the best person to do this since you seem to still have your own issues you need to deal with. His mom and dad need to work on this together.

It sounds like some family sessions in therapy need to happen.

MikesAngie · March 2011

Beth, at 7 your future SS isn't sexually aware - but it does sound like he possibly saw something or was exposed to something he shouldn't have been at a young age. I have a niece who's mother is not worthy of the label (that is why her 4 daughters have not had prolonged exposure). The niece saw her "mom" being a prostitute and she had sex in front of her - which lead to some confused and chaotic behaviors. It took a while and some counseling but she is doing better.

Chaos, inappropriate adult behaviors, abuse and neglect can all lead to inppropriate child behavior. Children mimic, mime and exaggerate what they learn from their adult teachers. When you know what is at the heart of the behaviors then you can begin to correct them, family counseling is a very good start. Also not making big deal about it but explaining the proper boundaries when he misbehaves would also help him understand what is and isn't appropriate.

You know from your past trauma (which was horrible and should not have happened to you at all), that it can cause issues well into adulthood. Hopefully you have spent time in counseling to assist you in dealing and coping with what happened.

Thank you for giving us more of your story ((hugs)) to you I know it wasn't easy.

Lisa50 · March 2011

I've read all the posts. The details shared are overwhelming. I cannot imagine being in your situation. (((HUGS)))

You asked for thoughts. So, here goes ... My first thought is that -- perhaps -- you may have rushed engagement. There seem to be a lot of foundational issues that need to be worked out (FI and his son) prior to going to the next step, marriage. My second thought is that things may get worse before they get better, with all the kids, so just take your time going forward.

I wish you the best with all of this because, once you are married to this man, this troubled child is, permanently, a part of your life. I think you already know you cannot deal with it. Hang in there!

shytownkelly · March 2011

I'd also like to chime in here - have faith. Stick with the therapy. Stay constant and loving.

Other than what you've listed - how is he? Does he do well in school? Does he understand boundries in general? Perhaps there is more going on in his brain than a trumatic experience. His normal coping skills may be compromised before anything even happened.

I have a step-son who was abused by his mother. His father now has full custody - and has for over 5 years. His therapy sessions were as you described - he'd sit there and play with toys until time was up never talking about anything. Now he is 15, and while he knows he is safe - will have food when he is hungry, and a warm bed to sleep in every night - he still is anti-social. He does not behave like "normal" 15 year old boys. He steals. He doesn't know how to manage his emotions so acts out at school, he doesn't understand conversational cues - and will interrupt with random things. He is a handful and a half. But many of his issues are related to his brain - as in he's been diagnosed as bi-polar. So even without the trauma of abuse in his past - he is going to have challenges every single day to behave "normally".

Do I love him - yes - do I wish he wasn't so much work - YEP every single day. and that's ok. At this point though - we are just trying to teach him how to be a productive member of society.

Good luck to you and your family!

shytownkelly · March 2011

Beth - you have a PM too.

donnycornelius · March 2011

If individual therapy isn't working, try group sessions or family sessions.   Maybe he just needs to feel safe and normal talking to the therapist before he'll start to open up.

Also, I think that type of behavior is typical for a 7 year old. That's the age it seems like when they play "doctor" or really start to notice their privates.   I remember a kid pulled out his wanker and showed me in kindergarden.   Do I think that kid turned out to be a sex offender? Probably not.

Every time he touches inappropriately, gently tell him that that kind of touching isn't appropriate, and he should tell you or his dad if any of that kind of touching goes on.    But then I'd make sure he's not seeing you and your FI doing it, because that only sends mixed signals.

My primary recommendation though is some family therapy sessions.

blush64 · March 2011

I would hold off on the wedding. Previous posters have given great advice but really look into postponing things.

BethandDan1210 · March 2011

Hi,
Thanks for pointing some of those things out, it made a lot more sense to me after reading that. No, he does not understand boundries at school either, he is constantly in trouble with those kinds of issues. When I said in my first post that he has no social skills, that is what I was trying to say - he blurts out answers to unfinished questions, he asks question after question before we (or anyone) even has a chance to respond. He has no concept of personal space, he follows us to the bathroom, stands literally an inch from our faces - major boundry problems. His teachers have called us to ask if we have the same problem at home. I know we need family therapy, I been pushing for it since not long after Dan and I met - there was just something about "Chris" that was off. I am going with him to therapy starting next week and hopefully his Dad will come too. I realized a few weeks ago that until we dealt with this, the wedding should wait. FH was not too thrilled, but he is starting to understand why. - Also regarding his seeing something he shouldn't, yes, we know he walked in on his mom and bf early on, more than once. They never explained to him, just yelled at him to get out. FH and I have had several frank discussions about knocking on doors and respecting privacy and sometimes grownups do, well, grown up things. - When I put up my first post I was just reeling from the day and needed to get things out of my head, looking back I would have phrased things more delicately, but, as you can see, this is not an easy fix nor will a few words on a chat board begin to cover everything. The most important thing in the world to me is my family, step and otherwise - one of the reasons FH said he wanted to marry me was because I put the people I love before anything or anyone. I only wanted some advice. Thanks for letting me explain the whole thing so it gave more of the picture rather than just me sounding like a bitchy wicked stepmother to be.

kellbell1919 · March 2011

You said in one of your posts you believe something has happened to him and I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. His behavior sounds like a kid who was sexually abused. I think it's a fine line because you will be a step parent rather than bio parent and obviously you don't want to interfere in decision making, etc but I do think you and FH need to be very involved in his counseling and need to bring up your concerns with the counselor and be on the same page.

pinkbee37 · March 2011

You just said you couldn't stand him and then proceeded to break down all his horrible traits (rude, etc). And then you want to say it came out "badly"?. I think you were pretty clear on your dislike of this child. If you can't "stand" him (poor lil guy) you have no business getting involved. I do understand that you have issues, but maybe you need to go resolve them before getting into deep and putting your experiences on SS.

shytownkelly · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_love-him-his-kids-not-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:96514202-5c6c-4eff-a0a5-dd2216d87773Post:bac9063a-b22f-496a-bf5a-b945c9f77133">Re: Love him, his kids, not so much</a>:
[QUOTE]You just said you couldn't stand him and then proceeded to break down all his horrible traits (rude, etc). And then you want to say it came out "badly"?. I think you were pretty clear on your dislike of this child. If you can't "stand" him (poor lil guy) you have no business getting involved. I do understand that you have issues, but maybe you need to go resolve them before getting into deep and putting your experiences on SS.
Posted by pinkbee37[/QUOTE]

Perhaps you should slow your roll with being all judgemental. Until you've lived/worked with kids that have these issues you really just can not comprehend what it is like.

She explained that she was feeling overwhelmed and needed to vent. Let it go. She is doing everything SHE can to help the child.

MikesAngie · March 2011

To all that are eager to attack, unless you have been a full time parent, full time step parent or a caregiver to foster kids - you have little experience to speak from.
I may not be a birth mom, but I have raised nieces and nephews, guided younger siblings, dealt with my nieces when they were in foster care. The behaviors that Beth describes are those of a child that has witnessed too much or been sexually abused. Beth was venting and probably had, had a very rough day dealing with the boys. Each of Beth's posts are after reading what she first wrote, taking in advice and looking at things from a different perspective.

There are days when kids and FIs can push you to your wits end especially when planning a big event like say a wedding and you need to vent.

It's tough being a parent, it's tough being a step-parent and not knowing exactly how the child was parented before or if they were. Sometimes you just want to know that it's okay to vent and be frustrated and that there are ways to cope with what is happening.

jeno111 · March 2011

I guess I am in the minority here...you are marrying the man, NOT the kid. I can understand loving the man but not the kids. Just because they are children and everyone is "supposed" to love kids does not mean its realistic. Yes, children should be taken into consideration but I do not think that you should soley base your whole relationship on it. They will eventually be grown. Everything else may be wonderful, he may be the man of your dreams, but that does not mean you need to love the kids. And it does not make you a bad person. Tolerate, respect, and treat them with kindness is a first step. Maybe more will come later.

GL to you.

Marrin713 · March 2011

Beth - has Chris been evaluated for ADD?

msphil32 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_love-him-his-kids-not-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:96514202-5c6c-4eff-a0a5-dd2216d87773Post:58a8c09e-71eb-4367-8644-6253c45852df">Re: Love him, his kids, not so much</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Love him, his kids, not so much : Perhaps you should slow your roll with being all judgemental. Until you've lived/worked with kids that have these issues you really just can not comprehend what it is like. She explained that she was feeling overwhelmed and needed to vent. Let it go. She is doing everything SHE can to help the child.
Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

AMEN!!! On a professional level, this is very difficult to deal with...everyday of my life. My heart goes out to you because this has to be very difficult on many levels to cope with. He may be what we call the "identified patient" because his behavioral manifestations. However, continued individual and intensive family therapy is necessary to begin to help EVERYONE involved BEGIN to deal with past traumas and current concerns in a safe environment. Marriage/re-marriage involving children from previous relationships can be difficult enough. Loving a child is great and all and of course necessary don't get me wrong, but a lot of people take on a child with significant trauma history, often presenting with reactive attachment disorders, conduct disorders, etc and believe that "love" will "fix" them. FAR from the truth. I do wish that your FH is 110% dedicated to investing the time and patience that it is going to take to help his family. I understand your vent now and of course, without having other input, I could see how others may have jumped down your throat, which is why it is EXTREMELY important to get the facts before making a judgment call and even then sometimes be careful. We never know what situation we will be in where we don't necessarily communicate things the way we intended. I do pray that you all are willing and ready to do what is necessary in therapy to heal the wounds which obviously exist.

BethandDan1210 · March 2011

Thank you to those who understand and offered advice. Over the past days my FH and I have talked about how best to handle things and we are going to intensify therapy, and work on setting very specific boundries.
And Marrin - to answer your question, no, I am almost certain he has ADHD but his mother is against it - something else we are working on.
I think after getting all of this off my chest I feel like I can do a better job of parenting all three boys.
Thanks.

Lisa50 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_love-him-his-kids-not-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:96514202-5c6c-4eff-a0a5-dd2216d87773Post:e38de81e-f0ff-4e40-87fc-7bd74eacc46b">Re: Love him, his kids, not so much</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you to those who understand and offered advice. Over the past days my FH and I have talked about how best to handle things and we are going to intensify therapy, and work on setting very specific boundries. And Marrin - to answer your question, no, I am almost certain he has ADHD but his mother is against it - something else we are working on. I think after getting all of this off my chest I feel like I can do a better job of parenting all three boys. Thanks.
Posted by BethandDan1210[/QUOTE]

I wish you the very best. You are in a tough siutation. Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2011

I have waited until now to post, because I have dealt with almost everything here (except being abused as you were Beth).

My son is now 23 y/o, in grad school in DC, has never had less than a 3.9 GPA. He is brilliant! However, I will admit that his childhood was, in a word, difficult.

I raised him alone (he met his dad exactly once) until my ex (my daughter's dad ) moved in when my son was 7. My daughter was a newborn at that time.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD (mostly the "H", hyperactivity) when he was about 4 or 5 years old. He burst out at inappropriate times, couldn't wait, couldn't concentrate, etc. His grades never suffered, but the teachers and we did! This was not a convenient diagnosis by a teacher, or anyone else he interacted with. His daycare/teachers, my Mom and myself all took tests to explain his behaviors, and yes, he had ADHD. He was placed on meds, and things progressed very well until we "merged lives" with my ex.

I'd characterize the next 3 years as hell. My ex had no parenting skills for a male (he was great with our daughter, still is), and my son acted out badly. He touched inappropriately on the bus, failed to maintain his self control, even when on the meds. We all went into counseling, him alone, all 3 of us together, etc, off and on for 2 years. Of course, all of this had to do with my ex's short temper and inability to understand that my son was NOT going to be a ready-made-easy-to-parent child.

My son was selected for the local school district's "talented student" program because of his intelligence. I prayed this was the answer to part of our problems, as he'd now be more challenged in the school environment. Nope. Didn't matter. HIS challenge was at home. My ex's approach to him put my son under tremendous stress.

After trying everything we could for 5 years, I had to make my ex leave (I owned the house we lived in). I debated this for months, we went back and forth, because I didn't want to separate my daughter from seeing her dad on a daily basis. But I also knew he was never going to change.

My son's behavior improved, I took him off his meds at the age of 12 and he has never needed them again. My son wanted a dad SO BAD that he would have accepted anyone except this man who was not nice to him. It was a bad mix.

That's not to say you and your fiance can't have a happy life. But after reading all the "post-scripts" you've added, I can see that this 7 year old boy is probably about where my son was..........ADHD responds very poorly to stress. I'm not a psychologist, or psychiatrist, or MD. But I am a Mom who has raised 2 kids pretty much by myself. I put the "current" situation for my son at the beginning, because I want you to know that yes, it is possible to raise emotionally healthy kids after dealing with a lot of problems. But it's not easy. I was torn between my ex and my son constantly, but in the end I chose to recognize that the child deserves all the opportunities in life. He was my flesh and blood.

That's also not to say there are not more serious problems going on with him. It may be more than ADHD, could be really serious psych problems. But none of you will know until he's diagnosed. Keep trying to find the right counsellor. It makes all the difference.

It sounds like you and your fiance need to have many long talks about this. Personally, if I were in your situation, I would not marry this man right now. It's much easier to delay a wedding than it is to fix a marriage that is strained to the hilt by battles. Fight this one battle now, help this young boy find his way in the life that is facing him when you marry, and I think you will agree it was worth the wait.

FWIW, I am facing my own difficult situations as a soon-to-be stepmom. My fiance has 3 adult children, the oldest is fine (even though she got pregnant and her due date is 2 weeks after our wedding, meaning she will miss it as she lives in CA and we lost our FG and RB, her kids, because she can't get them to the wedding either........ small potatoes). His middle child, his only son, will be 30 next week and has been in and out of rehab for alcohol for the entire 3 1/2 years I've known my fiance, and his youngest is a darling 18 y/o who just had a baby last July, 6 weeks after her HS graduation.

There's no such thing as perfect kids, they are all just differently imperfect. I hope for your sake you and your fiance can find the right solutions.

Sorry this was long........ I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and most of us along the way have dealt with real life and come out stronger. You can too

Good luck.

BethandDan1210 · March 2011

Thanks so much for that! There are a few things I would like to clarify, after all this back and forth, so many of you have been so very kind and some of you, well, clearly you are younger brides. At 42 I see things that are difficult as opportunities to learn and teach rather than reasons to bash. That said, my initial post was after a very, very difficult couple of months of me trying to hang in there with the boys and finishing nursing school and planning a wedding and all of the things that life throws at you in between. My FH and I have never had the approach of "it's me or the kids" it has always been, we love each other, we love our children (even when we don't like them - believe me, I have had days when I can't stand my own son, but I never once stop loving him, or my two SS) I would never, nor would FH ever force each other to choose and the kids have never seen it that way. We have had difficulty with "Chris" since he was very young, I cam into his life just weeks before he turned four and the divorce was extremely difficult for him. His mother never explained anything to him, she never told him what was happening, she just one day was living with my FH then the next, another man moved in. Yes, I believe he is ADHD but it has settled some as our lives settled and I think with continued therapy and patience, we will all settle down and manage the day to day a lot better.
That said, I am not, nor have I ever, been in a big rush to marry, frankly getting married again scares me silly. Not because of the kids or because of FH but because I did it once and messed up and I love this man and our kids too much to mess up again. As I have said, I just needed to blow off steam, and I was hoping that it would be seen for what it was, a frustrated mom of three very busy boys with a hectic life trying to find support from other women in the same situation.

I am sorry for your situation, having to deal with an unsupportive spouse sucks. My ex and I are still doing battle over what is best for our son. (whole other story there) you must be very strong to have maintained your sanity and kept your life and your kids together and I hope you have every happiness this time around.

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