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Wedding Etiquette Forum
jmp2004
member
Asking for a plus one? (long)
Okay, I'm just curious if I was completely out of line here.
I'm getting married in 2.5 weeks in Las Vegas. My parents, brothers and sis-in-law and FI's mom are going, along with FI's best friend, who I'm very good friends with as well, that introduced us.
Best friend and I lived together for a short while before I moved to Illinois in May. She got to see me start all the wedding planning, and see the stress about budget and such. She also knows she is the only person we want there other than our little bit of family. I paid for her flight and hotel to Vegas to make sure she could be there.
When invitations went out, I handed it to her and discussed the fact that it did not include a plus one. She had been single for quite some time, and in the year or less I have known her, I've seen her get completely crazy about some guy for 2-3 weeks, and then he would disappear (and she wasn't even dating these guys, she just got nutty). I wanted to make sure she didn't decide to bring some random person to the wedding. Plus, we can't afford another $60 plate for dinner. It's nothing against her, but this is a family wedding.
So, last week, she was talking to FI, and asked if her girlfriend of 3 weeks that she's madly in love with can come. He told me to handle it, and I did by telling her no. Outside of the fact that the RSVP date had long passed, we had discussed and she had agreed that she did not get a plus one, I don't want someone that I don't know or care about at the wedding, the fact is, it would make my family very uncomfortable. My brother, who is gay, didn't even get a plus one.
She responded that the gf wanted to know why she couldn't come. I ended up telling her that I could not tell anyone that they could or could not travel to Vegas, but anyone she brought with would not be included at the wedding or reception.
CN: Only friend attending very small, family wedding asked one month before wedding, and after RSVP date, if she could bring her new girlfriend after we had discussed that her invitation did not have a plus one. I paid for her plane ticket and hotel.
THE QUESTION: Am I the one being rude?
I'm getting married in 2.5 weeks in Las Vegas. My parents, brothers and sis-in-law and FI's mom are going, along with FI's best friend, who I'm very good friends with as well, that introduced us.
Best friend and I lived together for a short while before I moved to Illinois in May. She got to see me start all the wedding planning, and see the stress about budget and such. She also knows she is the only person we want there other than our little bit of family. I paid for her flight and hotel to Vegas to make sure she could be there.
When invitations went out, I handed it to her and discussed the fact that it did not include a plus one. She had been single for quite some time, and in the year or less I have known her, I've seen her get completely crazy about some guy for 2-3 weeks, and then he would disappear (and she wasn't even dating these guys, she just got nutty). I wanted to make sure she didn't decide to bring some random person to the wedding. Plus, we can't afford another $60 plate for dinner. It's nothing against her, but this is a family wedding.
So, last week, she was talking to FI, and asked if her girlfriend of 3 weeks that she's madly in love with can come. He told me to handle it, and I did by telling her no. Outside of the fact that the RSVP date had long passed, we had discussed and she had agreed that she did not get a plus one, I don't want someone that I don't know or care about at the wedding, the fact is, it would make my family very uncomfortable. My brother, who is gay, didn't even get a plus one.
She responded that the gf wanted to know why she couldn't come. I ended up telling her that I could not tell anyone that they could or could not travel to Vegas, but anyone she brought with would not be included at the wedding or reception.
CN: Only friend attending very small, family wedding asked one month before wedding, and after RSVP date, if she could bring her new girlfriend after we had discussed that her invitation did not have a plus one. I paid for her plane ticket and hotel.
THE QUESTION: Am I the one being rude?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)
[QUOTE]SOs of your guests are not plus ones. You must include her new girlfriend, no matter how long they've been dating.
Posted by angelstar975[/QUOTE]
<div>Exactly. And is your brother that also didn't get a plus one with someone? If you excluded your brother's SO because he's gay, well, that's a whole different story.</div>
[QUOTE]SOs of your guests are not plus ones. You must include her new girlfriend, no matter how long they've been dating.
Posted by angelstar975[/QUOTE]
Isn't the rule when the invites go out though? She was single when the invites went out.
I am still just trying to wrap my head around you have known her for under a year, she introduced you to your FI, and now you are marrying your FI? I know people do that, just making sure I read it right.
Also, not really sure what her being gay has to do with whether or not she has a plus one.
I do understand your point about this being a very small wedding and with a dozen or so guests, I would feel kind of strange having someone I never met there. It was also very generous of you to pay for her flight and hotel. That said, she is close enough to you for her to be the only non-family member, I would probably allow her to bring her date. Who knows, they may be broken up by then.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : Isn't the rule when the invites go out though? She was single when the invites went out.<strong> I am still just trying to wrap my head around you have known her for under a year, she introduced you to your FI, and now you are marrying your FI? </strong> I know people do that, just making sure I read it right. Also, not really sure what her being gay has to do with whether or not she has a plus one. I do understand your point about this being a very small wedding and with a dozen or so guests, I would feel kind of strange having someone I never met there. It was also very generous of you to pay for her flight and hotel. That said, she is close enough to you for her to be the only non-family member, I would probably allow her to bring her date. Who knows, they may be broken up by then.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]
I think she said she moved away from where she and BF lived less than a year ago.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : I think she said she moved away from where she and BF lived less than a year ago.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
I'm looking here:
<strong>She had been single for quite some time, and in the year or less I have known her
</strong>
[QUOTE]I took the comment about Bride's brother being gay to mean that Bride's family wouldn't be uncomfortable with her best friend being gay but would be uncomfortable about having her GF of 3 weeks, a stranger to them, at such an intimate wedding.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
<div>Ah.</div>
[QUOTE]I took the comment about Bride's brother being gay to mean that Bride's family wouldn't be uncomfortable with her best friend being gay but would be uncomfortable about having her GF of 3 weeks, a stranger to them, at such an intimate wedding.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
<div>This is how I read it too. I think as long as this friend was single when the invites went out then you're fine. Personally, if I were the new GF I would feel awkward going to such an intimate wedding when I didn't know the couple. </div>
Slowksy - I see that now, thanks. I missed that and couldn't figure out how you got there.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
RSVP deadline was early June so that we could appropriately plan a dinner within our budget for the guests that were able to make it. With it being a destination wedding, we knew everyone would be sure if they were able to attend by that time.
My brother is single, but was not given the opportunity to bring someone.
As far as our backstory, she and I met last summer when she moved to Texas, introduced FI and I in August and we are getting married this August. Very whirlwind.
If it has anything to do with the gay thing then you suck, but I'll reserve any related comments until after you clarify. Your brother isn't in a relationship is he?
Edit: You beat me. But you still didn't explain and I don't quite understand why you told us your brother was gay.
see how it sucks that you are dismissing your friends relationship.
[QUOTE]She was single when invitations went out. RSVP deadline was early June so that we could appropriately plan a dinner within our budget for the guests that were able to make it. With it being a destination wedding, we knew everyone would be sure if they were able to attend by that time. My brother is single, but was not given the opportunity to bring someone. As far as our backstory, she and I met last summer when she moved to Texas, introduced FI and I in August and we are getting married this August. Very whirlwind. :)
Posted by jmp2004[/QUOTE]
Then this is your bad for havin an RSVP date 2 months before the actual wedding. You don't get to exclude her girlfriend because you had a crazy early invitation and RSPV date.
[QUOTE]I personally think you should suck it up and invite <strong>FSIL's GF</strong>. Strictly speaking, if she wasn't in a relationship when the invitations went out, you don't have to, but this is a very close family member who will, ostensibly, be in your life for the long haul. If it has anything to do with the gay thing then you suck, but I'll reserve any related comments until after you clarify. Your brother isn't in a relationship is he? Edit: You beat me. But you still didn't explain and I don't quite understand why you told us your brother was gay.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
The woman trying to bring the GF is a friend of OP, and not related to anyone, if I am reading things right.
By the time your wedding rolls around, they'll have been dating for over a month now, not just three weeks. Actually, she spoke to your FI a week ago... does that mean they've been dating for 4 weeks now? So they'll have been together for almost two months by the time your wedding rolls around.
It's illogical that you don't want to invite the gf because they haven't been going out long, because first of all, the amount of time a couple is together has nothing to do with the seriousness of a relationship. My friend dated a guy for a year with zero intentions of staying with him forever. And, second of all, you're making it seem like they JUST started dating, but actually will actually be together for a decent amount of time when your wedding happens, IMO.
I'm not sure why you told us your brother is gay. What does that have to do with your gay friend?
[QUOTE]I personally think you should suck it up and invite FSIL's GF. Strictly speaking, if she wasn't in a relationship when the invitations went out, you don't have to, but this is a very close family member who will, ostensibly, be in your life for the long haul. If it has anything to do with the gay thing then you suck, but I'll reserve any related comments until after you clarify. Your brother isn't in a relationship is he? Edit: You beat me. But you still didn't explain and I don't quite understand why you told us your brother was gay.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
It's not her FSIL, it's her FI's best friend, whom OP also lived with for a while and befriended :-)
They started dating after the RSVP date- not even after invites- which means you are not obligated to accomodate the new SO at your reception.
If I were the new SO, I would feel so awkward at SUCH an intimate wedding.
Teachery Blog
[QUOTE]OP, I understand budgets are tight and all, but especially if this is the person that introduced you to your FI, I think you should come up with the $60 to include her new girlfriend.
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]
I disagree- she's including the person who introduced them and more than sufficiently accomodating her with the flights and hotel.
I didn't even get invited to a recent small wedding my friends had, and I introduced them- and that is totally okay; introducing people doesn't automatically guarantee tons of special privileges.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : I disagree- she's including the person who introduced them and more than sufficiently accomodating her with the flights and hotel. I didn't even get invited to a recent small wedding my friends had, and I introduced them- and that is totally okay; introducing people doesn't automatically guarantee tons of special privileges.
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, but had you been invited, and had your significant other been deliberately excluded, I imagine you would have felt differently.</div><div>
</div><div>If I were to be invited to any friend's wedding now without J, I wouldn't go, regardless of whether it's a college friend who has never met him or my best friend who will elope to some exotic locale.
</div>
Thanks for all the responses though.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : It's not her FSIL, it's her FI's best friend, whom OP also lived with for a while and befriended :-) <strong>They started dating after the RSVP date- not even after invites- which means you are not obligated to accomodate the new SO at your reception.</strong> If I were the new SO, I would feel so awkward at SUCH an intimate wedding.
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]
<div>Yeah, but her RSVP date was when her invitations should have been sent out. </div><div>
</div><div>Personally, I would feel awkward attending such an intimate wedding as someone's date, but the friend's GF should still be invited.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : It's not her FSIL, it's her FI's best friend, whom OP also lived with for a while and befriended :-)<strong> They started dating after the RSVP date- not even after invites- which means you are not obligated to accomodate the new SO at your reception. </strong> If I were the new SO, I would feel so awkward at SUCH an intimate wedding.
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]
Yeah, but look at when the hell the RSVP date was.
The RSVP date is when the invitations should have been sent out.
OP sent them out too early because she has a tight budget. Not for nothing, but that doesn't excuse anything. A lot of brides here have tight budgets, so that's not new, special, or different.
You come up with a plan to accomodate everyone, then send the invitations out. She sent the invitations out and then started planning. That backwards planning doesn't excuse her.
If, as you say, it doesn't matter because they weren't dating when the invitations went out, then why don't we all send out invitations almost half a year before the wedding. Think of how many new relationships "won't count."
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : I disagree- she's including the person who introduced them and more than sufficiently accomodating her with the flights and hotel. I didn't even get invited to a recent small wedding my friends had, and I introduced them- and that is totally okay; <strong>introducing people doesn't automatically guarantee tons of special privileges</strong>.
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]
But being invited with your significant other is not a special privilage. It is proper etiquette.
Yeah I can't read, but she's the best friend so my advice is exactly the same.
Simply Fated- Please don't put "won't count" in quotes, since I did not say that the new relationship has no value, is invalid, is not serious, or does not count as a relationship.
[QUOTE]Had I started dating my FI after the invites to my friends' wedding had gone out, I would have been a little bummed out but understood. I also would have preferred to have my invite sooner than the typical time frame to appropriately plan for a destination event. Simply Fated- Please don't put "won't count" in quotes, since I did not say that the new relationship has no value, is invalid, is not serious, or does not count as a relationship.
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]
I put it in quotes because it was a phrase. I wasn't trying to implying <em>you</em> said that, though, and I'm sorry if it came across as that.
The thing is, yes, the invites were already sent out, but she sent them out so far ahead of the wedding, I personally wouldn't even have been able to say whether or not I could go to a destination wedding that far in advance. That just voids the whole thing where the person doesn't need to be invited because the invitations already went out.