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Wedding Etiquette Forum
NuggetBrain
member
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat.
Does this make me mean?
So I'm still looking for work, which means I'm home all day. Which means I do most of the cleaning, and laundry, and whatnot. Which is fine. HOWEVER. Noodle seems to think that since I'm home now, I should do ALL the home-related stuff. For example, he will have a glass of wine and instead of real quick cleaning the glass out when he's done and putting it away (we can't dishwash them because they're too fragile) he'll leave it on the counter for me to do. He doesn't put his clothes in the hamper, he leaves them on the floor for me to do it. He doesn't put his bottles and cans in the recycling bag, he leaves them on the countertop for me to put away. He will leave glasses on the counters and table. I ask him if he can do things like vaccum the living room (I hate vaccuming with a violent passion) or pick up something from the grocery store on his way home, and I always get "why can't you do it, you're home all day."
Last night, I asked him to take the recycling out on his way to the car this morning. I woke up and it was still there. He wasn't. I called and asked why the stuff was still there. He "forgot". Even though it was right by the door. It was a kind of "last straw" moment for me, so I told him it would still be there when he got home, and that just because I wasn't working didn't mean that he wasn't expected anymore to pitch in with the housework and whatnot. And apparently, that was not okay with him, because now he's sulking and thinks I'm "mean".
Maybe I'm just being really selfish, but I honestly don't think that he shouldn't be expected to pick up after himself anymore just because I'm home all day to do it. That's the kind of sh*t I expect to have to do for my kids, not my grown ass husband. But maybe I'm wrong, and I should be doing everything because I'm not working.
Last night, I asked him to take the recycling out on his way to the car this morning. I woke up and it was still there. He wasn't. I called and asked why the stuff was still there. He "forgot". Even though it was right by the door. It was a kind of "last straw" moment for me, so I told him it would still be there when he got home, and that just because I wasn't working didn't mean that he wasn't expected anymore to pitch in with the housework and whatnot. And apparently, that was not okay with him, because now he's sulking and thinks I'm "mean".
Maybe I'm just being really selfish, but I honestly don't think that he shouldn't be expected to pick up after himself anymore just because I'm home all day to do it. That's the kind of sh*t I expect to have to do for my kids, not my grown ass husband. But maybe I'm wrong, and I should be doing everything because I'm not working.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Does this make me mean?
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2. Being unemployed is different from being a SAHW. Your "job" is LOOKING for a job. Does he not get that? Your number one priority is NOT picking up his socks off the floor.
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No, I don't think you're mean. He's taking advantage of you being home, which isn't fair. You shouldn't have to become his mom just because you don't have a job right now.
When I was unemployed and DH was working, yeah, I did probably 95% of the housework because I was bored and I wanted to feel like I was contributing something. He never stopped me, but he continued to treat me like a partner and not his maid.
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after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
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[QUOTE]So I'm still looking for work, which means I'm home all day. Which means I do most of the cleaning, and laundry, and whatnot. Which is fine. HOWEVER. <strong>Noodle seems to think that since I'm home now, I should do ALL the home-related stuff. For example, he will have a glass of wine and instead of real quick cleaning the glass out when he's done and putting it away (we can't dishwash them because they're too fragile) he'll leave it on the counter for me to do. He doesn't put his clothes in the hamper, he leaves them on the floor for me to do it. He doesn't put his bottles and cans in the recycling bag, he leaves them on the countertop for me to put away. He will leave glasses on the counters and table. I ask him if he can do things like vaccum the living room (I hate vaccuming with a violent passion) or pick up something from the grocery store on his way home, and I always get "why can't you do it, you're home all day."</strong> Last night, I asked him to take the recycling out on his way to the car this morning. I woke up and it was still there. He wasn't. I called and asked why the stuff was still there. He "forgot". Even though it was right by the door. It was a kind of "last straw" moment for me, so I told him it would still be there when he got home, and that just because I wasn't working didn't mean that he wasn't expected anymore to pitch in with the housework and whatnot. And apparently, that was not okay with him, because now he's sulking and thinks I'm "mean". Maybe I'm just being really selfish, but I honestly don't think that he shouldn't be expected to pick up after himself anymore just because I'm home all day to do it. That's the kind of sh*t I expect to have to do for my kids, not my grown ass husband. But maybe I'm wrong, and I should be doing everything because I'm not working.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]
Nuggs, I love you, but this really concerns me. I don't want to catastrophize, but that seems incredibly disrespectful and resentful. I'm home a lot of time, and I'm doing the bulk of the home work and wedding planning, but I couldn't conceive of FI adopting that attitude. I don't say that to be all "Oh my FI is the best," but rather to say that in a respectful relationship, it should be a two-way street. Just because you're staying at home right now doesn't turn you into a servant, which sounds like how he's treating you.
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[QUOTE]1. I completely agree with you. 2. Being unemployed is different from being a SAHW. Your "job" is LOOKING for a job. Does he not get that? Your number one priority is NOT picking up his socks off the floor.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
THANK YOU. That's what really pisses me off, is that I spend <em>at least</em> two hours a day looking for jobs (more if I can find some to apply to that end up with all those questions and whathaveyou). Today, I am looking for jobs, doing laundry, and doing the thank you cards. And he still thinks I should not be pissed off that he couldn't be bothered to take out the recycling.
It goes both ways. You are not being mean to expect him to pitch in - especially with these little things. I hope you are able to work it out.
No it doesn't make you mean! For one thing, you're setting precedents/expectations for the marriage that both of you can live with. There's absolutely no reason to expect another person to pick up the glasses and bottles you leave behind, no matter if they're home during the day or not! That doesn't even make sense - he's home right then, so he can carry his glasses & cans and stuff and put them away properly.
If one person is unemployed and playing the homemaker role, that makes sense for things like grocery shopping or cooking or heavier cleaning that the other person isn't around to do, but not for basic picking up after oneself. He's way out of line, imo.
Well, the "gender roles" are reversed, but I can try to give Noodle's POV because my FI has been unemployed since September and it's a strain sometimes. The grocery store thing I can totally see where he's coming from because even if it involves FI going out of the house versus me going past the store on my way home, I am exhausted at the end of the day and the very last thing I feel like doing is tromping around the store in my heels.
Washing out a glass real quick? I think he could handle that.
I don't expect FI to pick up my clothes because he doesn't even pick up his own and if he was dirty, wrinkled clothes that's his business, but I put mine away.
I don't think you should be doing everything, certainly not, but I do see how he could get frustrated. I don't know your financial situation, but I know for us it's not like I make enough to support us and it's really, really stressful being the one who's working all day. And with friends who make comments like I should be happy that FI gets to go out and enjoy himself during the day make me feel like I'm the only one who thinks our situation isn't awesome and it's seriously frustrating.
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BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
{pwanning}{mawwied}
ETA: The things I ask him to do (like stopping by the grocery store) I ask him to do because I'm too busy to do it myself. Like I'm in the middle of cleaning, I have to start dinner in half an hour, and I realize that we're out of milk. I don't think me calling him and saying "can you stop at the grocery or gas station and pick up some milk so I can make mashed potatoes to go with dinner" is asking that much
Good luck job hunting!
{pwanning}{mawwied}
Planning!.....Married!
It sounds like your DH is being really disrespectful and is taking advantage of you. I can see why he wouldn't vacuum or want to pick up somethign from the store if you are home all day, but everything else is bull. He needs to realize it's a partnership, but a maid service.
I know that Allen didn't quite realize how much he'd started let go by the wayside once I started staying at home, and once I pointed it out to him, he got better. We'll see how long it lasts.
[QUOTE]His mom works full time and does ALL the housework (because his dad is one of those guys who doesn't even know what a shopping list is). Seriously, I think I've seen his dad do housework twice in the ten years I've known him. When FMIL is out of town, FFIL's version of cooking is ordering takeout. He didn't even change the kids' diapers when they were younger. Noodle isn't THAT bad, but he comes from a family where its a lot of "my mom did it AND worked, why can't you?" <strong>ON TOP OF WHICH, he'll do things when we talk during the day like "Did you do the laundry today? Did you do the dishes today?" WTF. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But if you want them done that bad, then do it your goddamn self. I feel like a child.</strong>
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]
As you said, WTF? Dude, he is being a disrespectful nincompoop.
[QUOTE]But the thing is, even if you were watching TV all day (which you're not), it sounds like he's deliberately (I really hope not maliciously) doing things to create more work or you. <strong>I mean, intentionally not putting cans in a recycling bin?</strong> Really? That's just disrespectful. You really shouldn't stand for that, Nugget.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
Eh, I leave those on the counter for FI too. But that's because the recycling can is waaaaay in the back of the laundry room and it's dark and icky back there and I'm pretty sure there's a mutant spider just waiting to kill me.
ttc chart
BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
[QUOTE]heh, you called them FMIL and FFIL. it threw me off.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]
Damn, I have to stop doing that now. Wierd.
My Planning Bio
[QUOTE] I feel like a child.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]
I think that is the root of the problem. He's making you feel less than you are.
I have to admit that I've been pretty lazy about cleaning and organizing since the move. H sat me down and talked to me and it was a really great conversation. He doesn't expect me to do EVERYTHING, but since I am home all day, he thinks it would be nice if I did a little more. It made me feel like crap because I felt like a bad wife, but it sure motivated me last week. And he's SO complementary when he comes home and the house is clean. But come August, he'll be in school and I'll be working. He'll be the one taking care of the house and I can say I will be annoyed if he started being lazy like I was and just didn't do anything.
To sum up, there needs to be a conversation in which you both come away happy with the decision.
Planning!.....Married!
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